“I’m going to head out now. Sorry I fell asleep.” I tried to laugh but gave up. This could just be awkward and weird. I didn’t fucking care. But as I was about to stand, Patrice touched my shoulder.
“Why don’t you try to go back to sleep? You looked so tired.”
Pity. My favorite thing to hear from a lover after sex.
I shook my head, still not looking at him. “I’m fine. I’ll let you get back to your Sunday.” This time I did turn around, wanting him to see that I wouldn’t cross that line in the future. He was my tenant for fuck’s sake, I shouldn’t have done this. “It won’t happen again.”
“Don’t go, Easton.” There was just a hint of urgency in his voice. Knowing that Patrice was just as fucked up about whatever we were doing as I was only made me more tired.
I sighed as I looked around for my clothes and then remembered I’d left them downstairs.
“What am I going to stay for, Patrice? So you can fuck me again and then let me know immediately after you regret doing it? No thanks.”
To his credit he looked contrite. I wasn’t even sure why I was blowing up at him. It’s not like he’d asked me here. I’d showed up at his door after making all kinds of assumptions. I deflated, remembering who it was that I’d seen him with. Patrice was right about us. There was too much stacked against us.
“I’m going to go, Patrice. I’m sorry about Ari. If there’s any way I can help let me know. I have a good friend from law school that does immigration law in Rochester. I can get in touch with him. He does a lot of pro bono work.” Patrice looked surprised and I thought he was going to say something, but he just nodded.
“All right. I’ll walk you down.”
I started for the stairs before I humiliated myself any further. “Don’t worry about it. I have to run anyway. I’m supposed to be at a family event and I am ridiculously late, I should’ve been headed there instead of barging into your house, coming on to you—”
Patrice made an exasperated sound as he moved to follow me downstairs. “You didn’t come on to me. I was right there with you and wanting the same things you wanted.”
When I looked around his living room trying to find my shoes I recalled that I’d come to his house in nothing but gym shorts and a T-shirt. Embarrassed by just how fucking ridiculous I’d been, I finished getting dressed as fast as I could and was heading to the door within seconds. Patrice stood in his living room watching.
“Easton, don’t leave angry. Things don’t have to be like this between us. I want us to be friends. I—”
He fidgeted as I stared at him, for once forcing myself not to make the moment easier for Patrice, not to let him off the hook. It was what I’d been doing from the first moment we met. Diffusing and putting him at ease so he wouldn’t run off on me. I was done with that.
“Have a good day, Patrice.”
I walked out of his place, determined to stay away. I wanted him, and judging by the sex we’d had and what he’d made me feel, I probably would always want him. But there was nothing I could do to keep Patrice from running, because no matter what it was, he’d always find a reason to.
I’d grabbed the phone out of my pocket to send a quick message to my dad when I saw a new text from Ron.
There was another one. We need to figure something out.
I felt a shiver run through my body. I wondered if he was referring to Ari or if someone else had been stopped. I quickly tapped a message telling him I’d call him in a few minutes.
I texted my dad as I walked into my apartment.
I’ll be there.
I had obligations, I had work to do.
My needs would have to take a back seat for once.
Patrice
I could’ve handled that better.
I was still standing by the door a long time after Easton left. Hating myself for once again making him feel like shit for something I wanted just as much as he did.
There was no question about that. Half of the time I felt like I had no idea what I was doing whenever Easton was involved. Except that was a lie. I knew I wanted him, that whenever I was with him I felt free and at ease. That he always left me wanting more. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself for much longer than it took to make us both come, and in the process, I kept hurting Easton.
I was about to go back to grading papers, which was what I’d been trying to do all morning, when a knock on my door shifted my attention off my fuckboy nonsense. I glanced at the clock on the mantel and realized it was past noon already. It had to be Ari. He’d gone to take Yin home, and he told me he’d be back so we could talk since we never got the chance yesterday.
As I moved to the door I felt glad that I’d at least showered while Easton napped and wasn’t going to meet with my mentee after the weekend he’d had smelling like come.
I opened the door and found Ari looking better than he had last night. I went in to clap him on the back, feeling just a bit protective of him still. There was so much about how Ari carried himself that reminded me of myself. His stoic approach to things, his drive to “make things work” no matter what.
“Thanks for last night. Yin would’ve been up all night if I’d been at my uncle’s.”
It didn’t escape me that even after years living there, Ari still didn’t call his uncle’s place home. One more red flag to add to the pile when it came to that situation.
I sat on one end of my couch and looked at Ari as he typed out a text before pocketing his phone. “I stopped by OuNYe to tell Nesto. I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else.” He grimaced and fidgeted with the laces of his Adidas and when he looked up, he seemed a little embarrassed. “He said that maybe you could help me figure out the immigration thing now. Things with my uncle are not going well, and I want to have a plan.”
And of course I was right back to Easton. I leaned against the cushions we’d been pressed against before making our way upstairs and, like an idiot, wondered if they still smelled like him.
