by K. A Knight
Worth is busy in a meeting, so I direct some of the guards to find a suitable room for the couple. Once they have, I escort them there with the guards. I walk inside and check it out. It’s in the main house near Worth, therefore safer and probably quieter—apart from her sex parties. It’s got a bed and a bathroom, and not much else, but it’s liveable.
“Here you go,” I offer, pulling back the curtains to let some light in. “It’s not a five-star hotel, but it’s what we have. Feel free to wander anywhere. We have food in the cafeteria, as well as anything you want to drink. I could order some to your room if you like?”
The mum is standing with her arms wrapped around herself, looking at the floor. The dad glances at her and then nods at me. “That would be great, thank you so much. I’m sorry, we are just both so tired. We have been searching for what seems like forever, so scared and hopeful and now—”
“You are empty.” I nod. “I can understand that. I will leave you to sleep and ask them to bring you food. If you need anything, find any of the guards and ask for me.” With that, I leave them to sleep. The guard is still outside, and I nod at him as I pass.
“Thank you. Can you bring them some food and drink please?” I ask politely.
“Of course, General.” He nods and rushes off to do just that. I want to make sure they are okay, but they probably need someone to talk to, someone who can understand their pain and the trauma from the attack. There is only one person I can think of who offers that calming, understanding presence.
Mother. AKA Clarissa.
“I’ll go check the bikes in and get an update on everything to relay to you, Princess,” Archel says and kisses my cheek.
“I’m going to take Jago to examine his head. Clay, can you come hold him down?” Evan asks.
“I don’t need holding down,” Jago snaps.
Laughing, I lean into his chest and kiss him. “Yes, you do, big guy. Go, and find me after,” I murmur. I watch them leave and turn to locate Clarissa. I find her wandering around with a few other women, and when she spots me, she smiles at them and heads over. I lean into The Ring’s fence and wait. She steps up next to me, looking me over.
“Well, at least you’re not dead,” she deadpans.
“Charming, truly you are. You kiss Worth with that mouth?” I tease.
“You wish, because you want to watch,” she mutters.
“Oh my God, did you make a joke? It’s truly the end of the world.” I gasp, my hand over my heart, as she snorts and scans the area around us.
“Archel said something happened up there. You okay?” Her eyes bore into me. “Seriously?”
Clarissa and I didn’t have the best start, but she truly is a great, caring person, and to survive out there through everything she did? Yeah, she has my respect. “I will be. It was…” I look away then, searching for a way to encapsulate everything that has happened. “A lot, but I think we are okay now, thank you.”
“Good. Now I’m guessing you didn’t search me out for my charming presence?”
“Nope, I need your help.” I push from the fence and turn to fully face her.
She shields her eyes from the sun to see me.
“We found a couple on the road. They were…being attacked.” I meet her eyes, and she instantly knows what I am alluding to. “We helped them before anything too bad could happen, but they don’t know anyone here. I got the feeling they haven’t been out in the world much.” I suck in a breath and forge ahead.
“Clarissa, they lost their daughter.” She flinches, but I push on. “We found her body on the way up north. We didn’t know she was theirs. We buried her, and when we saved them on the way back, they showed us a picture of her. They are grieving the loss, and I’m betting they feel really alone. We both know what that feels like. They need friends, they need support. You are caring, understanding, and calm, and I thought maybe you could help.”
“Of course,” she promises. “God, they must be in so much pain. It’s good you brought them here and saved them.”
“I did what everyone would do.”
She meets my eyes. “No, you did more. Most would have watched it happen. Most wouldn’t have interfered or tried to help them, never mind bring them here and try to build them a new home and family. Don’t talk down on yourself, Piper. You are an incredible person, even if you are inappropriate a lot of the time.”
“Don’t lie, you love it when I check your rack out,” I murmur, looking away shyly. She laughs and squeezes my shoulder.
“Well then, check out my ass while I walk away. I’ll look after them.” She wanders off, and I do check her out ass out—dammit. You can’t mention it and not expect me to.
“Very peachy!” I call after her, making her laugh.
