by Tucker Max
If you have read the book then you know I have a special relationship with UVa; I wrote a story called “The Foxfield Story” about a weekend there, I’ve had three cousins and numerous friends go to school there, and I got in for undergrad and grad school and almost went there both times. Every time I go back to Charlottesville I get mad at myself for not going there; something with the vibe of that school just seems to fit with my personality.
This trip was no different. The brothers of Phi Psi did an amazing job getting shit set up; we roll the RV up and find a huge banner out front of the house with the words “Tucker Max Book Signing Today” printed on it. There are fliers all over the house, they have a table set up on a pedestal, and a huge cooler behind it filled with ice and beer. I use the word “beer” loosely; in point of fact, it is Beast Ice. If I had gone to a fun undergrad I would wistfully remember years of drinking this when I was too poor to afford anything else, but I don’t. Not because I couldn’t afford beer, but because no one drinks much at the U of C.
Anyway, I did the signing at UVA from 2pm–7pm, and started drinking at about 1:57pm. This signing may have been my favorite; it was like a party. They had music on, people were playing beer pong and pool, and everyone was having a pretty good time. The people who came by for books were for the most part really cool, too. One girl baked me cookies, which were awesome. One girl made me this Ralph Wiggum “I Choo-Choo Choose You” card that was hilarious, and another girl gave me a quick massage because she said I looked tired. (I looked more like death than tired—she was being nice.) No wonder people love Southern girls. They know how to treat you right.
For me, there was one major highlight of the signing: these two obviously young kids came in, very shy and hesitant and flanked by an older woman. I wasn’t really paying much attention until I looked up at the kids and saw that they are obviously teenagers, so I looked at the woman with them…. It was their mom. And she was HOT.
Tucker “How old are you two?”
Kid #1 “14.”
Kid #2 “16.”
Tucker “Are you their mom?”
MILF “Yeah.”
Tucker “And you brought them here? Have you read my book?”
MILF “Oh yeah, I have seen the site too. I love it.”
Tucker “You are the coolest mom ever. I am smitten. You want a beer?”
MILF “I’d love one.”
I signed their books and we talked for awhile, but I had to move to the people behind them b/c at this point there was a line. The mom and the kids stuck around for a while talking to some of the brothers, and like five minutes later, I waved the mom back over:
Tucker “Are you married?”
MILF [shows me her huge rock] “Of course.”
Tucker “Is your husband going to read the inscription on your book?”
MILF “No.”
I took her book from her and wrote this:
“PS: I really want to fuck you. Hard. 323-***-****”
Sadly, she never called. The signing went great and we wrapped it up right at 7. At this point, there were two girls hanging out who had expressed interest in fucking me. One was kinda plump but had big tits, and the other was decent-looking with no tits. I started to debate in my mind which one I would fuck, then I realized, “Why not both?”
I go with the plump girl first, she looked like she’d be better in bed. I kinda snag her and tell her to follow me out to the RV. The frat is full of people at this point, and I am like 20 beers in the bag, so I think I am being really slick and subtle. We go out to the RV and fuck and I was right; she was good in bed.
I casually walk back into the frat…. Danny and like 10 people are standing there staring at me, laughing. One of the girls says,
Girl “So on your number scale, was she a 1 or a 2?”
[Everyone busts out laughing.]
Tucker “She had big tits!”
Danny “So that was her redeeming feature?”
[More laughter all around.]
Tucker “FUCK ALL OF YOU, I’M A CELEBRITY!”
I have to admit, it was pretty funny. I thought I was being so slick, and they totally, undeniably busted me. Phi Psi 1, Tucker 0. Dicks.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. I did not make the same mistake with the second girl. I had her go out and wait in the RV for me and then I went out there like ten minutes later, pretending that I was on the phone, and fucked her. I’m not sure why I went to these lengths with this girl; she was much better looking than the first. I guess it was that I was drunk and I hate losing, so I had to prove I could ninja fuck and get it past some drunk 21-year-olds. Mission accomplished.
