Scared Shiftless: An Ex-Shifter turned Vampire Hunter Urban Fantasy (The Legend of Nyx Book 1)

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Scared Shiftless: An Ex-Shifter turned Vampire Hunter Urban Fantasy (The Legend of Nyx Book 1) Page 10

by Theophilus Monroe


  Still a wise move for a vamp, given the growing economy. But for a youngling, maintaining a work-from-home opportunity was more than ideal. After all, before you can take advantage of the phenomenon of compound interest, you need to have a little seed money for your investments.

  All in all, from what I could figure the internet had radically changed vampire culture—perhaps even more than it had revolutionized human society. Before, due to the issues involving sunlight, vamps were limited in terms of the human establishments they could frequent. Twenty-four-hour Wal-Marts were popular. But before those were a thing, from what I’ve learned, vampires acquired most things by mail order.

  Now, with Amazon Prime, there wasn’t a whole lot that vamps couldn’t get. It was one of many things that allowed the vamp-of-today to blend in better than ever before. They could literally get anything they wanted with minimal risk of raising red flags to hunters.

  There were also a number of modern hazards that made the sneak-in-and-stake routine more hazardous than ever. Namely, doorbell cameras and motion-sensitive security systems.

  I raised my hand to stop Devin as we approached the vampire’s apartment door. “He has a Ring doorbell.”

  Devin nodded. “Damnit.”

  “You can be sure he has that thing set up to send motion alerts.” I nodded back down the hall, the direction from which we came. I mean, we hadn’t triggered the alert yet so the vampire inside probably wasn’t listening. But you can’t be too sure. Younglings tend to be more paranoid that older vamps.

  “But this is an apartment,” Devin said, following me to the opposite end of the hall. “There must be people walking past all the time.”

  I shook my head. “And I guarantee he’s in there trying to sleep with a smart phone under his pillow. He’ll check every alert. Besides, there’s only one apartment farther down the hall than this one. The traffic is probably minimal.”

  Devin nodded. “Know any good ways to bypass it?”

  I shook my head. “Best bet is to wait until nightfall. Take him by surprise when he tries to leave.”

  Devin looked at me blankly. “But he’d be awake…”

  I shrugged. “Obviously.”

  “Awake vampires are more dangerous.”

  “Yes, Mister Obvious.”

  “It’s Captain Obvious.”

  I cocked my head. “Why is he a captain? Does he have a ship or something?”

  Devin shrugged. “I don’t know. But that’s what people say.”

  “Ironic,” I said. “I mean, if he’s the captain of all things obvious, you’d think it would be obvious what he was a captain of. Is he a pirate? Is captain his military rank?”

  “I get the point, as irrelevant as it might be,” Devin said, chuckling. “How does that help us get into this vamp’s apartment?”

  I smiled. “Well isn’t it obvious, Captain?”

  Devin cocked his head. “I don’t want to wait until he’s awake.”

  “Tuck in your shirt,” I said. “One advantage of living in an apartment, if you’re a vampire, is the fact that there’s no sunlight in the hall. If you can’t trick his doorbell, why not get him to answer it?”

  “You want to wake him up?”

  I nodded. “Pretend you’re delivering food and knock on his door.”

  “Wouldn’t it be good to have a pizza on hand or something?”

  I smiled. “We’re talking about a vampire. You are the food.”

  “You’re going to use me as bait?” Devin asked. “I thought I was supposed to be the one in charge here.”

  I shrugged. “All that matters is that the job gets done, right?”

  “Without getting bitten!”

  “He won’t bite you,” I said. “Trust me.”

  “I barely know you, Nick.”

  I nodded. “This isn’t my first hunt, Devin. I’ll be waiting beside the door. I’ll stake him before he even has a chance to touch you.”

  Devin shook his head. “He probably hears our heartbeats already. He’ll know I’m nervous.”

  I shrugged. It was true enough. Vampires could usually hear human hearts thumping away. And a normal food delivery guy wouldn’t have any reason to be nervous simply knocking on someone’s door. “He’ll just think you’re out of shape.”