Standing there alone, I wrap my arms around myself, shivering despite the heat. I feel cold after the events of the trip. From the young girl, to Jago, then the attack on the couple… If I’m being honest, it was a lot to deal with, and my mind is screaming at me. Not just that, but seeing the attack and my own reaction brought back a lot of painful memories that still linger. Still have me in their sharp, painful clutches.
It’s not healthy to bury pain. Those things…my past, it happened. Sometimes I forget, sometimes it’s like it never occurred, but then some days, it’s all I can think about as I remember the way their hands felt and the way they smelled until it’s like I’m right back there again. I’m good at holding it at bay, at fighting the darkness that accompanies those memories, but sometimes I just have to be weak, to cry and release all of the pain. It’s therapeutic. I can feel the pressure growing in me now, like an explosion ready to detonate.
I hurry back to our rooms, not wanting anyone else to see, not wanting to be labelled as weak, even though I know it’s not. Sometimes being strong is knowing when you need to be weak. It’s about being caring and kind, but knowing when to stand up tall. It’s about knowing how to bend and how to deal with your mind and heart so it’s all in sync.
Strength isn’t just an external attribute, like muscles. Strength comes from deep inside you.
Once in our room, I can still feel their hands, and although I know it’s not healthy, I strip and crank on the shower as hot as it will go before I step inside, letting the boiling water wash it away. I manage not to scrub my skin like I used to, but I do let it run across my body and face as I lean into the wall. Closing my eyes, I try to mentally push the memories back into the box where I keep them so I can function.
I don’t even hear the sound of the opening door over the roar of my own emotions. Only when arms wrap around me and pull me against a huge chest do I realise I’m not alone.
“Let it out, Brawler,” Jago murmurs, resting his head on my shoulder. He holds me tightly. I cry, letting him hold me up, and when I slip to the floor, he follows me down, holding me in his lap.
“I thought I was okay. I thought I was better. I thought I was healed,” I say raggedly as I raise my head, my lips trembling and my hair plastered to my naked body.
“Healing isn’t a straight line, Brawler. It’s like life, it has its ups and downs. Sometimes you are high and happy, almost like it never happened. Sometimes you are low, and that’s okay too. Memories stay forever, but the feel of them will fade with time. You aren’t failing by getting upset, by suffering. You could never fail us and certainly not yourself. Healing is healing, Brawler, it’s like a wound. The outer wound recovers, but there is still a scar inside.”
I’ve never felt so seen. That’s exactly what it is. Although the outward wound healed, the scars still remain, and sometimes they consume me. Other times, they are so closed, I can function without even thinking about it. It’s okay not to be okay, and as he holds me, I settle back and let the emotions wash over me. He holds me the entire time, not rushing me, just being there. He supports me like always, my rock.
“All right, fuckers,” comes a yell, and then the door slams inwards. “Out, you.” I turn to meet Worth’s angry eyes, her hand
s on her hips as she glares at Jago. “Girl time.”
“Since when are you a girl?” he teases and looks at me. When I nod, he stands and leans over and kisses me. “If you need me, I’ll be outside. I’ll kick her ass if you need me to.” He sweeps past her as she laughs.
“Like he could,” she mutters as she kicks the door shut behind her. Reaching up, I turn off the shower and climb out, huddling on the floor before it. I’m unable to move farther, to look at her. I feel so weak right now, especially in her eyes. She suffered, probably more than me, and yet she’s so strong.
She sighs. “Here,” Worth murmurs and thrusts a towel at me. Wiping my face, I snigger slightly.
“Afraid you can’t control yourself?” I tease, even as I wrap it around my nakedness and shiver.
“You know it.” She grins before she sinks to her ass next to me, her back to the shower cubicle. We sit side by side, her hands on her raised knees. She doesn’t speak, just sits.
“I’m weak,” I eventually mutter.
“Who the fuck told you that? I’ll gut them,” she snarls, turning to me in her anger.
