by Jax Hart
Looking down as the cat, trots between my feet I miss the fact that he’s home until I open the back door, colliding into his chest.
“…ooff. Watch where you’re going!” I straighten out, poking my finger into his chest.
“I was. You weren’t.”
“Whatever,” I grumble, moving past him, almost falling knee-deep into a bank of snow.
“What are you doing?” He turns, his handsome face wearing the ghost of a smirk.
“Walking the cat.”
“Walking the cat?”
“Yeah. What’s your problem?”
“What’s yours?”
“Ugh! Stop repeating my question with the same question. It’s so annoying!”
I stomp my foot forgetting I’m at the edge of a shoveled path. I slip, falling backward.
“Oooffffff!” Flailing, I fall through layers of fluffy, white ice some falls on my face.
A large, gloved hand reaches down. “Take it.”
I don’t want to. Touching him is like falling even when he’s helping me up. I shift my body, grimacing at the wet snow at my back. Looking anywhere but at his face, I tentatively reach up and place my hand in his.
I’m hauled out in a nano-second.
My hands quickly brush the clinging snow from my pants but some soaked right in. “You missed some…right…here.” The brush of his bare hand on my cheek has me jumping back as if it burns. “Careful.” His arms snags me before I fall all over again.
“What is it with you today? It’s not like I haven’t touched you before.”
I gasp, remembering just how his hands have touched me.
The clearing of a throat has me turning around.
Sally stands two feet behind us staring back and forth at the two of us. Her arms are filled with shopping bags.
“Here. Let me take those.” I move toward her but Dare beats me to it.
“I was just unlocking the door as you crashed into me. I’ve got it.”
Scooping up the mama cat, I race back into the house. My heart’s pounding hard. How am I going to survive Christmas? When just standing near the man nearly does me in?
I place the mama cat in the box with her loves and race upstairs, closing my door firmly, I strip my wet clothes and fill the old, claw footed tub high with steamy water and bath crystals before I slide in and shut my eyes.
I need a plan. A good one. It’s him or me. Both of us can’t stay. It was stupid to think I could when casual sex has never been on my menu.
I stay submersed in the tub watching the snow start to fall again. My skin’s pruned and wrinkled, the water lukewarm. “I can’t hide in here forever.”
“No but you can try.”
“EEEK!” I grab a towel, wrapping it around me. “Get out! Don’t you understand boundaries at all!”
“Relax! I just came to tell you Sally has lunch ready.”
“My door was locked.”
“As if that could keep me out.”
My shoulders sag. “I changed my mind, Dare. We’re both stuck here for the holidays nothing more.” I study the drops of water dripping from me to the tile floor. His tips up my chin with his finger, studying my eyes, my face. With a sigh he steps back, turns and walks out shutting the door to my suite softly.
My balled fists want to pound the wall. But they don’t. Instead I get dressed, blow dry my air and paste the fake smile on my face that I’ve worn for years. The one I wear for the world, trying to convince everyone I’m fine.
19
DARE
WHACK.
The ax is heavy as I swing it high, splitting another log in two.
“I think I have enough to last two winters.” Sally wraps her shawl around her as she brings me coffee in a thermos. “What happened when I was gone?”
“Nothing,” I grumble. “I already told you that.”
“Well why are you out here chopping more wood than I could ever burn while Shiloh’s in the kitchen baking and cursing up a storm.”
“She’s baking?”
“Like she’s Martha on steroids.”
I feel my lips curve as I swing the ax high.
“The vet called back. Their power’s back on and you can bring the kittens in.”
I grunt.
“…and Rog called. He’s throwing a last-minute party at Sassy’s on the 23rd and needs Santa to make an appearance.”
“No friggin’ way.”
“What…what if I convince Shiloh to go.”
My ax pauses high in the air. I lift my head. This time the cocky grin that splits my face wide even has Sally fidgeting. “I’m in.”
