by Emily N. Kay
He lets out a snort and looks at me with disbelief. “I will never understand you, Alice.”
I shrug, then I check the time on my phone. “Well, I’m sad to say our time is up, Mr. Chase. I’m sorry your friend took all of your paid time, but there will be no compensation.” I flash him a smile. “I’ll see you in class.” I get up and head for the door.
“Alice,” he calls after me, standing up.
I turn to face him, tilting my head questioningly.
Nick clears his throat. “Nothing. See you in class.” He then walks over to the sink and starts washing the dishes, his back turned.
Chapter 16
“I think she already gave up,” Zoe whispers to me, looking at Maria who has been unusually quiet in class today.
“On Mr. Chase?” I whisper back.
Zoe nods. “I thought she’d last longer. But then I guess Mr. Chase doesn’t do hook-ups with students.” She giggles.
I force out a laugh.
“Anyway, I heard she and Carter are a thing now.”
“Surprise, surprise,” I say in my throat. Carter and Maria––the golden couple. I can already picture them together as Prom King and Prom Queen.
When class is over, Leo walks up to us, slinging his arm across Zoe’s waist. “Hey, babe.” Then he turns to me. “Yo, Jacob is outside waiting for you.”
I widen my eyes. “What? Why?”
Leo shrugs, grinning. “How should I know?”
“Go see him!” Zoe pushes me. “Oh my Gosh! He’s asking you out for sure.”
I start to panic. I thought I was safe when it seemed like he’s been avoiding me for the past week. What do I do if he asks me out? I only like him as friends. This time, it’s not my defense mechanism talking. I am positive I don’t want to go out with Jacob Weiler.
While I’m gathering my stuff, I take a glance at Nick. He is preoccupied with something on the computer, but I know he heard all of it.
Jacob waves at me with an anxious smile when I greet him outside. “Hey.”
I give him a dry smile in return. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Uh, so…” he begins, a blush creeping up his neck, “I’m sorry I kind of… disappeared after our date.”
“Oh, no worries. It’s all good.”
He blinks at me, unsure of what to say next. “I was just… I had this feeling that you didn’t like me the same way.” He pauses, daring to meet my gaze. “And I was afraid to say anything.”
I look at him. Is he really doing this? Asking me out?
As I’m still finding my voice, Jacob speaks first, “So if… if I want to ask you out again, would you be okay with that? This time, um, just the two of us,” he stammers, expectantly waiting for my reply.
I hold my breath before letting it out in a long sigh. “Jacob, I––”
Jacob gives me an understanding look. “It’s okay, Alice. I saw this coming.” And the way he looks at me––it breaks my heart. Isn’t this what I’ve always wanted? Someone to look at me this way…
“I’m sorry,” is all I can say to him. “You are a really nice guy, Jacob. Any girl would be lucky to date you.”
“But not you?”
I press my lips tightly, not knowing how to respond.
He brushes it off with a light voice. “It’s fine. I get it. Zoe warned me this might happen, so I guess I was kind of prepared.”
“I’m really sorry…”
A corner of his mouth twitches. “I knew I never really had a chance with you, but I’m glad that at least I’d tried.” He holds my gaze. “Hey, you’re amazing, Alice.”
“No, I’m not,” I say quietly.
“You’re amazing,” he says again with a small grin. “And not just because you’re pretty. I just need you to know that.”
I look at him, and all I see is his sincerity, and his affection for me. Gone is the shy Jacob Weiler when he couldn’t even bring himself to look at me. Now he is just a sweet guy––who is being rejected by the dumbest girl.
Why? Why can’t I just like Jacob the way he likes me? Things would be so much simpler. If Jacob was to be my boyfriend, I would get my happy ending.
“I’m curious about one thing though…” Jacob suddenly says.
“Yes?”
“Is there another guy? The one you like, I mean.”
I consider this, and the only person that flashes on my mind is Nick… Just because he’s the only guy I’ve been interacting with. But I don’t like him like that.
