by Kate L. Mary
Jared’s eyebrows shoot up, and my stomach drops. I shouldn’t have talked to him like that. It isn’t how the Daughters of David are supposed to act. I need to be submissive. Meek. Raising my voice to a man is a good way to get myself in trouble. If Jared decides to report my impertinence to Father David…
Ice coats my veins, and I shiver.
No. I can’t let that happen. I can’t face another punishment. The last one almost killed me.
“I’m sorry.” I lower my head and try to sound as repentant as possible. “I’m just feeling a little ill today. Please forgive me.”
“Don’t apologize.” I look his way out of the corner of my eye only to find him shaking his head. “I’m the one who interfered.”
When he smiles, the sincerity in it takes my breath away.
Who is this guy? I’ve treated a lot of men at the hospital, and none have ever been this friendly. They’ve ranged from condescending to withdrawn, to even downright rude, but not one of them has ever smiled at me the way Jared is right now. It’s almost like he sees us as equals, which doesn’t fit into our community at all.
“Have you been with the Children of David your whole life?” I find myself asking, my curiosity overcoming the sense of propriety Father David beat into me three years ago.
Jared’s smile grows wider as he shakes his head. “No, my parents joined the group when I was ten, right after my younger brother died.” His grin fades, and he looks down. “So, most of my life, I guess.”
He’s probably thinking about all the things he had to give up when he came here. I know I would be. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why someone like him would stay. Leaving wouldn’t be easy, but I don’t think it would be impossible. Yes, I’m a prisoner here, but I’m a special case. Jared could escape. He could walk out, and Father David would be angry, but no one would go searching for him. Not like they would with me.
Jared opens his mouth like he’s going to say something else but slams it shut when Dr. Jones walks into the room. Like a switch, a mask falls over the younger man’s face, and the openness shining in his eyes disappears. He looks like every other man in the community, withdrawn and dismissive, and the drastic change sends a jolt shooting through me. I’ve never seen someone switch gears this fast.
“Well, you’re pretty lucky, Brother Jared. It’s just a sprain.” The doctor doesn’t even look my way as he holds the x-ray up for Jared to see. “You need to take it easy for a while. You can still work, but you need to take frequent breaks to rest the ankle. Try to keep off of it when you can.”
“Thank you, Doctor.” Jared’s tone is stoic, nothing like it was when we were alone.
I watch him closely, looking for some glimpse of the man I was talking to a moment ago, but he’s vanished.
“Get him wrapped up and send him home with a fresh bandage,” the doctor says as he heads for the door, not once glancing my way.
The second Dr. Jones is gone, Jared’s mask melts away like ice on a sunny spring morning, and I’m once again in the company of a man who genuinely wants to talk to me.
He smiles sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”
I play with the hem of my sweater as I search his eyes. He is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. “What’s your story?”
Jared shrugs, but he lets out a sigh at the same time, and I get the feeling he doesn’t exactly know how to answer the question. Almost as if he isn’t sure where he fits into this world. I’d always thought I was the only one.
“My parents joined the Children together, back before my mom died, but they weren’t like the other couples here. They loved each other, and my father never treated my mother like she was a servant.” His frown deepens, and he shakes his head. “But I understand not very many men in the community would appreciate that attitude, so it’s something I can’t show very often. Most of the people here wouldn’t understand.”
His words swirl around in my head as I grab a bandage out of the cabinet. It doesn’t make sense that anyone would stay here if there’s even an ounce of doubt in their minds, especially someone who knows what the outside world is like.
When I move back to the table, his gaze captures mine, and we study each other silently. The longer I look this man in the eye, the more questions I have about who he is.
“Why me?” I finally ask. “Why do you think I’d understand?”
Jared tears his gaze from mine so he can look at his hands, suddenly preoccupied with the dirt under his nails. “Everyone knows about you,” he murmurs. “You ran away.”
The pain that stabs me in the chest is sharp, and I tighten my grip on the bandage. The emotions building up inside me are impossible to name. There are too many. Guilt, shame, and anger, plus a million more. It’s like a tornado of feelings swirling through me, making it impossible to grab onto them. Impossible to escape.
When Jared looks up, something about the expression in his eyes makes me say, “But they brought me back.”
He remains silent, and I look away from the gaze that seems to be trying to penetrate my mind so it can see all my deepest and darkest secrets.
We remain silent as I wrap his ankle, and I do everything I can to focus on the act and not on the ache inside me. The memories of that time hang over me, vivid and sharp, and even though the idea of talking about what happened makes the pain more intense, I really want to understand this man better. Want to know why he is saying these things to me.
I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly, then repeat the process before saying quietly, “I was punished, and I repented.”
“Yes…” Jared lets the word hang in the air.
My hands freeze in the middle of wrapping his ankle, and I lift my gaze to meet his. Something unfamiliar shimmers in his eyes, and it takes me a moment to figure out what it is. Sympathy, and understanding.
“You’re not happy here?” The words come out quietly, and at first I’m not sure if he’s heard me.
