by Thomas Baker
"JT," She called out cheerfully. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
"Why's that?" JT grunted, throwing the last of the buildings remains into the truck. He clapped his black-gloved hands to clear off the ash and dirt.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay, silly."
"I'm still alive," JT said, trudging back over to the blast site. Someone passed him going the other way, a wheelbarrow full of debris. JT threw him a jealous glare. I need to get me one of those.
"So am I, thanks for noticing," Lindsay said as she followed him. "Shit, aren't you the Grinch this morning."
"Look around." JT waved his hands dramatically.
"Yeah but we're okay, aren't we?"
Not answering, JT looked around for where he could pitch in next. He noticed Hannah rounding the corner with Josh and their eyes locked. She shook her head, her mouth down turned and went back to work.
"My head's not in a good place right now Lindsay, maybe we can talk some other time."
"I guess so. If you want to cheer up, come over when you are done here. I have a sexy little number I wouldn't mind showing you." She grinned and then walked away. More like slinked away. JT appreciated the attempt but felt nothing. It was strange to be so empty. He was used to his head being like a swarm of bees.
He worked away until his muscles trembled and ached. His eyes stung. It was a struggle to keep them open. He was thinking of headed back to his place, open up the Pinot Noir he had found in the wreckage, and just go to sleep. Forget Hannah, forget Lindsay, forget life for now. As dusk came, the others peeled away until it was just JT and Josh.
"Hey man, I'm knocking off." JT raised a hand to Josh.
Josh shot him a salute. "Thanks for the help."
That Josh seems like a cool cat. Any jealousy he might have felt towards Josh wasn't there anymore. JT shuffled through the streets, bottle in hand, towards his house. Seems I can't give this shit upafter all. How pathetic.
He stopped, not even waiting to get home. He screwed the top off the wine and took a big swig. He let the bottle drop to the snow when it was half empty. He reached into his coat pocket.
JT stared at the Red Dawn DVD in his hands. How many more chances would he be given to realize he was on a path of self destruction?
He listed a little as he took his next step. As he righted himself he heard a noise. It was a thump from the alleyway to his right. He looked, blurry eyed. A zombie bounced off a brick wall and trundled towards him. JT was sure he recognized him as one of the townspeople. He had a moment to think not again and tried to backpedal. The street slipped beneath his shoes. The zombie slammed into him. That's all it took to dump him on his ass.
The ice slicked snow skidded him a few feet away from the zombies biting teeth. His DVD slid out of his hands. He tried to scramble away. The zombie, a full grown and athletic man in his life, scrambled after him. It grabbed JT's boot. JT kicked at it. His boot glanced off its shoulder. With a lunge the zombie man landed on JT's legs. Fear burned away his buzz. He reached out for something, anything, to help him. His hand fumbled with something slick. For a split second he turned his hand to look at it. It was the DVD he dropped. Letting out a war cry, JT jammed the case with all his might into the zombie's open mouth.
The case shattered and broken bits of black and silver poked through the zombies gums and lips. JT was sure it let out a silent roar. With only a second to act JT willed his aching legs to push up. He got the zombie turned over and kneed it in the chest. His knee sank into its chest cavity. JT felt the wetness soak into his pants and his stomach churned. Able to push up into a standing position, JT stood over the squirming zombie man. It reached out its hands up to the sky. JT brought down his boot. The sickening crunch brought a twisted smile to his face. He stomped until what was its head became an indiscernible brown and red smear.
JT stopped. He put his hands on his knees, panting. Plumes of steam rose past his eyes. That was way to close. He could see the torn cover of Red Dawn flapping in the breeze under the zombie's leg.
"Wolverines bitch," he said, breathless. "Fucking Randall." JT howled with laughter until he got a stitch in his side.
He was done getting wasted. If he thought he had a death wish, he saw now he was mistaken. The path he was on, it wouldn't help Tyrone. Tyrone, Dusty, Alan, the girl in the window. They were all beyond his help now. It sure wasn't helping to repair his relationship with Hannah. In fact, if he died it would devastate her.
