Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2)

by Robyn Peterman

  “You’ll send him to the Basement?” I asked.

  “Without a doubt.”

  I flicked my fingers and Dante turned to ash like all those he had killed today. He was no more. Should I have ended his suffering? I thought so today. Hopefully I’d feel the same tomorrow. To separate the man from the destruction he’d caused today and base his judgment on the body of the whole was harder than anything I’d had to do yet. But I did it. I bent down and picked up the sword. I held it out to my uncle and he glanced at me with questioning eyes.

  “It’s a fake.”

  “Really?”

  “Trust me.”

  “And he got this and the deadly magic how?” he demanded.

  “Ask your daughter, Greed.” I threw her under the bus where she belonged. I was done here and I wanted my bed. I was wearing my bra and I was a fucking mess. I honestly was beginning to question the existence of the Sword. I wanted to meet God and I wanted to go home. Satan could find his own damn Sword. I was done.

  Chapter Thirty

  God was so beautiful it was almost impossible to look at him.

  After a sleepless night, we’d dressed formally and made our way back to the miraculously repaired dining room for lunch with God. The General had spent a good portion of the morning with us and the Baby Demons. I’d found out a number of alarming things… he had taken my Babies to a strip club and they been thrown out for lewd behavior. What that constituted in Hell was mindboggling so I decided to push that one aside for another time. However, the real kicker was when I learned that the gestation for a Demon was two years. I offered to pay for the hole in the plaster, but the General insisted he could have it fixed at no charge.

  Ethan paled at the thought of me being pregnant for years and I nailed him with a vase. Luckily he ducked and I simply added it to the growing list of things I’d destroyed in Hell. The only consolation I had was that my baby was half Vampyre and since he was the first of his kind, maybe the gestation time would be shorter. I refused to even contemplate that it could be any longer. There weren’t enough items in Heaven and Hell put together for me to break if I really let my mind sit with that little nugget.

  After calming down and locking the little monsters in the bathroom with a firm promise from them that they would stay, we went to the luncheon.

  The dining room was laid out with the finest china and crystal I’d ever seen. An army of servants wearing all black hustled around and saw to the needs of the guests. This event was the first of its kind and clearly the Devil took it very seriously.

  “This is one out of fucking control shindig,” Myrtle said as she offered me a puffy looking pastry. Her grin was contagious and I wanted to hug her. Her total lack of manners and couth made me happy.

  “You are correct.” I smiled and took a pastry to be polite. “Are you, Carl and Janet working?” I sniffed the pastry and was delighted to find out I didn’t want it.

  “We’re in charge,” she said proudly. “Moby used to be, but Carl kicked his mean old Demon ass yesterday and now we’re running the show.”

  “Wow,” I said, unsure if that was the best way to maintain job security. “Congrats.”

  “Yeah, well, I have to go pass this shit around to assholes. Have fun,” she chirped as she walked off.

  Dixie approached and I was struck again by her beauty. “You good?” she asked as she gave me a hug.

  “I’m good.”

  “Have you walked the room?” she asked and immediately began to pick at her polish.

  “No. Should I?” I inquired and pressed the bridge of my nose. There was never a freakin’ dull moment around here. Ethan was deep in conversation with my grandpa. When did he get back? I looked around for Gigi, but she was nowhere to be found.

  “Well, um… ” Dixie struggled for words.

  “Tell me. I’m not in the mood for surprises at this particular time.”

  “It’s better to show you,” she said, took my hand and led me to the far side of the room. I was imagining all kinds of horrors, but I hadn’t been prepared for what I saw.

  A large cage made of some kind of glistening material sat on a platform made of gold. Demons milled around it, pointing and taking pictures. A strong dampening spell surrounded the cage and covered it completely. Thin razor sharp blades protruded from the bars insuring the no one stuck a hand or object in and no one stuck a hand or object out. It was positively brilliant in its structure and absolutely barbaric in its reasoning.

  Inside the cage, seated on hard wooden chairs were three women I had hoped never to see again… Lust, Wrath and Greed.

