by Nikki Ash
As we’re walking past her grandparents’ house, Liz comes barreling down the sidewalk with Cooper following after. “I knew that was you!” She pulls Micaela into a hug first and then me. “We just got in and were getting settled. We were about to head over to see the baby.”
Cooper and Liz are best friends with my parents, so I practically grew up here. They now live half the year in Florida since they’re retired, but they must’ve come back early when they heard Micaela had her baby.
“Congratulations,” Cooper says, shaking my hand and then hugging his granddaughter.
“Thank you.”
“Come inside,” Liz insists. “It’s too cold out here for the baby.”
Micaela wheels the stroller to the front door and then Liz pulls him out, carrying him inside while giving him kisses and commenting how adorable he is.
We spend a little while with them, until RJ gets cranky, and then Micaela tells them she’s going to feed him at home so she can lay him down afterward. After we say our goodbyes, we head back to Micaela’s place. Shockingly, she invites me inside. We spend the rest of the day together, watching TV and taking turns holding RJ. When dinner rolls around, Bella invites me to stay, so I do, but only after asking Micaela if it’s okay. After I’ve helped with the dishes, before Micaela can push me out the door, I leave on my own.
“Text or call if you need anything,” I say to Micaela, handing her back RJ.
I can tell she’s warring with herself, unsure if she should ask me to stay, but I’m not going to put her in that position. Whatever the reason she pushed me away, she’s still not ready to discuss it yet. Besides, going for that walk with her made me think… and now I have some things I need to take care of before I leave.
“Good night,” I murmur, my lips close to her ear.
She visibly shivers, telling me all I need to know. She still wants me… She just needs time.
Micaela
I wake up, but delay opening my eyes, already dreading the day before it even begins. December twenty-fifth. Christmas. Also known as the day I lost my husband. It’s also my son’s first Christmas, so I take a deep breath and open my eyes, determined to make it a good day. But before I can do that, I need to do something first…
It’s still dark out. Only five in the morning. When we were little, we would wake up before the sun would come up, excited to open presents, but now that everyone is older, we sleep in a little. After feeding RJ, we head out. The ride to the cemetery is short. Ian was buried locally since his entire family lives here. When I arrive, I take him out. My stroller is too big for the trunk of my car and I’m not supposed to carry the heavy car seat yet. RJ is half asleep, so I lay him out on a blanket next to me in front of Ian’s grave.
“Two years.” I stare at the headstone until the tears blur my vision. “I miss you so much.” I clutch my hand to my heart and focus on calming my breathing. I have to drive home, so I can’t get too worked up.
“The last time I was here I didn’t even know I was pregnant. Now, I’m a mom.” I lift RJ up and give him a kiss on his forehead. He snuggles into my chest and I welcome it, needing the comfort and warmth he brings to my heart. “His name is Ryan Alejandro Cruz Junior. He’s named after Ryan and my dad.”
I try so hard to control my sobs, but I can’t stop them. I’m so torn. I miss my husband more than anything, but I also know that had he still been alive I wouldn’t have RJ. It’s such a complicated thing to think about. I guess when it comes down to it, I have to look at it like from the darkness of losing Ian—something that was out of my control—a light shone through, and that light was Ryan, and in turn, came RJ.
“I never planned to be a mom so young,” I continue. “But he’s quickly become my entire world. He’s filled so many of the holes you created in my heart when you died.”
I hold RJ tight, crying into his side. I used to dread crying because it symbolized me not moving forward, but now, it feels therapeutic. As if I’m cleansing my heart and making room in it for RJ.
“Ryan leaves next week.” I take a deep breath. “I’m not sure if I should even talk to you about him, but I don’t know who else to talk to, who would understand like you do. He’s in the military. On a deployment in Afghanistan, but he came home for two weeks. He asked me to marry him.” The tears continue to fall, so I set RJ down, not wanting to disturb his sleep. He’s swaddled tightly, so he’s nice and warm.
