“It’s okay,” I tell her.
“But are you fucking okay?” my dad asks.
That breaks me completely. Like a hammer to glass, I shatter. My sob chokes me for a second, and my mom hugs me even tighter.
I don’t want to be more famous than them.
I don’t want it.
I don’t.
I’m not fucking ready.
Please.
I’m not fucking ready.
I was never going to be ready.
47
AKARA KITSUWON
If you loved her at all, you wouldn’t do this to her.
Ryke’s words rage and rage and rage inside my head. When I’m on-duty, I stay focused. No drifting, but shit, it’s hard to concentrate on the New Year’s Eve party around me. And I’ve cursed so many times in my fucking head, I’m surprised I haven’t launched into a string of profanities out loud and just welched on the bet that I lost back in November.
She’s safe from any hands now.
I hang onto that fact.
Sulli, Banks, and I have taken box seats in a theatre. No fancy opera or ballet are performing on stage.
Tom Cobalt’s band, The Carraways, in all their emo-punk glory belt out head-bangers to a crowd of old and young. Of course, Rose and Connor Cobalt would want their son to take center stage at their party. And Tom looks completely in his element. With heavy eyeliner and emotive baby blues, he sings passionately into the mic like his life is on the line. Captivating almost the entire audience.
I’m barely engaged. Not a knock on the music, just a knock on a terrible damn night.
Younger crowds gather near the stage to dance, friends of the families. Some are family, like the girl squad, Luna, and some of Tom’s brothers. Others, like us, retire to seats to munch on hors d’oeuvres.
My mini smoked salmon tart remains untouched on the table next to me.
“Go Fish,” Sulli says softly and sips on champagne.
Banks and Sulli play cards in the seats beside mine.
I decline for security reasons. I’m eyeing every entrance and exit like her life depends on my vigilance. Because it does. I don’t trust anyone.
They all want a piece of her.
They can’t have her.
I spot someone snapping photos towards us from the second row below. I click my mic. “Akara to Thatcher, second row. Camera.”
“I’m on it.”
After the entrance from hell, SFO agreed to look out for Sulli tonight. They’ll put temps on their clients if they need to be pulled away.
I appreciate that.
More than they can possibly know.
But still…
If you loved her at all, you wouldn’t do this to her.
I did this to her.
“Go fish for a card there, mermaid,” Banks says.
Sulli’s hand trembles on her way to pick up a card. “Fuck. Sorry.”
“No apologies necessary,” he says tenderly. “Here.” He picks up the card for her.
“Thanks.” They tried playing gin rummy and she couldn’t grasp the game right now. Banks has been comforting her and briefly surveying the concert.
I asked Sulli if she’d rather just ditch the party and go back to the hotel, but she said she wanted to brave this out. No quitting, no bailing.
It’s what Jane and Moffy would do, she said.
The more she shakes, the more a knife is plunged in my gut. She shouldn’t have to brave this out. Hiding in this box seat isn’t a part of the plan. Normally, she’d be on the floor with Luna and banging her head unrhythmically to punk music.
I think about her life, and how we all know it’s going to change now that she’s dating me and Banks in public. I don’t want Sulli to miss out on anything.
I feel like I’ve stolen something from my girlfriend. Her life. Her ability to experience everything and miss out on nothing, with no one impeding her fast, vigorous stride.
I’ve thrown her to the wolves.
I’m letting her be eaten alive.
Shit.
I run a hand through my hair and try to shift my mind. I listen to the music more as Tom’s band switches to a drums-heavy song. The drummer bangs his sticks slow, off beat. I cringe. Before Sulli, I was Tom’s bodyguard for a little over a year, and there’s one thing I know about him.
He’s a perfectionist.
So I’m unsurprised when he shoots a look back to the shaggy-haired blond.
The upside—I doubt anyone else notices the drums. Maybe I’m only picking up the bad tempo because I used to play them.