I’m sure I don’t…
“Don’t be mad,” I tell Zoe, who is lying on my bed looking through her phone without a single word to me after I’ve told her what happened with Jacob.
“I’m not mad,” she says, without looking at me. “I just feel sorry for him.”
“You think I don’t feel bad?” I throw myself on the bed next to her. “It was so hard––seeing him like that.”
Zoe finally glances at me. “I swear I’m not mad at you, but I seriously thought that it was going to work out. I’m just… disappointed.” She purses her lip.
“Me too…” I say, silently cursing myself. “Zoe, when did you know you’re in love with Leo? I mean how did you know?”
She looks at me, surprised. “Where did that come from?”
“I’m just curious.”
She seems to think about it. “Well,” she begins, looking out the window, her eyes dreamy. “I just knew. I knew that I wanted to be near him all the time. When I’m with him, I get these butterflies in my stomach…” She pauses and chuckles. “That sounds stupid. And cliché.”
“No, it’s not. Carry on,” I urge.
“And I guess I knew because––even when we only talk for a minute––it would literally make my whole day. I couldn’t stop smiling. And when I wasn’t with him, I’d think about him. It’s almost like everything I do, everything I see, my mind would always find a way to link it back to him. It’s so exhausting.” She laughs and blushes just like a girl in love.
I smile watching her blush. “And you still feel that way about him now? After all these years?”
“Yes.” She bites her bottom lip, clearly embarrassed. “Please don’t tell Leo I said all that.”
I laugh. “I won’t.”
Zoe flips up on her stomach and looks at me meaningfully. “Hey, we should talk about something else.”
I grin, relieved that Zoe is not mad at me anymore. “Like what?”
“Like…” She gives me a knowing look.
“What?”
“Oh, come on! You rarely talk about your clients anymore. And every time I ask you, you act all weird and you never answer. I need an update.”
I quickly try to come up with an answer to that. I’ve been avoiding the escort topic with Zoe every time she brought it up. What am I supposed to say? That our Mr. Chase is now my regular “client”? I can’t tell her the truth. She is going to freak out, like how Tyler did when Nick told him.
“There’s really nothing. These guys are like prototypes. They’re all the same. There’s just nothing worth talking about anymore,” I lie, laughing carelessly.
Zoe looks at me, narrowing her eyes like she can see through my every lie. But she just nods and says nothing more.
As we are about to start working on our papers for Nick’s class, Zoe says, “I don’t think Mr. Chase is really fair.”
I turn my head, trying not to look too interested when talking about him. “Oh yeah? Why?”
“After the first assignment, he always gives me a B, sometimes a C+ for my papers. And I followed his rubric very strictly. I don’t know what I have to do to get an A! Should I start seducing him like Maria?” I know she is joking but it makes me feel uncomfortable.
“I got an A for my last paper though. Surprisingly,” I tell her.
And now that I’ve said it, I start to wonder whether it’s a privilege for holding his secret or did I really do a good job.
“I think you should go talk to him,” I suggest.
>
“Yeah, maybe I should.”
After a short while, there is a knock on my door, and my mom walks in. “Oh, hello. Good to see you, Zoe.” She smiles sweetly at Zoe. Then she turns to me, a scrunched-up, gray sweater in her fist. “Alice, whose sweater is this?”
Nick’s sweater. Shit! Why the hell did I leave it out in the open where my mom could find it?
I open my mouth, “Um, it’s one of––”
“Oh, that must be Leo’s,” Zoe jumps in. “I’m sorry, I borrowed it from him the other day and I must have left it here.”
I glare at my friend trying to defend me without knowing the real story, and I nod in agreement. “Yes, that’s right.”
Still, Mom doesn’t seem convinced. She looks between us suspiciously. “Alice, you know you can tell me when there is a boy, right?”
I laugh out loud. “Mom! You know you would be the first to know if there is any.”