Instead of heading straight home, he pushed himself to go over to Gus's place. Enough was enough. It was time for some help. He knocked on Gus's door. It was a few moments before someone answered it.
"Well, it's JT," Gus said. "Come inside, you look like a frozen turd."
"Gus."
JT stepped inside, peeled off his winter gear, and hung it up. JT thought Gus was looking the best he had since they first met. Staying here had helped him recover.
"JT, all I ever see you with anymore is a long face. Even when you have Lindsay following you around like a lost puppy. That would put a smile on most men's faces."
"Well..." JT started. "I'm here to talk-"
"Sit down, JT. I'm gonna guess you're not asking advice about what to do in the sack to make a woman scream. This is going to be serious."
JT just launched right into it.
"How do you do it, Gus?"
"TMA remember? I just got it."
"See, that's what I mean," JT was looking down at his lap, picking at the grime on his pants. "Is it possible I'm broken?"
"You mean gone off the deep end? Nuttier than a Chippendale review? Nah, I don't think so. Damn it, between you and Hannah I don't know who throws themselves on the sword more. We goof about the old man stuff even though I'm only in my fifties, I've seen more than you two put together. Been through a lot of shit. I think you just got to stick to who you are. Who you are, got it?" Gus jabbed him in the chest for effect. "The rest, what others think you should be, I laugh that nonsense off. From what I've seen it doesn't pay to be too serious. Look where acting like we're all the king dingalings got us."
JT admitted what he feared and could only get it out in a whisper. "What if I don't like who I am? I've done some fucked up things..."
Gus seemed to mull it over before answering. "If we are getting down to brass tacks, then lets. What is this really about? Killing zombies? The accident with the little girl? Harold? Albright? Hannah?"
"Yeah," said JT, speaking a little louder now. "All of it. I blame them, then I blame Hannah, then I blame myself. Because I realize it's all my fault. I was in charge. They listenedto what I told them to do. Then, for it to be over between me and Hannah, before it could even start. I don't know, listen, I sound like I'm rambling now."
"Whew son, no wonder you've picked up the bottle. This is heavy. Since you came to methough, I know there is hope for you yet. Are you a good person? Look at what you are doing to yourself. Look at what you are asking me. I think you are but I can't tell you that in a way you'll believe. Neither can Hannah nor Lindsayfor that matter. Do I think you are flawed as shit?. Aren't we all. I have seen you change even if you haven't. Some good ways and other ways not so much. You have also been pushed farther than most men will in their lives, in the span ofwhat ten months?"
"Doctor Gus," JT joked.
"Put me up there with Dr. Ruth and Dr. Phil," Gus reached over and clapped JT on the top of the shoulder. "JT, set it all down. That's as deep as I get. Honestly, I would have thought getting shot would have woke you up."
"Gus, you know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed." He gave Gus a crooked grin. "Thanks. I mean that. I feel a little better."
"Just wait until you see my bill young squire. Now get the hell outta here, before you drive me to drinkin."
Hannah was going over some proposals she would give to the townspeople tomorrow. Funny how in such a short time she went from wanting nothing to do with anybody outside her little group of four, to joining and being responsible for
a whole town. The cowardly absence of Childs had somehow elected her to be in charge. Childs wasn't gone, but holed up somewhere, and he still held meetings with Henry, whowasn't allowed to give his location until Childs decided to come out of his hiding place. Henry worked alongside both of them, trying to find ways not only to fix things but to improve them. He was a much better man than his son. That fact made her feel even more sorry for him.
She found it funny this new responsibility gave her a feeling of peace. One she had been searching for. A deep settling of acceptance had come over her, letting her work through her guilt. The past was the past, and she was now on the right path. It was a feeling that was fleeting and fragile in the days after the town was attacked. Now it was a solid foundation.