“I can’t do it,” I tell Ian. “Losing you was so damn hard. I can’t even imagine what losing Ryan would do to me. I want to be strong for him like I was for you when you left for training, but I was naïve back then. I didn’t fully comprehend the risks. Now that I’ve lost you, I get it, and I just can’t bring myself to put my heart out there again. I have to be strong for RJ. He needs me to be strong.”
“Oh, Micaela.” A feminine voice comes from behind and I jolt up to find Ian’s mom standing behind me.
“Mrs. Anderson.”
“Oh, dear, please call me Jeanine. We’re still family.” She envelops me in a hug. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
“And who’s this little guy?” she asks, once we pull apart.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
“Stop.” She pats my cheek. “I didn’t mean to overhear, but I heard you talking to Ian when I was walking up. It’s okay.”
“This is RJ.” I kneel next to my son, and Jeanine does the same. “He’s only a week old.”
Tears prick her eyes. “He’s beautiful. And from what I heard, his father is serving overseas.”
“Yes, he’s in the military.”
“Ian’s dad was a SEAL for thirty years. His grandfather was one for thirty-five.”
“Ian was following in their footsteps,” I say, unsure where she’s going with this.
“They’re both still alive.” She raises a single brow and I get it… I don’t like it, but I get it.
“Life is crazy, sweetheart. We never know what today or tomorrow will hold. All we can do is live right now, in the moment, like it’s all we have.”
“I know, but it’s hard. It’s one thing to live life to the fullest, but it’s another to know the man I’m considering giving what’s left of my heart to is purposely going out and risking his life.”
“I know right now your heart is aching. Even after two years, it still hurts. And I can’t speak for Ian, but he loved you so much, and if I had to guess, I would like to think he would be so happy to know you’ve moved forward. You’re so strong, Micaela. You stood by Ian’s side and supported his dreams until his very last breath. But you still have so much love left to give.”
She leans over and kisses my forehead. “Please don’t be a stranger. I would love to spend time with you and that handsome baby.”
“Okay.” I pick up RJ and stand. “I’ll give you two some privacy.”
I press two fingers to my lips and then place them on the top of Ian’s headstone. “Merry Christmas, baby.”
“Merry Christmas!” Mom says, pulling me into a hug, before taking RJ from me so she can give him some morning love. She does it every morning when I come down to eat breakfast before she heads out for the day.
“Merry Christmas, sweetie,” Dad says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
I glance over and see Liam and Liza are already sitting on the couch waiting to open their presents. Liam most likely doesn’t believe in Santa anymore, but he hasn’t confirmed it, so Mom insisted on playing along just in case. She said it’s more fun when they come from Santa anyway.
“Sorry I made you guys wait. I went to the cemetery and ran into Ian’s mom.”
“We all just woke up,” Dad says, handing me a cup of hot cocoa filled to the brim with marshmallows, while Mom hands RJ to Liza, who immediately goes about giving RJ tons of kisses.
“Did you have a good visit?” Dad asks.
“Yeah, I introduced him to RJ.”
If what I said sounds crazy, n
obody mentions it.
“That’s good.” Dad squeezes my shoulder and has a seat next to Liza on the couch.
“I love you.” Mom kisses my cheek then sits next to Liam on the love seat.
I have a seat on the other side of Liza, so I’m close to RJ in case he wakes up hungry.
“Since Micaela is home, can we open presents?” Liam asks, bouncing in his seat.
Since RJ is too young, I didn’t buy him anything. Between the baby shower Lexi and Georgia threw me and my parents spoiling their first grandchild, he has everything he could need, and more. Of course, as I glance at the gifts, I notice his name is on several things. It shouldn’t surprise me, though. My parents, especially my mom, love spoiling us. Christmas is my mom’s favorite holiday and she always goes all out.
“As soon as your grandparents get here,” Mom says.
“Are Grandma and Grandpa Michaels coming over?” Liza asks.
