by Nate Dallas
Now we need to talk about what needs to be set up for a smooth transition home. Obviously, you need at least one place to change the baby. I recommend having two designated spots. These could be a table equipped with a changing pad or just a simple blanket on a bed for now. One changing station should be where he will sleep, and the other spot should be where everyone will be relaxing and recovering. Just be sure to have a waterproof, washable (or disposable) covering wherever the locations are. Little people will urinate with uncanny timing during a change. Less often, but also plausible, is an unexpected number two while you are in mid-change, reaching for some diaper cream. You need to have diapers, wipes, and clothing within reach so that you never take your hands off the baby. They don’t roll over in the early days, but the practice of keeping a hand on them at all times should be ingrained in your mind forever and remain a mandatory staple for the changing process.
The idea of using a baby wipes warmer seems nice, but in reality, isn’t all that practical or necessary. That is one of those 214 things that you register for because you think it sounds good at the time. You maybe even pondered how satisfying warm wipes would be on your own bottom. Regardless of your affinity for a warm, moist cleanse, it’s just not a legitimate need. Babies will likely not like to be changed either way, warm or cold. Once you get good at it, it only takes a few seconds, so he won’t be upset long. The problems with warmers are that they must remain plugged in, they require an extra step to load the wipes into it, and they can be incubators for mold. A warm, wet, dark location is perfect for bacteria to grow. Also, you will change your baby like 1,000 times a week. You will not always be in a place with a warmer nearby and won’t have a battery operated one in your bag (although I’m sure they exist). Just let the little one get accustomed to a room temperature diaper change, and he will be okay. Hacking fatherhood is about simplifying and streamlining as many processes as possible.
If you are breastfeeding, you will want to have a nursing pillow for Mom, like a Boppy™. These are useful and help her support and position the baby during feeding. You may also need a breast pump. These are expensive, and a lot of mothers have one in the closet sitting idle. Ask around, and see if someone may have one that you can borrow before you purchase one. The more personal parts of the apparatus are either disposable or washable. They can easily be sterilized or replaced. The breast pump will allow the mother to pump excess milk and keep it for later use. That means you can help. I highly recommend you do the feeding as often as possible. The process of using a breast pump can be awkward, laborious, uncomfortable, and even embarrassing for women. It’s not a spectator sport, and she may not want you to help in this process. Everyone is different, so like everything else, just talk to your spouse, and respect her preferences and needs.
Ask your pediatrician about storage times and methods for keeping breast milk safe for your baby’s consumption. Most people keep it in the fridge for a few days. Some people freeze it and build up a supply for much later. It’s good to have some back stock so that you can do some feeding with a bottle at times and so that you have a second option when breastfeeding is not ideal. You may have a busy day when a bottle works much easier. Also, there are some specific times when breastfeeding is not recommended. An example would be when the mother has to take certain medications that can be transmitted through the milk to the baby. Many vitamins, supplements, antibiotics, and other medicines can enter the breast milk. If your wife is taking any of these, be sure to ask your doctor about all of them.
Whether pumping or solely formula feeding, having many bottles on hand is crucial. You will need to sterilize the bottles, nipples, and rings by boiling them or using a high temp setting in the dishwasher before the first use. You probably want to do it after every use, not just the first time out of the pack. Discuss this with the doctor too. We use glass bottles instead of plastic because we boil ours regularly and don’t want any potential plastic contaminants. They also last a lot longer and can be used for years to come with multiple children. The downside is that they are heavy and breakable. You decide what works best for your family.
If using formula, there is an easy hack for making rapid bottles and staying on track. I mentioned the 2-ounce, ready-to-feed bottles from the hospital. These are super convenient, and I recommend using them for at least the first few weeks. You especially want to keep them in the diaper bag for when you are away from home. They cost more, but they eliminate the need to carry water and formula that need to be mixed. Much larger bottles of pre-mixed formula are available at the pharmacy or grocery store. If you buy the larger bottles, be careful, they may have a short expiration window once you open them. Check the labels and plan accordingly. You don’t want to waste the pre-mixed formula because it’s pricey. When the little guy is only eating two ounces at every feeding, you may not finish the entire large bottle before it expires. They will also need to be refrigerated, which means you will have to add a warming step before feeding.
