Hellfire opens my door, Slick’s got Ella’s. When we step out I pull my sweater around me. It seems cold. Colder than Tucson, anyway.
“Come in and meet Moira. She’s looking forward to meeting you.” Hellfire sounds welcoming, but there’s something about his tone that makes me think his joviality is forced.
He unlocks the front door, steps back, and ushers us inside. The house is homey enough, the door leading onto a short hallway, which then opens up into a large family room. Comfortable looking sofas to three sides, a large TV. Double doors lead through to a big kitchen.
“Moira!” Hellfire suddenly booms out; his voice having increased significantly in volume making me jump.
Slick enters the door behind us, he’s got my suitcase in his hand, and his and Ella’s travel bag slung over his shoulder. For want of anything better to do, he just sets them down where he stands.
For someone who’s supposed to be looking forward to us visiting, Moira doesn’t seem very impressed when she enters the room. The look she tosses Hellfire’s way is unreadable, but then a smile, somewhat forced I think, appears on her face as she walks across to us with her hand outstretched. “Slick,” she greets my brother-in-law and then my sister, “Ella.” Now she turns her attention to me. “You must be Jayden. Welcome.”
“Thank you for agreeing she could stay with you,” Ella starts.
Moira waves her off. “No worries. Be good to have some female company. My daughter’s living away from home now. Well, all the kids are.” Her face twitches as though disappointed. “Jayden, would you like to come and see your room?”
“Thank you. Mrs…” My voice falters. I can’t call her Mrs Hellfire, and I have no idea of their legal surname.
“Oh, call me Moira, please. And it’s this way.” She turns and leads the way down a hallway, as behind me, Slick dutifully picks up my suitcase and follows.
“This was Kennedy’s, my daughter’s room. I’m sure you’ll settle in fine.”
It’s a nice room, quite large. I spy a small bathroom off to the side. It’s probably as large as my suite back on the compound, and larger than my bedroom in Slick and Ella’s house. Outside the window I can see views over a desert. “It’s lovely,” I tell her, truthfully.
“Slick, Ella. I’ve put you in the guestroom. It’s just along here if you want to drop off your overnight bag.” She leads them away. I stay in the room that’s been given to me. Wondering how long I’ll be here. I know I won’t be returning to Tucson anytime soon.
“Do you drive?” A deep voice breaks into my reverie. Swinging around, I see Demon. He’d startled me.
“Not yet, no. I’ve got my learner’s permit, but then we had to return to the compound, and I…”
He doesn’t wait for the rest of my irrelevant explanation. “We better get you started. Best if you have a car, then you’ll be able to get yourself around.”
I hadn’t been allowed to be independent back in Tucson. Too much of a risk to go anywhere alone. Getting behind the wheel of a car hadn’t seemed worth it. While I already feel homesick, I start realising there might be benefits to me being well out of the reach of the Herreras. Have a car and be able to do what I want? Have the freedom to just go to the shops? To go to school alone?
I give Demon my first genuine smile since I arrived. “I’ll have to get used to the idea of freedom, here. I couldn’t go anywhere alone back in Arizona.”
He’s leaning against my doorframe, his brow creased. “Fuck. Knew a bit of your story, but hadn’t realised the implications.”
I nod. “Not having someone trying to kidnap me is going to take some getting used to.”
He chuckles, and comes over, ruffling my hair. “You might not be from this chapter, but you’re a Satan’s Devils’ brat all the same. Got a whole club of brothers who’ll look out for you. We’ll keep you safe here.”
I’m curious. “Is it a big chapter?”
He’s happy to answer me. “Thirteen members, well, fourteen now Paladin’s joined. Three prospects.”
I frown, not sure I ought to ask, but I do anyway. “Is it, is it like the Tucson chapter?”
“In what way?”
I shrug. How can I ask if they’re into anything illegal? Tucson wasn’t, and I didn’t want Pal to be mixed up in anything which could get him arrested.