I laugh bitterly, turning my face to wipe my tears on the towel as I draw my legs to my chest. “No one, but I am. So fucking weak. I should be over this by now, not crying in the shower because I saw the way he touched her and all I could think about was the—” I hiccup.
“Way they touched you,” she finishes. “The first time I slept with someone after, I saw them over and over. I couldn’t even come. I forced myself to finish him, though, to prove I could, and after I felt so bad, I almost drank myself into a coma.”
I shake my head. “But your past is worse than mine, yet you are so fucking strong. I’m weak,” I argue, slamming my fists onto my knees in my anger.
“My trauma does not lessen yours. I’m not as strong as you think I am, Piper. It’s a mask. I struggled a lot before I met my men. I drowned my demons in booze and girls and men. You handle it healthily by letting it out, and that makes you so much stronger than me. You face it, you don’t run or hide. You…feel it. I ran. I ran so far, I almost couldn’t get back.”
I turn my head, and she meets my eyes, her gaze filled with ghosts.
“I felt each scar on my body again when I came back. My men saved me from those flames, but it came with a cost. Running doesn’t help because it will always catch up with you. So let it out, let it free. Be sad, be angry, be what you need to be. But know you are never alone…and that I—” She inhales. “I am in awe of your strength.”
I stare, and she reaches out, covering my hand.
“You hear me? I don’t lie, you know that. You astound me. It’s okay to let it guide you, but you even let it control you. You are better than that, than them, any of them. You have survived what others cannot even imagine. You are so strong, and when you don’t feel it, we are here to remind you. Sometimes you just need someone who has been through what you have,” she murmurs. “Archel saw you running, that’s why I’m here. I was with him, and I saw the look in your eyes—haunted, chased. It’s the same one I saw in my eyes for years.”
“Worth,” I whisper, and she smiles sadly.
“Learn from my mistakes, Piper. Don’t waste so much time, not like I did. You have incredible men out there who love you. You have friends, family, and a home. I know it’s not always enough in those darkest times, but they will guide you back, no matter how long it takes, and I will be waiting in the light with a helping hand, always.”
I turn away again, but a smile covers my lips. “Okay.” I take a deep breath, the first one in many minutes, as if I can breathe again.
“Good.” She squeezes and lets go. “And don’t let me ever hear you say you are weak again, or I’ll kick your ass,” she mutters, making me laugh.
I drop my head to her shoulder, and she sits still, holding me up as I rebuild myself. I am like this world. I’m scarred from my past, from what’s happening, but slowly, with the help of others, I am healing.
I am becoming something new.
Like The Nations, I’m evolving.
That night, I eat in my room with my men. Archel brushes my hair, and Clay plaits it. Evan holds me while I sleep like old times, and Jago lies on my other side. They put me back together again. The next morning, I wake before them and dress, slipping from the room. In the sun, I take some deep breaths. Last night I felt fragile and raw, but today I feel better, and when I see Clarissa leaning against the building with Worth beside her, I smile.
“Was wondering if you were coming, lazy.” Clarissa smirks, pushing upright. “Let’s walk before it gets too fucking warm.”
I fall into step with them, and we stroll around The Ring as the sun fully rises. It’s quiet and hardly anyone is out aside from us, but I spot Evvie a little while later going to check on patients. He blows me a kiss, and I wave. Archel is probably around somewhere too, following me, but it’s nice to be with Worth and Clarissa to get a bit of air and space.
“How was it up there?” Worth asks. “I got a report from your men, but I’m curious.”
“It was…different, like it had been forgotten, but there was something so achingly beautiful about the untouched land.” I smile at her. “I guess they told you about Abel?” I clutch my necklace, looking down at it. “I found a tie to my mother through him. It felt right. Even now, my heart aches to go back, to be with her, even though I’m happy here. Can you feel like two places are your home?”
“Of course. Home doesn’t even need to be a place, it can be a feeling or a person—or persons.” Clarissa smirks. “Follow it, split your time.” She shrugs casually like it’s that easy.
“Yeah, you’re right.” I drop the necklace, tucking it back in my shirt. “I never thought I would ever see them again. I guess now that I have, I’m greedy for more.”