“Price to Alpha, Epsilon, Omega.” The owner of Triple Shield is on comms. “The venue’s security is having trouble with the front door. I need three men from each team.”
I roll my eyes, a little annoyed that he’s referring to Omega like my men are still under his flagship. I click my mic. “Copy. I’ll send you three guys from Kitsuwon Securities.”
Banks glances at me. “You need me?”
She needs you.
I shake my head. “I’m sending the Yale boys.” I radio it in. I trust them to show Triple Shield that we’re more than capable of handling front-door security.
Sulli lays down a pair on the little café table. “Everything okay?”
I don’t want to lie, but I’m trying not to freak her out. “They just needed more security at the front door.”
She nods. “My mom says it’ll blow over once people start forgetting about us.” She tries to shrug, but the motion is weak. “I know that won’t be tonight. But maybe it’ll be sooner than we think.”
It could be never.
The thought is another blade in my chest. Stabbing. Cutting. Slashing. I don’t want to think the worst, but I’m trained to look out for the worst. I’m trained to stop the crash before the damage is done.
You can’t stop this crash, Nine.
I have to.
Preserve her happiness. Preserve her life. What’s left if the world rips her to shreds?
The Carraways stop playing suddenly and Tom grabs the mic. “Okay, lovely people, it’s that time. Grab the person you love. We’re counting down to the new year!” Cheers erupt.
“TEN!” The shouting begins.
This past year flashes through me, all the ups and downs. Peaks, valleys, tears and laughter. Beginning in Scotland. Snowed-in. Coming back to a fire. Watching Sulli’s home burn down. I created Kitsuwon Securities. We went to Anacapri.
Three weddings this year.
No funerals.
One baby.
We drove to Montana.
Sulli climbed mountains.
We cheered her on.
We were happy in the woods. Happy in the penthouse.
This long, eventful year is ending, and maybe this is where it’s supposed to close. This is where everything reverses. Back to normalcy for Sulli.
Back to a life she can live without being suffocated by the world around her.
“SIX!” Tom and the crowd shout.
“Should we kiss?” Sulli asks us over the countdown.
Before tonight, I would’ve said no. We weren’t public. This is a public event. But our relationship is now technically out in the open.
Yet, we still haven’t confirmed anything.
“FIVE!”
Banks is looking for me to make the call. At the end of the night, this is a security decision.
“FOUR, THREE—”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.” That’s a lie. In my gut, I know what should happen.
We shouldn’t kiss.
“TWO, ONE.”
They don’t.
We don’t.
Right now, we have a chance to resolve this. I’m already coming up with a plan in my head. I’m already starting to realize there’s a way out.
There always is.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
Leaving the theatre proves as difficult as entering, but this time we’re more prepared. All of SFO help us reach the
car. The parking garage for the five-star hotel is already secured.
We ride up the elevator. Slip into the empty hallway. I look left and right. She’s safe here. Exhaustion wears all of us down as Banks swipes the keycard, and the three of us enter the hotel room. It takes me and Banks a couple more minutes to search the room.
No strangers.
No hotel staff.
No bugs.
All clear.
Banks kicks off his shoes, and Sulli immediately heads to the minifridge. I stay beside the door, leaning against the wood. Outside the hotel windows, snow drifts in the night sky. With tightness in my ribs, I watch the soft flurries float sideways, downward.
Nearly every shitty day of my life, it’s been snowing.
Banks rakes a hand across the back of his neck. His concern flits from Sulli to me. “You don’t need to watch the door all night, Akara.”
“I know,” I breathe out. Am I really breathing though?
He shakes his head, brows knitting like he’s stumped on why I haven’t moved my ass. The door is locked. She’s safe.
But what about tomorrow? What about years from now?
Sulli picks through the snacks in the fridge, choosing Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. “What’s going on?” She stands up with unease.
Banks threads his arms, eyes on me. “I’m trying to figure that one out.”
