After the first week had passed, I expected some kind of meeting. We needed to talk about what was happening and what we were going to do. Even as split communities we were all in the same shit situation. But no such summons came from Maxine as we passed on the beach or any of the others. I waited until night on the seventh day, when the watch was abandoned and everyone would be at camp. Then I made my way up there, determined to come to some agreement.
I found the clearing deserted and smoke rising thickly from the hut. No surprise that they were all hunkered down for the evening. I stopped outside and knocked on the door post. There was muttering inside, then Shaun stuck his head out.
‘Maddy, what’s up?’
‘I came up to talk about what we should do now – it’s been a week.’
‘Right … Uh … we were gonna come and see you tomorrow.’
‘Oh … Can we talk now instead?’
‘It’s not really the best time right now,’ Shaun said, looking anywhere but in my eyes. ‘Everyone’s kind of tired and … You know how it is.’
‘Right, so you want me to go?’
‘Sorry,’ he said, lamely.
I caught a whiff then, from inside the hut. The smell of cooking meat, but also of spices and tomatoes. I sighed.
‘I don’t care that you guys are eating the food from the portacabin, OK? So if that’s the reason you won’t let me in—’
‘No, it’s not that,’ Shaun said quickly, glancing at the camera on my chest. ‘It’s just that … uh …’ he chewed his lip and lowered his voice. ‘Duncan thinks that, I mean, we all think that it would be best if you didn’t come around here. Because … you know … you stole that cake thing before and we don’t want any of our food going … missing.’
‘Are you kidding me? He wasn’t that concerned about theft when you were all having secret dinners together, or helping yourselves to what I foraged!’ I took a step back and raised my voice further. ‘Just admit it, Duncan, you’ve been stealing with both hands and this is all just bullshit to justify starving me out.’
‘Shut the door, Shaun, it’s getting cold,’ came Andrew’s voice.
‘Tell the bitch to piss off,’ Duncan jeered.
Shaun looked uncomfortable. ‘We’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?’
Catching his eye for the first time I noticed a glazed look. He was high on something; most likely the others were also drinking mushroom tea. There was no point getting into it now.
‘I’ll be waiting,’ I said, and turned to go, ignoring the catcalls from inside the hut as I retreated from the clearing. I picked my way down to the tipi and got myself warmed through. I was angry and humiliated, but I would handle it tomorrow.
Chapter 23
‘Do you think it was mostly his fault? Duncan, I mean,’ Rosie asks, as I pause to collect myself.
I frown, not appreciating the interruption. I have a story to tell and an order in which to tell it. This woman knows nothing of what I’ve gone through, and from her question I see she’s not been paying attention.
‘Duncan was only one person. He wasn’t a good person, at least, not to me, or even the others really. But he couldn’t have done what he did alone. If anyone else had said no, had refused to participate, things would have been different. I think he was blinkered. He believed in what he was saying about me, what he was doing to me. But the others, Gill, Maxine, Zoe … they knew it was wrong, that they could easily become targets, and so they joined in.’
‘You think they made a conscious choice to appease Duncan, rather than be made outsiders as well?’
I shrug. ‘I can’t speak for them, only what I think, but yes … to a certain extent they were afraid, and they made a calculation for survival. We all did, in our own way.’
‘If things had been different; if, say, there had been more food, better weather, if you’d taken a more passive role, do you think things would have gone the same way?’
I’ve thought about this, obviously. It took up a great deal of my time as I sat in a police cell, going over and over what had happened. What if I had done things differently? What if the show had ended when it was meant to? What if we’d all gone home to our lives as normal people and not what we became?
‘I think … there were things we all could have done differently. But, given who was with us and what they had already done … I think violence was inevitable.’
Chapter 24
Next morning I built up a campfire in my watch spot on the beach and made myself some elderberry tea to keep myself warm. I’d already found a few things on the beach, including a length of PVC pipe, cracked but useable, and a large crab that I’d trapped in a bucket of water and was leaving for later.
They arrived shortly before midday. It was the first time I’d seen most of them in a week. The change was quite stark. On the day we’d expected to depart they’d seemed ragged and thin, but happy. Now there was an air of depression around all of them. There were dark circles under their eyes. Andrew’s jumper had food down the front and all aside from Zoe were squinting in the bright light. I suspected they were hungover. I couldn’t tell from Zoe’s frame under the bulky hiking coat if she was showing signs of pregnancy. Perhaps even without it the lack of food would have made it hard to tell. Of all of us, I was the only one with my camera around my chest.
‘Morning,’ I said, gesturing to the fire. ‘Feel free to have a seat.’
No one said anything and I felt a pulse of unease. Then Duncan cleared his throat and rubbed a hand over his ragged beard.
‘This won’t take long,’ he said. ‘We’ve been discussing the situation and it seems likely that we’re going to be on our own for a while. For whatever reason. So we need to survive as best we can until we know more, or until the situation resolves itself. For all we know the production company’s gone bust and they’re waiting on the coastguard or the army to come and get us out of here.’