Get yourself a bottle drying rack, a bottle warmer, and a dishwasher basket for nipples and rings. If you don’t have a dishwasher, you will need to designate a basket or storage container for the used and uncleaned parts. Have enough bottles, nipples, and rings for two to three full days of feeding. Always rinse them out immediately after feeding to remove all the visible residue, even if they aren’t getting the final, high-temp wash yet. Only fully cleaned supplies go on the drying rack, ready to assemble after the final wash. I repeat, only clean ones go on the drying rack. When it’s feeding time, put the correct volume of water or breast milk in a clean bottle. Heat it in the bottle warmer to the proper temperature. Test the water or milk to make sure it isn’t too hot. If using formula and water, dump your correctly measured formula into the bottle, put on a new nipple and ring, and shake. If you use a bottle that is an ounce or two bigger than you need, you get a much better mix when shaking it. In other words, allow some room for mixing. If it’s too full, you won’t get a good mix, the formula will clump together, and you will need a small stirring spoon to finish the job.
After feeding and burping, rinse everything out and place the rinsed parts into the dishwasher basket or “dirty” container. Once per day, or every other day if you have enough supplies, you will run the dishwasher or hand clean and boil all the parts and reload them onto the rack. There will be a lot of bottles in the coming weeks, and having a simple, streamlined system will prove to be very beneficial. Good systems make life easier.
Don’t expect your wife or mother-in-law to do this stuff; keeping the bottles clean and ready for use is an easy job and a way for you to be more useful. Make life as easy as possible for your new baby’s mother, even if you are exhausted. Minimize her responsibilities, and keep doing the work.
Getting in the Groove
Do you think he’s tired? He’s probably just hungry. Maybe wet? It’s probably colic.
If you have not been paying attention to anything in this book so far, wake up now. This chapter will elevate the happiness in your home and decrease the stress on the entire family. It will be tricky to get started, but if done well, will dramatically improve your success. Discipline in the beginning makes for predictability, structure, and confidence in the end. Investing time and attention now will build consistent patterns that pay major dividends. Humans are adaptable and will learn to function within most any system. If we strategically build that system, we can control many of the behaviors within it. You must create the master plan for the little guy to learn the preferred behaviors. Most people fail to build a deliberate plan, and not surprisingly, success is never achieved. Floundering all day with an unhappy, unrested, hungry child will certainly result in the absence of a structured plan. Some parents succeed in having a plan but deviate from it or abort the mission when it gets hard. They plan to fix it later, and just try to survive the day. The delay goes on for days, then months. Usually, the fix never happens, and if it does, the problem is much harder to reign in.
Hav
ing a structured routine must be deliberate, or the success will never materialize. This is the case for most every area of our lives, but certainly true for new families starting a new routine and a new way of life. Many people fly by the seat of their pants in everything in life. They are undisciplined and unorganized, which leads to a more stressful life. Luckily for my children and me, my wife has never been undisciplined or unorganized. She has taught me that these traits make parenting so much more successful and remarkably easier. We watch other parents maintain a level of confusion, frustration, unrest, stress, and unpredictability. These people are missing something of utmost importance: a regimented, automatic, unchangeable routine.