“Not really.” Jared shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but his eyes tell me a different story. “But leaving means saying goodbye to my dad and going out on my own. I hate the idea of leaving him. It’s been three years since my mom died of a sudden heart attack, and he hasn’t gotten over it. If I left, he’d be alone. It’s not like leaving is very realistic, anyway. I don’t know the first thing about taking care of myself. Especially in the outside world.”
I nod as I go back to wrapping his ankle.
He’s right. Even if I could get out, where would I go? I don’t know what state we’re in, how far we are from the nearest town, or how I would take care of myself. I have no money, no skills that would translate into the real world. My education was cut off at the age of fifteen, just like all the other girls in the community. I know how to read, know the basics of math and the history Father David has deemed important, but that’s it. I wouldn’t make it.
I will get out of here, I tell myself once again, trying to believe it.
The tremors in my legs give me away.
When his ankle’s wrapped, I help Jared up. He puts a little weight on his injured ankle, flinching at the pain, but takes a few steps and nods. Almost like he’s telling himself he can do it.
“Thanks,” he says, smiling at me once again.
A lump forms in my throat, but I swallow it down. For some reason, the idea of him leaving has me upset. It’s been years since I had a real friend, and even then I couldn’t talk with them like this. Never before have I been able to speak openly with another person in the community, and it’s nice to feel like myself even if it was only for a few minutes.
“It was nice talking to you,” I say as Jared heads for the door.
He nods, his smile growing bigger as his eyes shine with a kind of friendliness I’ve never seen before. At least not inside the compound. “We’ll have to do it again some time.”
I nod, not daring to return his smile even though I desperately want to, and a second later Jared is gone. Leaving me feeling more alone than ever.
Chapter 4
When the hospital closes at five, I tuck The Book of David under my arm and head out of the building. All around me other people are doing the same, and just like this morning, they act like I don’t exist. Somehow, though, I don’t feel quite as alone this time. After my conversation with Jared, my mind is swimming with welcoming smiles and gray eyes that sparkle, and it sends warm tingles through me that I’ve never felt before. I’m not totally sure what to attribute the feeling to, but I like it.
I head down the main road, away from the houses and toward the barns and storage sheds. The fruit trees in the distance seem to call to me, their branches swaying in the breeze. A cool wind cuts through the compound, reminding me that winter has barely said its goodbyes, and I wrap my cardigan more firmly against my body as I pick up the pace. When I pass the barns, I hold my breath to block out the stench of animal filth, but it isn’t the smell that makes my feet move faster. It’s the closeness of the pond, and when the water comes into view, the sun’s rays reflecting off the ripples breaking across the surface, my heart leaps.
I lower myself to the ground right under an apple tree, leaning against the trunk so I’m facing the water. The pond isn’t huge, maybe only thirty feet wide, but with the surrounding orchards, it feels cut off from the rest of the compound. Plus, just on the other side of the pond, no more than twenty feet from the water’s edge, looms the fence that marks the boundary of my world. It’s only a little over four feet high, tall enough to keep the wrong people out and everyone else in, but low enough to give me a view of freedom.
Focusing on the forest in the distance, I inhale deeply, savoring the sweet smell of apple blossoms. My body feels lighter, like some of the oppressiveness of this place has slipped away, and it takes almost no effort at all to imagine myself walking through the woods that lie just on the other side of the fence. Apple blossoms fall on my head as I walk, and above me the birds sing. Sunlight breaks through the leaves and warms my skin, but most importantly, I am free.
Deep down, I know it will never happen, but when I’m sitting here by the sparkling pond, I’m able to pretend. I can block out everything else, forget the oppressive feeling I get when I’m home or working in the hospital. If I could get a better look, I would, but my spot under the tree is the closest I dare get. Even after all these years, I know Father David keeps a close eye on me. He hasn’t forgotten about my escape.
When I realize The Book of David is still in my hands, I toss it aside. Just looking at the thing makes the blood in my veins heat up, and the fact that I have to carry it everywhere I go like it’s an extension of my body makes it even worse. I don’t believe a single word printed on those pages, and I’m tired of pretending. Tired of living a life I have no control over.
I blow out a deep breath, forcing my mind to focus on the freedom sitting not too far away. The mountain towering over the community blocks part of my view, the snowy peaks barely visible where they disappear into puffy, white clouds. Something about its massive form makes me believe there really could be someone or something more powerful than Father David, and that if I can just find it, I’ll be able to escape this place.
I don’t know how long I’m able to sit like that, quietly enjoying my fantasy world, but much too soon footsteps crunch against the ground at my back, breaking through my daydreams.
Instinctively, I scoop The Book of David up off the ground and flip it open, and like a button has been pushed inside me, I’m once again on edge. The footsteps grow closer, but they’re scattered and uneven. Abnormal. When I look over my shoulder, peering around the trunk of the tree, I’m greeted by the gray-brown eyes of Jared.
He smiles and gives me a shy wave, not looking the least bit surprised to see me.
“Do you mind if I join you?” he asks when he stops in front of me. “I understand if you’d prefer to be alone.”