After that we went to the place called Orbit. It was fine at first, but quickly turned into a fucking zoo. It’s not that it was overcrowded, even though it was packed; the level of attention in that place was oppressive. I know that part of my experience is colored by drunk exaggeration, but in my mind every single person in that place was sweating me. It was so fucking annoying; as cool as the signing and the frat had been, this place sucked that much. It was the unholy triumvirate of annoying attention:
A few guys hanging around like groupies (“You are my god, man, I just love you! Let’s do shots and get Tucker Max Drunk! Then I can cut you up and eat you and I’ll be as cool as you are!”)
A few guys trying to flex on me (“Why are all these people here for you? Who do you think you are? I mean, I know who you are, but I am only here by coincidence, I didn’t come out to meet you or anything, nope, not at all.”)
And a few girls trying to give me attitude (“I don’t care if you’re Tucker Max, I am not going to fuck you…and I felt the need to tell you this, even though you have never once initiated any contact with me… Uhh, I’m just idly curious…where is your RV?”)
I’d had enough of this shit. I love going out and drinking and meeting fans and whatnot, but this was just too much. I was tired and worn and just wanted to sleep in a nice warm bed. I was looking for a way to get out of there when my savior made her appearance; the fat girl who baked me cookies for the signing came in. I immediately grab her,
Tucker “Do you have a bed? Of your own, like in an apartment and not a dorm?”
CookieGirl “Yeah, of course. I baked you brownies, too!”
It took a lot of self-discipline, but I resisted making a “maybe fat girls shouldn’t do so much baking” joke. Besides, this girl was really nice, and I usually only mock annoying fat girls.
Tucker “You want to get out of here? This place is driving me nuts.” CookieGirl “Yeah, I’d love to!”
She and I and her roommate and Mike headed out. I think it was only midnight, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to get out of that crush of humanity and get some real sleep in a real bed. I only had to fuck a fat girl to do it…there are almost too many jokes to make here.
I just want to note that the CookieGirl was actually really nice. I almost feel bad calling her fat, but she is, so what am I supposed to call her? Healthy? That would be like if someone described my personality as “gregarious” instead of “asshole.”
This email from Danny at Phi Psi. He fills in some gaps that I had forgotten/missed:
Hey man,
I just read your recap of the UVa signing. I’m glad you had a good time, but thought I’d add a little to the story from my perspective if you want to include this as well.
I don’t know if you remember this, but at one point at Orbit, a short, stubby blond with what you described to her as “gargantuan tits” came up to you and me, and the three of us talked for a few minutes. Things quickly turned ugly when she refused to buy the two of us shots. Being you, you said something horrible to her and she then went into a tirade about not fucking you because you were some “D-list celebrity.”
Well, I just thought you’d like to know that she showed up at the house a little after closing time looking for you. She was stumbling around the halls saying shit like “I don’t just fuck anyone, but
I’m gonna fuck Tucker.” What a hypocritical whore. We kicked her out after a few minutes of that shit.
The twelve-hour binge caught up with me after that and I passed out only to wake up a few hours later to engage in a violent puking session. You are probably thinking “who the fuck cares dude?” But the fact of the matter is that I have been drinking since I was 15 and I can count on my hands the number of times I have puked. Consider your work here at UVa complete.
I also have no idea how the fuck you managed to get out of here so early the next morning. I got up around 9 feeling like you had accidentally hit me with your RV and I noticed you guys were already gone. I imagine you had to feel pretty much the same. I almost called you just to make sure your RV wasn’t a flaming wreck on the side of the highway. Seriously, from what I understand, you can’t even drive that thing sober and you had to still be tanked when you guys took off.
And one more thing: the heffer that we called you out on. I don’t know if you forgot about this or not, but that’s the same girl that wrote you that “Choo-Choo” card and that was another of the redeeming features you cited in raising her from a 1-star to a 2-star. I guess we were all just unaware that the criteria for upping a girl’s status went beyond the physical to corny forms of humor. Whatever.