She had found real, true safety in herself. Along with personal forgiveness. She felt God already had forgiven her. She worked through her feelings about Ashley, Albright. Tyrone was the sticking point for her. Sometimes she awoke from nightmares about being pushed down stairs or from buildings. She was often the one being pushed but once in a while she would be the one doing the pushing and would awaken from those with a startled cry.
Still, here she was, maybe a week after the big attack, helping to run Beaver Creek. Several people had demanded it in the aftermath. Apparently she was considered a hero. There was even her nickname some wise ass, probably Gus, had started. Hannah the Hero. JT often joked when he saw her, "Coming up next on Disney, Hannah The Hero!"
After they elected her, she guessed you could call it that, everyone got busy with clean up. Morale was recovering as those people with losses buried their dead and the grieving began. One of her first acts was to hold a prayer vigil at the little church in town. It had been full, a turnout that surprised her. Even more surprising was that fact that JT was there to support her. Calm is how she would describe the towns mood now. Just like hers.
A knock at her door caused her to spring from her kitchen table. "JT," she said, surprised.
She had seen him around of course,after the night they had spent together at her place. After the attack, he had thrown himself full steam ahead into the cleanup. He looked good, happy, every time she saw him working. He would always give her a smile and go right back at it, not waiting to see what her reply would be. He looked sober now, standing in the doorway. He stood tall; he had even trimmed his beard and mustache. A little smile played at his lips. His hair waved in the breeze, which was now down past his collar in the back.
"You're looking better," Hannah said, and she meant it. "I've seen you around, working hard. Thanks for pitching in."
JT laughed. "I didn't come to see Hannah the councilwoman or Hannah the Hero. Can I come inside?"
She pitched her door open wide, and he came in. She couldn't help herself, she took a deep breath of him as he passed. He smelled clean. She hoped it wasn't obvious what she was doing. She knew his pride was prickly. She invited him to sit down at the kitchen table, where she had been working.
"Hannah the politician," JT teased, glancing over the scattered papers. "Nothing top secret I shouldn't look at in there?"
"JT, always joking around," Hannah said, settling in across from him.
"I haven't seen much of you lately. This running the place stuff must be keeping you busy."
"Yes, it does. Who would have thought, huh? It's not like I was in school for anything like this. My major was in Athletic Training."
"It doesn't surprise me. Not after all you've done," JT said, a cheesy smile spread across his face. "Not easy though, is it?"
Hannah felt a little warmness spread across her cheeks.
JT got serious now. "What do you do, for strength? For the pain caused of bad decisions?"
"Prayer," she answered without hesitation.
"Prayer," JT gave a little ha deep in his throat. "Guess that's healthier than what I've been doing."
There was silence for a long moment as JT studied her. She gazed back, wondering where this conversation was heading.
"I thought things might work between us. After I got shot. Except for a small one here and there, that is when I stopped drinking. I honestly think now it would get me killed. I didn't stop thinking about it all the time though. Not even then. Now, I have. I'm sorry about what I put you through."
Hannah cocked her head to the side. "You've come tofind me, now you're sober?" A smile played on her lips.
"Just like that song." Again he let out a small deep throated laugh. "I'm sure Tyrone would sing it to us, if he was here."
"I'm sure," she agreed in a small voice.
"We should talk about him. We should talk about all of them. Dusty, Ashley, Alan, Randall. I've done nothing but think once I stopped shutting down the voices in my head. That's when I decided I should stop treating them like things, like mistakes. They were people. I did the best I could and neither one of us were to blame. We should celebrate their lives, not their deaths. That gave me strength. What gives it to menow. And not wanting to waste any more time with you." JT was struggling to hold his composure now.
"Excuse me?" Hannah shot back.
"Damn that came out wrong. You know what I mean. "
She watched him squirm, trying not to enjoy it too much, then let him off the hook.
"Yes, I do. I find myself at odd times thinking about you. How we first met, the few times I felt safe after the Outbreak were mostly with you. I've been able to move on from most of what happened. It wasn't easy."
