“You do not care for her?” Jane asked him, her expression stern.
“It is not that,” Elliot protested. “Of course I care for her, she is a fine young woman. But I did not come to call for her. I came to see you, to be sure you were well. You are my oldest friend – but I could not tell anyone that, could I?”
Jane paused before she spoke, biting at her lip in a way that made Elliot want to pull her close and crush his lips against hers. But he knew she would not want that. “No, I suppose you could not, and I thank you for not telling a soul that you knew me previously. But Faith is now aware that we once knew one another, so you no longer need to be so circumspect with her, at least.”
“I am glad to know it,” Elliot said. “It had been dashed difficult trying to pretend that I know nothing about you, and care even less. But I would never have given you away. I would never do anything to hurt you, I pray that you know that.” Elliot wished that Jane could see just how much he cared for her, but she seemed to be willfully blind to his affections, his concern. “And, in truth I have been trying to gain a moment with you alone ever since I returned.”
“I cannot imagine why,” she said, her tone unusually curt. She turned away, as if she intended to leave.
“I went to see your father.” Elliot said, just as she was at the door.
“You did?” Jane said, turning back to face him, her lips parting in surprise, her eyes wide. “You did not tell him where I was? Please heaven, you were not so foolish as to do that?”
“Of course, I did not,” Elliot said, exasperated. “Do you really think I would do such a thing?”
“No, of course you would not. I am sorry, Elliot, but I cannot let him find me. I cannot go back there.”
“Yes, you can,” he said softly. “Everything is fixed. Your father has paid back Lord Wulfstan. I believe he finally had an excellent night at the card table. You are free to go home, to assume your rightful place, my lady.”
“He will lose it all in a heartbeat,” Jane said sadly. “It will not last.”
“He has promised to go and see a friend of mine from university. Dreadfully clever chap. Specializes in helping men like your father to move past their compulsions. He is trying very hard to get better.”
Jane’s eyes narrowed and Elliot realized he had said too much. “And you know about all of this, because? You would need to have been at home in Northumberland to know of all this – and you told us that you went to Wales on business.”
“You have caught me,” Elliot said, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “I went home, not to Wales. But I can assure you that you truly are safe to return. Your father is quite anxious to see you. He has been worried half to death. I assured him that I would do what I could to find you, to return you home.”
“So, he does not know that you are already aware of where I am?”
“No, and I will not tell him. If you do not wish to go back, I understand that.”
“He was prepared to sell me off to a man twice my age, a man with no morals and no decency,” Jane said angrily.
“And he is sorry for it. He is not drinking or gambling any more – he assured me of that. He desperately wishes to make amends. I believe you will find him to be a changed man – and for all his faults he does love you.”
“And I love him, and he is all I have.” Jane’s voice was flat. Elliot knew she meant the words, but he also knew that it had grown harder and harder for her to do so over the years. Lord Lachlan had been wasteful and had almost lost their family home. He had bartered her hand in marriage to pay his debts. Elliot wanted to hate him, too – but like Jane he knew he could never do so either – especially not after seeing how dreadful the older man felt about everything that had come to pass.
“He needs you,” Elliot said simply.
Jane shrugged and said no more. She turned away from him and Elliot wondered if she was crying. Jane had never been one for showing her emotions in public. He moved to place a comforting hand upon her shoulder. He expected her to pull away, but unexpectedly she leant back against him. He held his breath, not daring to speak or even move. Then she turned and buried her face in his chest. Unable to resist, Elliot wrapped his arms around her slender frame, holding her tightly against his body. He could hardly believe it was occurring, he had wished for such a thing for so long. She fitted against him perfectly.
They stood motionless for what may have been just a few seconds but could have been a lifetime. Elliot savored every moment. Jane glanced up at him, her eyes filmed with tears. He wiped them away tenderly with his thumb, then tilted her chin and leaned down to press his lips against hers. She did not react at first, but soon her lips yielded to his, her arms reaching around him, her fingers stroking at his back and up his neck, twining themselves in the curls at his nape.
But as suddenly as she had accepted his embrace, Jane pushed him away. “Thank you for telling me this,” she said, her tone brittle. She stepped away from him and wrapped her arms around her body tightly, as if wishing to ward him away. She looked ashamed, angry and he did not know why.
“I return home tomorrow,” Elliot said. “I would be glad to accompany you, to be sure you get there safely, if you wished to join me.”
“Thank you, but I think I need a little more time,” she said. “To think about what I wish to do. And you must speak to Faith – be kind to her. Her heart will break if you truly are leaving. If you never intended to court her, you have made the most dreadful mistake and it will hurt her to find out. She will need a friend to comfort her. I will not leave her to face that hurt alone. She has been too good to me in all this.”
“I understand,” Elliot said as she turned and went back inside. But he did not understand. Not one little bit.
Chapter Nine
“He is not coming back,” Faith said sadly as they entered the house and took off their cloaks and gloves. “He is going home and will not return. I have never been more certain of any one thing.”
“I am sorry,” Jane said, putting an arm around her friend’s shoulders. “He seemed to be most attentive. I know we all believed he would ask for your hand. I hope you are not too sad?”