  They were dressed in formal gowns—they were sullen and humiliated. Refusing to make eye contact with anyone they stared straight ahead and said nothing. Satan was a sick cookie. This was one hell of a punishment. I wondered if he would let them eat.

  “Why?” I asked Dixie.

  “He wants his brother to see all of his children since God only has one.”

  “I’m kind of surprised he wants to show them off caged like animals. Doesn’t say much for his parenting skills.”

  I walked to the edge of the cage and stared, knowing full well they could do nothing to me and I could destroy them. Lust stared back with hatred in her eyes and Wrath blew me an inappropriate kiss.

  “Thank you for killing the bastard,” Greed said. She looked better than she had yesterday, but I was not going to be fond of her anytime soon.

  “I didn’t do it for you,” I said harshly. She was sorely mistaken if she thought I would take a life on a whim. My tone shocked her and she looked away.

  Wrath considered me carefully and tilted her head. “You are more than what you seem,” she said.

  “Isn’t everyone?” I shot back. “You all certainly are.”

  The silence was long and I wanted to walk away, but I refused to run.

  “Come with me, Astrid. My father and Uncle God will be here soon. I just didn’t want you to be taken by surprise.”

  With one last glance at the pathetic evil in the cage, I walked away with Dixie. I felt very little for the women—my cousins. I wondered if they lived in the same cage in Purgatory, but decided they didn’t deserve any more thought.

  The Sword was still missing, God was coming for lunch and it was the lunar eclipse. Hell was ripe for a showdown.

  “All rise for Satan and God,” a Guard yelled at the massive arched entrance to the dining room.

  A hush fell over the crowd as a small army of Angels preceded the arrival of the big guys. Dressed in diaphanous white they seemed to float on air. They reminded me of my Angel, Pam—blindingly beautiful. They had peaceful smiles on their faces and they smelled like the wind on a rainy summer day. My body leaned forward in hopes of being noticed.

  “Don’t,” Ethan whispered. “They’re as crazy as the Demons, just in a different way.”

  “How do you know?” I asked, finding that hard to believe.

  “A little first hand experience and the word from your grandfather.”

  I was instantly curious about his first hand experience and hoped it wasn’t the same kind of experience he’d had with Lust. I tamped down my jealousy and simply gave him a look.

  “No, it’s not what you think,” he said and put his arm around me. The heat of his body was comforting and I leaned in.

  “Will we actually make it out of here alive?” I asked.

  “Yes. We will,” he answered. “Tonight if I have anything to do with it.”

  As much as I wanted to believe, I wasn’t so sure. A promise was a promise. It didn’t matter that the Devil didn’t keep his. I was my own person and my word was good. I would find the Sword and I would leave.

  “I’m glad you’re wearing the necklace,” he whispered in my ear. “You will use it if you need it. Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  Again. God was so beautiful it was almost impossible to look at him.

  God and Satan entered the room together and gasps went through the crowd.
Angels and Demons alike were stunned to silence by the sheer power and beauty that stood before them. God was light to Satan’s dark, but the similarities were uncanny. The mouths and noses and high cheekbones were almost identical. I was surprised his eyes were the same golden as his brother’s. I suppose I thought they would be blue. His hair was blond and he wasn’t bearded and robed as I’d imagined as a child. Nope, he was built like a brick shithouse, same as Satan. His appeal was far less overtly sexual than his brother’s, but he was no less mesmerizing.

  Several women passed out and I noticed they were of both Angel and Demon descent. The other Sins and Amanda stood off to Satan’s side and several female Angels stood off of God’s shoulder. I was hoping Cousin Jesus would come, but that would have to wait for another time.

  Mister Rogers and Hemingway went to my uncles and paid their respects, then a line formed. God laughed at something Mister Rogers said and it rang like a symphony and bounced off the walls of the room. Satan rolled his eyes at the rabid hysteria his brother was causing, but did his very best to contain himself. Everyone wanted to meet God and everyone wanted a picture.