“I thought you might be. She might not want you right now, but she sure as hell wants Santa.”
“She’s gonna flip her lid when she finds out we’re one in the same.”
“When are you going to tell her?”
I lean on the end of the ax and stroke my chin thoughtfully. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, give me notice when you do so I can hide all the kitchen knives.”
My bark of laughter slips out surprising me as I picture Shi in my head coming at me. There’s no doubt that woman is a spitfire one I wish I had time to tame. But I don’t. I’m a man whose about to become a father to a pre-teen. I take the coffee from Sally’s hands. “Maybe it’s better off is she never knows. I have responsibilities back in Chicago. I doubt we’ll ever see each other again when New Year’s comes.”
“I wouldn’t bet on that.”
Fuck. Neither do I.
“Well, whatever happens please don’t ruin Christmas dinner. I want it to be special.”
“I was planning on going to Sassy’s. It’s tradition.”
“Not this year. I’ve already invited everyone here.”
“In that case—we better hide the kitchen knives.”
“Rog better stay out of my kitchen.”
“Good luck with that.” I chuckle as she goes back inside. Christmas is four days away. From the corner of my eye I notice the curtain fluttering from her corner window. I know what’s at the top of my list, I just need to figure out how I’m going to make my Christmas wish come true.
“What do you want?” She ignores me and keeps scribbling furiously in her notebook.
“Help.”
She snorts and keeps writing.
“Come on, Shiloh it’s the kittens. I need to get them to the vet and Sally is busy here cooking, cleaning and stuff.”
“You’re not…we’re not giving them away?”
“Hell, no. I’m paying for their shots and buying some baskets with red ribbons. Rog, Smith, Federico—hell the whole damn MC are getting pussies for Christmas.”
“Very mature,” she snaps.
“It’s guy humor, babe. Relax. Trust me, they’re gonna melt over them kitties and well, A whole litter can’t live here. Sally’s keeping the mom.”
“Good. I’m kind of attached to her. She likes to sit on my toes and keep them warm when I write.”
I saunter closer. “What are you writing about anyway?”
“None of your business.” Her journal snaps shut.
“Secret fantasies? Involving yours truly?” I waggle my brows.
“You wish.”
“I don’t need to. I know.”
“It’s not you in my secret fantasies. It’s somebody else. Does it hurt?”
“What?”
“Your ego?”
“Nah. It’s never been better.” She’s confused, wondering why I’m not taking the bait. But she won’t be confused when she figures out, I’m the only man driving her crazy in and out of dreamland.
“Why the sudden change of heart anyway? I know you still want me. I see it in your eyes every time you look my way.”
“Does she know?”
“Who?”
“Your girlfriend? Ex or whatever that we’ve been…”
“We’ve been what?” I cross my arms over my chest baiting the shit out of her.
“Making out?
”
“I don’t have a girlfriend, sweetheart.”
Her eyebrow rises. “Who’s Freddie?”
“The most important thing in my life right now.”
“Exactly.”
“It’s not what you think.”
“It never is.”
Sighing in frustration, I rake a hand through my hair as she darts past me. “Are you still coming to the vet with me?”
“As long as you keep your hands to yourself.”
“That’s not a problem but if I can’t touch you…you can’t touch me.”
She rolls her eyes from the mudroom where she stomps her feet into thick boots. “I think I can manage to do that. Every time you open up your mouth to talk it makes it easier to remember why I despised you on sight.”
“Keep telling yourself that and maybe one day you’ll believe it.”
“Ugh! I hate you.”
“So, you’ve said, doll. More than once.”
“Don’t speak to me. Don’t even look at me.”
She wags a gloved finger in my face. I lean forward, the silky strands of her hair tease my nose. “That’s going to be damn near impossible.”
“Why’s that?” Her lips part as her words slip out. Her pupils are wide and dilated as they stare up at me.