Faith shrugged off Jane’s arm and moved towards the staircase. “I will not pretend I am not hurt,” she said, looking back at Jane. “I truly thought we would make a match, and an excellent one at that. But if it is not to be, then I shall not be losing anything. One cannot lose something they never had.”
She looked and sounded oddly calm and too accepting of what had happened, given that only a few hours earlier she had been hoping for a betrothal. Jane could only assume that Elliot had been kind in letting her down. Faith seemed quite reconciled to the fact that she would never see Elliot again. Jane could hardly believe it. She herself was in bits, thinking that she might not see Elliot again for some time. She had missed him before, when he was at university and on his Grand Tour, but this would be so much worse because she knew she could never have him – he just did not want her in that way.
She would be forever haunted by Lord Elliot Grey – especially now that she had the memory of being held in his arms, and that illicit kiss in the darkness. Elliot had unwittingly stirred her emotions to boiling point. She would never be able to forget him, or love another. Of that she was quite certain. If only she had been brave enough to tell him, then and there, just what he meant to her. But she knew that he would have simply laughed at her, assumed she was joking. After all, had ended that kiss almost as soon as it began. Jane could only feel shame at her behavior, thrusting herself at him in that lascivious manner. He had been right to end the embrace, to push her away.
That Faith could so easily move on made the past weeks of torment, watching Faith and Elliot together, was somehow even more painful to bear. Jane had believed that Faith truly loved Elliot, it was why she had stepped aside, to give her friend the chance Jane had believed Faith so longed for. Jane had been so sure that they were suited to one another, that there were genuin
e feelings building between them. Perhaps if she had not stood aside, come tomorrow she would have been sat in Elliot’s carriage by his side, on her way home to a new and wonderful life with him.
“He said that he had given his heart to another a long time ago,” Faith said as they made their way up to their bedchambers. “And that though he had never had so much as an inkling that his feelings were returned, he did not feel he could ever wed another.” She sounded so pragmatic, resigned even – as though she had never really believed any man might find her attractive enough to banish the ghost of a lost and unrequited love. “He was most apologetic, concerned that he had given me the wrong impression regarding his visits.”
The two young women paused at Jane’s door. She had never noticed Elliot having any particular attraction to anybody whilst they were growing up. He had certainly never spoken of any woman in affectionate terms that she could remember. He had seemed to be the ultimate bachelor. But then Jane remembered that she had asked him to be kind, to give Faith a reason that would not hurt her pride. She supposed Elliot had done his best, and it would appear to have worked.
“Yes. I must confess, it all makes sense, to me now,” Faith continued. “He never much wanted to talk. We so often played duets and things, but there was little conversation – I realized tonight as he spoke to me how little I knew him at all. I think I must have been in love with the idea of him. He called so often. Though now I know that the two of you were childhood friends, all of his asking after you makes so much more sense. He must have just wished to know how you were, and I read more into it than was ever there.”
“And you are truly not heartbroken?” Jane asked, utterly surprised at how sanguine Faith was being.
“I will not lie and say I am not hurt. It smarts, but nothing more than that. In truth, I wish him well and pray that his mystery lady will some day see what she is passing up. He is a very kind and very sweet man.”
“Indeed, the woman that becomes Lady Grey would be lucky in so many ways,” Jane said, wishing that Elliot had indeed spoken the truth to Faith, that there was another woman who held his heart – and that the woman was herself. But she knew that was impossible, unfathomable. Silently she berated herself for being such a moon-calf.
“Good night, dear Jane,” Faith said, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. “I think I shall rise late tomorrow. I am quite fagged. I think all of the events of the past months have finally caught up with me. Would you mind telling Martha that I will not want my morning chocolate until, oh, at least eleven o’clock?” She turned and sashayed down the corridor to her own rooms, leaving Jane to go back downstairs and into the kitchen to inform Faith’s maid of her intentions.
Once her errand was completed, Jane noticed that the back door was open as she left the kitchens to return to her bedchamber. She knew that she was too confused to sleep, her mind and body jittery and alert, and so she stepped outside into the crisp autumn air. A walk would help to soothe her. She always felt more content when outside.
The sky overhead was deep purple-black velvet, with only a tiny smattering of stars. Jane walked briskly, rubbing at her bare arms to keep them warm. She began to shiver, but she did not turn and go back. “Damn Elliot Grey to hell,” she muttered angrily to herself as a sudden surge of emotion overwhelmed her. “Man is a cad and a bounder. He lied to her. I told him to be kind, not to spin a web of lies.”
Even though she was angry with him, and she so longed to banish him from her thoughts, she could not do so. The memory of their briefly snatched embrace, the tenderness of his kiss haunted her. She felt her skin prickling with pleasure at the mere memory of it. He had been so gentle, yet she had felt almost feint as had held her so tightly against his strong, hard body.
When he had asked if she wished to return home with him, she had been so tempted to go. It would have been wrong, with no chaperone, to be alone with him for so very long. Her reputation would have been in grave peril – but she had already ruined that long ago, with her flight from her betrothal. There was no man who would wish to wed her now. Perhaps she should have agreed to travel with him. Perhaps she could have seduced him, so she might have the memory of one night in the arms of the man she loved to keep her warm for the rest of her life.
