Hacking Fatherhood

by Nate Dallas

  Maybe it doesn’t matter to you if you have full coverage insurance, but I would discuss it with both parties and go with the one that you are most confident in. After all, the sensitive body part they are operating on will be responsible for your family name one day.

  While we are on the riveting topic of genitals, you may have noticed that he looks swollen or disproportionately large down there, which is probably nothing to worry (or brag) about. This condition is normal for newborns, both boys and girls, and will gradually change over the coming days.

  Showing Up for the New Job

  You’ve officially been promoted. You’re ready to work and are certainly expected to. Now what? I thought you’d never ask.

  It’s a good thing that men are not solely responsble for the first 37 steps that happened in the first few hours of the little guy’s life. There is no way we would pull it all off. Millions of people did it for centuries without the modern hospital staff, but my suspicion is that there were bunches of experienced and eager lady friends around who knew what to do while the men were panicking or missing. Be thankful for the conveniences and services that have been provided to your family. With that said, your list of responsibilities is now growing by the minute. It’s your turn to start the official Dad duties. Besides the basics, like changing, feeding, and burping, you must have a few other skills that I believe are imperative to Dad success.

  Now is the appropriate time to introduce the 5 “S’s” that you need to know. I wish I could take credit for creating this hack, but it was crafted and refined many times over before I ever thought about it. The 5 “S’s” are Swaddle, Swing/Sway, Shush, Side/Stomach, and Suck. These are found in the book, The Happiest Baby on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp. That book was by far the most useful one of many that I read on the subject of new babies. I do recommend it in the number two position, right behind Hacking Fatherhood, of course.

  According to Dr. Karp, we can soothe an unsettled baby by trying to recreate the familiar environment of the womb. By doing this, it helps the baby feel more secure and calm. So we try to imitate the feel, sound, and habits that the baby has been peacefully enjoying inside the mother for the past nine months. What we are trying to do by using the 5 “S’s” is to create a so-called “4th Trimester.” The new trimester takes place in a different environment (the outside world), but the goal is to mimic the previous environment (the mother’s womb) as much as possible.

  Swaddling: Snug swaddling with a wrapped and tucked blanket provides the continuous touching and similar support that your baby was experiencing within the womb. Remember, he was in some pretty tight quarters, especially towards the end. What you will likely see is that even now, tighter is preferred and more soothing to him. Being swaddled has a calming effect on most babies. In contrast, being able to freely move their own arms and legs often irritates them. A good swaddle also prevents them from waking or startling themselves from the spastic jerking thing that babies do, called the Moro reflex. A quick involuntary jerk can upset them and ruin a good nap. Swaddling with a baby blanket is a skill that you must master. I have heard of a few babies that didn’t like to be swaddled, but they are in the minority. It was like cotton-wrapped Ambien™ to all four of my boys. Do some online searches, watch some videos, and ask the staff for help. There are a few techniques that you can use to get a good wrap. You’ll be amazed at the Houdini acts they can pull off if they are swaddled with inferior technique. There are many swaddling blankets and wraps on the market that attempt to make it easier. Some of these may come in handy later, but for now, most of them are way too big for what you need. The standard, blue and pink striped hospital blanket will do just fine once you get the setup and the technique down.

  Side/Stomach position: The infant is placed on his side or stomach to provide a reassuring and comfortably familiar position. He is not left alone in this position. Typically, this is used when you are holding him. “But never use the stomach position for putting your baby to sleep,” cautions Karp. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is linked to stomach-down sleep positions. When a baby is in a stomach-down position, do not leave him, even for a brief moment. Learn how to hold him in a comfortable, stable, side position. Also, learn how to let him rest on your chest, on his stomach, while holding him when you are lying down, or rocking. A change of position can be just the thing he needs to relax and settle down.

  Shushing sounds: I’m not sure of the historical origins of the use of the “shhh” sound, but it’s a universal noise that makes all people get more quiet. Maybe it’s a conditioned and learned behavior, or maybe it’s just a natural thing. In any case, it works on babies. Karp’s theory is that these sounds imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb. Babies have heard lots of fluids moving around for the last few months. Doing this in conjunction with some of the other “S’s” can be a very powerful soothing tool. There are many noise-making products in the baby aisle. Some of them even have the heartbeat sound as one of the options. I don’t think the heartbeat sound is necessary, nor do I recommend using a sleep machine for bedtime. I’ll explain that in more detail soon enough. Just use your voice for the “shhh,” and use it when you need a little extra something to calm him.

  Swinging/Swaying: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the outside world with new gravitational properties is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea. “It’s disorienting and unnatural,” says Karp. Rocking in a chair, car rides, and other swinging movements can all help and may be preferred. Again, there are many commercially available products to help gently keep your baby moving. If you get a swing, get one that swings both front to back and also has a side to side option. Some babies hate one motion and love the other. You never know until you try. If you buy one, get one that is the easiest to clean. If it has 34 fabric pieces and requires tools to disassemble before the pillow can be thrown in the washer, you may want to look for another option. More important than the swing is your ability to master the baby sway. Find a smooth, repeatable, gentle motion to soothe your baby while he’s in your arms. It may take a few experimental variations before you find the right rhythm that he prefers.

  Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.” Babies are born with an ability to suck and a brain that instinctively seeks to do so. Whether it’s a breast, a bottle, a pacifier, your finger, his finger, or your belt loop, he will root and latch onto most anything small enough that is within tactile range. My only advice here is not to force the pacifier. Use it when you need it, but don’t assume that he needs it too often. We need to let our children learn how to self-soothe. Parents love quiet, and therefore love pacifiers. Having a pacifier in the mouth all day should not be the norm. Use it like you would use medication, that is, only when absolutely necessary. Many parents overuse pacifiers, and it can create numerous problems later. Dependency is one issue, speech delays and improper teeth development are others. I’m not saying that you should never use it. Just don’t use it all the time, and have some criteria for when and how to use it. For a quick fix, try your pinky finger knuckle.

  In addition to the genius advice by Dr. Karp, I have another hack that will add two more letters to add to the litany of “S’s.” One is “P” , and the other is “V.”

  (P) Patting: Softly patting a small child on the back while holding him is also quite soothing. You have seen parents do it thousands of times but thought nothing of it. You’ve seen it because it works. Swaying and patting together is pure magic. It can become a potent conditioning tool that immediately soothes a child and even induces sleep.

  (V) Voice: Your baby has hopefully heard your voice for months. I trust that he has heard it in a self-disciplined, pleasant tone as well. There is just something about a man’s voice. If you are like me, you will notice that your child responds f
avorably to your masculine voice. Speak deeply, but softly to him. He will often stop whining instantly and will eventually open his eyes and turn his head toward the noise to see his favorite guy. Tone is very powerful, and your voice can cut right through chaos and bring immediate comfort. Try whispering too. If your volume is lower, the tiny, upset person will have to lower his volume just to be able to hear you.

  It’s a giant list, but now you have a complete S-S-S-S-S+P+V. I assure you that it’s a proven winner, even if at times it seems like overkill. My secret combo weapon is a baby in a good swaddle, positioned on his side facing me (stomach to stomach), held close to my body, with a steady sway, patting him softly on the back with a light “shhh” as needed. It’s kind of like rubbing your stomach while patting your head and making a cappuccino with your feet. You’ll get it down in time. Perfecting this combo has made me look like a baby whisperer to many people. I especially love using it to help calm someone else’s baby that they say is inconsolable. It works nearly every time. Honestly, in the rare event that it fails, it’s probably because of colic or hunger.

  These things take some practice and a little time. Take them on as a challenge, as essential skills that you must master. Passing the baby to his mom every time he cries is a failure. I repeat, a failure. I hate seeing guys do this. It’s sadly a common practice for many males. If you can only hold him or care for him when he’s happy, you aren’t much help. You must be able to soothe him too. I dare to say that you need to be the best one at it. You will probably be sharing the time holding your new one with your wife, family, and friends. Put in the time whenever possible, and do the work. It won’t be needed as much in the first few days but will be of tremendous value in the weeks and months to come.

  Hit the Road, Jack

  Finally, a discharge that everyone welcomes with a smile.

  Leaving the hospital with the first child is a little strange. It feels like they shouldn’t authorize you to just put him in your car and go home—at least not without taking classes, getting a permit, a confetti drop, and a police escort or something even more dramatic. A welcome home trip and reception like they had on American Idol™ would seem more appropriate.

  Regardless, it’s finally time to go home, which may come as a relief to you, knowing that real food and a comfortable bed are in your near future. On the other hand, it may be very intimidating and concerning. You don’t know what you are doing yet, and this little being that you are responsible for is a big deal. Can you imagine any other job where the boss hires you with no experience, then explains that this will be the most challenging, most important, and most demanding thing you have ever done, and then asks you to start the job immediately?

  If you think too much about it, it will inspire fear and anxiety. So just don’t think too much about it. You will learn on the fly. There is no better education than experience, and you will get plenty of it along the way. I will get you started, and you will be in a better place than 90% of the rest of the new dads in the world. People that are much less prepared, with less intelligence and less will, do survive this. You will be fine.

  Once Mom has recovered, and everyone has passed all of their inspections, the attending doctor will sign off on the official discharge orders. This frees your family to be released from the hospital’s care and go home. On the first baby, most hospitals will keep you at least two nights, if not three or more. By baby number four with good rapport, you can get discharged faster than you can get food from a taco truck. It’s totally a judgment call, and everything is negotiable. If you have some extra family help at home, and everyone is doing well, I say, get out of there as soon as possible. If you have full coverage insurance and want to have a few extra days to learn how to change, feed, and swaddle, and delay full responsibility and custody of this little family member, you may want to stay until they kick you out. An extended stay at an obnoxiously expensive, uncomfortable resort with bad food is never a request that my wife makes.