“Because, doll. You’re at the top of my Christmas list and I happen to have an “in” with the big man, Santa himself.”
“So, you do know who he is?”
“Your dream man? You bet your ass I do.”
“Good. Because I’m sorry to break this to you—but seeing him again is at the top of my list. Not you.”
It takes everything I have to turn and pretend I’m hurt. I practically bite my tongue to keep myself from blurting out my secret. I need to plan something good for my “reveal.” Something, fun yet romantic—to melt her and make sure the two of us have a Christmas we’ll both never forget.
“Will you do it for me? I mean I know it’s a big ask since well…we do have a crazy chemistry, but I think we can both agree it’s bad for us. You and I are oil and vinegar…salt and pepper—total opposites.”
I’m quiet for a second before finally turning back to her while my hand pauses on the backdoor. “Oh yeah? That might be true but tell me something. Why is it that all those ingredients bring out the best flavors in one another?”
She swallows hard, looking away.
“I’ll do it for you, sugar. If I could—I’d make all your dreams come true.”
Her dark eyes bore into mine. “Why…why is it that I believe that. But something tells me you’ve already made that promise to someone else. Am I right?”
“You wouldn’t be wrong. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you and if ignoring the fact that all I want to do is sink balls deep into you forever….is what you want than I’ll do my best.”
She sways slightly on her feet, her bottom teeth sinking into her delectable bottom lip. “Yeah, it’s probably for the best. No more kissing, touching…”
“Or talking?”
She nods. “I’ll help you with the kittens and then disappear to the spa until after Christmas.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
“Good.” She nods, emphatically.
“It’s settled then.”
“Absolutely it is.”
An awkward pause exists between us as I open the door for her to pass by me.
“Does it count if I had my fingers crossed behind my back?”
Her cheeks are red. Either from the cold or from my teasing. “Will you ever grow up? Sometimes you’re so immature.”
“What can I say? I’m making up for lost time.” My eyes cut away. She mulls over my words remembering the dark parts of me that I alluded to two nights ago.
“Ugh. Let’s just get this over with.” I open passenger door for her and then lay the back seats down.
“I’ll be right back with our little gang.”
She answers by donning her huge, designer shades. The ones making it impossible to read her eyes. I don’t want to hurt her but damn I want her. Badly. Maybe when I get back to Chicago and square things away with Freddie, I’ll pursue the shit out of her. West Coast or not. Hell, maybe a long-distance romance could work for me. I can spend my daily life settling Freddie in and getting to know her while texting my sexy Shiloh at night. Hmmm….
In seconds, I’m back out at the SUV, carefully balancing the box in my hand while opening the passenger door again. “Merry Christmas.” I place the box on her lap with the kittens all meowling angrily inside. The cold air woke them from their slumber.
She bites her lip, choosing to look out the window as I carefully guide the SUV back into town.
I pull into the lot in front of the vet. She still won’t speak to me, I round the car, opening her door. “The cat got your tongue, sugar?” I can’t help but bait her as I lean in placing both my hands on either side of her seat fencing her in.
She opens her mouth to give me some smart remark and I seize the opportunity, and over her lips with mine. Yeah cause my promise to stay away from her lasted all of two seconds. Besides, my fingers were crossed. Everyone knows that means my words were null and void. My tongue slides in easy. I feel the heat, the anger but there’s also need. I pull back as the kittens start meowling in protest since my body wants to press tighter to Shi’s. “Never mind. I guess it was me who got your tongue.” I lift the box off her lap and start whistling, “Santa Claus is comin’ to town” as I walk up to the front door of the clinic.
The first snowball misses me by a mile. The next one hits me square on my back. It’s more ice than snow and stings a bit.
I half turn, arching a brow, “You wanna start this, sugar?”
“You started it. I’m just ending it.”
I feel the smirk on my face enjoying watching how it pisses her off when she sees it. Placing the box of fur balls down gently on the stoop, I slowly stalk forward. “You better run, sweetheart.”