A quick grin comes to his face. “Satan’s Devils have the same rules and regs all over. Wouldn’t keep our charter if we didn’t abide by them. But there’ll probably be a different vibe here. Tucson is quite a family club, here, not so much. Of course, we’ve got different businesses as well. You can come to the clubhouse soon and see for yourself.”
I thank him, grateful the VP has taken time to speak to me. As he leaves me alone, I wonder about Paladin. How long it will take him to get here, what he’ll think of the new chapter he’s joined. Where he’ll work. What he’ll do now his responsibility for babysitting me has been removed. What I’ll do without him. I’ve been so used to him being my shadow, I miss him already. But, perhaps this is what I need. Some space. To get my feelings straight in my head.
I heft the heavy case onto the bed, open it, and start to unpack.
I’d been raped when I was a young teenager. Multiple times by multiple men. Made to believe I had to let them use my body, keeping my secret because of threats to my mom. They’d burn down her house with her in it. When Paladin, nah, I know better now. When the Devils had rescued me, I’d had a lot of experience of sex and men’s sexual desires. Therapy had helped me deal with it, and at first I’d thought Paladin would want payment for his friendship in the same way. Didn’t all men want that?
Then, after feeling rejected, I was pleased he’d be my friend without any expectations. I couldn’t say I went back to playing with dolls, but I did regain the teenager inside which had been taken away from me. Now I’m sixteen, I’ve started to think about men, boys, once again. Curious to know what being someone’s girlfriend would be like, but my imagination doesn’t take me very far. My therapist had explained, in time I’d start to feel desires natural to a young woman. So far, I haven’t. I’ve started to believe something is wrong with me. Something those men had taken, more than my innocence and youth. A chance to ever be normal.
Paladin, Slick, El, everyone. They all expect Pal and I to get together. That’s all I’ve longed for, always considering him mine. That’s why he came with me, the promise of a future. But would I ever be able to enter into a proper adult relationship? Were the dreams I once had just those of a child?
Closing one drawer, I open another.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, El. Just getting settled in.”
“Moira seems nice.” As my sister gives her seal of approval, she comes across and sits on the bed, watching me unpack.
“Uh huh.” I give a non-committal comment. I won’t pronounce judgement on Moira until I’ve lived here a few days. Weeks perhaps. How long does it take to really know someone?
“Demon had a word. Said I need a car.”
“He just said the same thing to Slick. How do you feel about that, Jayden?”
A genuine smile grows on my face. “I love the idea, El. Oh, I know it will take a while, but to be able to go where I want to, when I want? That sounds amazing.” I notice her face dropping. Shoving the last of my underwear into the spot I’d reserved for it, I go across to her. “What’s up, Ella?”
Her head shakes slowly. “We were doing our best for you. Keeping you safe and out of danger. I’d lost sight that we were smothering you too. Now you’ve got to learn independence without me being here to help.”
“You did what you had to,” I reply, firmly. “And there’s the phone, and FaceTime El. We’ll speak every day.”
She nods. “Just so you know, Slick’s going to give Demon the money for a car. He’ll sort it out for you. I’m sure Paladin will help you learn to drive.”
Slick’s been good to me. Treated me like a daughter in many ways. Never made me feel a
burden. Part of me thinks though, with their baby on the way, he and my sister deserve to have some alone time, without worrying about me every minute. Even if I’ve got doubts, I’ve got to consider them. This is the best thing all around.
There’s an undercurrent at dinner. Slick and Ella don’t seem to pick up on it, but I do. There’s something not quite right between Hellfire and his wife, or their son. It’s not that anything’s said, the opposite in fact. It’s more what’s not said. Oh, they talk about the area, what the town’s like, about the school I’ll be enrolled in, but not until after the summer break as there’s no point just going for a couple of weeks now.
They’re polite to Slick and Ella, friendly to me. But to each other? I feel I’ve stepped into a soap opera steeped in family drama.
When my phone pings with a text from Paladin telling me he’s arrived safe, I smile to myself, determined to reply later. As I watch the show play out around me, I realise how much I miss him. When Slick and El leave in the morning, I’m going to be all alone.