“They’ll be here for New Year’s,” Dad says. “They’re still in Elko visiting your aunt Mackenzie.” Dad’s sister moved to Elko for a job promotion a few years ago, so Grandma and Grandpa bounce back and forth between our family and hers for the different holidays. Since we usually go to Breckenridge for Christmas, we’re usually all together, but I couldn’t go this year, so they went to her house thinking I wouldn’t give birth until afterward, only RJ came early. I’ve been texting them pictures every day, and Grandma Hayley is dying to finally meet RJ.
“Is Uncle Nathan in town?” Liza asks, referring to Mom’s brother.
“Nope,” Mom says. “He’s still traveling all over the globe.” She rolls her eyes playfully. Uncle Nathan created an app and sold it to some company for a bunch of money. It set him up for life, and instead of using it to start a career, he’s been traveling all over the world having the time of his life.
“But Aunt Lilly and Uncle Sean will be at your grandparents’ for dinner,” Mom adds.
“Yes!” Liam says. “I can’t wait to show Shane my new games.” Shane is Aunt Lilly and Uncle Sean’s son. He and Liam are only six months apart and best friends. Both total gaming nerds.
“Who said you’re getting any games?” Dad laughs.
“Because I asked Santa for them, and I was totally good this year.” Liam shrugs like it’s a given he’ll be getting what he asked for.
“Define good,” Dad says, leaning over and ruffling Liam’s hair.
“Merry Christmas!” Grandpa says, walking through the door with Grandma following behind. They’re carrying stacks of presents. Dad stands and grabs them from them, setting them on the table.
The adults talk and catch up for a few minutes, so I take a moment to text Ryan Merry Christmas. I include a picture of RJ in his adorable Christmas pajamas that I took earlier this morning when I put them on him. We discussed him coming over after he spends the morning with his family. His sisters both have kids and Bentley makes breakfast every year. I bought RJ this super cute Santa outfit and want to get some pictures of him under the tree later. It’s crazy this is his first Christmas. Not that he’ll even remember it, but I want to still have photographic proof of it for him to look at when he’s older. Ryan texts back Merry Christmas and says he’ll be over when they’re done there.
The morning is spent with everyone opening their gifts—Liam, of course, got all the games he asked for. Liza got tons of clothes and shoes and makeup and her first cell phone since she’s now in high school. Mom and Dad got me a gift card to the baby store and a gift certificate to the spa. Everyone got RJ cute clothes and toys. My brother, sister, and I all pitched in and paid for our parents to go on a cruise—since none of us are working, Grandma and Grandpa pitched in as well.
After opening presents and having breakfast, Ryan shows up carrying a single wrapped present under his arm.
“For you,” he says, setting it on the table and taking RJ from me.
I wasn’t sure if we would be exchanging gifts, but I wanted to give him something. Because we’re at this weird impasse-slash-standstill right now, I wasn’t sure what to get him. I mean, he asked me to marry him, so I know he wants us to be more than friends, but he’s leaving in less than a week, so we’re not together—but we have RJ. So I wanted to give him something that’s meaningful, but isn’t too personal. And I think I found the perfect gift.
“Yours is upstairs. I’ll go grab it.”
“Wait, open yours first,” he insists. “It’s for you and RJ.”
“Okay.” I unwrap the package and open the lid. Inside are a bunch of envelopes. I pick the first one up and open it. Inside is a packet of papers. I read through them, beginning to hyperventilate when I understand what they’re for. Apparently Ryan has been busy this last week…
“Ryan… Tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.”
“Which one did you open?”
“The one that says you bought a goddamn house and need my signature for the deed!” I shriek, dropping the papers to the table like they’re capable of burning me.
Ryan flinches like he’s just been slapped. “Not exactly the reaction I thought you would have.”
“What else did you do?” I open the next envelope and a key falls out. “A car?” I yell. “Have you lost your damn mind?”
I open the next envelope. This one is Ryan’s will. The changes have been highlighted, indicating he’s added RJ and me to it. If something happens to him, RJ gets his insurance policy and trust and I’m the guardian.
