Awkward didn’t begin to cover it.
They all gave me guilty looks, and I had to wonder what the fuck that was about.
Soon, they left as if they suddenly had somewhere else to be, and I was left alone with Erin. The girl who had dumped me. And hadn’t shown up until now.
Well, at least she had shown up.
The fact that I was still a bit full of sour grapes wasn’t helping. I blamed it on the meds. I was just so fucking angry. Mad at myself. Upset at her. Pissed off at the damn car. No one had gotten in trouble. After all, I hadn’t been too hurt. Spleen or no spleen. I would be fine. But I’d have to work behind a damn desk or something at work, which just angered me more.
I had worked for years to get the route that I wanted, and now I was going to lose it. And there was no promise that I would get it back once I could walk normally again. If I could walk without a limp at all. Jesus Christ, I had gotten hit by a car.
I looked at Erin, and I felt like I got hit all over again.
“I didn’t mean for everybody to go,” she whispered.
She had dark circles under her eyes, and her hair had been brushed back from her face in a messy bun behind her head. She had on her work uniform, but it looked like she hadn’t slept at all.
Well, that made two of us. The only time I’d really slept was when I had been out of it and under anesthesia, and then on pain meds. None of that meant I’d rested. Not really.
“Well, apparently, they thought we needed some privacy,” I growled out.
Yeah, now I was the asshole, but she had pushed me away. She had let me go. Why was she here?
“I came in yesterday with Zoey. But then they let Dimitri back, and I didn’t come back today until I had some things handled. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Tears slid down her cheeks, and I wanted to forgive her. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me and then I’d do the same with her. But I couldn’t. She had pushed me away. Would she do it again?
She had said that she didn’t want anything serious. Well, getting hit by a car was serious. Maybe this was just too much for her. Because it was certainly too damn much for me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“That I got hurt?”
“Well, yes.” She looked at her hands and moved forward. She stood right at the end of the bed. Still not touching me. But it was better. I honestly didn’t know what I’d do if she touched me anyway. “I’m also sorry that I’m a horrible person. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I just looked at her. What did she want? Why was she here?
She wasn’t professing her feelings to me. Only saying that she was sorry I’d gotten hurt.
Well, I was hurt. I was in a fucking hospital bed. And I couldn’t even get up right then. They had pulled the catheter out of my dick at least, so that was something. But, Jesus Christ. I did not want to deal with this. I did not want to deal with anything. Everything that I had been working toward my entire life up until this moment was slipping through my fingers. And she was just standing there.
Literal evidence of what I couldn’t have.
“Yeah, well, you did,” I said, my voice harsher than I intended.
Her eyes widened, and she took a step back.
I didn’t want to hurt her. But then again, it seemed this was what we were good at.
“You should go, Erin. Just go.”
She opened her mouth to say something, but then she just shook her head and turned on her heel.
She left. She didn’t want to stay. Didn’t want to fight. Well, I didn’t either.
I felt like shit. Hey…like I had gotten hit by a car.
Served me right.
Maybe I was the asshole here. Didn’t matter, though.
I was going to lose the part of my job I loved, I had lost my damn spleen, and I’d lost the one person I thought I could love.
Seemed about right.
Just as I deserved.
Chapter 19
Erin
“This frosting is amazing,” Jenn said as she dipped her finger into the bowl.
“I know. I made it.” I smiled widely, but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. I also knew that Jenn knew.
I was fine. Seriously. It had been…what? Two weeks since I had walked out of Devin’s hospital room. See? I was fine. I hadn’t broken down or melted into a puddle. I hadn’t been struck by lightning.
I was still standing. Apparently, making kick-ass frosting.
The fact that my sister was sitting in the customer area of my little shop eating frosting out of a bowl I’d prepared especially for her meant that I was fine. No, my sister totally wasn’t there trying to make sure I was okay. She wasn’t checking up on me. Because there was no need to do that.
I wasn’t a broken shell of the person I once was. Because I hadn’t loved him, right?
I had pushed him away because I hadn’t wanted to fall in love. I wasn’t hurting right now. I couldn’t be. Because if I were, that meant I had loved him.
I broke the wooden spoon against my counter and looked down at my hands.
“You okay over there?” Jenn asked, then she moaned. “Oh my God, is this actual vanilla bean?”
“I’m fine.” I quickly cleaned up my mess, cursing myself. The spoon had been old and brittle anyway. Anyone could have broken it. Not just me. I was fine.
Maybe I should tattoo that right on my forehead. Or my ass. Because that’s what I was. A big, fat ass.
“Do you need some time alone with your frosting? I mean, I can go walk into the back, and you can do whatever you need to.”
“That’s gross. But…maybe. Me alone with my frosting. Come here, big boy.” She stuck her finger into her mouth and moaned.
“You’re being gross,” I said, laughing. It wasn’t a real laugh, but it was warmer than my others. See? Progress. I couldn’t wallow, I only had myself to blame.
“What?” she said, licking her finger.
“I gave you a spoon. If somebody walks in while you’re doing that, I’ll somehow end up in trouble with the health department or something.
