Roman only drives a few blocks before he pulls the car over to the side of the road. “What’s going on?”
“Huh?”
“You’re quiet, and you seem borderline depressed. It’s not like you.”
“I made a mistake,” I say. “And I’m fixing it. That’s all.”
Roman looks up at the ceiling of the car, and then back at me. “You’re kidding, right?”
“About what?”
“You made a mistake. . . how exactly?”
I set my jaw.
“You think getting kidnapped by your mother’s chef was a mistake? Or do you mean that you never should have set Angel free?”
I sigh. “All of it, okay? But please do continue with this highlight reel of the many things I’ve done wrong. It’s super helpful.”
Roman leans across the center console so his face is inches from mine. “You are magnificent, Judica, and much kinder than you let anyone realize. But I’ve seen it. You didn’t make any mistakes. You interrogated Angel, and we searched her belongings, and we found zero evidence of her involvement with your mother’s murder. Letting her go was the right call at the time.”
“A good ruler sees more than one move ahead, Roman.”
He slams his hand down on the console. “You are the best leader I’ve ever seen.”
“So good my mother fired me, and Chancery defeated me, and I was kidnapped. In that order.”
Roman snorts. “You care about your people, and you evaluate every option, and you show mercy when it’s truly merited, and otherwise you uphold justice. And most of all, you are willing to be the bad guy when necessary. That’s an underrated value, you know. Right is always more important to you than popular. Don’t let your mother’s bizarre reversal get into your head.”
“Chancery is the—”
Roman swears loudly. “Don’t throw that up as a barrier. She’s the Empress now, fine. Only because you let her be the Empress. Which was you showing mercy, prudence, and foresight. But if you hadn’t done those things, Melina would have kidnapped her instead of you. Do you think Chancery would have survived and escaped? Do you think she’d have been able to do what you did?”
Probably not.
“You don’t need to answer, because you know I’m right. All we can do in this world is try our very best. Sometimes it’s enough, and sometimes it’s not. But if we drag around the weight of everything that ever went wrong, we’d be anchored in place at the bottom of the sea.”
“Can you just drive, please?”
“Fine.” Roman slams the car into gear and tears down the road.
We reach the spot we agreed upon, a mile and a half away from Melina’s compound. We’re unloading the stuff when we see him.
A sentry.
Melina has a sentry more than a mile and a half away from her base.
Roman pulls his rifle out and shoots the sentry. Three times. We sprint over to where he is, incapacitated by the three gunshots, but not dead.
“Secure him,” I say. “As well as you possibly can, and then deal some slow-healing damage.”
I close my eyes and think. Melina knows more about me than I hoped she did. She’s expecting an attack. Which explains why her search was so lackluster. She knew I’d come running back to her, and now I’ve done exactly what she expected. I’m like a windup toy. Everyone knows how I’ll react.
Roman shoulders his bag and says, “What now?”
“We proceed. So what if she’s ready for us?”
“I’m not balking,” Roman says. “I’ll do whatever you demand, but consider our odds. Your sister has home advantage—”
“Do not call her my sister.”
Roman sighs. “Fine. Melina has the geographic advantage, and on top of that, she’s got who knows how many guards and we have. . .two people.”
“I can take out every single one of her guards with my eyes closed.”
“Maybe so, but all it takes is a few good shots and you’ll be on the ground. You can’t do anything from the ground.”
I’m asking Roman to set the flash grenades and then run like hell from the melee that causes. The risk to him hadn’t really clicked for me before now. “Are you scared?”
“Scared isn’t the right word,” he says. “I’ll do anything you ask, but it doesn’t seem very prudent.” He opens his mouth as if he’s going to say something else, and then shuts it.
“Say what you want to say.”
“Why don’t you contact Chancery? You can use Alamecha resources to do this the right way. If she killed your mother, Chancery would be the first one in line with a pitchfork.”
I don’t need her help. I can do it myself. Even Ambrosia could see I was a warrior. I shake my head. “No, we do this now. Today. Who knows what Melina will do if we give her time? She could run, never to be found, or assassinate someone else, including Chancery.”
Roman’s voice is low, urgent. “Or you.”
“I’d like to see her try again.” That’s a lie. I don’t want someone out there, secretly planning to kill me. General awareness is one thing, but I don’t relish the idea of a target on my back.
“Fine,” Roman says. “But use your radio.”
I click my radio on and slide the earbud in place. “Ready.”
Roman straightens his shoulders and turns to head for the front of the compound. He takes two steps and then pivots back.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
His eyes remind me of storm-tossed waves when they meet mine. He steps closer, and his face is inches away from mine. “We may not pull this off.”
I put a finger to his lips. “We will.”
He reaches up, takes my hand in his, and presses a kiss to my palm. My heart shudders. For the first time since I woke up in that van, my resolve wavers.
“I hope you’re right, but just in case you’re not.” Roman sets his bag down, and grabs my hips with both hands. He pulls me against him and lowers his lips to mine slowly. But this time, it doesn’t feel like he’s giving me time to stop him. He’s daring me to do it.
And I can’t.
