“Noah, what have you gotten yourself into?” Lily bobs and weaves. “I am so telling Mom and Dad.”
She and Mia lunge at Nurse Leibowitz, trying to grab her, but she does some kind of jump-spin-kick, knocking them both to the ground.
“HIYAH!” Nurse Leibowitz shouts again.
Josh and Tyler dance around Nurse Leibowitz in sumo wrestler stances, trying to find a way in.
“Jump on her!” Simon shouts.
“Dude, I’m not jumping on her,” Josh says.
“Me neither,” Tyler agrees.
“Noah!” Simon yells.
Suddenly, a disoriented-looking person stumbles out from the bushes.
“Hey, Nathan!” I shout breathlessly, dancing around the chaos. “Duck!”
“What the—?” Nathan ducks as his shocked face darts from one person to the next. “What’s going on here?”
“Long story. I’ll explain later, but just roll with it,” I suggest, hopping around. “But now that you’re here, I have some questions. I thought saving the world would be noble. Like, I’d be in a parade or on the news or something. Or it would be cool—like, I’d be in a car chase film sequence. I never thought it would be about trying to capture a nutty nurse in the middle of the woods at Camp Challah. You’re a deep thinker who knows a lot about Judaism. In your opinion, what would Moses do?”
“WHHHAAAT?!” Nathan shouts incredulously, scrambling behind a tree.
“Noah!” Simon yells, trying to extract himself from Nurse Leibowitz’s headlock.
“Fine . . . I’ll do it!” I yell and leap right onto her back. She spins around and tries to swat me, but I have a good hold, with one hand over her eyes.
“Ah! I can’t see!” she bellows. “HIYAH! HIYAH!” she screams. “Let go!”
“Sorry, Nurse Leibowitz.” My words vibrate as I bounce wildly. “It’s time to calm down and use your inside voice!”
“Inside voice this!” she yells and throws herself back hard, slamming me against a tree.
A sharp pain explodes across my spine, and I crash into a heap on the ground.
“Noah!” Lily shouts and runs toward me. “Are you okay?”
“Maybe,” I wheeze, the wind knocked out of me.
She helps pull me upright. “Simon told me what you’ve been up to, Noah,” she says. “And before the world ends, I want you to know that you don’t totally bite as a brother. I mean, I’m not completely embarrassed by you all the time.”
“Thanks, Lily,” I say, surprised. “That’s really nice, ya know, for you.”
“But if we get out of this alive, I’m totally gonna kill you,” she adds.
“Noah, are you all right?” Nathan gingerly joins our circle. “Yipsy, what’s happening?”
“ ’S’all right, Nathan,” Yipsy says gently, eyeballing Nurse Leibowitz and sliding in front of us. “I’ve got everything under control . . . ish. Oh, and it would be cool if you didn’t tell your dad about this.”
Nurse Leibowitz stands triumphantly. Behind her, the sky lightens in gradations of the soft pinks and blues of early dawn, illuminating her silhouette like the best movie backdrop I’ve ever seen!
“Now maybe you’ll understand that I mean business!” she pants, reaching into fanny pack and extracting a . . . something pointy.
“Whoa!” Yipsy exclaims, holding his hands in the air.
“Shut up!” She points the thing at him.
I lean toward Simon. “What is that?” I ask quietly out of the corner of my mouth.
“It looks like a high-tech bow and arrow,” Josh whispers.
“I think it’s called a crossbow,” Simon says. “I saw one in the archery shed. We aren’t allowed to use it.”
“It looks sharp,” Josh notes.
“You’re darn tootin’ it’s sharp!” Nurse Leibowitz announces.
“Kids, step back,” Yipsy says. “Myrna, violence isn’t the answer.”
“Since when?” she snarls, her eyes aglow. “Now, you’re going to give me that tablet. I’m gonna walk out of here, and you’re going to give me a twenty-minute lead. Then you’re going to forget you ever saw me. If you don’t, well—you’ll see then, won’t you?”
We all look confused.
“What will we see?” I ask.
“I’ll . . . plaster all your embarrassing personal information on social media!”
“What?” “Huh?” “What’s she talking about?” we all say at the same time.