  “Holy shit, did you see that?” Ethan chuckled and pointed to Satan making finger horns behind God’s head in a series of photos. I burst out laughing and buried my face in Ethan’s chest.

  “Where did Grandpa go?” I asked as I watched Satan pinch his nose and act as if God smelled bad in a new round of pictures.

  “He said he’d be back soon. He apparently forgot something.”

  “Should we get in line?” I asked.

  “I don’t think we have to.”

  “Why? We can’t cut because that would be rude.”

  “We don’t have to because they are coming to us.”

  “What? Oh, shit.”

  He was correct. They were headed straight for us and my knees were in danger of buckling. They made a brief pit stop at Dixie. God studied her for several minutes and then took her in his arms and gently hugged her. He seemed sad. It was odd and made me uncomfortable… like I was intruding on something I wasn’t supposed to see. She blushed and hugged him back. Satan seemed bizarrely satisfied with this action. It appeared to mean more than just a simple hug to him. I tucked that away for future reference, but I was sure he would deflect.

  My uncles approached me with a look of determination on their faces. God’s gaze was gentle and filled with curiosity and Satan’s was excited. A marching band quickly formed in my stomach and began practice for the first time. They were off key and they had no rhythm whatsoever.

  God took my hand in his and led me to a platform on the middle of the room. How had I not noticed this? The three of us walked up seven steps and stood on top.

  “Astrid, it is lovely to finally meet you,” he said in a voice that filled every part of me with warmth and light. “I have heard so much about you from your Guardian Angel Pam and your nana.”

  My lips trembled and my smile was shaky. I had never been in a presence like his. I wanted to curl up at his feet and simply listen to him breathe. “You look different than I expected,” I said and then immediately backtracked. “I mean you look great—better than great. I bet you have to beat the Angel ladies off and… Oh my God… ” I slapped my hand over my mouth and wanted to die. I just implied God was a player and then took his name in vain while I was talking to him. Shitshitshit.

  His laugh and the way his eyes crinkled with amusement calmed me a bit, but not much. I decided to keep my trap shut. I had no idea what might come out and I did not want to give God a reason to smite me.

  Everyone in the room was watching with interest. The large doors to the hallway reopened and masses of Angels and Demons piled in. What was happening? I searched for Ethan, but he’d been swallowed up in the crowd.

  “Ethan, where are you?” I asked frantically.

  “I’m here, but your grandfather is being mauled by your cousins, I’m trying to get him to safety. I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay,” I said. “But hurry… it’s getting weird in here.”

  “Tell me about it. I think they might have broken his ribs.”

  Holy Hell, Grandpa’s cuteness was going to get him killed one of these days.

  “Attention everyone,” Satan bellowed. The room of over five hundred quieted. “You have been called here from both Heaven and Hell for a reason. We are here to celebrate the next True Immortal.”

  The crowd’s chatter grew and the yelling began. I would have assumed it would be the Demons that would be the rudest, but the Angels held their own.

  “Prove it,” an Angel yelled.

  “Why should we believe you?” a Demon shouted. “You invited a filthy Vampyre to Hell.”

  Alrighty then. A chorus of “yeah” and “purebloods rule” and “kill the Vampyre” assaulted my ears.

  What in the hell was happening here? Clearly I hadn’t gotten out much in Hell. I had no idea I was so popular… And why in the fuck was I on a stage with Satan and God? I tried to slink away. I didn’t want my presence to cause a brawl. As I stepped back a strong hand grasped my arm and the chance for escape was gone. It was God. He pulled me between himself and Satan and held me fast.

  “Do you see the good or the bad in people?” he asked me quietly. Satan shot him an annoyed look, but God ignored him.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, bewildered.

  “Just answer the question.” His grip on my arm tightened and I realized Satan and Dixie and Grandpa were right. There is no such thing as pure good or pure evil. Period. Everything is gray and it’s all in the interpretation.

  “I see both,” I told him. “Everyone has both.”