  “But he’ll see me on his doorbell camera. I’m not out of shape.”

  “You’re overthinking it,” I said. “This guy is still a youngling, right? I mean, maybe he has the craving under control. But he’s still going to be impulsive. If he hears your heart, he’ll find it impossible to resist.”

  “But if he hears yours, he’ll know you’re hiding beside the door. He’ll expect…”

  “He won’t hear my heartbeat,” I said, trying to come up with a reason (other than the fact that I didn’t have a heart) to explain why. “I meditate. I know how to stay calm. And with your heart racing, my slow beats won’t be obvious.”

  “Just so you know,” Devin said, “if we die today…”

  “We’re not going to die, Devin,” I said. “Trust me.”

  “But if we do,” Devin said, “I’ll never forgive you.”

  “If I’m dead,” I said, “I won’t blame you.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “If I don’t look like I’m delivering food,” Devin said, “he won’t bite.”

  I snorted. “Pun intended?”

  Devin winced. “Not at all. But I guess it worked out.”

  I smiled. “Have a Bible in your car?”

  “Of course,” Devin said. “Probably more than one.”

  “Go get the biggest one you have. You’re going to pretend to be a door-to-door evangelist.”

  Devin smiled. “If he thinks that’s why I’m here, he’ll probably pretend he isn’t home. That’s what most people do.”

  “True,” I said. “But in my experience, humans taste the same regardless of their religious beliefs.”

  Devin raised his eyebrow. “In your experience?”

  I winced. I really needed to be more careful with my words. “Not what I meant. I mean, in my experience vampires don’t seem to have any religious preferences when they feed.”

  Devin shook his head. “This is going to be awkward.”

  “Aren’t you a preacher’s kid?” I asked. “How weird can it be?”

  “That’s just it,” Devin said. “Everyone expects shit like that to be right up my alley. Church stuff in general. I’ve always been held to a ridiculous standard. And if I don’t match it, if I don’t fit everyone’s expectations, it makes my dad look bad.”

  I nodded. “So I imagine he was pretty hard on you.”

  “You have no idea,” Devin said. “I’ll just say I’m not much of an evangelist. But I suppose I could ask the vampire, ‘So, do you know where you’d go if you died today?’”

  I laughed out loud. “Wouldn’t that be ironic! But I don’t think it matters what you say. Just try and get him to step outside the door and I’ll be waiting with my crossbow to take the shot.”

  Devin nodded. “Alright. Be right back.” Devin returned a few minutes later with a giant leather Bible in his hands. His name was embossed on the cover in gold-flecked lettering. But it looked pristine.

  “New Bible?”

  Devin shook his head. “Had it since I was thirteen. I haven’t read it much.”

  “And you keep it in your car?”

  Devin shrugged. “Working with the Order, it’s sort of a requirement. Didn’t think impersonating a Jehovah’s Witness was what they had in mind with that rule, but…”

  “Well, you look the part.” I smiled as I loaded my crossbow and took my stance against the wall next to the door to Vampire Chad’s apartment.

  “Dude, I’m so nervous.” Devin made eye contact with me just before he stepped in view of the doorbell camera.

  I lifted my finger to my lips to hush him. Some of those cameras had speakers.

  Devin got the clue and fixed his eyes on the door in front of him. He pr
essed the circular button on the vampire’s doorbell.

  The Westminster Chimes sounded from inside the apartment.

  “Not interested. Can’t be saved. Go away,” a male voice said from the speaker on the doorbell.

  “Sir,” Devin said, “can I just have five minutes? Not even that. Two, maybe? They’ll make me come back again until I’ve had face-to-face contact, and if you’re not interested…”

  “That won’t take two minutes,” the voice, which I presumed belonged to Chad, said.

  “Then ten seconds,” Devin said. “You can sign my little paper that says we spoke.”

  I cocked my head, looking at Devin. A little paper? I sure hoped he had something that would double as such a prop.