I take a breath. “I’ve been thinking about how to fix this.”
Sulli sighs out in relief. “Thank fucking God. You have a plan.” She plops on the edge of the bed.
Banks looks more skeptical. “Akara—”
Pressure slams on my chest. I’m already in pain as I open my mouth to speak. Say the words. Say the words. I look from him to her. “I’m breaking up with both of you.” My voice sounds raw and constricted.
Wind rushes out of our hotel room.
Sulli loses grip of her chocolate and the package thumps to the floor at her feet.
Banks pushes forward. “Say again?”
I grind my teeth, nose flaring. “I’m breaking up with you. Both of you. It’s over. This is over.”
Her eyes glass. Mine are burning. “As a media stunt, right?” Sulli asks. “It won’t be for real.”
I shake my head, neck tight. “No, it’s for real, Sul.” She’s not living a lie for the rest of her life. “It needs to be real. This is a clean break. It’ll be like you only chose Banks all along.”
“But I didn’t just choose Banks,” Sulli chokes out, hurt and confusion coursing through her green eyes.
Banks glares at me. “You’re not even gonna ask for my advice? You always ask for my fucking advice.” He pushes closer, arms outstretched like come at me.
I’m not fighting him on this. “I know what you’ll say, Banks.” I grimace into a wince. “You’ll tell me I’m a fucking idiot, a stunad.”
“You don’t think you’re being one?” Banks questions coldly, his eyes reddening as he sees how staunch in this decision I am. “You don’t want to fucking do this—I know you don’t.”
“I have to!” I yell from my core.
“I’m telling you, you don’t,” Banks growls out. “Don’t fucking do this, man. This won’t change anything—”
“It’ll change everything. And you know it, too. We have time. We still have time. We haven’t confirmed anything or been caught as a triad. Once the world knows it’s just you two together, they’ll back off Sulli.” I shift my weight and point at the ground. “And this is how it should be, Banks. You deserve to be number one in her life—”
“We’re both number one, you dumbass,” Banks says with hurt. “Whoever’s in your head telling you I’m second, cut ‘em out.”
I hear him, but all I see is a path where Sulli is free of pain and misery. That path doesn’t include me. Maybe it never did, and to even go for her was selfish. “Things will be back to normal once I’m out of the picture.”
“No,” Sulli snaps, jumping off the bed and coming forward beside Banks. “I don’t want that. I want you.” She keeps her distance, like she’s scared I’ll physically push her away too.
I run my tongue over my teeth, my face cinching in pain. “I’m not putting you through what just happened again, Sul.” I strengthen my voice, my decision. “I won’t. I can’t.”
Banks is shaking his head vigorously, glaring murderously.
Sulli is frozen in a state of shock.
I take a bigger breath. “I’ll remove myself from your detail so it won’t be hard. I’ll grab my stuff out of your room tomorrow—”
“STOP!” Sulli yells at me, tears surging and slipping down her face. “Fucking stop!” Her voice cracks.
My gaze scalds, fighting back my own tears.
“Stay tonight,” Banks forces out. “Let’s talk about this. Don’t just fucking run away!”
“I’m not running. I’m protecting us. I’ve been protecting you two this entire time, and somewhere, deep down, I knew…” I push back my hair, breath shortened. “I fucking knew this is what it’d have to come to. You don’t know, but I told Ryan Reed you two are secretly dating.”
“You did what?” Banks almost yells.
Sulli has her hands on her head. “Fuck, fuck.”
“I hoped he’d go spill it,” I admit, rubbing my nose that runs. “I wanted that out in the world—the relationship that has the least pain, the least heartache, the most strength. It’s you two. It was always supposed to be you two. I cut in—”
“I cut in,” Banks refutes.
“You kissed her first.”
“She’s always loved you.”