Just before I go to sleep, I remember I haven’t replied to Paladin. I type a quick message to Paladin, hoping we’ll can have a conversation. But my phone stays quiet. My lifeline seems a million miles away.
There’s not been a day I haven’t been close to Paladin.
Chapter 15
Moira
“Well, that seemed to go alright.”
I watch Hellfire sliding out of his cut, placing it carefully on a chair, and then his hands going to the back of his neck and begin to rip his tee over his head. “You think?” I snarl. “And just what do you think you’re fucking doing?”
He pauses, mid-action, his hand comically frozen halfway over his head with a handful of material bunched in it. “I’m coming to bed.”
“You sleep at the club.”
He releases his hold on the shirt, and comes over to where I’m already snuggled under the sheets. “I do sleep at the club. When it’s more convenient. But this is my home, and my place is here with you.” He stares at me, I stare back. Until I can no longer meet those intense eyes. The ones that used to watch me with such longing, with such hunger. “You’re saying I’m not welcome in my own bed? What the fuck, Mo?”
I don’t want him here if my suspicions are right, and he’s normally warming someone else’s sheets instead. But I also don’t have the nerve to come out and ask him. My suspicions are bad enough. Having them confirmed, I’d have no choice but to leave him. Whatever his faults, he’s still the one that makes my heart beat fast, I still love him. Whether I could turn that emotion off if I knew for sure he was unfaithful, I’ve no idea. I just wouldn’t be able to be anywhere near him.
Instead of answering, I turn over, keeping well to my side. From the sounds, I know he’s removing the rest of his clothes.
When he talks next, he returns to the first topic. “Jayden seems a sweet girl. Polite. Mature for her age.”
“Given her background that’s hardly surprising.” I’m sniping at him, but I can’t stop myself.
A pause before he replies, “No, I suppose not.”
I feel the bed dipping. A familiar sensation that makes me realise how much I missed it. “Tried to make her, and her family feel welcome.”
“You don’t think we did that?” His voice sounds confused.
“Hell, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife around that table. You’d have to be blind and deaf not to see there was something wrong.”
“Not sure I understand what you’re getting at Mo…”
I sit up fast, pulling the sheet around me. Wishing I’d put on a nightie, but I’d reckoned on sleeping alone. “So, our son has just found out you’re actually his brother and not the father he always believed you to be. He’s having difficulty coming to terms with that for some unknown reason,” I scoff. Then huff, “And as for you and I…”
His hand snakes out, grabbing onto my arm. “You and I… what, Mo?”
Reaching for my discarded robe, I pull it around me. When I’m decent, I stand, and turn, my eyes blazing. “You’re gone more than you’re here, Hell. And when you are here, you want nothing to do with me.” Tears prick at my eyes. The confrontation I wanted to avoid is steaming down on me like a freight train. It’s all my fault, I should have kept my mouth shut. Now I’ve got to face it head-on.
His head has rolled back onto the pillow. His eyes seem focused on a spot above my head. Taking in a deep breath, he sighs deeply. “It’s not what you think, Mo.”
“And what do I think, Hell?” I throw back at him. “I’ll tell you what I think. What I know. You don’t want me. You. The man with the huge sexual appetite. You haven’t wanted me for months. If you’re not getting it from me, you’re getting it somewhere else.” I reach into my pocket and pull out a tissue, blowing my nose and dabbing at my eyes.
Hell sits up fast. His naked chest taunting me. He might have aged, but I still find him as attractive as the day I married him. “I’ve not been cheating on you, Mo. I wouldn’t, couldn’t…”
I don’t believe him. “I can’t even blame you. I’ve lost any attractiveness I ever had. You married a fit young girl, you’ve ended up with an old woman. You just don’t desire me anymore.” It’s only when he shushes me, I realise how loud my voice has become. Although our visitors are down the hallway, I wouldn’t want them to hear this particular discussion. Not when it’s leading to the end of everything I ever wanted. A good marriage with my man.
“Mo, come here.” He holds out his arms. I want nothing more than to be enfolded within them. To seek the security and reassurance I need.