  “Just go away. Please…”

  “Sir, I really can’t leave. If I don’t see you now, they’ll just send me back. Or someone else.”

  “You don’t understand…” the vampire said. “Forge the fucking signature and leave.”

  Devin bit his lip. “Sir, that would be lying. And the Bible says…”

  The next thing I knew there was a click and the door to the apartment flew open. Before I could squeeze the trigger, the vampire was on Devin like white on rice.

  I could fire my crossbow, but if it went through him by chance and into Devin…

  Instead, I grabbed a stake from my back pocket and slammed it into the vampire’s back just as he flashed his fangs and went for Devin’s neck.

  The vampire’s body went limp, and he fell to the ground.

  “Holy shit!” Devin said. “That was close. I thought you said…”

  “I didn’t expect him to come out so agitated,” I said. “But I suppose I’ve been visited by Jehovah’s Witnesses before, too. So who can blame him, right?”

  Devin laughed nervously. “I think I almost pissed my pants.”

  I glanced down at his crotch. “Nope, you look dry to me. Let’s drag him back inside and cut out his heart before…”

  “We can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “The Order will take care of that. We just deliver the staked corpse.”

  I bit my lip. “That’s not efficient. We could easily…”

  Devin shook his head. “They believe that if the vampire’s human soul is to be saved, it has to happen in a certain way.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s bullshit.”

  “Maybe,” Devin said. “But it’s how they do things. So far as I know, it goes all the way back to the founding of the Order.”

  “So now we have to carry a body down the stairs, toss it into your car, and hope no one sees us?”

  Devin nodded. “Yeah. But that’s not an insurmountable challenge. We already did the hard part.”

  “True enough,” I said. “And sorry about that.”

  “Sorry?”

  “Yeah, for almost getting you bitten.”

  “Are you kidding?” Devin asked. “It was a rush. And I knew you’d have my back. Or… his back, as the case ended up being.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I had his back good. On the plus side, a stake through the back will make it a bit easier to carry him to the car than if it were in his chest.”

  “Does it really matter?”

  I shrugged as I bent down and heaved the vampire over my shoulders. “The way I carry them, it does.”

  “Holy shit,” Devin said. “I could have helped with that, you know.”

  I smiled. “It’s okay. I work out.”

  “Shouldn’t we wrap him up or something?” Devin asked. “I mean, it’s the middle of the day.”

  “Good point,” I said. “Maybe he has a blanket we can use?”

  Devin nodded, gesturing toward the open door leading into the vampire’s apartment.

  “Ladies first?” I asked, only half-joking. It was the subtlest way I could affirm my femininity, given the situation.

  “Of course,” Devin said, grinning.

  I flopped Chad’s body down on his own couch. He had already turned gray. When a vamp is staked, their bodies don’t totally desiccate. At least not rapidly. They are dead, of course, but their bodies aren’t subject to the same natural decomposition processes as humans.

  “Surely he has a blanket or something,” I said.

  “How about a rug?” Devin glanced toward the ground beneath my feet.

  “Leopard print?” I asked, chuckling to myself. “I suppose the vamp had a sense of style.”

  “If leopard print is really in style.”

  “Honey,” I quipped back, “leopard print is always in style. You just have to know how to work it.”

  Devin cocked his head. “Did you just call me ‘honey?’”

  I raised an eyebrow. If I had blood in my body and was capable of blushing, I probably would have. I didn’t even realize I’d said it. I scratched my head in awkward silence until I looked up at Devin and he was smiling wide. And from the look in his eyes, I could tell he didn’t mind it at all.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “So, what is this ritual exactly?” I asked. “I mean, I’m a bit curious how they think a vampire’s soul can be redeemed.”

  Devin shrugged as he drove, both hands on the wheel at two and ten o’clock. I suppose when you have a body wrapped up in a rug in the back seat, you want to be extra careful to follow all the rules of the road. A routine pull-over for a minor traffic violation could turn south quickly. And it was about an hour’s drive between the city and the church. Inconvenient, considering once we were done I’d have to turn right back around again to go home.