“Any sane person would feel the same, though you aren’t really sane,” Worth teases.
“Ass eater,” I mutter, making her bark out a laugh.
“It’s been way too quiet around here without you,” she remarks. “No one insults me to my face while checking out my breasts.” I jerk my eyes up with a guilty smile.
“Oops.” I wink. “I can’t help it, they are just so…up. How do you keep them so high? Do they get sweaty?” I blurt.
“My ass does, it’s killer,” Clarissa inserts.
“Pussy too.” I nod. “And when I’m on my period at the same time?” I groan. “Killer. Last time, I punched Clay because he told me I looked glowy. He meant it as a compliment, but I didn’t take it as such.”
“What did he do after you punched him?” Worth asks as we stop before The Ring.
“He smiled and asked me to stay forever. They are all insane.”
“They match you well.” They both nod.
Maybe they aren’t wrong, especially when I see Clay trying to hide behind a table with Archel right next to him. If it wasn’t for the hulking giant struggling to duck, I wouldn’t have seen them.
Stalkers.
The next few days pass in a blur. I work with some scavs to update the map of the north. I also give new orders to my teams after inspecting our scouting plan, and then I go with Worth to meet with Jon and a representative of The Cities. Usually by the evening, I’m exhausted and fall into a deep sleep. My guys are keeping busy too, settling into life easily enough. Archel works with Dray on…well, I’m scared to ask. Clay teaches the guards to fight and build explosives, and Jago helps him. Evan has returned to attending to his patients and looking after everyone.
It means we don’t get to spend a lot of time together. They make sure to check in with me, and I get stolen kisses, hugs, and laughs—a reminder they are there to love and miss me. I never knew being a general, Worth’s left-hand woman, would come with so many boring meetings, but as the final one of the day finishes, I recline with a groan.
“Fooking hell, if I wasn’t buzzed right now, I’d be fast asleep.” Nan groans. “All this chatter, fooking hell.”
�
��Wait, you’re drunk? I didn’t get invited to pre-drink council meetings.” I pout.
“Nah, ’cause ye a wee spragger and would tell your girlfriend here,” Nan mutters, jerking her head at Worth, who just sighs.
“Share,” I demand, holding my hand out. With a grumble, she pulls a half empty bottle from behind her cardigan.
“Thieves,” she spits. “Can’t leave an old lady with her booze.”
“Shut up. You probably have another bottle stashed somewhere. Dray told me you’ve been stealing the guys’ stash.”
“Such liars,” she grumbles as I take a swig and pass it to Worth.
“So the trade lines with The Cities are sorted now. The teams know their schedules and are working well. What else is there to do?” I ask Worth.
She frowns, musing it over. “More food production. We need to expand safe zones and clear routes, but…we are doing good. Really good.”
There’s a knock on the door, and Archel sticks his head in. “You done, Princess? I came to walk back with you.”
“Go.” Worth waves me off. I down my drink and smile at them both before skipping to the door. Once outside, he leans in and kisses me softly.
“Hi, Princess,” he murmurs.
I swallow my groan as he takes my hand and starts to tug me out of the building and back towards the others, but that one kiss has ignited the passion in me for my assassin. I want some one-on-one time, so I start to pull him the other way.
“I want to show you something.” I grin back at him.
“What’s that?” he inquires with a smile, going along with it happily.
“The reptile house. It’s part of the old zoo. They are expanding it for housing, but it’s empty at the moment.”
“You want me all to yourself?”
“You know it. I want to see your reptile,” I tease, making him groan at my bad joke, but he speeds up, nearly pulling me along, so it couldn’t have been too bad.
We move through the other enclosures and away from the noise of The Ring, through the old, reinforced underground tunnel, and out the other side. The timeworn, cracked pavement leads in each direction. The reptile house sign is still up somehow, and he throws me over his shoulder and races over as I laugh, smacking his ass. The hexagonal hut comes into view. The door is partially open, and he kicks it the rest of the way before spinning and slamming me against it to shut it.