  My wife always prefers to go home as soon as possible. One time, we were growing impatient and worried that another day would be added to our stay and our bill. I asked the nurse, “What happens if we just leave?” We had not been officially discharged yet, even though the last doctor verbally said that we were all clear. We were waiting for the next attending doctor that would make rounds several hours later. We were on the cusp of potentially having to stay another night if the doctor didn’t come on time or if she didn’t agree with the previous one. The nurse answered the question candidly and informed us that she could not restrain us or keep us there against our will. She also pointed out that it’s not technically kidnapping if it’s your child and your hospital bracelet barcodes match. Instead of bolting for the door, she told us that she would make a few calls and get the paperwork faxed over. We left legally and followed protocol, after all. I’ve been to Alcatraz and seen the TV specials on it. I’m confident that I could have contrived a plan to get out of that hospital if it came down to it.

  Someone will likely come with a wheelchair to escort your rock star wife. In my experience, this person is usually the coolest employee in the entire establishment. I’m not sure why, but it’s proven to be true time and again. Of all the duties at the hospital, I imagine that one is a pretty happy gig. I think it’s customary for the new mom to hold the baby on the way out as she is wheeled to the door. Your job during the transfer will be mostly to look happy while other people in the hospital give “Oh, how sweet” looks. You carry the bags, making sure that you don’t leave anything behind, and get the car ready. Don’t forget to get some good pics of the departure too.

  Before you bolt for the door, you’ll need my discharge hack. This simple practice is quick and valuable: grab everything that you can legally take from the room. You’ll need to leave the bed and the rock-hard chair, but get all of the unused disposables. Let your favorite nurse know that you are leaving soon and ask what you are allowed to take home and if there are more free samples or goodie bags. You likely paid for everything currently in the room, but there are always some freebies too. Many companies give the hospital lots of free stuff so that you get hooked on their products. Get diapers, wipes, soaps, lotions, and anything that they are willing to give you. Once, I left with a free car seat, a fully stocked diaper bag, and four cases of pre-mixed formula bottles. If you are bottle feeding at all, the most useful thing for you to get is the ready to drink, 2-ounce formula bottles. Don’t forget the plastic rings and nipples that go on them. These are disposable, one-time-use, ready-to-drink bottles. Those little suckers are not cheap. You can thank me later when the free ones run out and you’re forced to buy the first case at the full retail price. As long as they are free, snag as many as they will allow. Our family graduates to glass bottles later, but for now, don’t bust my chops on the plastic argument. If you are a save-the-planet minded, hater of plastic, you may want to make an exception for a month. I’m sure a few of our old bottles are floating next to your coffee K-cups in an ocean somewhere, but I’m OK with that. We do recycle everything if that makes you feel any better. Take conveniences when you can get them in the first stage of this journey. Trust me.

  At this point, you’ve already installed the baby’s seat in your car and learned how to use it. You did that already, right? The wheelchair pusher will escort your newly expanded family out. Now it’s time to buckle this tiny, awesome person into his safe seat, which suddenly seems to be a gargantuan, over-padded throne. Everyone is set to go. It feels like there should be some formal send off procedure, official training course with final instructions, a field guide, and a contract to sign. There is nothing. The guy who rolled you out, who has had no infant training, simply closes the car door, says farewell, and returns to the facility to find another family to roll out.

  Your only job now is to drive the family car home safely. You have been operating your vehicles unconsciously and haphazardly for many years. However, this time, you religiously abide by everything you learne
d in driver’s ed. You suddenly transform into a very emotional, defensive driver and realize all the dangerous moves that other ignorant drivers make.

  3 DAYS AD

  Mama, We’re Coming Home

  Ahh, the sweet smell of home, your bed, your kitchen, and your mother-in-law.

  Hopefully, everything is well cleaned, organized, and prepared for the new baby to come home. Cribs, bassinets, changing tables, and feeding stations are all in place. Supplies are stocked, and everything is a go.

  It is so much better to come home to an organized, tidy home, rather than one that needs immediate attention. Everyone is tired, and there is much to do. Cleaning and organizing shouldn’t be on the list now. You have no idea how the new routines will pan out, but you know that there is work to do and less time available than ever before. Please don’t allow your wife to return to a messy abode. You may need to go home for a few hours the day before you are discharged from the hospital to tidy things up. Maybe you can call in a favor and get a family member to help, or even pay someone to do it while you are at the hospital. Just make sure that all the dishes are clean and put away, all the laundry is neatly finished, and every room is clean. Leave nothing undone, and grab some flowers while you’re at it. This peaceful and organized home environment can help reduce the emotional stress level. Knowing that these things are already complete will ease everyone’s mind, even if it is not noticed or mentioned.