Sulli’s face contorts. “It’s the three of us. It was always supposed to be the three of us.” She turns to me. “How is this protecting us, Kits? This media craze could be over in a couple weeks. We just need to wait it out like my mom said.”
“Like your mom said,” I repeat those words. Distress cramps my chest as I picture where Sulli is headed. “She’s wrong, Sul.”
“No, she’s right.”
I shake my head. “Lily Calloway and Loren Hale never shed their fame.”
“I’m not my aunt and uncle.”
“You’re not,” I agree. “But think about it, Sulli. Everything they did kept bringing more attention and more eyes and more curiosity and more click-bait. The headlines sucked people in. The sex addict living with her sisters. The sex addict and alcoholic getting married. The sex addict and alcoholic having kids.”
Banks has his arms around Sulli as she wipes at her eyes. He asks me, “What does that prove?”
“How do we know this is any different?” I wave a finger around the room. “The headlines are right here. The Meadows Olympian dating two men. The Meadows Olympian fucking two men. The Meadows Olympian having babies with two men.”
Sulli blinks and more tears fall.
I take a breath. “Just living your life, Sulli, is going to be a spectacle.” I touch my chest. “I love you both too much to put you through that.” Pain lances everywhere. “I have to end this.”
Leave.
Never look back.
She has Banks. She’ll be okay.
Turning around, I grab the doorknob.
Sulli lets out a sob that rips me apart.
Banks grabs at my shoulder. “Don’t fucking leave.” He’s choked.
I spin around, the pain in his eyes reflecting the pain in mine. “She loves you, Banks. She’ll be happy with you. She’ll be safe with you.”
“Even if that were true, what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Don’t do this to yourself. I’ve seen my brother sacrifice what makes him happy for what he feels is right and just, and you can’t do this. Don’t fucking do this.” He fists my shirt. “Be happy.”
I’d rather leave them knowing they’re happy. I can suffer alone. “Unlike the two of you, I grew up as an only child. I’ve lived with no family in Philly. I’m used to being alone.”
“And you hate it,” Banks sa
ys coldly. “I need you. She needs you. We need you.”
Sulli rubs at her face and comes closer, her hand brushing against my hand. “This won’t fucking work without both of you. Kits.”
I meet her eyes. “I don’t know if I ever believed that.”
Like I detonated a bomb at our feet, Sulli stumbles back. “What?”
Banks catches her from falling onto the floor.
“In my heart,” I say tightly, “I think if I didn’t exist, you two would still be perfect together. But for me to be with Sulli, I’ll always need Banks.”
Banks groans out with the shake of his head. “That’s horseshit and you know it.”
“I don’t,” I say, swallowing a lump in my throat. I need to go. Just standing here is killing me. “I guess we’ll find out.”
“KITS!” Sulli screams.
But I’m faster than the Olympian this one time, and I’ve exited the door before she reaches me. For security reasons, I’m positive Banks won’t let Sulli leave the room.
Even on the other side of the door, I hear her sobs.
I was happy, wasn’t I?
You were, Nine.
But this pain will end eventually. It has to.
One day, I’ll wake up and I’ll see Banks and Sulli happy. Married. With babies. Living a conventional life. And I will know I gave them that.
As I take every weighted, horrible step away from them, I try to believe this won’t kill me.
48
SULLIVAN MEADOWS
I thought the paparazzi outside the theatre would be the worst part of the night.
Wrong.
Totally fucking wrong.
This took the cake. I’m on my knees in the hotel room, and Banks is kneeling in front of me while I’m buckled over in his arms.
“It hurts…” I choke out, silent tears streaming. My agonized gaze hasn’t shifted off the ground.
Banks cups my wet cheek, lifting my face to his bloodshot eyes. “It’s gonna be okay.” Banks is good at holding on to hope, and I see him scavenging for those obliterated pieces.
I nod with him, but my throat swells. Pain surges back inside. “We should run after him,” I rasp. “Let’s go.”
Neither of us move.
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