That’s all I got. I had a blast. Feel free to come party with us anytime and good luck with the rest of the tour.
Friday, February 10th: College Park, Maryland
This might turn out to be my favorite update to write. Let’s see: the signing went smoothly. My favorite part was this one girl who, over the course of two hours, came by three times. The last time she started giggling and handed me a note, then ran off. It said:
“This is the third time I have been by to see you. Maybe we should ‘get together’ later. ***-***-****, [name]”
I would have called her, but I lost the note.
After the signing, we drove from College Park to Rosslyn, where SlingBlade lives, to shower and whatnot. I was supposed to go to an after party at Cornerstone in College Park from 7–9, but as soon as I sat on SlingBlade’s couch, ten days of excessive drinking and lack of sleep caught up and I passed out. Besides, after the debacles of the past few days, I was none too eager to be surrounded by socially awkward dudes who just want to “hang out and talk.”
Me, SlingBlade, and KungFu Mike finally roll into the bar around 9:30 and take some bar stools at the end of the bar. It takes about 15 minutes before the first people find us, but thankfully they are girls, so it was fine…or so I thought. This girl who looked no older than 16 comes up to me and says,
Girl “Are you Tucker Max?”
[I see her braces and start to feel dirty. I can’t even make a joke at this point.]
Tucker “Uh, yeah.”
[Awkward silence ensues. No question this girl is in high school.]
Girl “So…where are you from?”
SlingBlade [gives me a look that can be described as “these are your fans, you disgusting pedophile.”]
Tucker “Kentucky.”
Girl “Like the Derby?”
SlingBlade “We’ve got a winner here. This one still hasn’t even learned how to have an adult conversation. Maybe you should ask her who her favorite Laguna Beach character is, that’s more her speed.”
She ran off after that, thank God. A few more girls came up, most of them just saying “Hi” and then leaving, until these two who were at the signing stopped by: “Elise,” who has been emailing me for the past month asking if we can hook up, and her friend. This is the first email she sent me:
I found your website through a friend and began reading late last night. Once I started I couldn’t stop, and I read on for 2 hours before my eyes couldn’t take staring at my computer screen any longer. As soon as I woke up this morning I picked up where I left off, and I have been reading all day. In short, you are a skeezy asshole with whom no self-respecting woman would ever associate, but for some reason I am so very attracted to you. If you decide to come to College Park, I’m down for meeting up. If you decide you don’t want to fuck me, there are 15,000 other girls to choose from!
Anyway, Elise has a great body and is a nice girl, but…how do I say this, she was very…pliable; I guess is the right word. Perhaps “eager to please” is better. Of course, after that email I don’t know what else I should expect. Maybe some self-respect, but if she had that, she wouldn’t be throwing herself at me in the first place.
Once I established the ground rules with Elise—that we were going to fuck and that I was going to spend the night in her warm, comfortable bed—I got bored with her and talked to other people. But SlingBlade had some fun messing with her.
SlingBlade “Call one of your whore friends and bring her out. I would like something soft and warm for my penis, please.”
Elise “Why don’t you just tell girls you are SlingBlade, they will want to fuck you then.”
SlingBlade “What are you talking about? Is this your perception of reality, that I am famous enough that all these girls know who I am?”
Elise “Yeah, sure, I guess.”
SlingBlade “You’re an idiot.”
Elise “Well just go up and dance with a girl, and then she’ll sleep with you.”
SlingBlade “What? What are you describing, your average night?”
Elise “Yeah, pretty much.”
SlingBlade “And here I was, wondering what Tucker saw in you.”
Elise went to do something, so SlingBlade engaged Elise’s friend.
SlingBlade “Does she hook up a lot?”
Friend “Yes, she fucked 17 guys last semester. I know all of them, I’ve talked to them, they all say she’s awful in bed. Apparently she just lays there like a corpse.”
SlingBlade “How many did you sleep with last semester?”
Friend “Three… BUT I WAS DATING THEM!”