"No, it sure isn't. Working myself to exhaustion helped the first week. Made myself too tired to even want to do anything but go straight to bed. Guess I have the dickweeds who attacked us to thank for that."
Hannah rubbed her hands together and rubbed them on her pants down the top of her thighs.
"So what is it you have in mind, JT? Wait, before that, what about Lindsay?"
"Lindsay by her own admission isn't looking for anything serious from anyone. Look, she is fun, smart, pretty, but she's not you. I haven't seen her in two weeks if that tells you anything. I'll tell her no more...well you know. She might not be happy about it but I don't think there will be any drama. What about you? I've seen you hanging around with Josh a lot."
"He might want to but I've been veryclear with him, we're just friends."
JT pursed his lips, then continued. "Okay. You're other question, what do I have in mind? How about we try officially dating?"
Hannah burst out laughing. "Officially dating? As in you will pick me up in your car at six and we will go have dinner then go to the movies?"
"How about on horseback then we can go have Spam from a can by candlelight. From there we can go straight into frisky time."
They both had a good long laugh at the thought.
"JT, seriously, if we were going to try being a normal couple, I think we can skip the dating with all we've been through. I don't know though, we have both said some hurtful things to each other."
"With my big mouth, probably won't be the last time either," JT said squinting his eyes."I will try tobe more honest going forward."
Hannah sat there, pondering it. Her feelings never went away completely. She couldn't deny it.
"You know, I'm so proud you've worked through this thing, with the drinking. I will give you all the support I can, even if we end up just friends because you know, I can't fix you."
"I know that now." JT was humble in his reply.
Hannah chewed at her bottom lip. What if she did something again he hated her for? She didn't want to be vulnerable again. The fright she felt as she watched him bleeding on that hospital bed. The thought of losing him had been tremendous.
"Let me think about it?" Hannah timidly asked.
She saw a flash in his eyes that looked as if he wanted to say more. She braced herself as if a sudden storm was brewing. Instead, he calmly stood up.
"Me springing this on you, that's fair." JT swallowed hard and took a deep breath. His body shooka bit. "No matter what Hannah, I love you." Hannah could see his ch
eeks flush with the words.
He turned and walked to the door. He reached for it when she called out to him.
"JT. Wait."
She rushed over to him, put her hands over his shoulders, clasped them at the back of his neck and kissed him deep. He was tight, in shock at first, then eased.
"Nice." he said when they parted.
"That's my answer," she said, standing up on her tiptoes to reach for his lips again. There was no surprise in his reaction this time as the sparks flew and JT flashed back to their first kiss back at Harold's.
When they broke their embrace JT couldn't wipe the smile from his face as he backed onto the porch then stopped.
"So just to be clear, was that a yes or a no?" He mocked Hannah as she jumped in his arms for one long kiss goodnight before JT made his way off the porch and into the night.
It was tough to cool his jets once Hannah was kissing him but he did eventually leave. It went a lot better than he could have thought. It was like someone had rolled a boulder off of his chest. He didn't know now if he wanted to go see Gus, see Lindsay or just go home. He didn't have to decide as he ran into Gus.
"You look like you're floating inches above the ground, boy. You get lucky with Lindsay?" Gus said.
"No," JT chuckled. "It's Hannah. Gus, I got to thank you again. I had my head up my ass for too long. Hannah and I just had the best moment in months."
"No, it was stuck at the bottom of a bottle you dipshit," Gus was playfully angry. "Nice to see you looking forward instead of behind you at your ass. So when's the wedding?" Gus cackled and held his belly. JT just shook his head.
"Why do I even try," JT said, grinning broadly.
"Hell, you know I'm happy for your buddy. I'm here for you too. There is no need to go all John Wayne and keep all that shit to yourself. Next time you're feeling sorry for yourself, come my way. I'll slap some sense into you. Or the bottle outta your hand."