It wasn't my plan, but I could have stopped it if I tried. Now fifty-nine people are dead because of that choice. It’s not self-pity I feel so much as a grim acceptance. Still, the burden weighs heavy on me. I thought I knew how much we were risking by choosing to go against Barr, but nothing could have prepared me for the repercussions we now face. It’s why I am here, alone. No doubt being around Lauren and my family would make this easier to bear, but I still need time to process how things have changed.
“A day will come when I look down on your corpse and smile.”
That’s the promise I made to Barr the night we blew up the gas station. I focus on the thought. Let the rage overtake me, thoughts of violence and vengeance filling my mind till it almost drowns out everything else.
Fifty-nine.
The number won’t be ignored. It’s as if a switch has gone off, the anger and rage within me petering out as a wave of exhaustion washes over me. The exhaustion wins out, my mind and body have reached their limit. My eyes close, my dark thoughts chasing after me inside my nightmares. Unlike nightmares past, these do not lull me into any false pretense. They come alive from the start.
I walk through a field of corpses, their injuries vivid and gruesome, the smell of blood and death so potent I all but gag in my sleep. As I walk I hear their voices, their curses haunting me from the grave.
“You did this to us.”
“You should have had the sense to leave well enough alone.”
“What did you think would happen?”
“Blame Barr, but you’re the one who forced his hand.”
I come across a figure standing alone among the corpses, their face only visible when I’m almost within reach. I recognize her immediately: the woman who took her own life downstairs. She doesn’t look surprised to see me.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I never wanted any of this to happen.”
She doesn’t look at me in hate or blame as she did earlier. She just stares, face blank, almost peaceful. After what might be a moment or an hour she speaks.
“I know,” she says. “But they happened anyway. Now you have to decide whether or not you can live with it. I’ve made my choice.”
I know what she’s about to do before she does, but my arms and feet are bound by some unseen force, gluing me to the spot. All I can do is close my eyes as she raises the gun to her head and pulls the trigger, the deafening crack pulling me from the dream.
I wake in a cold sweat, my heart hammering against my chest. I gasp for breath, winded as if I have run for miles. Then I feel her arms around me, feel the warmth of her body press against my own. Her hand finds mine and I squeeze it as if it were a lifeline pulling me to safety. She kisses back of my neck lightly, sending a chill dancing down my spine.
“It’s not your fault,” she says.
The words untangle a knot inside my chest, sending a searing heat behind my eyes. I bring her hand to my mouth and kiss her palm, shuddering with the effort to keep myself together. If I come undone now, I don’t know how long it will take me to recover. She doesn’t press me further for which I am grateful. Words are not what I need right now. Only her. She continues to hold me to her, a gentle melody humming from her lips as she weaves her free hand through my overgrown hair. Slowly, I feel the panic fade and my eyes grow heavy once more. This time when I drift to sleep, I do not dream, do not stir. And when I wake it is to find her arms wrapped around me still, the light along the walls the only thing marking the passage of time.
I roll around until we face each other, my hand reaching to brush the stray locks from her eyes.
“Thank you,” I say. I don’t elaborate, the list for which I am thankful for her endless.
“You never have to thank me,” she says. “I’ll always be here, Morgan. Always.”
I exhale deeply. “I know,” I say. “I just wanted you to know you’re appreciated. I meant what I said earlier...I couldn’t do this without you.
She smiles and draws my face closer so she can kiss me.
“And I meant what I said: You’ll never have to.”
It’s dark when we emerge from the bedroom and make our way downstairs. The lobby is nearly as full now as it was during the day. Not surprising. Few want to be alone right now. They seek each other out, our number giving us strength. Still, it’s easy to see the division among us. Anger. Blame. Guilt. The list goes on and on, the mistrust between us as entrenched now as it was before we took the DoubleTree. It would be foolish to assume it might dissipate during the few hours I was away. But being surrounded by it now, I realized just how much work still has yet to be done.
“Anything new?” I ask my parents when we reach them.
My mother sighs, a sound that seems to add years to her age. “Nothing on Barr’s end,” she says. “But as you can see, it hasn’t been exactly amicable down here.”
“Anything physical?” I ask.
My father shakes his head. “No,” he says. “But it’s only a matter of time.”
I scan the room. He’s right. The place is like a powder keg. It wouldn’t take much to spark something that will burn it to the ground. Something has to be done before then. I turn toward Lauren who nods at the unspoken question passing between us. I squeeze her hand once and then make my way alone toward the front of the room. Eyes follow me as I walk. They always have—ever since I first stood before my friends in that small apartment back in Denver. I never wanted it, never wanted the burden that comes along with leadership. But it’s the role I seem destined to fill. I embrace it, not out of want or desire, but to keep this all from falling apart.
“Ah, Morgan, just the man I wanted to see,” Owen says as I draw near. He turns to a group of recently liberated Animals, some with scars and injuries that mark them as those who were with him when Barr attacked. “We’ve been discussing what to do with the guards we have captured down below. It seems I’m not alone in believing it best to deal with the threat now. After all, they would not have shown us mercy. Why should we do the same with them?”
