by Lori Wick
"Concerning your wife?"
Paul nodded.
"Can you call and talk to her?"
"I don't want to do that until I've calmed down."
"What exactly has you so upset?"
"With all due respect, sir, knowing how you believe, I don't think you want to hear what has upset me."
Allen actually smiled. "If it's what I think it is, you're very wrong."
Paul was completely flummoxed by such a reply, but he still answered. "Her grandmother has become a Christian." Paul said the word with difficulty. "And now my wife is asking a lot of questions herself, and I'm the last to find out that she has been asking questions for a long time." Anger had come into Paul's voice, and he momentarily forgot to whom he was speaking. "Is that what youthoughtit would be, General Post?"
To his surprise, Allen ignored the sarcasm. "Yes, it is, Paul. Shall I tell you why?"
Paul only stared at him.
Allen leaned a little way over the desk. "I've never met anyone so fascinated and yet still fighting it at the same time. I don't know what your experience was in San Francisco, but something has you scared. It would seem that it's the thought that your wife might need more than you can give her. I remember when I felt
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the same way. My wife came to Christ before I did, and it was almost the end of our marriage."
"What did you do?" Paul, feeling desperate, asked without thought.
"The first thing I did was decide I didn't want a divorce. So I stopped being angry and listened to what she had to say, and do you know what? She was right. When she explained, I realized I couldn't give her all the things God did-the peace that I would be there for her forever. I'm just a man, and an Army officer at that. I couldn't promise to be there for her the next day. Neither could I give her the peace of knowing that she wasn't going to hell for eternity.
"I finally stopped fighting and listened to her, and in time I wanted that same peace. You have to do what I did, Bishop. Ask yourself if you love your wife. If the answer is yes, you can't hold her back. You can't make her feel guilty for wanting things you can't provide, no matter how much your pride says otherwise."
Paul couldn't have spoken if he had tried. He was so sick with worry that he wanted to board a plane for California that instant, but Allen was right. What would he say to Marrell? "I'm here now, you don't need God?" According to her letter, that wouldn't work.
And is Shay really so bad?Paul suddenly asked himself. Paul realized she didn't act weird or preach at them. Indeed, she was the best friend Marrell had ever had, bending over backward time and again to help out and show she cared.
"I have a Bible study with two men on Monday night, Paul. I can't help but think you should be there. All we do is discuss what the Bible says about questions the men have. You're welcome to come and bring your own questions. There isn't a one that God's Word can't handle."
Paul felt almost desperate inside to do just that, but he only quietly thanked the other man and waited to be dismissed. General Allen Post did dismiss him just moments later, but not before telling him they met at seven o'clock.
San Francisco
It was late on Saturday afternoon when Shay came to see Marrell. Marrell had spent part of the day at the Laundromat. One of the things she missed most about the house at the base was
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room for her washer and dryer. She was still ironing and putting things away when Shay arrived.
"How are you?" Shay asked as she always did, not letting on that Marrell had constantly been in her thoughts.
Shay had begun to see someone from the church. His name was Oliver Lacy. They had gone out with some other people the night before. Shay had had a good time, but even Oliver had seen her distraction. Near the end of the evening, she had admitted to him that her friend had been on her mind. Then that morning she had to put some time in at the office. Work was demanding more of her lately, to the point that Shay was thinking about selling and going to work for someone else. Being the owner was getting more time-consuming with every year. She'd come to Marrell as soon as she was able.
"I'm all right," Marrell said softly. "I miss Paul. Some days are worse than others, and since we returned from my grandma's, it's worse than ever."
Marrell turned her back on Shay to stack her laundry baskets and hide her lying face. She hadn't planned to lie, but it was out almost before she could stop it. And she had no idea why.
"I've been thinking about you a lot," Shay told her, not having caught the deception. "I've wanted to come by for two days and couldn't get away until now. I came right from the office."
Marrell turned, sat on the sofa, and stared at her. "Why did you want to come?"
"I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about you."
"Did you think it would be hard for me when I got home?"
"I wasn't sure, but it makes sense." Shay studied her friend. She thought Marrell appeared strained and upset. "Is there something else, Marrell?"
The story came out then. Not all at once and not even in order, but bits and pieces emerged until Shay thought she had a fairly good idea of what her friend was going through.
"I feel so terrible, Shay." Marrell went on. "Like I plotted against my husband. I refused to talk about it before he left, and now that I've written to him, he hasn't replied. I did the same thing with my grandmother. She tried to talk to me, and I just put her off." Tears came to her eyes. "I don't know when my heart has been such a mess. I want to get close to God, but I don't want to sacrifice my marriage. I just don't see how Paul
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could live with that. He would never understand. And now he's so far away. I can't even talk to him."
Marrell talked as if Shay should know exactly what she spoke of, but in truth, it was becoming more unclear all the time.
"I want to be sure I understand, Marrell," Shay broke in. "Why do you feel as though you've betrayed Paul?"
"Because until the letter, I never told him that I've been feeling empty for a long time. And then hearing my grandmother say how she couldn't tell me because she feared the way I would react. . . well, I realized I was just like her. I haven't been able to tell Paul. So then I do it in a letter, and it just feels so cheap. I'm such a coward. I don't want him upset with me, so I wait until he's an ocean away to tell him he can't give me what I need."