“You can’t. I’m in a place where people taste cakes. It’s where I’m allowed to eat cake right off my fingers. Dear God, cake. And this is just the frosting.”
“You really do have a love affair with frosting, don’t you?”
“You’re going to put this inside the cupcakes you’re making me for my baby girls, right? Oh, yes, this inside the strawberry cupcakes with extra cream cheese frosting on top, mmm. I need some time alone.”
“Yeah, maybe you do. And maybe I shouldn’t be feeding that to your little girls if you’re going to go off and orgasm over a bowl of frosting.”
Of course, fate would let the door open at that moment, the little bell tinkling. I groaned.
Thankfully, it was just Zoey.
“Well, hey there, who’s orgasming over frosting now?” she said, skipping in.
“Hey there, Zoey. It’s me. And I would let you have some, but this frosting is mine. All mine. Mine, mine, mine,” she sang as she ate more frosting. I just shook my head.
“You’re going to get diabetes.”
“No, I won’t. You gave me such a minuscule amount of frosting. I’m just going to take my time with it. Softly. Slowly. Achingly eating it bite by bite.”
I met Zoey’s gaze, and she just widened her eyes. “How long has she been alone with the frosting?” Zoey asked, keeping her voice casual.
“Not long enough,” Jenn said, moaning.
I just laughed, shaking my head. “I think she’s finally lost her mind.”
“Maybe. But it’s fine. Because all I need is this bowl of frosting.”
“How many times do you think she’s going to use that word today?” I asked, moving out of the way so Zoey could come back with her box of goodies for the wedding prep.
“Well, you do technically live in this bakery these days. So, probably a lot.”
“I don’t live here,” I said, holding back my win
ce. Well, I sort of did. I’d worked more hours than I ever had before, not doing very good at the whole balance thing. What was the point?
Not only was I dealing with the fact that I would probably die alone, Nicholas had sent me a wedding invitation.
“So, did you answer yet?” Zoey asked. It was like she knew what I had been thinking about.
“No, I threw it away. I was going to circle no and say, ‘fuck you,’ on it, but I didn’t want to come off as the bitter ex-wife.”
“Still can’t believe that bastard invited you.” Jenn just shook her head, coming over with the bowl. The one that was practically licked clean. No, there was nothing practical about it. My older sister, the one with grace and poise, the epitome of pure motherhood, had licked the damned bowl clean.
“I can’t believe he did either.”
“And you know what sucks? He didn’t invite me.”
I looked at Zoey and then looked over at Jenn.
“You’re upset that my ex-husband, my cheating ex-husband didn’t invite you to the wedding?”
“I was his sister-in-law for how many years? And he didn’t invite me. But he invited you.”
“I really don’t know what I’m supposed to be thinking right now,” I said, shaking my head.
“I’m thinking you should give me some more frosting,” Jenn said, shaking her hips.
“Not even a little bit. You had enough sugar. Soon, you’ll be bouncing around this place, and then you’ll crash.”
“Probably. But it’s so much fun. I like pretending I don’t have any worries and can just eat frosting. I’ll probably be nauseated later.”
“No, you won’t. My frosting does not make you nauseous.”
Jenn winced. “Well, maybe with the amount that I just ate.”
“True, because no one in their right mind eats that much frosting,” Zoey said, ducking out of the way of Jenn’s fist.
“I can’t believe you were going to punch me.” Zoey scrunched her nose.
“I was just going to do a love tap.” Jenn shrugged and then went over to wash her hands.
“Anyway, Zoey, thank you for showing up to help with the last parts of the wedding. It’s a big one tomorrow, and I want to get the final things ready. I need to actually be onsite for it because they want me to do the final cutting and everything after they get the photos done.”
“Oh, I know it’s a big wedding. I’ll be there too, dealing with the flowers. And they even had Amelia there doing the landscaping because they wanted a pond with koi fish in it.”
“Koi fish?” Jenn asked, coming in after she’d washed her hands. “They want fish at their wedding? And not just as an option for dinner?”
“I didn’t ask. But there’s probably a salmon dish.”
“Well, that’s just weird. It would be like having a steak option and having a cow next door.” I just shook my head and laughed at my sister. I had been laughing more today than I had in a while.
But that was why Jenn was here.
Because she hadn’t wanted me to be alone. After all, she had heard exactly what had happened with our dad. And after I had held her back from wanting to go and beat his ass, we had both decided that we weren’t going to do anything about it. My dad, or Frank Rose as the bastard would now be called, hadn’t even bothered to try and contact me. He hadn’t reached out to my mother. Jenn had done the honorable thing and contacted our mom to see if Frank had called her. Nope, nothing.
He hadn’t even bothered to confirm who I was or see why I had been there. But it was fine, everything was going to be just fine.
He had his perfect new life, and if our half-brother—something I didn’t even want to think about, if that was really what he was to us—ever wanted to meet us, then we’d deal with it.
But neither of us, me or Jenn, were ready for that. Maybe one day. But for now? I had made the wrong decision by wanting to figure out exactly why our father had left us.
We hadn’t been enough. Just like I hadn’t been enough for Nicholas.