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“Liar. And we both know exactly what you’re afraid of.”
“Oh yeah?” She packs another ice ball as she bounces on her feet.
“Yeah… my…big…”
“Fat ego?” She replies, aiming fast and hitting me in the face.
Dropping low, I charge. She shrieks as I haul her by the waist and spin her around. She tries in vain to pummel me with her tiny, gloved fists. But her damn flailing legs hook into the back of my knees and we both fall. Hard. Fast and deep into the snow.
Laughing, like I’ve never laughed, I roll to the side, so I don’t crush her with the weight of me.
“Ugh. My butt is wet.”
“Is that all?”
“Pig.” She smacks her hand against my chest. Before she can move it, I grab it in mine hand and bring it to my lips, kissing her gloved knuckles.
“Not denying it.”
She rolls her eyes and lays beside me. “Do you see it?” She asks, gazing up high. I watch her beautiful face framed her long chocolate hair then settle back into the snow and look up too.
“What?” My eyes take in the baby blue sky, the sun breaking through the clouds and the huge evergreens covered in dusty white.
“Serenity. Peace. I actually can see it.”
I’m quiet for a second as I study the sky. Four tiny paws land on my chest. The little claws knead into my sweater as the kitten ambles higher, peering into my face. The tiny thing purrs as it climbs higher nipping my nose. I turn my head.
“Are you seeing this?”
“I am.”
Careful not to startle the little cat, I move my right hand, finding Shi’s and thread our fingers together. “I don’t need to see it, Shi, when I feel it. Right here right now. I finally feel it babe. What I’ve been missing all these years.”
“I know. I feel it too. This sucks.”
“I know. Let’s just stay here in and freeze this moment as long as we can.” We
lay our heads back, studying the sky with out hands joined and our breaths coming out in puffs of vapor that disappear into the winter air, floating high into nothing.
“I’ll never forget this Christmas.”
“Neither will I, sugar.”
“Are you going to keep her?”
The kitten’s curled up against my neck, trying to get warm. My throat’s thick as I answer. “Yeah. I think I will.” Sighing, I unlink our hands and scoop up the little cat checking to make sure she’s a lady.”
“Sky. I’ll name her, Sky.”
Getting up, I offer Shi a hand. “I think I’ll stay here a bit longer.”
“Ok.”
I can tell she’s feeling vulnerable and I don’t push. But as I raise the kitten up high, like the Dad in that Lion King movie trailer I saw on TV, I hear her whispered words. “If only he’d keep me too.”
My shoulders slump. Maybe I’ve been a dick. Flirting too hard too fast, because I’m a selfish fuck. I saw her. I wanted her. End of fucking story. But She’s right, I can’t keep her not when I already promised somebody else, I’d be their happy ending. Freddie needs me more than anyone else in the world. I can’t let her down. I won’t.
I pause, cradling the kitten against my chest. Without turning around, I whisper back. “I’m sorry. If I could—I’d keep you, too.”
I gently place Sky, back in the box and pick up a pissed-off Mama cat who was looking for her lost little one, not realizing she’d been found.
The bell above the door jingles as I enter the Vet’s. I place the box down on the counter and look out the window. Shiloh’s gone but the snow angel she left before she took off pierces me. An arrow straight through my heart. What am I gonna do? I don’t want to hurt her more, maybe Santa shouldn’t come back to town. Maybe the best thing to do is nothing at all. But the thought of that stings too.
I’ve really fucked this up and I need to make it right. Shiloh—damn, the woman is fire, ice, laughter and tears…all the things I want to wrap up and keep for myself. I could see it. Waking up, teasing her with my words and hands…rolling in soft sheets, then making coffee together. Something about her keeps me on my toes but gives me peace, too. We connect. Physically and emotionally. I’ve never had that and probably won’t find it for a while. It would be fair to Freddie to search for that while getting to know her.