by Thomas Baker
Even though it wasn't completelydark yet it would be dark enough inside. At the last stop, Colby, Gus had the brilliant idea of taking flashlights and taping them onto some hats. Hannah got hers out, turned the light on, and swapped it out with the hat already on her head.
JT and Randall pulled open the glass sliding doors. Everyone came inside and the two pushed them back closed. JT gave her a half smile before going off. Every time JT showed her any attention or affection a wave of guilt passed over her. She brushed the feelings aside. She had a job to do, now was not the time.
She swept through the aisles and behind the checkout counter. Her thoughts wouldn't be so easily swayed though. She beat herself up again. How could she have been led so astray at the church? How could she have almost been seduced by Reverend Albright? How could she have allowed herself to become an accomplice to the murder of Tyrone?
That last thought always devastated her. She felt the tears come to her eyes again as she relived the moment. Albright put his hand over hers. Together they pushed Tyrone into the cage of zombies. A cage Albright had created. His sick, twisted version of Purgatory for those who defied him.
Did she murder Tyrone though? A part of her always countered back no. But she had to be an accomplice right? There was no doubt she murdered Albright. Was that a sin? She tried to tell herself it was in self defense. It had felt so good to do the deed though. What did that mean for her soul?
She struggled with these questions and more late every night, alone in her sleeping bag, ever since leaving the church. She couldn't remember the last time her sleep was peaceful, unbroken. Hannah prayed all the time but so far she had received no response from God. She read her Bible when they stopped each night but it gave her little relief from the pain she felt.
A bang from the other room broke her train of thought. She ran to the back, where the sound came from. Praying JT and Gus were alright the entire way. The door stood open and two lights bobbled up and down in the near dark.
"You guys okay?" Hannah shouted into the room. A light turned towards her.
"Yeah. Just a little jumpy I guess," said the voice of JT. "Sorry."
"Something moved, saw a dead body. Turned out it was a cat, curled up next to a corpse," said Gus, sounding shaken. "I feel like Indy Jones when he has to put up with snakes. Fucking cats, why did it have to be cats."
The two came back out of the room to join her, proclaiming the back all clear.
"There's a lovely aroma of rotting convenience store food and what I assume to be the store clerk back there," JT said with a grimace. "Dinner is served."
No one laughed.
"It was clear out there. No corpses, no zombies," Hannah said. "I wonder why this place looks so untouched."
"Good question miss," Gus said. "Let's go back up front and see if Linda and Randall are done."
The two were standing idle by the front door. Linda was looking out into the parking lot. Randall's mustache twitched as he reported in.
"The restaurant was clear. You wouldn't want to stay over there for long unless you like the smell of spoiled meat and cat piss. There must have been ten of themover there."
Linda turned around. "I found a zombie body over in the women's restroom. I don't know who took care of it, but its head was missing. No other bodies were around."
"Okay. Sounds like a good place to stay the night," Hannah said, shrugging off her backpack. "Let's see what we can find to eat."
Hannah grabbed a bottle of Pepsi, a can of tuna, and a fold up lawn chair she had found between the magnet display and the row of tiny glass knick knacks on a display case. She glanced wistfully at the microwave ovens as she passed them. She couldn't remember the last warm meal she had. She guessed it had to have been at the church. Now it was back to eating out of cans again. She wasn't much of a meat eater before, but she was craving a steak right about now. Medium, with a baked potato, the steam rising over it as she cut it open. A nice garden salad and some fresh fruit too, since anything fresh had all rotted away by now.
Hannah sighed, she was almost drooling now as she set up her chair over in front of the large row of windows at the front of the store. She looked out in the gloom, watching the sky grow cloudy and attempt to spit down snow. A few pitiful flakes made it to the glass and melted on contact.