I’d considered this. The entire process of getting to the island; the lack of a real presenter, the small boat, only ever meeting Sasha or Adrian. It all screamed ‘low budget’. If the company had discovered they didn’t have the money to hire a boat, they’d have to get outside help to rescue us. But if so, why hadn’t they realised before the day we were due to leave, and what was taking them so long? After all, not everyone was like me, they had people waiting for them. Surely someone would have tried to contact the camera guys to tell us what was happening? Did they not care that there had been no response? Why had no one sent a boat to check on us? I hoped that Duncan was right, but inside I remained sceptical. Something else was going on.
‘Seems sensible,’ was all I said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
‘To that end, we’ve come for the book,’ Duncan said, as if I hadn’t spoken.
‘The book?’
‘The foraging book. We want it back. We need it more than you and it belongs to the community – which you left.’
‘I didn’t exactly leave of my own volition,’ I pointed out. ‘But you’re right, I don’t really need it now that I’ve committed most of it to memory. I can trade it to you for something else.’
‘Trade?’
‘For some of the rabbits, to breed from,’ I said. ‘Then you have access to foraged food and I have access to meat. Everyone wins.’
Duncan shook his head. ‘We don’t have any.’
‘You must do, you’re not stupid enough to kill all of them.’
It was the wrong thing to say. Duncan’s eyes immediately narrowed and he drew himself up taller. I’d pissed him off.
‘We weren’t exactly planning on needing them,’ he said.
‘All right, how about access to the rabbit trap instead?’
Duncan held up a hand to stop me. ‘I’m not arguing over it. Just hand the book over.’
‘I’m not arguing – I’m trying to negotiate. You want the book, fine, but I need things too and it’s not like I’m going to use up the trap. You’ll get it back.’
�
�You shouldn’t have taken it in the first place. That book belongs to the community and you’re going to hand it over, now,’ Duncan insisted.
I was stunned. ‘That book belongs to me, because I bought it – and if you want it, you have to trade fairly for it.’
It happened very quickly. One moment I was standing there, trying to explain my side, the next I was lying on my back on the gravel beach. There were twin pains in my chest where Duncan’s hands had shoved me. I gasped, mostly out of shock. Above me there was cold silence, punctuated only when Zoe said Duncan’s name, quietly, like a question.
‘Help me search the shack,’ he said, then gestured at Gill, Zoe and Maxine. ‘You keep her here.’
He didn’t wait for an answer, but walked off in the direction of my tipi. Andrew, Shaun and Frank followed in his wake. I rolled onto my side and started to get up, only to be pushed back down by firm hands.
‘Gill!’ Zoe exclaimed.
‘You heard Duncan. She stays here,’ Gill said.
‘But she doesn’t have to stay on the ground. Jesus!’ Zoe offered me her hand and helped me get up.
Gill circled around me to stand between me and the path to my tipi. I glanced at Maxine, but she was already moving to stand beside Gill. Together they formed a barrier and though I knew I could shove past them and run if I wanted to, what could I do against the four guys? Being shoved to the floor had shaken me. I’d expected Duncan to argue, to shout, but not to physically force me out of his way. What scared me most was that no one had said anything. No one had said ‘no’, or ‘stop’. No one had said ‘enough’.
I reached for the camera harness, reminding myself it was still there. Even if the others had discarded their cameras I still had mine on and working. If somehow this was all still being captured I had evidence, I had proof. If we ever got away from the island, I could tell my story.
‘If’ being the operative word.
I stood there in silence, worrying about what would happen when they didn’t find what they were looking for. The book was still in the secret cave, where it had been since I’d noticed them stealing from me. In the distance I heard thumps and crashing, knew that my little home was being thoroughly ransacked. After a while I chanced a look at Gill and Maxine; both had relaxed slightly and were looking over towards my tipi, enjoying the show. Zoe was still near me, now seated on a rock.
‘I need your help,’ she said quietly, glancing over at the others.
I didn’t need to ask with what. ‘Are you sure now, that you are?’
She nodded. ‘I can’t be pregnant, not stuck here like this. Is there … is there something you can do?’
I could see she’d thought about it. The idea of trying to end her pregnancy with plant remedies just to prolong her time on the island had been unquestionably stupid. But there were risks involved in pregnancy at the best of times and we were definitely not in the best of times. I was worried about the toll pregnancy would take on her already malnourished body and it was clear she was as well.
‘Will you help?’ she whispered. ‘Can you make like, a tea or a potion or something?’
‘I can try,’ I said.
‘Try what?’ Gill said.
I jumped a little, having not noticed her as she sidled closer. Zoe looked like a trapped rabbit, her eyes large with panic.
‘Nothing,’ she said, too quickly.
Gill narrowed her eyes. ‘What were you talking to her about?’
‘I just … wanted some advice,’ Zoe said.
In the distance I could see the pack of men returning. Internally I begged Zoe to shut up. I didn’t need any more fuel to be thrown on Duncan’s fire, not now he knew the book was missing.
‘Advice about what? The baby?’