I coughed a few times, trying to buy myself a moment, because I’d apparently lost the ability to even talk about Easton. “So I know Easton has a friend that does immigration work.” Now I felt like an ass for blabbing about Ari’s situation, but when I looked at him he seemed to have perked up at the prospect of Easton getting involved.
“I trust Easton, he will find someone good.” I took a moment to let that sink in, to take in Ari’s faith in people’s goodness. His ability to give people a chance.
I nodded, holding in all the shit that was trying to spill out. “Okay, that’s good, I know he’d like to help.” I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling like I needed to be honest. “He was over here this morning and I was still feeling a little heated about what happened to you last night. I told him.”
Ari dipped his head in acknowledgment, but did not seem bothered at all.
“You don’t mind that I told him?”
He shrugged and then smiled. “I trust you and Easton.” I wasn’t sure he was intentionally pairing us together or if he was just talking, but it seemed like my new thing was to read too much into everything whenever Easton was involved.
It felt weird bringing Easton into this—his job was already featuring in more than one unhealthy way in our relationship—but he also had offered and he would know what he could and could not do. I could let him know Ari was interested and let him decide what was the next step. Not that I even knew if he was still talking to me after I’d fucked him and then acted like an asshole.
My face felt hot, remembering how mortified Easton looked walking out of my house, but if I had to grovel to get him to help Ari, I would. Although that was bullshit too. I could not say much for sure, but I knew Easton would not go back on an offer to help Ari because he and I had a falling out. Between the two of us, the only fickle one was me.
“I just don’t want you to feel lik
e I’m telling your stuff to people.” I really meant that too.
Ari’s shrugged lightly but I could tell he was thinking hard on what I’d said. “Easton is a good guy, and if he wants to help me, I won’t say no. After that time at the detention facility I learned that if there were people wanting to help me out, that I would never let my pride get in the way. I can’t deal with all of this on my own.” He lifted a hand in a gesture of that seemed to say, “What can you do?”
“If I could, I would’ve been out of my uncle’s house a long time ago, but I can’t. If Easton can help out, then I’m glad for it.”
Ari’s matter-of-fact tone made him sound much older than his twenty-one years. I thought that even though our stories were similar, in some fundamental ways we were very different. Ari had made his passage to the States alone and had faced trials I never had to. He took the help that was offered to him gladly, learned to trust even when he had very little reason to do so. Which brought me back to Easton and how I kept pushing him away.
Ari’s soft laugh got my attention back to our conversation; he looked amused at whatever he saw on my face. “You look like I did all of last year when Yin was trying to convince me we should date and I kept telling myself it would never work. Are you and Easton having troubles?”
That brought me up short. “Easton and I aren’t dating.”
Another laugh and this one has a definite “bitch, please” ring to it.
“The way you look at each other certainly seems like you could be. Yin would be very unimpressed by you blowing a chance to date Easton.”
I laughed at that, remembering Yin’s very vocal opinions on Easton’s hotness. I could barely believe that I was so messed up about Easton that I was coming to my own mentee for dating advice, and yet here I was poised to spill my guts again.
“It feels too complicated with Easton’s job. I mean look at what happened with you yesterday, I can’t be with someone who is so connected to the system that allows these things to go unchecked.”
Ari ran a hand over his face as he considered what I’d said. After a long moment he looked at me and asked, “Is Easton okay with the stops?”
The intense “no” that bubbled up in my chest surprised me. “No. He’s not okay with it.”
Ari sighed and I could tell he was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking. He was always cautious with his words. In part because he was still self-conscious about his English, but also because he wasn’t a careless person. I wondered if he’d always been like this or if the things he’d been through had changed him.
“One of the best things about being with Yin—” I’d been so in my head that his voice startled me, and it took me a moment to digest what he’d said. “—is that he’s taught me that I need to imagine a future that is just for me. My parents sacrificed so much to send me here, I still can’t believe they were able to, honestly. All that time I had to sit in that detention center not knowing if I would be able to stay, or if I’d have to go back.” He shook his head as if still hardly believing he’d managed to get out of there. “All I could think was ‘I need to make all this worth it. If I ever get out of here I will work until I can bring them over, until I can show them I deserved their sacrifice.’”
I was trying to figure out what words to use to convince Ari that of course it had been worth it, when he continued this time, sounding too wise for his years. “Being with Yin, I realized, that aiming for my own happiness made it worth it. We need to have some dreams that are just for us.” He laughed, with his hands up. “I know it is not easy what I am suggesting you do, but don’t cheat yourself out of the happy future you’re fighting for.”
I felt utterly unprepared to really dig into most of what Ari had said, so I went with something to lighten the mood of the conversation. “I don’t think you’re getting much out of this mentoring deal. All you do is give me advice.” Ari grinned knowingly at my attempt to change the subject.