JT set up a seat beside her. He opened up his bag of Lays Sour Cream and Chives and his bottle of Mountain Dew. Its hiss seemed as loud as the whines the cats had made when they were chased out of the store. Gus had made some comment about how he knew pussies would take over the world one day. She was glad, not for the first time, that Gus was still with them. He could almost always bring something funny and light to the grim situation they were trapped in.
"This one's not flat and is kind of cold," JT said, taking a hesitant sip. He knocked back half the bottle before digging into the chips.
"Chips and soda: dinner of champions." He let out a big belch. "I stuck a six-pack of Budweiser outside for later tonight."
Hannah hoped he wouldn't get as drunk as he did in the last city. He must have regaled her with twenty stories of his high school and college football days. He'd rattled off names of people and places she didn't know. Laughed at what must have been inside jokes. She had fallen asleep during his happy ramblings. She didn't know how much longer he had kept talking.
"Sounds delish," Hannah said. "You want to share some of those chips?"
JT tilted the bag to her without a word. He tried to act casual but Hannah could feel the awkwardness between them now. How could there not be, after what had happened?
She grabbed a handful of chips out, thinking now might be a good time to attempt toclear things up again. To see if there could still be anything between the two of them or if the door was closed for good. Maybe she could find some forgiveness. If JT could forgive her, then she could begin to maybe forgive herself. Not for the first time, she missed Ashley so bad her heart hurt. If only she was around to talk to. She said a quick silent prayer and then plunged right in.
"When it's quiet like this, I miss Alan and Dusty. I also miss Ashley and Tyrone. I miss them the most."
JT froze, his drink hovering in midair for a moment. Then he slammed back the rest of the bottle. "I do too, if you know what I mean."
JT smirked, and it broke Hannah's heart. She could feel herself on the verge of breaking down again. She took a few deep breaths before continuing on.
"I know it sounds like a lame excuse but I wanted nothing like that to happen. To hurt Tyrone. To...kill him."
JT put down the bag of chips and turned his chair to face her.
"You know, you didn't kill him. Reverend Albright did."
"Do you believe it? I mean, I am the one who pushed him in."
"You forget Hannah, I was there to see it. I saw him move your hand up, place it on Tyrone's back, and push. I saw you crying, bawling, the entire time."
"I want to believe you."
JT leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.
"He brainwashed you Hannah. Even now it seems like you aren't completelyfree. At first, I'll admit I was pissed at you. I blamed you for your part in it. I've had time to think about it though. It feels like years since we left. Trudging on and on. In time I've come to realize Albright used your faith and your vulnerability with the whole Ashley and Harold thing to manipulate you. That son of a bitch was the definition of silver tongued. He had everyone at that church eating out of his hand."
By the end of his tirade, JT sounded like he was ready to rip someone's head off.
Hannah couldn't help it. Tears came out, and she sobbed softly. She put her hands over her face. JT's words should have been a comfort. She couldn't believe in her heart she wasn't guilty.
She heard the shuffling of boots on the floor. Hannah looked behind her. Sheriff Randall had came over sometimeduring their talk.
"Hannah, you all right?" he asked.
Hannah wiped away her tears with her coat sleeve. She didn't trust hersel
f to talk. She nodded yes.
"Hey JT, you want to come over here with me for a moment?" It was a question that didn't sound like a question.
"Sure, I can. Here Hannah," JT handed the bag of chips to her. "Don't eat them all."
He did a terrible Schwarzenegger impression. "I'll be back."
Randall led JT to the door of the storage area at the back of the store. Randall's boots clicked, echoing in the enclosed space.
He took the stance he did back when he had them locked up in jail in Gateway City. One hand on his hip the other on the butt of his holstered gun. Like he was some kind of gunslinger.
"I want to start by saying I'm not one who gets involved in lovers' quarrels or enjoys giving out advice but I feel like I owe you, after what went down. I don't like that feeling. So here it goes. Let me tell you something about hot heads like yourself there young man."