Now that he’s mentioned that I might never see him again, I can’t bear the thought. His broad, calm strength. His quiet support. His unfailing confidence. Roman has seen me since I was small. Not the relentless, perfect statute, not the insane berserker, but me. The scared, confused, desperate little girl pretending not to care.
And he wants me in a way none of the power-hungry, accomplished, genetically superior men do. He wants me no matter what my role is within Alamecha. Mother was wrong about him, and now that I know it, the idea of letting him go slays me. His lips against mine are urgent, and when his hands move into my hair, I whimper.
He releases me abruptly and steps backward.
I growl.
He grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “Now let’s do this thing.”
I nod my head dumbly. What thing? Oh. Right. He’s referring to killing Melina. Yes. We should do it, and just as soon as my knees start working again, I will.
When Roman jogs off, he’s still smiling from ear to ear. There’s a matching smile on my face as I move silently through the thorny underbrush, sticker bushes, and tumbleweed. Why would anyone choose to live here? I notice two other sentries, and I evade them easily. But when I reach the wall, I stop cold.
Instead of the simple wall that I left yesterday, I’m looking at a razor-wire topped, electrified perimeter. Every forty feet, a guard with a fifty-caliber gun stands on top of what looks like a hunting blind.
I’m screwed.
“Caesar, it’s me, over.”
“I hear you, Peacekeeper, over.”
“They’ve got fifty-cals and triple the guards. Plus electric and razor upgrades, over.”
“Orders? Over.”
What are my orders? I might be able to squeak through and kill Melina, but I doubt I can make it out alive afterward. And I’m pretty sure Roman will figure that out. He won’t be willing to simply lead people away. He’ll come back for
me, and he’ll die doing it. The idea arrests my heart. I shouldn’t care what happens to me after I die, but I do. There are things worse than leaving this world. I didn’t realize that until this very moment, but there are. I know, and the reason I understand that fact scares me.
Because I love Roman.
I’m not the perfect person Mother raised me to be, and I wasn’t good enough to rule Alamecha. I’m not strong enough to do this alone, either. I can’t fix my mistakes, not if I want to survive, and when I think about Roman, I do. I want to survive.
That thought scares me more than the prospect of fighting my way through Melina’s guards. At least attacking is something I know how to do. Loving someone is not something I ever planned. It’s not something I’m even remotely prepared for. I can’t be someone I’m not, and I can’t let Mother down, not again, and if I go down swinging, well, I’ll take Melina with me. That can be my legacy. I cleared the path for the Eldest, or whatever nonsense Melina was spouting.
Balthasar trained me too well for my feelings to override my head.
“Light them, over,” I say.
“Will do, over.” Roman says.
I close my eyes. I will likely die today, avenging Mother. Then Roman will return, and he might die too, avenging me.
When will it end?
“Wait,” I practically shout. “Don’t.”
“Don’t? Hello?”
“Don’t light it, Roman. I love you.”
No response. Did he hear me? “Roman! I know I said to do it. I don’t want her after me forever. I don’t want to live with a target on my back, but Roman, don’t light the flares. I don’t want to risk it, I don’t want to risk us.”
Still static.
I start back for the car at a dead sprint. I shoot two sentries and keep running. Did someone catch him? Is he alive? What have I done? Why didn’t I realize this sooner? Why am I so stupid?
I slam into something, a very hard thing, and fall on my butt. I heave in a breath to replace the air that was just knocked out of me, and leap to my feet, unsheathing my sword.
“Relax,” a familiar voice says. “It’s only me.”
I turn slowly toward Roman.
“You scared me!” I say. “Why didn’t you respond? I thought you’d died.”
The corner of his mouth turns up. “You were worried about me.”
A tear forms at the corner of my eye and rolls down my cheek.
He rushes to my side and wipes it gently away. “I’m sorry. I wanted to hear you say it in person. It was selfish, and I’m sorry. It didn’t occur to me that you’d panic. I should have known.”
My swing goes wide, but I still land a solid punch on his shoulder.
“Ouch,” he says.
“That’s for freaking me out, you jerk.”
“Should I punch you, too?” he asks.
“For what?”
“For being so goofy you don’t realize how you feel until we’re standing in front of your maniacal family member’s house?”
I roll my eyes.
“Or maybe because you’re insisting we have this whole discussion while the woman who wants you dead is only a mile away.”
“We could be so lucky for her to come strolling out here. I’d take her down so fast—”
Roman kisses me then and every thought in my head dissolves like cotton candy in rain. My heart races. My chest aches. A shiver shoots up my spine.
“That should hold us over,” he says. “Until we can do this more properly.”
Properly. A word I never thought anyone would use to describe me.
