by Kate L. Mary
Jared’s gaze follows my fingers, and the anger in his expression does something to me. Makes me want to wrap my arms around him, makes me feel like his arms are wrapped around me. I haven’t had a person worry about my wellbeing since Annabel and Abe, but knowing Jared cares feels a million times better. Thrilling, even.
“He usually just hits my mother,” I say, trying to ease his fears. “The first time he slapped her in front of me, I went crazy. I hit him across the face with The Book of David.” Jared manages to smile despite his anger, and I join in. Of course, it’s gone in seconds because that isn’t the end of the story. It never is with George. “He beat me pretty severely afterwards. I had a couple broken ribs, and I was in bed for three days.”
Jared sits up straight again, only this time he looks like he’s on the verge of running off, possibly to find George. “He broke your ribs?”
“Yes,” I murmur.
After that, my mother asked me not to interfere. Something in her eyes told me she thought she deserved George’s abuse, and it occurred to me that she probably even thought I deserved the beating he’d given me, although I tried not think about it too much. Now, whenever George starts hitting my mother, I lock myself in my room and try not to listen. Her marriage is just another reason for me to hate Father David. As if there weren’t enough already.
“Father David didn’t do anything?” Jared asks. “Why not? He had to know it was happening.”
How can Jared be this oblivious? All the things that go on here, and he hasn’t absorbed any of them. The men treat their wives like dirt. I’m terrified George is going to kill my mother one day, and there’s even a part of me that wonders if that’s what happened to his first wife. I don’t remember much about her, but if he did beat her to death, I know Father David would’ve just turned a blind eye to it.
“Why would Father David care?” I snap, my bitterness snaking out against my will. “He’s never stepped in any of the other times my mother has shown up with bruises. I’m sure George’s first wife was the same way. I actually have my doubts about how she died, especially now that I’ve seen how quickly Father David was able to cover up what really happened to his wife.”
Jared stares at the ground, shaking his head. He’s having a hard time with all of this. I get it. His unhappiness here didn’t go any further than his disbelief in Father David, and I’ve given him a whole new list of things to consider. It will probably take something huge for the truth to really sink in.
Chapter 15
Ten minutes after Dr. Jones heads home on Tuesday, Jared shows up. Having him with me while I do my work is thrilling, but being together in the hospital also highlights the risk we’re taking, making the possible consequences seem much more real.
Under the safety of the willow tree, I’m able to pretend we’re somewhere else, that we’re different people living a different life. The branches have become a private world made just for the two of us that no one can touch. In the hospital, though, I can’t block out the truth. Jared and I are taking a big risk, and at any moment, we could get caught.
But time is running out, so I focus on enjoying what little time I have left instead of what getting caught could mean. Happiness is short and hard to come by here, and in light of the joy Jared has brought into my life, I’m willing to take the risk.
We work together side by side, chatting while we clean. Not only does it make for a relaxing evening, but it also gives me a chance to see more of who Jared is. It allows me to memorize his facial expressions in the light of day instead of hidden in the shadows of the tree, gives me the opportunity to notice the freckles that have sprung up on his nose and the tiny mole under his right ear. I take every inch of him in, from the scars on his hands where he cut or scratched himself while working in the barn, to the way his hair curls up around his ears and how his laugh bounces off the walls of the hospital.
But time is impossible to hold on to, and it isn’t long before the chores are done and it’s time for me go home for dinner.
“I have to leave.” I stand in front of him, face to face, staring up into his eyes. Close, but still keeping a good distance between. Now, though, it feels more like a habit than necessity. “If I stay out any longer, George will be furious.”
Jared’s eyes roam my face as his brow furrows in thought. “Why do you feel so much responsibility for your mother?”
His callous words almost leave me speechless.
I stare at him with my mouth hanging open, but then all at once words fly out of me. “What would you have me do? Let George and Father David do whatever they want to her? She’s my mother, Jared.”
He shakes his head and reaches out, and when he rests his hand on my arm, I flinch. The corner of his mouth pulls down, and he lets his hand drop to his side, but I can still feel his touch. It’s warm and terrifying and exhilarating and welcome all at the same time.
“That’s not what I meant,” he says. “I understand she’s your mother, and it’s only natural for you to want her to be safe, but you’re choosing to give up everything for her, Willow. She could leave any time she wants, you know. She could make a different choice. But she never will. Don’t you want to make a decision for yourself? She’s a grown woman, and she’s responsible for her own choices.”
He isn’t telling me to cast her off completely, just to let her be an adult for the first time in my life. He’s right. I take too much responsibility for her, but that’s the way it’s always been for us.
“I’ve always taken care of her,” I say. “I don’t know any other way.”
Jared gives me a sad smile. “You need to think about yourself.”
I don’t want to talk about this right now, so I just shake my head. “I need to go.”
We turn the lights off and head down the stairs, walking together in silence through the quiet building. When we pass the worship hall, I glance through the open door. The red moonlight shining through the stained glass window reminds me of the night Mother Ruth died and her revelation that I have family in the outside world. It’s something I haven’t shared with Jared yet. Does he have family to help him if he ran? Would he even know where to find them?