  “I don’t have any clue,” Devin said.

  “Aren’t you a part of the Order?”

  “Yes and no,” Devin said. “I mean, I am. But I haven’t been initiated yet into the inner circle.”

  “There’s an inner circle?”

  Devin nodded. “My father’s a part of it. Mina and the other ladies, too.”

  “And why aren’t you?”

  “They haven’t invited me yet,” Devin said. “To be considered, you need to successfully complete what they’d deem a ‘notable hunt.’”

  “So Chad here isn’t notable enough for them?”

  Devin shook his head. “They have a most-wanted list—the most notorious witches and vamps. Take one of them out and you’re automatically brought to a vote for consideration.”

  I bit my lip. “Notorious witches and vamps? How do we get a contract for one of those?”

  Devin shrugged. “First, they need to have actionable intelligence on the target’s whereabouts. Second, the handler has to be convinced that you’ve demonstrated the capacity to complete the job.”

  “The handler?” I asked, looking at Devin even as he glanced at me before fixing his eyes back on the road.

  “Mina,” Devin said. “She’s the handler.”

  I snorted. “Not exactly the sort I’d expect.”

  “Because she’s an old woman?” Devin asked. “She’s been a part of the Order since she was a little girl. From what I’ve heard, she was initiated into the inner circle at thirteen.”

  I cocked my head. “She killed a notable vampire at thirteen?”

  “A witch, I believe,” Devin said. “And more than one. Apparently she stumbled across a whole coven. They were a group of her friends in school.”

  “And she killed her own friends?”

  Devin nodded. “Can you imagine? Apparently she took them all out. Burned every last one of them.”

  “And she never got investigated?”

  “I really don’t know,” Devin said. “I imagine she was questioned about it. But a thirteen-year-old crying because she just lost her friends probably doesn’t rise to the top of a list of suspects. Not to mention she’d locked them all in her own house.”

  “She locked them in?”

  “Turned the locks around on the door,” Devin said. “Fire burned so hot there wasn’t any door left. And I suppose arson investigations weren’t as common back then.”

  “H
ow do you know about this?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t think a crime like that has a statute of limitations. I can’t imagine these details are exactly common knowledge.”

  Devin shook his head. “My father. Probably wasn’t supposed to tell me the story. He gave it to me as an example. Something to aspire toward…”

  I bit my lip. It was hard to believe that anyone would see such a slaughter as exemplary. Not that I didn’t have a lot of bodies in my past, but I was just acting according to my nature… I had to eat. This was pure hate. A zealous elimination of other people, and one’s friends, no less, based on some backward idea that all witches deserved to die. I mean, it must’ve happened at least sixty years ago based on Mina’s current age. But it had still happened recently, relatively speaking. Far removed from the seventeenth-century witch trials.

  “How was that supposed to inspire you?” I asked. “An example of her methods?”

  “Sort of.” Devin shook his head. “But more than that, her willingness to eliminate even those she thought were here friends. To follow the path of righteousness, my father insists, we must be willing to hate even our own friends and family for the sake of holiness. If that means burning our own friends—even our own family—as witches, or staking them if they become vamps… that’s what it takes.”

  I took a deep breath. “Do you think you have what it takes?”

  Devin shook his head. “I really don’t know.”

  “Well,” I said, “I don’t have any family to speak of. Long story. But I do have friends. And I can’t imagine… I mean, no matter what they became, I’d do anything to save them.”

  Devin nodded. “And that’s exactly what the Order believes they’re doing when they burn a witch or stake a vamp. They consider it an act of mercy.”

  I pressed my lips together. “Do you agree with that?”

  Devin sighed. “I’d be foolish to say I don’t. Because if I admitted that, I couldn’t get into the inner circle. But…”

  “I’m sure there are a lot of things you’re afraid to admit,” I said. “For fear of being judged. Excluded.”

  Devin nodded. I could see tears welling up in his eyes, but he was trying to hold it back. “Damnit, why am I telling you all this? We barely know each other.”

 

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