I close my eyes and lean my head against his. He’s here, and I’m here, and we’re both alive. His hand reaches under my chin and tilts my face upward. “But I can’t let another second pass without telling you something. Judica Alamecha, I adore your spirit. I love the spark in your eye when you’re cranky. I forget to breathe when I watch you fight. It’s truly a glorious thing. But none of that compares to your bravery in the face of danger, and your righteous fury when someone you love is harmed. You’re the best part of every single day, and when you disappeared a few days ago...” He chokes, and his eyes well with tears. “I know I don’t deserve you. I’m not enough for you, but I swear I will try every single day to improve. I’ll spend every ounce of my strength training, studying, working to be what you need, because I love you. Not a little bit, not most of the time. I love you limitlessly. I love you from the depths of my soul. I love you in the dark and in the light. I love you at your worst, and at your best. I love you from now until forever, with every fiber of my being.”
I can’t formulate words, not in this moment. “Kiss me again.”
And he does. Oh, he does.
16
The Past
“May I have a word?” Inara asks.
I motion for her to precede me into my room, and I close the door behind us.
“I’ve gotten another call from Chancery,” she says. “I thought you might like to know.”
“What now?”
“She heard a rumor about the plans for China.”
I clench my fists. “How could she have heard about that?”
“Apparently Mother left her network to her in some kind of letter.”
I close my eyes. Every time I turn around, Chancery gets another leg up.
“I’m afraid that’s not all the news.”
I run my hand through my hair. “What else?”
Inara looks at her feet. “I believe she has chosen a Consort.”
I swear, repeatedly. “Edam.”
“Even so.”
I kick a pillow that fell to the floor and it flies across the room. “I can’t defeat him,” I say. “I can’t.”
“You need to focus, and detach yourself from who you’re fighting.”
I spin to face her. “You think I don’t know that?”
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m not trying to upset you.”
I breathe in my nose and out through my mouth. “I know you’re trying to help. I do. But there are things you don’t know. Edam’s not normal, not even for an evian.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“Balthasar ran some tests on him. He heals about fifty percent again faster than I do, for instance. He also moves faster than should be possible. He’s a freak, a fighting freak. No matter how much I train, I’ll never be able to defeat him.”
Inara’s brow furrows. “Why is he like that?”
I throw my hands up in the air. “I have no idea, okay? No one knows. The point is that I’ll lose.”
“She may not choose him after all. I gathered from her call that she’s agonized over this decision for days.”
“Perfect,” I say. “Well, maybe she’ll make the moronic choice so she can die. I’m afraid even my twin isn’t quite that stupid.”
“But if she does name him.” Inara pulls a small jar from her pocket. “This might help.”
I gulp. “Tell me that’s not poison.”
She shakes her head. “Of course not. Good heavens. It’s an anti-coagulant. If you coat your blade with it, it’ll slow his healing dramatically.”
Leveling the playing field. “You’re brilliant.”
“It’s illegal, of course. So, don’t tell a soul, not even your guards. Do you understand?”
I pretend to zip my lips closed. “I do.”
“The other news is that she should be here in a few hours. Once she discovered your plans, she stepped up her timetable.”
“I’m not done with my analysis,” I say. “On where I should launch them. I want to do minimal damage, but scare the government badly. I want to foster an environment where they are desperate for allies, not destroy them. I want to leave them no choice but to turn to me.”
Inara inclines her head. “I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m just letting you know that your twin plans to stop you by any method possible. If she has the ring, which we should assume she does, then she’ll have a barga
ining chip. Having something she wants is a good way to demand the ring in exchange.”
I purse my lips. “But this attack will work. After our disastrous start, we really need to begin from a position of strength. Don’t you agree?”
“You know that I do.”
“But you think I should delay the launch to bargain with her?”
Inara taps her lip. “Or.”
“Or what?”
“You could launch it now, before she arrives, and then when she asks you to agree not to do it, you can agree, since it’s already been done. You can always agree not to do something again.”
“And even if Edam kills me, I’ve done Alamecha a favor. Something my weak sister can’t undo.”
Inara nods. “Precisely.”
“Thank you,” I say. “Now if you can select the location for the bombs, that would really, really help.”
“I think I should have time for that,” she says. “But there’s something else.”
“Yes?”
“Alora.”
“What about her?” I ask.
“She’s a power, among the family and outside of it. She’s level-headed, wise, and quite the warrior. You’ll want her on your side after you defeat Chancery.”
“She’s not going to support me. She adores Chancery.”
“But at that point,” Inara says, “it will be water under the bridge. One of the reasons Alora is such a powerhouse is that she’s pragmatic. She’ll understand you were forced into this position.”
“If she even agrees to talk to me.”
Inara smiles. “That’s where I come in. If you make it look like I supported Chancery too, which Alora and Chancery already believe, then after Chancery has passed away, I can credibly go to Alora and tell her why I support you. I can smooth things over.”
Yes. “That would be amazing. I want Alamecha united and strong, not fractured and divided.”
“But.”
“But what?”
“We need to sell it.”
Oh no. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“You’re going to need to torture me. Convincingly. Cut off some fingers. Something that takes time to heal so Chancery can see that I’ve been abused.”
I shake my head. “No way. I can’t do that to you. You’re my sister, and your advice has been tremendously helpful.” And if she hadn’t stayed, I’d have been utterly alone. And she’s so much like Mother that it would feel like I was harming Mother.
unForgiven (The Birthright Series Book 2) Page 19