You must establish a routine now. It’s a boring concept, but highly effective. A set schedule for feeding, wake times, napping, and bedtime is imperative. This is a huge parenting hack. Much like we discussed earlier with proper eating, training a child’s tastes and dietary habits, we will again condition a child to act in a favorable, healthier pattern. You will be able to train your baby when to be tired and when to be hungry. Having a predictable eating and sleeping schedule means that Mom and Dad won’t be losing their minds, confused and wondering why the little one is crying again. The steady routine will allow you the opportunity to have a fitness workout, go to church, go out to eat, have a phone conversation, or even have an uninterrupted bathroom break for yourself, without the world imploding and sending you into a hair-pulling rage. You can make appointments and schedule your life because you will know exactly when your baby will need what he needs. I cannot stress enough how important this is. We must craft and commit to a rigid schedule early, then adhere adamantly to the plan.
Feed at the same times every day. Don’t make excuses or special provisions and wing it on the fly. If you do, they will happen almost every day, and your schedule will be a joke. If you have to stop the car on the road trip to be able to feed on time, do it. If you have to excuse yourself from the party early to get your baby in bed, do it. What you do now will determine what you will have to do later. Please read that last sentence one more time. People will not understand, and they will think you are paranoid and overbearing. I’m fine with that. Chaos is the norm for most parents, but not for you. You are extraordinary. You are a hacker. You are winning at the same game that is making everyone else miserable. Stick to the plan without outside pressure or exceptions. Cultivate your rigid feeding schedule based on the doctor’s recommendations. If you need two ounces every three hours, that’s the plan. Don’t get one ounce in now and try to get the other ounce in 45 minutes later. Keep trying until the little guy takes the full recommended amount, or until you know, it cannot be done. If he doesn’t finish the bottle, don’t supplement 30 minutes later during a non-feeding time. Wait until the next time slot and try to get the full bottle in then. He will be hungrier, and you will have a better chance to get the full bottle finished.
Remember, you are training his system. If you allow an ounce here and an ounce there, and just feed when he seems hungry, he will learn that feeding routine and you will forever struggle to get him to eat a full meal. We must train his system when and how it will receive food. A good meal means that he isn’t going to be hungry for a few hours. A partially consumed, poorly executed feeding results in a child that will be angry at any time (or the entire time) during the next few hours. Of course, some feeding times will take a while based on how fast he drinks and how well he burps. You will probably stop after every half ounce to burp him in the beginning. Your pediatrician will tell you when to change the schedule and the volume.
After feeding time comes wake time. Wake time is a fatherhood hack that you will come to cherish; it is a happy time for playing, speaking, and interacting. It’s also part of the conditioning that will begin to be a reliable cue for nap time. Wake time should be stimulating and engaging for both baby and parent. It will take time for it to feel like your baby is being engaged or stimulated, but the routine starts now. You will both cherish the face time, and he will learn to stay awake and alert for it in time. He will also be learning your voice along the way. Eventually, there will be eye contact, smiles, and direct response. Even though it won’t seem like much, stick with the plan. As Marcus Lemonis confidently says to owners as he is rebuilding their business, “You’ve got to trust the process.” The baby will learn to be playfully awake and happy after each feeding. The goal is feed, wake, sleep, in that order. If it gets out of sequence, he will start falling asleep when he should be eating and will fail to finish a good meal. That will lead to him waking upset before he is fully rested because he’s hungry. Eventually, he may depend on the bottle to fall asleep. It’s an unhealthy cycle. Keep the proper sequence, and train him to do it your way. Eat well, then play well, then sleep well. This is good advice for humans at any age.
Wake time will vary in length based on how long it takes to feed. That’s because next to feeding, the other important and strictly regimented time slot is for rest. Feeding has a set time, and resting has a set time. Whatever time is between these two is the wake time. If it takes a long time to eat and burp, wake time may be shorter that morning. Thirty minutes is probably a good expectation for wake time. Most people start to get a little sleepy about 30 minutes after a full belly. Babies are no exception.
After feeding and a stimulating wake time, it’s time for a nap. Like feed times, the nap time is laid out on the schedule and religiously respected. Training a child when to nap is vital for your well-being, and for his. In time, you can plan the things that you need to get done every day around the time he will be sleeping. You might just want to take a nap yourself. With this system, unlike most parents who are just winging it and struggling to survive, you will have options. His growth and development depend on getting proper rest. He will sleep a lot in the first few weeks, and you will be grateful for it. Again, make out a schedule for feeding and sleeping, and follow it faithfully.