Maybe I would have been enough for Devin. If I hadn’t run away when things got hard.
And that was enough of that.
“Devin’s on crutches now,” Zoey said and then froze in the process of putting flowers on the cake. Jenn cursed under her breath, and I just looked between them.
“Oh?”
“Thought you’d like to have an update. He’s doing pretty good in the boot. The surgery went well enough that he practically has no pain. He healed up really quick. The bruises are gone, too. Well, he does have that thorn in his paw, but other than that, he’s doing great.”
“Thorn?”
“He’s been a Grumpy Gus. Pretty much an asshole. But I don’t know if that’s because he’s behind a desk now, the fact that he got hit by a car and therefore can’t drive because he broke his leg, or because he misses you.”
“I’m thinking it’s a mix of all three. But probably mostly the latter,” Jenn said, and I wanted to throttle them both.
“He told me to leave.” I looked between them and rolled my shoulders back. “He said to leave, and I did. He hasn’t contacted me since. Yes, I pushed him away first. So, I deserve this. It’s over. I just need to get used to the fact that Devin is in all of our lives, at least on the periphery. I mean, I hadn’t seen him for years before this, so it should be fine. I’ve worked with you and Amelia for years without knowing that Devin was close. So, I’ll just work like I did before. Like it’s not a big deal.”
“That’s not the best way to work on things sometimes, though, you know?” Jenn said softly.
“Well, it has to be the best for me. Because I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. I don’t want to feel this hollowness inside me anymore. I just want to do what I do best, and that’s making cakes. Because that’s what I’m good at.”
Nothing else.
But I didn’t say that.
I could have my own pity party in my head. They didn’t need to hear it aloud. They had already heard enough. And yet they stood by my side, even when I was an idiot. So, I was going to try and be better for them.
Even if that meant that I never got to see Devin again.
Even if it broke me more each time I thought about it.
Chapter 20
Devin
“I’m surprised you didn’t shave for the wedding,” Amelia said, coming up to my side. She patted my arm, careful not to touch me too much. They’d all been like that. Every single person in my family and all of my close friends. It was as if they were afraid I would break if they touched me. Well, considering that my body had hurt far too much before this, they were probably right.
I still ached something fierce. My incisions were pretty much healed at this point, at least as much as they were going to be until enough time had passed. I didn’t have to use a walker anymore, and thank God for that. Having to watch my brothers figure out how to cut into tennis balls so they could put them on the bottom of the walker had been hilarious. But something I never wanted to witness again. Considering that we didn’t have parents anymore, our next stage of seeing the elderly and doing things like that would be with each other. I really did not want to think about the progression of things like that. But the fact that they had all been there for me, no matter what, was pretty great. Caleb had slept on my couch, even though I had a guest room.
He had joked that he didn’t want to bother me and had wanted to hang it over my head from now on that, yes, I had forced him to sleep on the couch.
My brother was an asshole. But he was pretty great.
He had moved out a couple of days ago, going back to his own place since it was new and all. But everybody did their best to stop by more often than usual.
Even Dimitri had shown up about every other day with Thea in tow.
Thea’s family had even shown up at one point for a Montgomery dinner at my place.
The number of people that we crammed into my house was a little ridiculous, but they’d all wanted to
make sure that I was okay. Then we’d all shared war stories about the times everybody had been in hospitals. Considering that there had been an actual gas explosion at one point, a mugging, and something else to do with a car, there were a lot of hospital visits.
I counted myself lucky. Yes, I had lost my spleen, but I hadn’t lost my life. That had to count for something, right? Either way, my friends, family, and Thea’s family all made sure that I was never alone.
Which, admittedly, kind of pissed me off. How was I supposed to brood and get all growly if I wasn’t alone?
“Um, Devin? I asked why you haven’t shaved. What’s up, big brother?” I glared at my little sister, who wasn’t even looking at me. She was probably looking for Tobey. They had come together, but Tobey had gone off to get her something to drink, and I hadn’t seen him since. I was fine. I was just tired of people. The fact that I was at a wedding for a friend probably wasn’t the best place for me. But I was here. In a suit. And a boot. On crutches. And, apparently, I had a beard that was annoying my sister.
“I didn’t feel like shaving. I like the beard.”
“Oh, I know you do. You even put a little oil in it so you look all nice and hipstery.”
“First, hipstery isn’t a word. Second, I was hipster before it was cool to be hipster.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s like the hipster saying.”
I almost flipped her off, but that would have required me to let go of my crutch, and I wasn’t in the mood to actually lean on my armpits again. Whoever invented crutches was a sadist. Dear God, I hated these things. I couldn’t wait until I could actually put weight on my foot and leg again. The doctor said it would happen eventually, and at least I wasn’t relegated to bed rest or some shit. Apparently, getting hit by a car ruined lives.
My life, anyway.
“So, when do you start back at work?” Amelia asked.
“Why’d you have to ask that?” Caleb asked, handing me a soda. I really wanted a beer. But because I might be on pain meds later, nobody would let me have one.
This is why I hate life.
Breathless With Her: A Less Than Novel Page 18