“I know everything about you.” She nods smugly. “Your immunizations, your allergies, your weird dietary restrictions, your revolting whiny neuroses: ‘I don’t like elevators,’ ” she says in a pretend whiny voice. “ ‘Cilantro in my Tex Mex food tastes like soap.’ ‘I’m afraid of scary-looking dolls.’ ‘Roller coasters make me nauseous.’ I can ruin your lives!” Nurse Leibowitz cackles. “And don’t think I won’t!”
“You know what I think?” George explodes. “I think it’s time to shut your trap, lady!”
“Shut yours, old man!” Nurse Leibowitz slants her eyes at him.
“You don’t even know what you got there, do you?” he says, gesturing to the tablet.
“An extremely rare and valuable artifact,” she answers haughtily.
“That’s not all, Fruit Loops,” Pops says.
“The tablet gives exact instructions about how to save the world from a killer asteroid,” I tell her. “If you don’t give that to us, then in exactly about two weeks’ time the whole world will be blown to bits.”
“I don’t believe you.” Nurse Leibowitz glances at the tablet. “How do you know?”
“My cousin Bobby Running Feather was a code talker during World War II,” George says, jabbing his finger at her, “and he wrote that tablet.”
“I know a Bobby Running Feather.” Nurse Leibowitz cocks her head. “Was he with the Navajo Nation?”
“Yeah,” George narrows his eyes at her, skeptically.
“He was my fourth cousin!”
“Uh, Leibowitz?” Simon poses the question.
“On my mother’s side,” she snaps.
“I don’t believe you.” George crosses his arms over his chest.
“It’s true,” she says, all steely. “I did a cheek swab DNA test. Once I discovered that, I decided to learn the Navajo language and wartime codebook!”
“You’re lyin’.” George scowls.
“I’ll prove it to you,” Nurse Leibowitz says. She sets the crossbow down next to her feet and squints at the tablet.
“Wait a minute now,” she says, fumbling through her fanny pack. “I just need my reading glasses. I really should get one of those necklace chains, but they’re so old-fogey-looking—no offense.” She nods to George and Pops. “Ah, here we go!” she says, wiggling her face into the little purple glasses.
She starts to read.
“Uh-huh . . . uh-huh . . . hmmm,” she mumbles. “Oh, that’s funny.” She throws back her head and cackles. “Uh-huh . . . Wow, interesting . . .”
“Any day now, Mixed Nuts.” Pops taps his foot.
“Oh! Oh no! Oh no! Terrible, terrible . . . OMG!”
“She really has lost it.” Lily rolls her eyes condescendingly. “Nobody says OMG anymore.”
“This is very, very bad!” Nurse Leibowitz finally exclaims, whipping off her glasses.
“I told you so!” George says.
“Now give us the doggone tablet so we can save the world!” Pops demands.
“It’s very bad for you.” Nurse Leibowitz grins, which makes her look even scarier. “But very good for me! Do you know what I can get for this tablet?”
“You can’t spend the money if we’re all dead, Loony Bird!” Pops says.
“Oh yeah? Just watch me!” Nurse Leibowitz laughs maniacally.
Mia catches my eye and gestures to the crossbow on the ground. I’m the closest to it. Can I grab it? Do I have the nerve?
Simon nods in an encouraging way, or at least I think that’s what he’s doing. Maybe it
isn’t. Maybe it’s a rhetorical nod, or maybe he’s agreeing with Pops. Or maybe he just likes to nod. And what if Nurse Leibowitz grabs the weapon first? What if the arrow hits me and it hurts—a lot?
Simon is grimacing now with a more aggressive head bounce in the direction of the crossbow.
Very cautiously, I inch forward.
“So, um tell me, Nurse Leibowitz.” Simon shifts to her other side in what I think is an effort to distract her. “Have, um, you always wanted to be a nurse?”
“What?”
“I mean, what, um, led you to want to help people?”
“What in tarnation is that hippie talking about?” Pops mutters.
“Well, I . . .” Nurse Leibowitz looks like she’s processing and trying to read Simon’s room, while I creep closer and closer to the crossbow, which gleams in the oncoming gray dusk of pre-dawn. “Whaddaya mean?” she asks skeptically.