We’re about to walk out the front door when Jared stops me, grabbing me by the elbow. This time he holds on longer than usual, keeping his grip gentle until his fingers finally slip away and his arm is once again resting at his side.
“Meet me later,” he says.
“What? When?” It’s already close to eight o’clock. Does he want me to sneak out in the middle of the night?
Jared rubs the back of his neck as he glances toward the door. “At the pond. At midnight. The willow tree is too close to the houses, but the pond is all the way on the other side of the commune, and we can have the whole place to ourselves. No one else will be awake. No one will ever know.”
It’s risky, but there’s so little time left. Once I’m married, we won’t be able to see each other anymore, despite what I told Jared earlier. It won’t work. I have to take this chance while I can. For me.
“I’ll be there.”
It’s ten minutes before midnight when I creep out of my bedroom and tiptoe down the hall. My mother’s door is closed, and there isn’t a single sound to indicate she and George are still awake. I let out a sigh of relief as I hurry through the house, shoes in my hand. Once I’m outside, I pause long enough to pull them on before taking off running.
The street is silent and empty, but I don’t relax until the houses have faded into the darkness. Even then, I keep running, though. Every little noise makes me jump, but it’s only the cows and pigs. They won’t be telling anyone I was here.
When I reach the safety of the fruit trees, I finally allow myself to slow.
The sparkling waters of the pond come into view, and once again I move faster. Jared is already here, standing next to the pond. Waiting for me. The moon shines down on his blond hair as the mist rises from the water at his back. He’s beautiful, but seeing him
here and knowing he’ll never really be mine has tears springing to my eyes. I suck my bottom lip into my mouth, sinking my teeth into it as I fight the sobs threatening to break out of me.
No. I won’t cry. I won’t focus on what I’m going to lose. Right here, right now, that’s all I’m going to think about.
Jared’s crooked smile is the best greeting I could ever get. “I’m so glad you came,” he says, taking a step forward to meet me.
“I told you I would.” I’m breathless, but it’s not from my trek across the commune. It’s from Jared.
He reaches for me but once again stops himself before he makes contact. His arm drops to his side, and he clenches his hand into a tight fist. “I know, but I didn’t know for sure if you’d be able to get away.”
“Lucky for me, George is a heavy sleeper.”
He smiles again, but this time it’s bitter enough that even the dark night can’t hide it. This isn’t how I want to spend my time with Jared, though. I refuse to let George ruin my one sliver of happiness.
I tilt my head toward the water and smile. “I swam in the pond the other night.”
Jared chuckles as he looks out over the glistening water in front of us. “It must have been cold.”
“It was, but it was still nice. It made me feel alive…” I press my lips together to stop myself from telling him I jumped in to wash Mother Ruth’s blood off my body. That would ruin the mood, and no matter what, I don’t want to ruin this moment.
He’s still grinning when he starts unbuttoning his shirt.
“What are you doing?” I take a step back.
David is suddenly beside me, stroking my arm. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath.
This isn’t David. This is Jared. Funny, sweet, caring Jared. He would never do what David did. Never.
“I want to go swimming, too,” he says.
When I open my eyes, he’s removing his shirt. He drops it to the ground, and my face grows warm. He’s naked from the waist up, and I know I should look away, but I can’t. He’s all muscle from working in the barn. All man. It should terrify me, but I’m more captivated than anything.
Jared turns his back to me when he pulls his pants down, and my eyes follow his every move, memorizing the way the muscles in his back flex under the light of the moon.
When he’s down to his boxers, he walks to the edge of the pond, glancing back at me once and flashing me a crooked grin.
Then he jumps in.
The water engulfs him in a giant, rippling splash. Only seconds later, his head breaks the surface, and he lets out a sound somewhere between a laugh and yelp.
I can’t stop smiling.
Jared swims across the surface, still grinning, but I don’t move. The image of his bare chest flashes through my mind, sending a shiver down my spine. What just happened? I’ve seen a man naked before—I’ll never be able to forget David’s naked body—and Jared isn’t even naked, but he almost is, only there’s no fear. It isn’t scary, and it definitely isn’t unpleasant.
“Are you coming in?” Jared calls.
I nod without giving it much thought and start to unbutton my shirt. My fingers are shaking, but for once it isn’t from fear. Excitement, electric and energizing, shoots through me. This is what it feels like to be alive. This is what a normal girl my age feels like when she’s with an attractive guy.
This is how I want to be.
Jared dives back under, and I slip out of my skirt. I drop my blouse on top of it but leave my beige underwear and matching bra on. My newfound bravery can only take me so far.
Just as I walk to the edge of the water, Jared resurfaces. The moonlight illuminates his beautiful crooked smile, and my face heats up. I shouldn’t do this. I’m getting in too deep with Jared. I’m risking so much.
But I want to do it, I realize. I want to risk everything.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I throw myself into the pond.
The shock of the icy water hitting my skin makes me scream, forcing all the air out of my lungs as I kick my way to the surface. But I come up smiling, resurfacing right in front of Jared, who laughs as soon as he sees me.