“All right,” she says, finally given in. “Tell me if you girls need anything.”
“We will. Thanks, Mom.”
When my mom is gone, Zoe rushes to my side and glowers at me. “That was close.”
I furrow my brow in confusion. How does she know about the sweater…?
Then I realize––she must be thinking that the sweater belongs to one of my clients.
I exhale with relief and give her a grateful smile. “You’re my savior.”
Chapter 17
“So, how did it go?” Nick speaks as he finishes his plate of home-cooked pesto pasta (yes, he can cook).
“What?” I ask while wiping my mouth with a napkin.
Nick gives me a raised eyebrow, as if I should know what he’s talking about. “Your date with the guy. Is Jake his name? I heard he’s a class president.”
I let out a laugh. “Now you’re stalking me at school?” Then I add, “And his name is Jacob, not Jake.”
“Right. Jacob.” He scratches his ear. “I overheard, actually.”
I figured. I gulp down some water. “Well, he asked me out.”
“And?” He perks up with interest.
“But I turned him down.” My heart sinks just by thinking of Jacob’s face that day.
“Okay…” he says slowly. “Can I ask why?”
“Because I don’t––” I sigh. “I don’t feel the same way he does, and I don’t want to get his hopes up.”
“But you didn’t even give the guy a chance. How can you be so sure?”
I look up the ceiling, exasperated. “Not this again.” He sounds just like Leo and Zoe. “I mean, it’s not about giving him a chance or whatever. It’s more like––how I don’t want to dive into a relationship based on a lie.”
“A lie…”
“Yes. It’s like taking a chance on breaking someone’s heart just because you can’t get your shit together,” I say. “If I give him a chance, it’d be like… making him my experimental case or something. I can’t do that to him. Or anyone.” I go on, “You know, my friends think that I won’t ever find a guy as good as Jacob, that I’ve missed my chance. But don’t you think it’s selfish to be with someone, just because you feel like you have to? Even when the feelings are not… there?”
Nick is quiet at that. He seems to think about what I said. “You’re saying––if the feelings are not mutual from the start, then it’s better to just call it quit?”
I simply nod. “Yeah.”
“Huh,” he says, thoughtful. “Have you ever liked anyone before?”
“Of course I have. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m a woman too.” I frown.
Nick chuckles. “I mean, have you liked anyone enough?” His lips curve into a soft smile.
“Enough to what––fight for them?” I cringe at how cheesy it sounds.
“Basically,” he says. “And it seems to me that you haven’t found that person yet.”
“Maybe I have…”
Nick stares at me quizzically.
“I mean, I’ve had crushes. But I never really let anything happen.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know… Before I even let myself feel something, it just doesn’t feel right anymore.” I pause, taking in his confused expression. “I know, it’s a problem, and I need to fix it.”
“And how do you think you will fix it?”
“I don’t know,” I say honestly, more to myself than to him. “I guess I’m just hoping that I would find someone that I like enough to get over this. I was ready to do that with Jacob. I thought I could return the feelings…” I swallow. “But I guess not.”
“You will,” Nick says. “Find someone.” He looks into my eyes for what feels like a full minute, then he suddenly gets up, taking his plate with him.
“Let me help you,” I offer, following him to the sink with my plate and an empty glass.
“No, let me.” He snatches these out of my hands without looking at me. “Just… sit.”
I stare after him blankly. He is acting so weird. Have I said anything wrong?
When Nick comes back, I don’t waste any more of our remaining minutes. “Nick, can I ask you something personal?”
Nick looks at me carefully. “Depends.”
“Have you been in love before?” I wait patiently for his answer, and when there is none, I say, “You are older, so you obviously have more experience on these things. I just want to have some insights, that’s all.” And I want to kick myself for exposing myself of how inexperience I am.
Something shifts in his expression. “Love is a strong word.”
“That’s not what I asked. It’s a simple question, Nick.”