Marrell's own words were too much for her. She broke down and cried. Shay joined her on the sofa, and the girls chose that moment to come in. They sat across from the women on the chairs in the living room and just listened and watched with wide eyes.
Shay rubbed Marrell's back and hugged her from the side. She asked one of the girls to run for some tissue and then waited while Marrell got herself together. When her friend's red-rimmed eyes turned to her, Shay smiled gently.
"I have to say some things to you, Marrell, things that might hurt. Do you understand?"
"I think so. I can't think what would hurt more than this."
"Do you want the girls to stay?"
Marrell looked across at them. "They can stay."
"Paul loves you," Shay began when Marrell looked back. "I know he does, but he prides himself on being able to take care of you. I think that's some of the reason you've been afraid to tell him you're feeling empty inside. It would be a blow to his ego."
Marrell nodded her head, telling Shay they were on the same page.
"I can't sit here and tell you that there is no cost to following Christ, Marrell. And thatiswhat we're talking about, isn't it?"
"Yes. My grandmother told me she was praying that I would be brave enough to search for answers, and that's what I'm trying to do. I've got to find out why nothing ever satisfies me. I've got to find out why I feel so empty inside."
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Shay squeezed Marrell's hand. "I can tell you everything I know, Marrell, but I can't make any promises about the way Paul will feel. I would never tell you to forget him and live your own life, but God has asked hard
things of His children."
Marrell suddenly knew why Shay asked if she wanted the girls to stay. Marrell was careful not to look at them. Would God really ask her to give up Paul for Him? Could she do it? Would Paul really leave her if she wanted Christ in her life?
Oh, please, no,her heart cried, but at the same time she knew she must search on. How many more years was she going to wonder if there was more? So many things Shay believed sounded odd and unreasonable to her, but did she really know all the facts? There were so many things she wanted to ask her friend, but she looked up and saw her daughters still watching her. To send them out would only scare them and bring questions she might not be able to answer. Another avenue was needed.
"The girls and I would like to go to church with you in the morning, Shay."
"All right."
Marrell watched her daughters' mouths open in protest, but she put a hand up. "I need this right now, and you will not give me any trouble." Marrell used a tone they would never have argued with.
Shay was so proud of her, she could have cheered. She forced her voice to be calm as she asked, "Just church, or Sunday school too?"
"Both," Marrell answered on a deep breath. "I think both. I'm not going to learn if I'm not there."
Marrell looked into her friend's eyes, and Shay smiled. Was there any way to tell her what this meant? Was there any way to express how many years her heart had yearned and prayed for an opportunity?
"What time should we be ready?"
"Sunday school starts at 9:30, so I'll be here at 9:10."
"What should we wear?"
"Anything. Be as dressy or as casual as you like. If you're uncertain about it, call me. I'll wear pants or whatever you decide."
"Thank you, Shay."
"You're welcome. Are you going to be all right this afternoon?"
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Marrell glanced at her girls. "Yes. I can see that Micki and D.J. and I need to talk, but I'll be fine. And we'll see you in the morning."
"Okay."
Shay gave her a quick hug and went to hug the girls as well. They loved Shay and accepted her embrace, but just as soon as the door shut, they approached their mother.
"I don't understand what's happening," Delancey didn't hesitate to say. Marrell had just hugged her, and now she felt as though she needed to cry.
"Mom?" Mackenzie asked, her voice filled with dread. "Is something wrong with you and Dad that you're not telling us about?"
"No," Marrell could honestly tell her, but she also knew it was time to explain. Mapping out her fears and feelings from the last several years, she knew that the girls' world was too calm and settled to know the unrest she had experienced.
"And you think you'll find help at Shay's church?"
"I don't know, Micki, but I'm going to start there. I don't even have a Bible, but I know Shay reads hers all the time. Her life is so peaceful even when things at the office are hectic. She's able to remain calm. I want that."
A look passed over Mackenzie's face that Marrell had to question.
"Are you angry, Micki? Are you hurt?"
"A little," she admitted. "I just think that Dad's feelings are going to be hurt. I mean, isn't he enough? Aren't D.J. and I enough?"
Marrell wrapped her arms around her oldest daughter and just held on. How to explain? How to make her see? Marrell didn't have a clue. She swallowed hard to keep from sobbing.
"I don't know what else to say to you, Mic, except that, no, you're not enough."
Tears filled Mackenzie's eyes, and Marrell took her face between her hands.
"Listen to me, Mackenzie Rose Bishop. This is not about you. No mother in all the earth has girls more precious than mine, but it's not about you. It's about me.Ihave something missing inside. I have a place that needs to be filled. You are wonderful, and so is D.J. I wouldn't trade you for anything."
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Mackenzie nodded and laid her head on her mother's shoulder, much as she had done as a small girl. Marrell slipped an arm around her and another around Delancey. The three sat together like that for some time. Delancey was the one to break the silence. "Do Micki and I really have to go with you?" "Yes, honey. I don't want you to stay alone for that long." Her small chest lifted with a large sigh. "It's going to be so boring."