But Jane knew that Elliot was too good a man to ever take advantage of her. If she had said yes, Jane had no doubt that there would have been a female travelling companion hired to accompany them. He would never hold her in his arms again. He would never kiss her again. Jane still could hardly believe that those things had even happened. Now they were long past, they seemed more dreamlike than real. Elliot did not want her. He did not see her that way. He did not seem to see anyone that way – unless what had told Faith had been true.
Mayhaps there was a mystery love, someone he had met at university or on his Grand Tour. Jane knew that men often kept such things to themselves. It would be something he would be inclined to keep to himself. He was such a private man, after all. Yet, it did not make sense to Jane. If she were so lucky as to be loved by Elliot, there was no way that she would turn down a proposal from him. Even if she had just held him in high regard, she would have eagerly agreed to be his wife. He would make an excellent husband. He had wealth and rank. He was clever, funny and very handsome. There was not a woman alive that would not be attracted to him – of that Jane was certain. So, unless his love was already married, Jane simply did not believe that there was someone else that had already claimed his heart.
A gust of wind lifted the hem of her gown. Jane shivered. There were goosebumps all up her arms. Whatever was she doing out here? She had barely recovered from a serious fever, and here she was asking for another, standing around in the cold. She hurried back to the door, which she found had now been locked. Nobody had seen her go outside. She banged on it loudly, cursing under her breath at her foolishness. She truly was starting to feel most peculiar, shivery yet so hot all at once. Jane prayed that the fever was not returning. The doctor had warned her that the ague might recur, but she had assumed he was just trying to scare her.
Her knees gave way and she slumped against the door, just as she heard the sound of the bolts being drawn back. The door opened wide and her body toppled over. She banged her head on the cold stone floor of the below-stairs corridor.
“Fetch the doctor,” Cook yelled, as she tried to help Jane inside.
Jane’s limbs felt like lead, as they had done in the church all those weeks ago. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the sound of the voices around her. She could hear the anxiety in their voices as they spoke in hushed whispers around her. She felt her limbs being moved so that two of the footmen could lift her and carry her up the back stairs to her bedchamber. She felt the cool hand of Mrs Walker, the housekeeper, upon her brow and heard her call for cool water and clean washcloths.
Then everything was quiet, dark and still.
When she opened her eyes, her room was full of light. Someone had drawn the drapes back from the windows to let the sunshine flood in. She turned her face to the light. Her mouth was as dry as sand, and her throat felt as though it had been rubbed raw. She tried to speak, but no sound escaped. She peered around her. Everything was a little blurry, but she was sure that there were people in the room with her. She tried, again, to utter something more than a moan. “Wa…water,” she croaked.
The sound of nervous laughter, male and female sounded around her. “Oh, thank goodness,” she heard Faith say. “She is coming back to us.”
“I keep telling you, she has always been as tough as old boots,” a rich male baritone said. The voice was full of laughter, and it was a voice Jane knew and loved. But Elliot had gone back home. How could he possibly be here?
Jane tried to open her eyes wider, to try and focus them properly so she might see the truth of it. Perhaps she was simply dreaming again. Slowly, she began to make out some of the details near to the bed. A jug of water on the sideboard, a bowl and some white muslin cloths. Faith’s hand, h
olding a glass of water to Jane’s lips. Faith held the glass steady, making sure Jane did not take too much all at once. The cool liquid soothed her parched mouth and slowly trickled down her dry, sore throat. She beckoned for another sip.
“How…how long?” she asked eventually, as Jane set the glass down on the sideboard.
“How long have you been unwell?” Faith queried. Jane nodded. “You have been asleep for a week, again.”
Jane groaned. As she did so, she felt a warm hand take hers, the one on the opposite side of the bed to Faith. She turned her head slowly. It was Elliot sat there. She tried to smile. She could think of nobody she wanted to see more. “ Do not try and speak. You need to keep what little strength you have to heal,” he ordered her. He tried to look stern, but could not manage it for long, as a smile broke out over his handsome face and he winked at her.
“Now the fever’s broken, we can take you home,” Faith said. Jane gave her a puzzled look. Faith grinned at her. “You have been talking in your sleep. You kept calling out for your Papa and said you just want to go home. The doctor would not let us move you until the fever broke, but we can soon. We have hired a nurse, and the most comfortable carriage money can buy.”
Jane was so moved by the lengths her dearest friends were prepared to go to for her. That they could even bear to be in the same room as one another, given that Faith had so recently believed herself to be in love with Elliot and about to become his wife. Jane was sure that it must be mortifying for him to have to be in Faith’s company, knowing that he had hurt her. That they were both inclined to take her on a long cross-country journey together made Jane realize just how blessed she was.
Elliot may not ever love her in the way she wanted him to, but he did truly care for her as a doting older brother might. To have even that much of his affection was more than enough, Jane thought as her eyes closed once more and she drifted into a peaceful slumber.
The Earl's Love Match: A Sweet Regency Romance Page 7