“This was a great idea!” he says, treading water in front of me.
I smile and laugh with him, not caring that my body is shivering or that every breath I let out causes a puff of steam to rise up in front of me. “It’s freezing!”
“But you were right. It makes me feel alive.”
We swim for a while, laughing and joking. Jared tells me stories about going to the pool every summer when he was a child, and I try to picture it in my head like before. I’m envious of the normal life he once knew. I don’t know if that normalcy makes being here better or worse for him, but there’s no way I would ever give up the time I spent in the outside world.
Eventually, I’m shivering too much to stay in. I swim to the edge and pull myself out, and Jared comes out right behind me. My teeth chatter while I pull my clothes on, and even once I’m dressed again, the goose bumps refuse to go away.
We sit on the grass side by side and talk. I rub my hands up and down my arms, desperately trying to warm them up, but it doesn’t work. I’m still shivering.
“Come here,” Jared says, holding his arms open.
My hands freeze mid-rub. I can’t breathe.
He frowns and tilts his head to the side, waiting.
We’ve barely touched up until this point. He took my hand and led me to the tree, grabbed my elbow, touched my arm. But this? His arms wrapped around me, my body pressed against his, being at his mercy. That’s too much. Too big of a step.
“Willow,” he says gently, “let me keep you warm.”
Something about his tone or his words makes me scoot closer. Instead of allowing him to pull me against him completely, though, I move so we’re side by side.
Even though it isn’t what he wanted, he doesn’t complain. Instead, he puts one arm around me. It’s a position I could easily wiggle out of, but no matter how hard I try to get my body to relax, it won’t. I’m not used to being close to another human being, especially a man.
Jared runs his hand up and down my arm as he talks, keeping his voice low and soothing, telling me more stories about his childhood. I focus on his words and on my breathing, and before long, my eyes are closed as I picture the world he’s describing. Then, as if by magic, my body begins to relax, and I let out a sigh.
This is what love is like.
“Are you cold?” he asks.
I shake my head, and he leans his cheek against the top of my head.
This is where I was meant to be.
“There’s a betrothal ceremony tomorrow,” Jared says.
Images of my own betrothal come crashing back, and my body turns to stone. My chest aches, and I’m suddenly thankful Jared’s arm is around me, because right now he might be the only thing holding me together.
But even surrounded by terror, I know I can’t make tomorrow night about me. Not when another innocent girl is going to be taken advantage of. Who will it be? Is she scared? Then there’s the man—
It could be Jared.
When I was staying with Annabel and Abe, I watched a lot of television. Annabel was careful about what I saw, wanting to shield me from violence since she was pretty sure I’d been through something violent and brutal myself. But one day, as I was flipping through the channels, I saw a bomb blow up a building. It was a movie, so it wasn’t real, but to a girl who’d experienced almost nothing, the impact was powerful. I sat in front of the television totally transfixed, watching as pieces of cement and glass and metal flew through the air. Flames shot up, the world seemed to shake, and people screamed in agony. By the time the dust had settled, it was impossible to tell a building had ever stood there to begin with.
That’s how I feel now. Knowing tomorrow night Father David might call Jared’s name, and he’ll be the one to take a little girl, innocent and pure, and destroy her life. It’s like a bomb has gone off inside m
e.
I pull away and scoot across the grass. “You might be chosen,” I say.
I can’t look directly at him, but since I’m an expert in watching people with my head lowered, I see when he winces and nods.
We sit in silence for a moment, and I wait for him to say something, to tell me what he’s thinking or feeling about this turn of events, but he says nothing. When I can’t stand the silence any longer, I lift my head so I can search his eyes. They’re impossible to read, though.
What do I say now? Does he even get how horrible this is? Does he understand what I’m thinking and feeling?
When he blinks, the moonlight highlights the tears shimmering in his eyes. “I’ve thought about it a hundred times since I found out.” He looks down at his hands, clenched into fists in his lap, and the ache in my heart grows bigger, threatening to rip me in half. “I don’t know what you think is happening here, Willow, but I want you to know how much I care about you.”
How is it possible to hurt this much and still be alive?
I cross my arms and try to control my breathing. Everything is suddenly so urgent, and I have no idea what to say. I feel like that building after it was blown to bits, mangled and broken. Not even a shell because the destruction has been so complete. Still, even after everything I’ve been through, I know I want to be with Jared. I think about him all the time, but I’m too shattered to believe I could actually give myself to him. There are too many pieces of me, and they’re too broken. Even if we tried, there’s no way we could sort through the rubble and recreate anything even remotely resembling the building that existed before David set off that bomb.
“I don’t know how I feel, Jared,” I say. “There are things about me you don’t know, and caring about another person isn’t something I ever expected to happen for me.”
“I know. It’s obvious by the way you act. If you’re not ready to talk to me about it, I understand. I just want you to know I care. So much. When I looked at you standing with David the other day, when I saw him touching you… I couldn’t believe how jealous I was.” He shakes his head and seems to clench his fists tighter. “I can’t imagine not getting to spend time with you anymore. Please, tell me you’ll still meet me after you’re married.”