At this point, I’m shaking. My hands are literally trembling so badly it’s hard to use them. But there’s still one more envelope. I take a deep breath and open it. A bank account, needing my signature to have me added to it.
I drop the papers and walk away, needing to calm down before I say something I might regret. I don’t even know what to say, to be honest. I go upstairs, ignoring my mom calling my name, and slam my door shut. My eyes land on Ryan’s present, which seems so stupid now. The guy just bought me a fucking car and a house and added me to a bank account that has more zeros than I would even know what to do with. My gift to him cost twenty dollars.
On some level, I should’ve expected this. Ryan comes from a very wealthy family—old money, as I heard my parents call it. While they don’t act like it, they’re loaded. Ryan and his siblings each received a huge trust fund from their grandparents, and I heard none of them have to work. His sisters, Chloe and Faith, used their trust to open a cute boutique downtown called A Clothes Affair, and Ryan joined the military because he wanted to. I guess I was just hoping Ryan wouldn’t try to buy my love. I don’t need or want a house or a car or money. I just want him. Alive and breathing and present.
There’s a knock on the door, and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. “Come in.”
Ryan walks through the door minus RJ. “Your mom has him,” he says, answering my silent question.
“Here’s your present.” I shove it into his chest.
He rips the wrapping paper until it reveals what’s inside: a photo album. Silently, he opens the album and flips through page after page.
“It’s not a house or a car,” I mutter, feeling like an idiot. I took the pictures I had of Ryan and RJ so far and had them printed. I bought an old-school photo album and put them in there, decorating the pages.
When Ryan doesn’t say anything, still flipping through the pages, I add, “I thought you could take it with you, so you have something to look at.” I also included the few pictures I have of us from our week together in California, as well as a few of his family I was able to snag off social media.
He raises his head and his tear-filled eyes lock with mine. “You made this for me?”
“Yeah.” I’m hoping the tears are because he likes it…
“It’s the best fucking gift I’ve ever gotten,” he says, setting it down and pulling me into a hug. He nuzzles his face into my hair, and I wrap my arms around his waist. “I never wanted this,” he says, not letting me go. “The family… the kids… I could never imag
ine having any of it. But now.” He sniffles and holds me tighter. “I want it all, Micaela. With you.”
“Ryan,” I breathe. I can’t do this. Not a week before he’s leaving.
“I know,” he says knowingly. “But I just need you to know that it’s you. You make me want it all. Make me want shit I never wanted before.”
He releases me and backs up. “I know you freaked out over your present…”
“My present?” I squeal. “A present is that.” I point to the photo album. “You set me up for life.”
Ryan doesn’t laugh. “Damn right I did. You and our son. The reason why you won’t be with me is because you lost your husband. I have to leave in a week, but I’m not going until I know that if something happens to me, you and our son are both taken care of. The house is for you to create a life in. It’s the one you pointed out. Only a half mile from your parents. It’s yours to do with as you please, no strings attached. The car is safe and will fit the stroller. You complained your car was too small for it. I want you to be comfortable and safe while you’re driving our son around. The money is so you can focus on taking care of RJ and not have to worry about how to pay for things. I know your parents will help, but RJ isn’t their responsibility. He’s ours. He’s mine. He’s going to need diapers and wipes and clothes… Babies have needs. I know my Christmas present was a little over the top, but I only have a week until I have to leave, and I needed to make sure that when I do, you and RJ will be okay.”
Well, shit, when he puts it like that, he’s not trying to buy my love. He’s trying to make sure we’re taken care of. But what he doesn’t understand is that when Ian died, I didn’t care that I had no money or a house or a new car…
“I appreciate all of that, but all I want is for you to come home safe. No amount of money can bring Ian back, and it can’t bring you back either if something happens to you.”
“No, but it will give me peace of mind to know you are both taken care of while I’m gone, or if, God forbid, something does happen to me. You may not need all of this now, but I need you to know it’s available to you if you ever do need it.”