Nick lets out a long sigh. “Then I’ll give you the simple answer––I don’t know.” Then he adds, “Maybe once.”
My eyes widen. “Really? When was it?”
“College, freshman year,” he answers. “I was so young, Alice. I don’t even know if that’s really love.” He scoffs.
“How could you not know?” I furrow my brow. “I think I’d know if I’m in love…” From how Zoe described it, I’m certain I haven’t felt that way about anyone before––not to Carter, or Leo, or Adam. Not even to Jacob.
He scoffs, shaking his head. “Love is just a label, Alice. And it’s subjective. It means differently for everyone.”
I roll my eyes, infuriated at his answer. “But you have been in serious relationships, right?”
“Yes,” he says sharply. “Relationships are complicated. It’s not that simple. Sometimes… we do things that we regret. We make mistake, and that’s how we learn and grow.”
I think about this. “Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I should’ve given Jacob a chance. Even Carter… I should’ve agreed to go out with him,” I’m mumbling to myself now, thoughts racing through my head.
“Carter?”
“Oh, he’s––a guy from school. You might not know him,” I say dismissively. “Do you think I made a mistake?”
“I can’t answer that for you.”
“It’s just… really hard for me.”
“Why? I think you have it easier than a lot of people.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, objectively speaking, you must have guys lining up for you. Some people are not as lucky to have options.” He smiles teasingly.
I try not to focus on how he just complimented me and say, “That is the problem. How can I know if they really like me for me? I mean, I doubt that a guy like Carter will even glance at me if I’m ugly.”
Nick crosses the room, back to the couch. “Then this Carter guy must be crazy.” He leans closer and squints his eyes at me. “Because you look pretty ugly to me.”
I crack a smile at that, my heart light. “Thank you. That’s the best compliment I’ve received my entire life,” I say, and Nick chuckles. “To be honest, I do like how I look. But sometimes… I hate it.”
“Why?” His brow furrows.
I pause, taking my time to think about it. “Because all my life, when peo
ple try to come up with things to describe me, the only thing they can think of is how beautiful, how gorgeous I look.” I check his reaction for a snort or something, but he’s still listening and waiting for me to continue. “And most of the times it’s a privilege. You have no idea how many things I can get away with.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, ready to tell the story. “One time, I accidentally spilled coffee all over one guy’s jacket on his way to work. And I could tell that he was about to give me so much crap for it. He was so pissed… But when he saw me, he let it slide. Just like that. And when I offered to get it washed for him, he said, ‘Why don’t you lick it instead.’”
“Really…” Nick leans closer to get a good listen, his brow narrowed.
“Yeah.” I roll my eyes. “And what disgusts me is the fact that I embrace it. Every time someone reminds me of how pretty I am, it’s like… a reassurance of my self-esteem somehow,” I say, and I find my hands trembling. Why did I just tell him that? I’ve never even told Zoe about this… “And I don’t know, but I just want to be more than that. I want to be more than pretty.” I snort, and I just can’t stop talking. “Well, it’s ironic that Jacob did exactly that. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. But I just couldn’t take it.”
His hand twitches, as if he’s about to reach it for mine, but he doesn’t. I catch his eyes, and his gaze never leaves mine. The intensity of his stare takes my breath away.
“Is that why you want to be an escort?” he asks.
Upon hearing his question, dread fills me. I press my lips together. “I don’t know. Maybe,” I say quietly. “I thought it was because of money at first. I was so proud to finally make my own money and not having to take my dad’s. But then you happened. And the thought of taking your money just feels… wrong. So yeah, maybe I become an escort just because I love how men would worship me, how they would look at me like I’m the most precious thing…”
I look at him, waiting for him to lecture me, to remind me what a stupid girl I am.
“Alice,” he says, shifting closer to me, his hand moving closer to mine, but he’s still careful not to touch me. He smiles softly. “For someone so beautiful, your lack of confidence astounds me.”