“Well,” Simon says, shifting slowly away from me, so that her head turns toward him. “You’re such a brilliant nurse, and I was wondering what led you to a life of healing.”
“Oh.” Nurse Leibowitz blushes and gets really serious. “Yes. I always wanted to help people. Even as a child.”
“You don’t say?” Simon looks super interested. “Tell me more about that.”
Closer. Closer. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I feel the others holding their breath. Simon glances my way and shoots me an encouraging, tight smile. Lily looks teary but nods encouragingly.
“I had a dog named Wags,” Nurse Leibowitz says. “And I remember being about maybe three and putting a stethoscope to his heart, and then trying to give him CPR with our old ping-pong paddles. But then my parents made me stop—and then they sent Wags away to live with my cousin after that.” She dabs at her eyes. “I don’t know why. I was heartbroken. Until I noticed that my cat’s tail looked curly and broken, so I decided to straighten it, but then my parents sent her away too, and . . .”
Crouching very slowly, I reach out, and my fingers graze the cold steel. I’ve almost got it! Suddenly, my headpiece camera buzzes and flashes a red light, indicating that I’m running out of space.
“HEY!” Nurse Leibowitz pivots.
Like lightning, she grabs for the weapon. But I’ve already curled my fingers around the handle and have it firmly in my clutches. We struggle, and everything around me is a blur. I see the terrified faces of my family and my mates. And from the corner of my eye, I see Lily on her phone.
Chapter 28
Nurse Leibowitz is throwing me around and twisting my arm, but I won’t let go. Because this is my chance to do something really important and save the world and, also, I don’t want to get hurt.
Finally, I wrench the crossbow away from her.
And now I’m standing with this sharp weapon, pointing it at her, and she’s standing there in front of me and it’s, like, who am I?
“Don’t move!” I yell. “Or I’ll—”
Oh my God, what will I do?!
“You’ll what?” Nurse Leibowitz snickers. “That crossbow couldn’t hurt a fly.”
“What?” Simon exclaims.
“I work at a camp with children, for God’s sake. I totally sanded down the arrow tip. See? I even glued rubber over it.”
While we’re all trying to figure out how to respond to this, Nurse Leibowitz holds up the tablet.
“You’ll never catch me!” she cackles. “And you can’t prove any of this!”
“Oh, yes, we can,” I say in a really stern voice that I didn’t know I had. “Because I”—I tilt my head down—“got it all on film, which will one day be my new opus.”
“You still got pus?” Pops asks.
Nurse Leibowitz looks kind of shocked. Her face droops, and her mouth opens and closes like she’s gonna says something, but she just looks like a fish who can’t get air.
Lily lifts the tablet from her hands. “That’s what you get for being evil and wearing last decade’s athleisure wear.”
At that moment, police sirens whine up the road. The cars screech to a stop. Car doors open and slam. The sounds of voices and stampeding feet head our way.
“We’re down here, officers!” Yipsy yells. Before she can bolt, we surround Nurse Leibowitz like a human cage.
“Is this you saving the world?” Nathan asks, dumbfounded.
“It looks that way,” I reply.
A bunch of police officers rush down the embankment. I place the crossbow on the ground, and we all start talking over each other. The police confer with Yipsy—even though they don’t seem completely convinced that he’s a reliable witness, since he’s covered in hardening, cracking white goo. But, somehow, they manage to get most of the story. Yipsy offers to accompany them down to the station to fill in the details.
“I’ll come too,” Nathan says, still looking totally confused, like he accidentally walked into the carnival funhouse in someone else’s nightmare.
The officers handcuff Nurse Leibowitz. Just as they’re about to haul her off, she cranes her head over her shoulder, looks straight at me, and shouts, “One zero one four five one!”
And giggles.
I’m too tired to even wonder what that’s supposed to mean.
It’s almost dawn now. Somewhere in the distance, birds chirp, and the woods are alive with the sounds of cricket-y, croaking, woodsy things. The sky is fading to yellow-white as a light breeze blows in from the lake. In the distance, I hear the muffled sounds of kids. Camp Challah is waking up.
George, Pops, my mates, and I stand in the small clearing in the big woods. Nobody seems to know what to do or say.