Marrell opted against commenting, but she didn't think anything could be further from the truth.
There were no crashes of thunder or sparkling new revelations for Marrell on Sunday morning. She met a lot of kind people and listened attentively to everything going on around her. She watched Shay like a hawk but saw nothing new. Shay was still Shay-warm and smiling and listening as intently as she was.
Was there ever an end to what you could learn?Marrell wondered. Shay nearly hung off her chair, and she had been at this for several years. Marrell realized she was viewing this as one would college: Attend for three or four years, take your exams, and have your Christian diploma handed to you.
Even as Shay dropped her and the girls back at the apartment, Marrell knew it wouldn't be that easy. Shay was going to pick them up for church that evening and again for Wednesday night. She knew the girls were not thrilled, but Marrell was too busy with her own thoughts to give them much attention. She would go to church with Shay tonight and again Wednesday; of that much she was certain. What she would say to Paul, however, was still a complete mystery in her mind.
Heidelberg
"Don't make it more complicated than it is," Allen Post said to one of the men in the group. Paul hadn't asked the question, but he hung on every word.
"Salvation and a life lived for Christ are very basic-not easy, mind you-but uncomplicated."
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The other man nodded and listened as Allen read a fewverses from the book of James. Paul hadn't taken in everything.His mind kept darting off-but what he had heard madesense than he had expected. He was thankful that his CO not pressed a bunch of questions on him. Indeed, afterintroducing Paul to the one man he didn't know, Allen had left to listen in peace.
"Well, it's late, gentlemen. I think I'll close in prayer, and can think on this and jot down any more questions you n have for next week."
"I can't make it next week, but I'll be here the week after."
"All right. How about you, Vince?"
"Next week is fine."
"Paul?"
"I'll be here."
"Okay, let's pray."
Paul bowed his head but didn't hear a thing. He wasmentally figuring what time it was in California. Very early in morning if his head was working right. It didn't matter. Itwastime to call his wife.
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Eight
Assoundly as Marrell slept-she'd been in bedonly an hour-the phone ringing right next toher ear brought her instantly awake. She picked it up after only one ring, her heart beating a little too fast.
"Hello."
"I'm sorry it's so late." Paul's soft voice came from across the miles.
"It's all right," Marrell said, and she meant it. "I've been hoping you would call. It didn't matter when."
"I tried you for hours yesterday and then fell asleep."
"I'm sorry," she replied, sounding crushed. "We were out all day and into the evening."
"I shouldn't have taken so long to call in the first place."
Marrell swallowed, reached for the light, and pushed herself up against the headboard. It was just after midnight.
"Why did it take so long, Paul?"
"I was upset."
It was the worst thing Marrell could have heard, and she had no idea how to reply.
"I didn't call to tell you that though," he went on softly. "I called to apologize because I haven't been honest with you."
Marrell's heart plunged. Those were the words a woman thought she would hear when her husband had been unfaithful. Marrell was so emotionally distraught that her imagination was lying to her.
"I was angry about your letter," Paul continued at last, "but then I stopped lying to myself an
d admitted that I've been searching too."
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"Have you, Paul? Have you really?" Marrell felt as though she'd run ten miles.
"Yes. I went to a Bible study at my CO's."
"What did you think?"
"It makes more sense than I thought it would."
Marrell's breath left her in a rush, but she managed to say, "Paul, the girls and I went to church with Shay on Sunday."
"Did you, Mary?" He was as breathless as he sounded. "You went to church?"
"Yes," Marrell said on a sob, and Paul couldn't hold his own tears. Neither one could speak for some moments.
"I was just sick when you didn't call." Marrell pushed the words out. "I thought I had lost you."
"I'm sorry; I'm sorry. I should have called. I was upset, but I should have talked to you."
Marrell was overcome again. Tears poured down Paul's own face, but Marrell was aware only of her own.
"I'm already late for work," she finally heard him say.
"Oh, Paul, no!" she wailed softly. "We have to talk."
"We will. I promise you. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Do you hear me, babe? I love you."
"Yes," she answered, wishing desperately that they could be together.
"I'll call as soon as I'm off. Just be home all morning and I'll get through. Promise?"
"Yes. I'll be here. I love you."
"Oh, Mary, I would do anything to see you right now."
She couldn't answer.
"I have to go."
"Okay," she said softly. "Call as soon as you can."
"I will. 'Bye."
Marrell just got the word out before the connection was broken. She felt like her heart would explode. He loved her! He was searching on his own! He was calling in the morning! She had thought he would never forgive her, but he still loved her. For the first time Marrell tried to pray.
Please let us both do this. Please let us end this search together. Don't let me lose my husband, God. I love him so much. The girls and I need him. If You love us, please help us.
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Marrell didn't remember the last things she prayed before she fell back to sleep. She slept hard until almost three o'clock, when she woke and found the light still on. After a quick trip to the bathroom, she slipped back beneath the sheet, turned the light out, and eventually slept again. Her mind was so full that she wouldn't have believed it possible, but sleep she did, unaware of anything until she heard the girls getting breakfast.