JT noticed the rise in Randal's voice
"I used to be an aggressive and quick to anger man. It didn't take much for me to want to knock some mouthy pricks teeth down their throat. Sound familiar? The girl out there, Hannah, she needs you right now. You act like your anger is an entitlement to be a top-notch ass hat. This tough guy routine? It's run dry, no place for it anymore."
JT tried not to make any eye contact as he audibly huffed. Who does this guy think he is? Dusty, version two? Sheriff Randall still took notice.
"What? Doesn't interest you? Let me rehash a familiar story for you. How about being pinned down in a trench with your best friend bleeding to death at your feet and watching your platoon fall one by one in the rain and the mud and the muck that came from the blood being added to it."
If he was trying to make JT feel ashamed, it was working. His face burned in the near dark.
"Here's the thing JT. Like I said, you act like you hate the world, like this is all some plot against you. This Harold character you speak of. My time with you at the jail, when you tried to convince me about the things Albright was up to. I could see it even then. You enjoy your anger. I can see it, like fire in your eyes. Probably the same fire you had burning when you knocked that little girl out of that window."
JT inhaled sharply.
"Yeah, I know about what happened. Part of my job is to ask around, when something doesn't seem right. Hell she was probably more scared of you than you were of her but you were too damn pissed off to realize what you were doing. I deal with your type all the time, react and attack and THEN think about what you've done."
JT couldn't think of anything to say. He could still feel the anger, the one he thought he was done with, try to rise upat Randall's ambush. JT thought they were done when Randall spoke again.
"You ever seen that movie Red Dawn? The good one from the eighties? Not the crappy one with Thor in it." Randal stared intently and awaited a reply.
"Of course I have, who hasn't," JT muttered.
"Good. Glad to see you're paying attention. So you know what I am talking about when I say the two brothers in that movie that lead their little misfit operation of raggedy high schoolers. There they were in the end,the older brother a hot head bent on revenge finally realized he couldn't save the world and held his dying little brother in his arms and realizing how in over his damn head he was. How would you feel if that was you and your girlfriend Hannah? You speak so highly of her."
"I am failing to see your fucking point here Sheriff" JT's intensity grew as he ran his hands through his hair. He wasn't prepared for this onslaught. Dragging Hannah into this was kindling for the fire growing inside him. He didn't want to deal with this anymore. Or any of them. For the moment he didn't want to fight back. He wanted to escape. Go outside, grab his beers, and drink them in the cold, all alone.
"My point is a simple one here JT, and the point is this, and I hope you listen closely. You will NOT be punished FOR your anger, BUT you WILL be punished BY your anger. Do you want Hannah to end up like the little brother in the movie? If you still don't know the point I'm trying to make maybe we can go find that town where a little girl is splattered on the sidewalk and ask her for her opinion on the subject."
JT felt his lips tremble as his eyes welled up. "How dare you," JT said spitting each word in a whisper. "You're a stranger. You're nobodyto me. I don't fucking know you and you sure as shit don't know me!"
Randall remained cool in the face of JT's outrage. "You're right. I am. So there is no reason for me to hold back and be concerned about hurting your feelings. I don't really care if we're friends. We're thrown together because of circumstances, that's all. So you can take it to the bank I'm shooting straight with you. Do you want Hannah to be the next tragedy in your life? Think about what I've said." Apparently done, Sheriff Randall walked away.
JT stood still. He needed to collect himself before he went back and joined Hannah. What he wanted to do was nothing more than to slam through the front doors and wreck some shit. He looked across the store at Hannah and like that his anger deflated like a leaky balloon. He still hesitated and took two steps towards the front door before veering back to his seat next to Hannah.
"I left you exactly one chip," Hannah handed the bag back over to JT.
JT looked at her and gave a weak smile. She was still so warm and so upbeat after all she had been through. She was an amazing and beautiful person stuck in an ugly world. He felt a little envious of her ability to keep looking up. If anyone should be raging, it was her. He couldn't take it.
"Nah you keep it. I'm not hungry anymore." He got up before he could say anything else.