But I have to be strong. Now we’ve started, we’ve got to let this conversation reach its conclusion. I’ve been walking a tightrope for far too long, desperately trying to keep my balance to stop me from falling.
Seeing I’m not making a move toward him, he breathes out deeply, then says in his low, gravelly voice, “Mo. I’ve not been cheating on you. And I still find you attractive. Fuck woman, never in all the years of our marriage have I looked at anyone else.”
The one thing Hell’s always been is honest. Even when he’s telling me something he knows I won’t like. But there’s part of me, a big part, that for the first time since the day we said our wedding vows, can’t credit him with telling the truth.
He shakes his head and gives a pointed look toward the hallway. “At least come closer. I don’t want to have to shout for this conversation.”
I’m torn between leaving the bedroom and going to sleep on the sofa, or staying to listen to what I don’t want to hear. Sleep? Who am I kidding? Wherever I am, I won’t sleep a wink after this. Straightening my back a little, wondering what I can do to prepare myself to hear the words, I’m leaving you, realising fast, there’s nothing I can do to be ready for that. But I do agree. What we need to discuss isn’t for visitors’ ears.
I return to the bed, perching on my side, my back turned toward him so he won’t see the tears in my eyes.
He moves fast, his strong arms imprisoning me. His words, quietly spoken, direct into my ear. “I love you. I’m not leaving you. I’m not cheating on you. Fuck, woman. How could you think it? How could you imagine I don’t find you desirable anymore?”
I wait. In times past, he’d have proved it. Have taken my hand and placed it on his thick, hard and ready cock, before throwing me down and sinking into me. He does nothing of the kind.
“Babe, darlin’. Oh, Mo. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“That’s what they all fucking say.” I huff out. Christ, what a cliché to come out of the mouth of my man.
He snorts. “Yeah, that came out wrong. But it’s true, Mo. I’ve been trying to deal, trying to understand, hoping it would get better. But it really is me.” He breaks off, I feel his body tense. Something tells me what he says next is going to be significant. I wait. He doesn’t disappoint. “There’s no way I can get it up anymore unless I swallow a little blue pill.”
Wait a freaking minute. What did he
just say? “Hell…?”
I don’t know what expression I put into that one word, his name with the inflection that turned it into a question, but suddenly his arms leave me. He throws back the sheets, slides off his side of the bed, and stomps around to stand in front of me. Raising my eyes I see him in all his tattooed glory. He stands, one hand on his very limp dick. He’s tugging it.
“See? It’s dead as a fuckin’ dodo. No life in it anymore. Doesn’t matter if it’s you, or anyone. Not that I’ve tried,” he puts in the last quickly, “but the live porn in the clubhouse doesn’t make it stir. Nor our best strippers on the fuckin’ pole.” He drops his hands away. His dick, even limp, is impressive. “I don’t even get mornin’ wood anymore.”
Tentatively I reach out my hand. At first he steps back, then, with an exaggerated sigh, he moves forward again, allowing me to touch it. It doesn’t twitch. Just hangs there. The cock which used to reach proudly and point up toward his stomach. Idly I notice just how grey his pubic hair has become. He’s getting old. He’s not the only one.
I sink to my knees, kiss him, there, then move my mouth over his cock. Nothing.
Grasping my hair lightly, he moves my head away, then he’s on his knees beside me. “Have you any fuckin’ idea what a failure this makes me feel? What a sorry excuse for a man?”
“You’re still all man.” I tell him, trying to push my own feelings aside. Despite him telling me otherwise, I still feel this must be some fault of my own. “Perhaps if I was still younger…”
“Woman, stop that. Ain’t got fuck all to do with you. It’s me.” His hand moves under my chin, gripping it gently, forcing me to look him in the eyes. “Up here,” he taps his head, “I still find you as attractive as I ever have. It’s just my darn cock is broke. What kind of man can’t service his woman?” His eyes close briefly, then open again. “I’ve been scared to tell you. That’s why I’ve been hidin’ out at the club. I couldn’t face you. I can’t give you what you need. I’ve been so scared you’d leave me.”
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