It’s important for nap time it to be quiet and undisturbed. Don’t come in and out of the room. Visual stimulation affects his resting state, so movement and visual activity in the room needs to cease. You may want to keep the door open so that you can hear. That’s fine, just try not to go in and out until the nap is over. Naps are easier in the early days, but will only remain that way if you get the routine down now. I recommend not using a noise maker or sound machine. The reason I say this is because if a child becomes dependent on a particular noise to fall asleep, he will learn to require it forever. That could be problematic later if you do not have access to that same noise. Babies can become accustomed to the regular ambient sounds that are in a home, including daily things like urban noise, other children in the house, or noisy neighbors. That is a good thing and certainly recommended. Don’t train him to require an environment that is impossible or difficult to recreate.
Just remember that whatever you do, stay consistent. Swaddle the same way every time. Rock the baby or sway with him the same amount of time every time. Sing, talk, or pray softly the same way every time. Dim the lights the same way every time. All of these things will be cues that he learns to associate with sleep time. Later, he will start to relax during the swaddle. He will yawn while you sway, and get heavy eyes while you sing. It’s like Pavlovian magic.
I want to recommend a sleeping hack that has always worked well for us. During nap time, leave a small lamp or brighter nightlight on in the room. Maybe leave the blinds open a little. This bit of light is only used during daytime napping. That light should be extinguished or made substantially dimmer at night for his actual bedtime. This simple change serves two important purposes. One is that it will allow the baby to learn to differentiate between nap time and bedtime. We want bedtime to have a few extra cues so that the little guy will learn to sleep through the night. The other reason to keep a brighter light on during rest time is for him to learn to sleep and take naps in the daytime light. There will be times when you need him to rest in the stroller, in the car, or at a foreign lo
cale that he isn’t accustomed to. It will sometimes be impossible to make some places dark. You don’t want full darkness to be the determining factor in whether he takes a good nap or not. Whatever they are trained to do early will be what they require later. Keep it simple, and plan ahead. Make the standard sleeping environment one that is easily reproduced. New babies naturally spend a lot of time sleeping in the beginning. The easy sleeping in the first few days means that setting up a schedule will be much easier now than it will be later. You may find that it’s harder keeping him awake during wake time than it is keeping him asleep during rest time.
Now comes the hard part. You have to decide how long rest time will be, and make it a rigid part of the schedule. Every child needs a different amount of rest, so it may take a little while to figure out the best routine. Then you must have the discipline to allow the rest to happen. The child may not be sleeping the entire time, but he needs a designated amount of quiet, lower light, rest time. Try to stay out of there for the whole time if possible. This can be difficult when initially establishing the routine, and he cries as soon as you leave the room. There is an overwhelming urge to go in there and fix everything. The desire to check on him, pick him up, to grab a pacifier, or to rock him to sleep is insanely difficult to suppress, especially for your first baby. It’s a real struggle because the sound of a crying baby instinctively bothers us and calls us to action. You want him to stop crying, for him and for everyone else. A baby’s cry is stressful for everybody within hearing proximity, but even worse when that baby is your own. Just remember that you are establishing routines and patterns now, and the effort will produce favorable results later. If he observes that you will come in every time he cries for more than four minutes, he will learn to do just that and to expect it. You are also doing him a disservice if you don’t allow him adequate time to get tired and to fall asleep. He must learn how to self-soothe and how to fall asleep without your constant intervention. His sleep patterns will suffer and so will his health if he cannot get proper rest. Some doctors say that crying is good exercise and that babies need it. I’m not saying to let him scream in agony for an hour. However, five to ten minutes may be just what he needs to tucker out and fall asleep on his own.