JT squeezed his way outside, got his six-pack, and sat on the curb. He polished it off in quick fashion, one after the other. He grabbed another pack, not caring about the brand. He stomped back outside. By the time he finished those six, the clouds had blown away, and the stars shone fiercely overhead. JT shivered as he stared off, not caring. After a while he went back inside. Everyone else had gone off to sleep. He crawled into his sleeping bag, feeling a warm welcoming buzz growing and drifted off into blissful nothingness.
Hannah decided for the next few days they would stay at the gas station. In a way it reminded her a lot of the first one where her and Ashley had met Gus, Dusty, and Tyrone. She had forgotten what it was called. Boy, how different things might have turned out if they had stayed there. She didn't want to stay at this one either. She thought hiding up in the mountains in some small town, so remote that only a couple hundred of people lived there before the Outbreak, would be the best idea.
She wanted to give her group the time to rest in a spot that seemed safe enough. They could eat up while there was food easily available. This would be a chance for everyone to recharge their batteries. They would need their strength for whatever was ahead. She hadn't expected to find a zombie horde in the middle of nowhere and for sure not one which stretched as far as the eye could see. All bets were offto what they might come across going forward.
She spent the next few days passing time by read through old magazines or her Bible. She made a request they all ate together at every meal. Idle chit chat passed the time. Randall spent a lot of time pacing, like a tiger in a zoo cage. When he wasn't doing thathe was outside, playing lookout. JT spoke to her politely but only when spoken to. Otherwise he disappeared into another part of the store most of the time. Hannah shrugged it off, deciding maybe space was the best thing for JT. She had a full plate keeping herself together.
Hannah spent the third afternoon of their stay looking over maps of Kansas and Colorado. Gus and Randall joined her, adding in their opinions. After analyzing the maps, and a calendar, trying hopelessly to figure out what day or month it was, Hannah decided after two more days in the gas station, they would move on. There were many miles to cover, winter was coming, and no guarantee of being able to drive all the way to the mountains.
JT was spending more and more of his time the next two days drinking. Hannah was getting a little worried about it. She thought maybe it had something to do with what he talked with Randall about o
n their first night at the station. Or he was experiencing some of the same guilt she was carrying around. He wouldn't open up to her about whatever was bothering him, so she decided she wouldn't bother him anymore about it for now. Besides, when they moved on, his chances of drinking anything but water would be slim.
She used the next two days to read the Bible, looking for answers and for solace. She prayed for forgiveness and reflected on what exactly had happened at the church with Albright. She was feeling a little better with each passing day. She she was making peace with what had happened and come to some terms with her part in it through Jesus.
It was on the last morning at the gas station that Hannah got up before anyone else. She felt energized with the excitement of moving on. Having so many days with no attacks or any zombies, with time for reflection, had bolstered her spirit.
"Come on JT, you sleepyhead," Hannah said, shaking him.
It felt like shaking a boulder. When he grumbled, she went to find the rest. Gus was snoring so loudly, she wondered how Linda could sleep. After giving Gus a shove he woke up wide eyed.
"Are zombies here to nibble on my biscuits?" he asked, bones popping as he stretched.
"No, it's still calm outside. I'm reallyready to go. Can you get the rest up Gus?"
With that done, Hannah ate some breakfast. The group joined her and afterwards they got ready to go. She rolled up her sleeping bags, filled up her backpack, and put on her heavy coats along with her hat and some gloves. It was overcast outside. The dreariness didn't dampen her spirit.
"I can't help but feel like we are stealing every time we do this," Sheriff Randall said, stuffing bottles of water into his pack.
"I would too," said Gus, "but who are we stealing from? They're all dead or checked out. Money don't mean a thing anymore."
Hannah was ready before any of them. "I'm going to head outside. Don't you worry, JT," she said, when JT opened his mouth. "I'm checking the cars. You'll be able to see me the whole time."