  “Everyone?” He raised his eyebrow and waited. His beauty was distracting, but I’d grown tired of all the beautiful without the substance to back it up. God may be full of substance, but in this moment he was after something that apparently I could provide.

  “Yes.” I looked him in the eye so he would know I was including him too. “Everyone.”

  He threw back his head and laughed. He reminded me so much of his brother in that moment, I laughed with him. He nodded to Satan and Satan winked at me.

  “You may know of the Sword of Death,” God called out.

  “It’s a myth,” someone yelled.

  “Doesn’t exist.”

  “It’s a joke,” another chimed in.

  “Oh no,” God chided the audience. “It most certainly exists.”

  I shot Satan a glance. Did God not know it was missing? How in the world could Satan look so freakin’ calm? This was a clusterfuck waiting to happen… Was he about to spring it on God in front of everyone? For real?

  “Fred Rogers,” Satan said. “Step forward.”

  The crowd parted as a shimmering dust exploded gently in the back of the room. God released my arm and I felt whispers curl around my body clinging to me and embracing me with a power that humbled me. It also froze me to the spot I was standing in. In a panic I looked to both God and Satan. They had put some sort of beguilement on me and I was planted—unable to run. The need to run was overwhelming, but the mechanics to do so had been taken away.

  Mister Rogers walked forward. He held a sword in his hands and a halo glowed around his head. He smiled at me and I gasped. The magic coming from the Sword was so pure and so strong no one could look right at it.

  “Mister Rogers stole the fucking Sword of Death?” I gasped.

  “Oh no, neighbor. I am the keeper of the Sword. I live in the Den of Iniquity and I guard it with my goodness and light,” my childhood idol said.

  “Are you going to tell me Mr. McFeely lives there too?” I snapped sarcastically.

  “No, no.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Mr. McFeely is still on Earth, but when he ascends he will be in charge of the postal service in Heaven.”

  I was struck speechless.

  “You bastard,” Wrath yelled from her cage.

  “You tricked me, you son of a bitch,” Greed screeched.
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br />   Mister Rogers just smiled at them and waved. A very sick feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. The Sword had never been missing. This was a game. A horrific game played at my expense. Satan was in on it and from the looks of things God was too. I was going to die. The filthy half Vampyre half Demon was going to die. Grandpa had clearly been in on it too. He had lured Ethan from the room. I was going to die alone for the sins of my father. I closed my eyes and realized I had no one to pray to. Maybe this was my purpose… to atone for the sins of my father. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, my little baby.” I touched my hand to my stomach. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Give the Sword to Compassion,” God commanded.

  Who in the fuck was Compassion? Was somebody new going to hop up here and chop my head off?

  Mister Rogers stood in front of me and held out the Sword. Confusion didn’t begin to cover what I felt. What kind of warped game were they all playing?

  “It’s you, Astrid,” Ethan said. “You’re Compassion. Take the Sword.”

  His voice rang in my head and I found him in the crowd. He was staring at me with wonder and love.

  I was Compassion?

  Me?

  I slowly bent forward at the waist, as my feet still wouldn’t move. I took the Sword in my hands. It was heavy and drenched with more magic than I’d ever felt. My head spun and I had to force myself to stand up straight.

  “Behold the next True Immortal,” Satan shouted.

  “Wait,” I hissed at the Lord of the Underworld. I felt the black gloves slide up my arms and I knew my skin had turned sparkly. There was a fine chance I was going to kick everyone’s ass in the room… “What kind of bullshit did you put me through?”

  “The kind of bullshit that will save you from centuries of bullshit in the future,” he said and smiled. I so wanted to smack the grin from his mouth, but I realized what he had done. The anger inside of me remained, but it was tempered with something far more profound.

  He had tested me and made me prove myself to those who would test me later. He was well aware that Wrath would eventually have his throne, but now she knew what I could do to her. The Sins may not like me, but they had a healthy fear of me—as did the rest of Hell. Satan was an ass, but he was a clever ass. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be Compassion, but it appeared that I might not have much of a choice.