Since my escape, I’ve felt like an outcast in the community, and under his friendly gaze I find my body relaxing. I return his smile, almost without thinking, and nod to the ground. The last few years of loneliness make it impossible to turn down the offer, especially from someone so open.
“It would be nice to have company,” I tell him.
“Thanks.”
Jared lowers himself to the ground at my side, flinching slightly from the effort, and I scoot over so he can lean against the tree, too. We’re not touching, but we’re close enough that a flutter of panic tickles my insides. I’m so desperate for company that I manage to push it down, but I still scoot over a few inches to put a little more space between us. I don’t like to be touched, especially not by men.
“How did you know I was here?” I ask him.
“I like to take walks during reflection time, and I’ve noticed you sitting here.”
I nod as I try to think of something to say, but my mind is blank. It’s been years since I’ve had a real conversation, and I have no idea where to start.
The silence stretches out, but it’s comfortable, so I try to enjoy being with another person even if we aren’t talking. Honestly, it’s nice just to have company.
Jared is the first to break the silence. “Your wedding’s coming up, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” I flinch and clench my hands into tight fists, digging my fingernails into my palms. I don’t want my impending marriage to spoil this place and this moment, but now that he’s brought it up, weddings and marriage and betrothals are all I can think about, and the question that tumbles out of me only works to keep the current conversation moving. “Are you betrothed?”
I don’t remember Jared’s name being called at any of the recent ceremonies, but it’s possible I missed it. I haven’t paid attention in years. Not since the few friends I had before I ran away were betrothed.
He shakes his head, and his smile fades just a bit. “No, not yet. Father David thinks it will be soon, but I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me wants to leave, get out before I’m bound to someone permanently. I’m just not sure how to go about doing it.”
Jared actually has a choice, and the jealousy clenching my insides feels like it’s going to rip me in two. Unlike the man at my side, there’s no hope for me. Father David would never allow me to run out on his son again. He’d kill me first.
“How old are you?” I ask, hoping to push the thoughts of Father David aside. Trying to enjoy myself for once.
“I’ll be twenty in two months.”
I wonder why Father David has waited this long to give Jared a wife. “Aren’t most men betrothed by now?”
“Normally, it happens before they turn nineteen, so I’m a little old, but not much.” Jared frowns. “Father David says God has someone special for me.”
I press my lips together and play with the hem of my sweater. Does Jared actually believe any of Father David’s teachings? I don’t. God has nothing to do with any of the marriages that take place inside this fence, or anything else, for that matter. Father David chooses who will be married, and he is not God.
“Do you believe that?” I ask, peering at Jared through a veil of red hair.
His gray-brown eyes sweep over me before he says, “Do I believe God tells Father David what to do?”
“That and everything else he says.”
Just thinking like this is considered blasphemy, and I know it could get me in trouble, but I’m dying to know what’s going on in Jared’s mind. Why he spoke to me so openly in the hospital, why he would lower himself to sit and talk to a woman.
Only I don’t know how he’ll react or if he’s offended by my question, and if he decided to tell Father David what I said…
I shudder and tug on my sweater again. That can’t happen. I need to be more careful.
Jared frowns, and his gaze moves toward the pond, or maybe even the wall beyond it. “I know that when my parents decided to come here, they believed it with every fiber of their being, but I don’t. I’m pretty sure it’s more of a habit for my dad at this point, though. Still, I ha
te thinking they gave up everything, including my childhood, to follow a lie.”
His words push away my resolve to be more careful, and I find myself blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. “But isn’t that better than believing this is the truth?” I motion toward the buildings in the distance. Back toward the center of the community where Father David is probably busy preparing his next sermon. Conferring with God.
I snort at the ridiculous thought and shake my head.
Jared plucks up a blade of grass and shreds it slowly as he thinks it all through then says, “I never thought of it that way, but I guess you’re right.”
“Then you should leave while you have a chance,” I say quickly.
Someone should get out, even if it isn’t me.
When he turns back to me, his eyebrows are pulled together, and those amazing eyes of his are narrowed on my face. “What about you? You obviously don’t believe any of this, and you’re going to marry David. Why don’t you leave again?”
“I can’t leave.” Words fail me, and even when I’m able to find my voice, it comes out as barely more than a whisper. “I’m not allowed.”
“What do you mean?”
I take a deep breath while I try to figure out what to tell him. Jared is practically a stranger to me, and even though I don’t really believe it, the thought that Father David sent him here to trap me still nags at the back of my mind. Of course, I’m not sure why he’d do that. I’ve followed through with my promise to him, and trapping me would be pointless. It would serve Father David’s purposes much better if my marriage to his son went through without a hitch. Still, it’s impossible not to be suspicious of everything that goes on inside this fence.
“Father David wouldn’t allow it,” I finally say. Truth without too much information. Not enough to get me in trouble, anyway.
Jared nods slowly, but I doubt he understands.
We go back to sitting in silence, and I once again tug on the hem of my sweater while I wrack my brain for something else to say. I want to keep the conversation going, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t come up with anything. I’m just too out of practice.