When he finally spoke, he dropped another truth bomb right on top of the others he’d detonated in the last few minutes. “You were never on the hook for all of it, Patrice.” He waved his hand in the empty space between us. “We’re both supposed to be getting something out of this. You learn from me and I learn from you. Reciprocal, that’s how all relationships should be. I like to hang out with you because you want me to do well and you take my dreams seriously, even if they may not make total sense to you. That’s all I need.” After that, he stretched and looked over at the kitchen.
“I’ll go make us some tea, and I’ll give you the details about my case so you can tell Easton.” I just nodded woodenly at him while his words were wreaking havoc in my head.
I thought of my mom, and how I had always felt like a burden to her even though she never once made me feel that way. How my father’s absolute disinterest puzzled and humiliated me. How I never felt like I quite gave as much to my friends as they did to me. Then thought of the joy I felt seeing Easton light up with my touch. The ways that the heat is his eyes when he told me how much he wanted me felt like it would burn me. I wondered what it would be like to let down my walls and just own that despite all the reasons why it was complicated to want Easton, I still did.
I’d never know until I did and there was no denying that I desperately wanted to try.
Chapter Ten
Easton
I drove up to my parent’s house in Cayuga Heights and as soon as I got there I remembered why I hated coming to these parties. There was valet parking, of course. I sighed as I passed the long line of luxury cars parked along the street, because heaven forbid any of these people should walk the four-hundred yards from their cars to my parents’ door.
I noticed the valet was our old housekeeper’s grandson, Martin. I went in for a one-armed hug instead of handing him my keys. “Hey man, making some extra cash for college?”
The kid grinned at me and gave me a back slap as he passed me a ticket. “Yeah, it’s coming up soon.”
I smiled at his sunny face; he’d always been such a happy kid. “Dude, you’re miles ahead of most high school kids. I didn’t pull in a steady paycheck until it was absolutely necessary,” I said jokingly.
Martin looked at me with a funny expression on his face, like he wasn’t sure what I was talking about. “Dude, you never had to work. Believe me, if I didn’t have to do this, I’d be home playing video games. Besides, you more than make up for it now. Grandma’s always talking about how proud she is of you, how her ‘baby boy’ is out there fighting the good fight.” I’d always loved Alfreda, she’d been good to us. She’d see my mom, sister and me smarting from whatever scathing comments my father had directed at us, and feed us, or give us an excuse to smile.
“Thanks for saying that. Is Alfie in there? I’ll go say hi.” He nodded distractedly and pointed to the house, already busy taking keys from another customer.
I braced myself as I walked into my parents’ place. It was my grandfather’s eighty-fifth birthday and he’d asked for something with close family. My mother interpreted his request as a themed party with a hundred guests and high-end catering.
I made my way through the crowd, dreading the inevitable clash with my father. I was so not up for the usual passive-aggressive jabs he used as a way to communicate with his children. I think my mother sided with him just from sheer exhaustion.
I spotted my grandpa hiding in a corner with my sister and smiled as I walked over to them. These days my grandfather had no filter and a hilarious low tolerance for what he called “blue-blood bullshit.” My sister, Emma, I actually enjoyed spending time with. She worked for the family as the winery’s marketing director, but she did not take any crap from my dad. She was brilliant at marketing and had done amazing things for the business since she’d taken over. He needed her, and they both knew it.
I bent down to give my grandfather a hug as soon as I got to them. “Hey, old
man. You’re looking fancy.” He was dressed in a burgundy cashmere sweater and slacks. His feet ensconced in the handmade house shoes I’d gotten him for Christmas.
He held on to me for a few seconds longer than usual and let me go with a sigh. “How are you, son? How’s the business of putting bad guys away going?” I smiled, touched by the pride in his voice. When I told my family I’d be joining the district attorney’s office after I finished law school my parents weren’t exactly thrilled. My grandpa, on the other hand, thought it was fantastic, and he’d been supportive ever since.
“It’s all right. Some troubles with the sheriff’s department.” My sister, who had been talking to someone else, turned back to us as I said that.
“Hey bro, I was going to text you about that,” she said, leaning in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “What’s going on? Looks like every story I see involves a black or Latinx student.” Her expression looked a lot like I felt, tight and unimpressed. “Not a good look. It’s frankly super disturbing, and not a trend I want to see picked up here.”
I shook my head as I pulled back from kissing her. “Believe me, I am not thrilled about any of it, and I’m still not sure how I’m going to deal with it.” I thought about the meeting with Day in the morning and whether that would bear any results. I doubted it. In some ways I felt like I was infringing, that I shouldn’t interfere, but I also couldn’t just let these stops continue to happen without saying anything. I remembered Patrice’s face when he’d told me about Ari, and felt sick to my stomach.
“You don’t look so great, is this getting to you?” She gave me a concerned look and my grandfather looked up from whatever game he was playing on his iPad.
I lifted a shoulder as I made a move to grab a mimosa from a tray one of the servers was passing around. “Of course I’m worried about it. I’m also frustrated because Cindy wants to be extra cautious about not stepping on toes, and I want to go in guns blazing and tell the sheriff to tell his people to cut it out.”
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