Elise and I eventually leave together and go back to her place. By “place,” I mean “dorm room.” Yes, I know how fucking sad that is. Normally I would have taken her back to my luxurious RV for sex, but after ten days on the road, I am desperate for a soft, warm bed and some sense of normalcy. Why I think I can find this by fucking 19-year-old state school cum dumpsters in their college dorm rooms, I don’t know. Alcohol has destroyed my reasoning abilities.
We get back to her dorm (I didn’t have to sign into this one, thank God) and then to her room and start fucking. I finish quickly; I just want to go to sleep at this point, which I do right after I come.
I am not sure what time it is when she wakes me up, but it’s not the morning, so I am pissed. She turns the light on, starts moving around, and weeks of frustration with this tour come out on her. I just let loose with a string of profanities and obscenities, telling her to turn off the light and shut the fuck up so I can sleep. Then she starts crying.
Great. I’ve had enough of this. Of these stupid girls who keep coming out to fuck me, of not sleeping in a bed, of this tour, of everything. I just put on my clothes and leave. As I go out the door, she screams, still in tears, “I had a great time!”
I go to the elevator and press the button. Down the hall there are several people playing grab-ass or something, I wasn’t really paying attention, when all of a sudden someone yells, “Is that Tucker Max?”
I have never been happier to see an elevator door open. I don’t even know how I found my way home; I got on some bus and then the Metro and between bouts of passing out and asking people for help, I somehow got to the right place. Seriously, is this really my life? You couldn’t write fiction like this, no one would believe it. Sadly, this is not the end. I present to you, the email aftermath:
1. From Elise, the next day:
First off, i am still pretty drunk, so im sorry if i am incoherent at any point in this email.
i just wanted to apologize for tonight, i know under any circumstance the excuse “i was really drunk” is not appropriate, but tonight i was REALLY drunk, and i definately said some things
that i shouldnt have. other than that, i really dont remember much of the ngiht, but im curious to see your account on your website (and as i already see, you are pretty angry with me). sooooo, again, sorry, and peace out.
2. From some random dude who heard about the story before I posted it:
My friends and I are eagerly waiting around, refreshing your book tour page for the update in College Park. I had the opportunity to fuck [Elise], and can describe it as nothing more than one of the worst lays I’ve ever had. We are cracking up about this as we speak and look forward to what is bound to be one the most hilarious updates I’ve read on your book tour.
3. From a random girl who did the same:
Hey Tucker! Im a huge fan and was visiting the University of Maryland last night. I was unable to make it to the signing or the party, and was extremely pissed off bc i didnt get to see you. ARound 2 or 3am…(not sure exactly when, the hours are sort of a blur to me now) I am walking in a hall of the freshman dorms and am suprised to see the message board of a girls dorm. “Im fucking Tucker Max.” First of all, i started flipping out because i figured you might still be in there and i wanted to join in haha. so i start banging on this girls door and finally this three year old looking pale skinny girl comes to the door and is like who are you. I basically tell her that im in love with you and ask her if you had been there. She proceeds to tell me that you had just been there and left, but that you probably hate her. I ask her to tell me the story and am quite amused at what she has to say. She tells me that sure enough, you had been fucking her, and that it was all good for awhile. Then she tells me that she started crying because you puller her hair too hard. I tried to stifle my laughter, and felt sorry for the girl for a second, as she looked on the verge of tears again. I ask her if she knows where you have gone, and she dropped SlingBlades name but obviously i had no idea where the hell his place was. Basically, i thought this was really funny bc i read your update on how you are never fucking a college freshman again and i cracked up thinking about how she kicked you out for “pulling her hair to hard” haha cant wait for a further update…just thought you might wanna hear her side of the story haha …I really want to come to a signing, but there are no more around here as i live in the Baltimore area. I see that you might go to UDel, but not until fall and i dont wanna wait that long haha. What are your summer plans…will you be doing any touring then?? Wrtie back if you get time, if not, keep degrading womean and being the biggest fucking pimp around, you’re my hero. haha <3 always