“Wow,” Tyler finally says.
“You were awesome, Noah,” Mia tells me.
“It was nothing,” I reply with a shrug.
“No, really,” she insists. “You were epic. Like, song-worthy epic.”
I’m embarrassed to feel a hot blush crawl up my neck and onto my cheeks.
“Glad that’s over,” says Josh with a weary sigh. “I’m starving.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Simon asks.
“What’s that?” Tyler says.
My eyes meet Simon’s.
We say it together: “We still have to save the world.”
Chapter 29
“I thought you didn’t even believe in Agatha and saving the world,” I say to Simon.
“Well,” he sighs, “I didn’t. But I should believe in you. I thought about everything you’ve done and said. And I realize I kind of admire you. You’re my best mate here in the States, after all. And it doesn’t look like I’m leaving anytime soon.”
This is amazing! I have a best friend who thinks I’m cool.
“I’m glad to hear you say that, mate! That’s great!” I say. “Great mate. Great mate. Ha ha, that rhymes . . . But seriously, mate is a cool word. Much nicer than friend. Frieeenddd.” I move my mouth around that word until it sounds all nasally and uncool. “Frieeeeennnnnd. But mate—much better. Mate, mate, mate,” I singsong in a crisp, clipped way.
“Noah.” Lily shuts me down.
“Sorry. Tired.”
“Aren’t we all,” George says, lowering himself onto a rock with a long groan.
“Well, I’m not,” Pops declares, carefully cradling the tablet. “We still need to get to Washington. George, call an Uber. We’re going to the airport. But first, we’re stopping at the diner, ’cause I got the bathroom hoppies. We’re gonna wait by the road. Wish us luck.”
“Shouldn’t we go with them?” Simon asks quietly.
“Don’t worry,” Pops says. “Those young whippersnappers in Washington have to listen to us now that we have the tablet. Besides, George is a decorated World War II veteran, and I was a . . .”
“Secret agent,” we all drone in unison.
“That’s right!” Pops exclaims.
“But there’s still a chance the asteroid will blow us to bits,” Josh says. “It would be nice to grow up.”
“Yeah, it
would,” Simon agrees. “Play football.”
“Write sci-fi shows,” Tyler adds.
“Write more songs!” Mia nods.
“Yeah . . . about that,” Josh says.
“Not cool.” Mia glowers at him for a moment before she turns to me. “You think we’ll get to do any of those things, Noah?”
“Hmmm,” I reply absentmindedly. I’m not really paying attention because something’s nagging at the back of my mind.
“Pops, come back here a minute,” I say.
“What is it? Every second counts when you’re trying to save the world and you’ve got the bathroom hoppies.”
“What were those numbers Nurse Leibowitz rattled off?” I say, both to myself and rhetorically.
“Who cares?” Josh says. “Let’s head back to camp. Carbs. Now.”
Everyone starts toward the lake. I remove my camera headpiece and rewind it.
“One zero one four five one,” Nurse Leibowitz chortles. “One zero one four five one!”
I play it a few times: 101451.
“Noah, you’re obsessing again,” Lily says.
“No. Wait. Pops, do those numbers mean anything to you? George?”
George shrugs. “Nope.”
I repeat the numbers a few more times. “Six numbers. Maybe they’re groups.”
“Or pairs?” Lily adds.
“Or dates,” I say, the meaning slowly dawning on me. “The dates the asteroid will hit.”
Simon gently lifts the tablet from Pops’s hands and lays it down on a flat rock. We cluster around it. I readjust my headpiece and hit Record.
We stare in silence for a few seconds, boring our eyes into the tablet.
Josh breaks the silence. “You know we can’t read this, right?”
“Sure, but if it’s a date, then it’s October 14, 1951,” I say, thinking aloud. “So that means—”
“It happened already,” Lily says, plopping down on a rock and crossing her legs.
“But we’re still here,” Josh says.
“So . . . it’s all bogus?” Tyler grazes his fingers across the tablet as if the truth will somehow jump up his hand and slide into his brain.
“Now, just a minute, kids,” George pipes up. “This is the real McCoy here.”
Noah Green Saves the World Page 14