He speaks loudly, seeking to draw the attention of those around us. That suits me fine. Better that everyone hears what I have to say.
“No harm will come to them,” I say.
The men behind Owen tense, sizing me up with ugly looks on their faces.
“That sounds like an order,” Owen says. “Is that what it’s supposed to be?”
“I understand your desire for vengeance,” I say. “I feel it myself. I may not know what it’s like to live under Barr’s rule, but his presence has impacted my life the same as yours. I’ve lost people I love because of that man. I’ve been forced to run and cower as he hunted after me and my family. I’ll never forget that. Never forgive it. And I meant what I said over the radio all those days ago: I will stand over his corpse and smile. But I will not allow myself to become him to see that happen.”
I turn from Owen and look over the rest of the lobby, all of whom stare back at me.
“I don’t know most of you,” I say. “I don’t know your stories, your losses, all the foul shit you’ve been forced to do under Barr’s reign. All I know is that you are no longer under his control and that what you do from here on out is up to you. If you choose, you can ignore what I say, march downstairs, and kill those we have captured. Make them bleed. Make them suffer. Give them a taste of the hell they’ve forced you to endure. I won’t stop you.”
I pause, waiting to see if someone rises to do just that. Nobody makes a move, not even Owen and his men behind him. He eyes me, his expression hard to make out.
“A man I once knew told me that as dark as things looked right now, it wouldn’t last forever. He said this wasn’t the end of the world, but the beginning of a new one. I believed him then, as I believe him now. It’s the thing that has kept me going: the belief that we can create something new. But it’s on us to decide what kind of world we create.
"Personally? I want peace. I want to see a day where we can move past this mess, and our chil
dren will never know such dark times. That means being better than what has come before. It means having the courage to do what must be done, and the restraint not to cross the line and become the thing you hate.
"That day will not be today. It will not be tomorrow. But if we can find it within ourselves to forgive past sins and trust one another, that day will come. I truly believe that. A better future can be ours if we would only work together."
As is my custom, I pace the area in front of me, the words pouring from my mouth without thought, pulled from the deepest part of me.
“So what say you?” I ask. “Will you stand with me? Will you dare to dream of a better life than this? Or is our past so insurmountable that we cannot see past it? Is this cycle of violence and death destined to be our children’s inheritance? You know where I stand. Now you must decide for yourself.”
Only once I’ve finished speaking do I realize my voice has risen to a near shout. The resulting silence is all the deeper because of it. But though they are quiet, their faces speak volumes. Throughout the room, I see it: that spark of belief flickering in their eyes. They still have their reservations. Doubts. I would expect nothing less. The mistrust between us runs deep, the things we’ve done to each other a deep chasm no one speech can bridge. But it’s a step in the right direction. And like all great accomplishments, it all starts with a single step. As I watch the crowd before me, it’s the girl I love who steps up first.
“I made my choice the day this all started,” she says, drawing the eyes of the room to her. She holds my gaze a moment before turning to face the others. “Before I met this man, the only person I trusted was myself. Choosing to trust him went against everything I ever believed in. As it turns out, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I wouldn’t be alive today if I hadn’t believed in him.” She turns back, locking her eyes with mine once again. “I won’t stop believing in him now.”
Felix steps up beside her. “The first time I ever met this man, he was helping me to my feet after I had just been jumped,” he says. “He didn’t know me, had no reason to put himself in harm's way, but he did anyway. That’s who he is: a man not only willing to help others but one who genuinely wants to. I promised that day that I would always have his back, and this is no exception. And in any case, what he said is true: we need each other. The time for standing alone is over. We can either live together or we can die apart. I choose to live.”
Emotion swells within me. I didn’t expect any of this when I spoke my case. I only knew it had to be done. Hearing their praise makes me feel strange. Self-conscious. It’s as if they speak of some ideal of me instead of the man I am. But there’s no denying the effect it’s having on the others. Many look at me differently, their uncertainty wavering. And still, there are more who stand and speak on my behalf.
"I am from a ranch west of town,” Lylette says, pushing past the gathering crowd till she stands at its center. “No doubt, many of you know which ranch I speak of.” She pauses, unable to keep the sting out of her words. It’s only when she regains her composure that she speaks again.
“For a long time I thought all of you Animals the same,” she says. “I thought your actions were your doing, and I didn't want to hear otherwise. When my ranch was attacked, I swore vengeance on those who attacked it. Swore vengeance on many of you. But that wouldn’t accomplish anything. You were not responsible for the first attack, nor the 2nd. Those I love died because of one man. I can’t blame you for his actions. I know the impossible situation you were placed in. We may never be close, may never friends, but we can work together to take out a common enemy. I will have my vengeance. The best way I can do that is to make peace, to put aside our differences and work together as Morgan said. I know that won’t be easy. But I’m willing to try if you are.”
The ranchers behind her look sour. There’s still anger there for what the Animals did to them. I can see it clear as day. Many look from her to Byron, the two of them the obvious leaders now that Philip and the council are gone. When he steps up beside her and voices his agreement, the rest of them fall in line.
Lynn, the man who saved me from the mountain lion steps forward. Not one to dance with words, he chooses instead to get at the heart of the matter.
“You told me that I couldn’t hide forever,” he says. “I see now that you were right. I’ll stand with you.”
I nod in gratitude. Those we recruited from the woods are made of a half dozen small bands, but if there was a figure that linked them together, it’s Lynn. His support will go a long way in convincing the rest of them that this is for the best. I turn now to Owen.
“And what about you?” I ask.
It’s not only the small group at Owen’s back who looks at him, but many of the wavering Animals crowded around us. I’ve been around enough leaders to recognize one now. Whatever he decides will hold sway over his people.
“I want to believe what you’re saying,” Owen says. “Believe me, I do. But it’s the same thing Barr used to say as well. He said that it was up to us to make the choices others were too weak to make themselves. He said we couldn’t be judged for the things we did because it was necessary to build a better world...And I believed him. At least at first. But I think we all know how that turned out.”
I step closer, realizing now what troubles him. It’s not that he doesn’t trust me, at least not entirely. It’s that he’s ashamed of what he’s done—of what Barr tricked him into believing. He’s already be deceived once. He doesn’t want it to happen again.
“I’m not Barr,” I say, lowering my voice so only he can hear me. “I never will be. Forget what they said, and look at me man to man. Look into my eyes and tell me if you think I’m capable of the things he did.” I pause, never breaking eye contact with him. I need him to believe me. He’s the bridge between us and the rest of the Animals.
“I know you’re skeptical, and that you care about your people,” I say. “ I wouldn’t expect anything less given what you’ve been through. But I swear to you, I am sincere in everything I’ve said. You want Barr just as badly as I do. We can take him out. We can do it together.”
I extend my hand. Owen looks at it for a minute, the skepticism still lingering in his eyes. But I also see resolve. Acceptance. He knows that to beat Barr, our best chance is to go about it united. Ultimately, that’s what makes his decision. He takes my hand.
“I want to believe there is a better future out there for us too,” he says.
“There is,” I assure him. “We’ll build it together.”
With Owen convinced, I feel unified for the first time since walking in here. I’m no fool. There are still factors working against us, namely Barr, and the unknown person or persons who tipped him off to our takeover. They will need to be sorted out. But I believe we will have that chance.
As the crowd disperses I make it a point to meet and converse with as many Animals as I can. Some remain guarded, but that’s only to be expected. There are deep wounds between us and tonight is merely a salve. But with any luck, they will one day heal.
Not all are skeptical, however. Many receive me enthusiastically, thanking me for what we did for them. They speak to me as if I were an idol, and I am quick to rebuke the thought. The last thing I need is for them to think I’m more important than I am.
“None of this would have happened if I didn’t have the support of people I trust,” I tell one particularly admirable man. He holds his daughter no older than two in one arm, his smile as grand as ever even as he shakes his head in disagreement.
“I don’t doubt it,” he says. "But it doesn’t happen without you either. You’re the glue holding this all together—the catalyst we need for change. Don’t forget that.”
As the night deepens, people eventually drift off to find rooms. The smiling man flashes me another toothy grin, his daughter still in his arms and his wife in tow. They will be sleeping in the same room for the first time since they were taken in by Barr. The thought alone gives m
e heart in what we are doing. Lauren heads off with Grace to the block of rooms we’ve been assigned, while I go with Leon to relieve the guards on duty.
“You’ve been awfully quiet today,” I say. I know my friend well. Silence on his end only means he’s uneasy about something.
He looks around before lowering his voice. “It’s just, you’re sure this is the right move?” he asks. “Staying here like this?”
“As opposed to slumming it outside the town as we have?” I ask. “Yes. We have food here. Shelter. Most importantly, we have numbers.”
“You actually trust them then?” he asks. “Owen and the rest of them?”
“Most of them,” I say. “They were just dealt a bad hand. Any of us could have been put in their position. Frank was, and I don’t see you having a problem with him.”
“I knew Frank before this,” Leon says. “I can’t say the same about the rest of them. This whole thing just...it seems off to me. Don’t forget, Barr was tipped off. Someone here had to do it. Maybe it was one of the guards we have locked up, but maybe it wasn’t. My point is, we can’t be sure either way.”
I look out across the river, his words a reality check from the high I’ve been riding since shaking Owen’s hand. He’s right of course. This whole situation is far from how we envisioned it. But wishing things had turned out differently won’t make it so. All we can do is move forward with what we’ve been given. That means trying to make this work.
“I know there are risks, Lee,” I say. “I do. But if we leave now, everything would have been for nothing, and it would be only too easy for Barr to slip back into power. We just have to stay the course and hope things work out for the best.”
Leon sighs. “I know,” he says. “I just had to say it out loud, I think. Make sure I’m not crazy for being so skeptical.”
Echoes of a Dying World (Book 3): A Dream of Tomorrow Page 19