Zoe stiffened. ‘How did—’
‘Hard to keep secrets when we’re all living on top of each other. I noticed you haven’t been cleaning that plastic cup thing – haven’t used it at all in fact. And the way you were carrying on with Shaun … So you are pregnant, is that it?’
Her piercing voice clearly carried, because Shaun broke away from the others and came running. He stopped in front of Zoe, big-eyed and excited as a golden retriever.
‘Zo? Did she just say …’
Zoe burst into tears, nodding.
The guys rejoined the group and the palpable anger on their faces was momentarily replaced by confusion. Then Duncan pointed at me.
‘Where’ve you hidden it?’ he demanded.
I snorted, recklessly showing my contempt. ‘Or you’ll do what? Push me again? Hit me? Show us what a big man you are?’
For the first time I saw pure hatred replace dislike in his eyes. Duncan loathed me. Fear spiked in me and curdled my adrenalin and anger. For the first time I wasn’t just afraid that they’d steal from me or destroy my things – I was afraid they’d hurt me. Physically.
Zoe was still crying, now in Shaun’s arms as he looked around helplessly.
‘Zoe’s pregnant,’ he said, stunned, to no one in particular.
‘And Maddy’s trying to get her to take some kind of abortion potion,’ Gill said, like a schoolgirl pertly telling tales.
I felt my face colour. Clearly she had been eavesdropping. Maxine looked shocked, Frank’s drink-bloated face settled in a mask of disgust and Shaun gripped Zoe tighter.
‘Is that true, Zoe?’
She looked up and for a second I thought how beautiful she looked, her nose pink from the cold, eyelashes dark and sparkling with tears. Then our eyes met and though hers quickly darted away, I saw in them the instinct of self-preservation. My heart sank.
‘Yes,’ Zoe whispered, pressing herself further into Shaun’s arms and away from the anger of the others. ‘It’s true. She told me she could give me something to get rid of the baby.’
‘Why the fuck would you say something like that to her?’ Shaun snapped at me.
I looked only at him, not wanting to invite anyone else from the mob to lay into me.
‘Because we don’t have access to a hospital, or doctors anymore. She could very well die because of this pregnancy, here, on this island,’ I said. Shaun started to shake his head, disbelieving and angry, I continued, relentless. ‘There are a thousand things that could go wrong and we have no way of predicting or dealing with complications. The safest thing, the only thing we can do, is end her pregnancy now, in the early stages. It’s about minimising risk.’
‘Stop it!’ Shaun shouted. ‘That’s … You’re just scaring her.’ He kissed the top of Zoe’s head. ‘It’s OK. I’m not going to let her poison you.’
‘If that’s what she’s getting up to, she shouldn’t have that book – for all our sakes,’ Gill put in. ‘We still don’t know what happened to those poor men.’
I felt suddenly unreal. ‘Are you suggesting I poisoned the camera crew? Why the hell would I do that? Never mind how.’
‘Maybe this is all you – trying to keep us here,’ Gill snapped. ‘You poisoned us before, didn’t you? Maybe you decided you like being here. So you killed them, sabotaged the radio.’
‘That’s insane,’ I said. ‘Why on earth would I want to be stuck here with you lot? All you’ve done for months is try to do me down, steal my food and shut me out.’
‘So you tried to poison us with those mushrooms!’ Gill said, victorious.
‘I never thought you’d take those sodding mushrooms!’
‘Enough!’ Duncan roared, and Gill fell silent, like a yappy dog hearing its master. Duncan took a deep breath and then jabbed his finger at me once more.
‘You’re going to tell me where you’ve hidden that book, right now.’
‘I don’t have it. I burned it,’ I said, unwilling to admit that I had a hiding place. If they knew about it, they’d go looking.
‘Bullshit! There’s fuck all in that hut but clothes and some shit off the beach. Because you’ve stashed it somewhere, haven’t you? Like the oh-so-clever bitch you are. Where. Is. It?’
I didn’t
trust myself to speak. Whatever I said would be the wrong thing. So I kept silent. Duncan’s eyes bored into me for a long moment, then he shook his head.
‘All right, since you want to do this the hard way. Listen up, everyone.’ He looked around the group. ‘Maddy here got nothing out of the portacabin. So while she’s down to her last scrapings of moss or whatever, we’ve got enough food for months. Not to mention the medicine, the first-aid stuff … So we can just wait. And eventually she is going to lead us straight to that book. But until then, she doesn’t exist – got it? We don’t talk to her, we don’t see her, don’t help her.’
‘And she doesn’t come near Zoe,’ Shaun put in.
I glanced around at the assembled faces. I’d agreed to trade for the book, but that wasn’t what they wanted. No. Duncan’s pride meant he wouldn’t give me anything and as for the rest of them … they needed a distraction. Baiting me, shutting me out, that was the only pastime the island had to offer, other than speculating on our bleak futures. They needed the book, true, but they needed me to withhold it more. They needed an excuse to hate me, to make an enemy of me. If I handed the book over, it would be something else tomorrow. Nothing would be enough, because if they had no one to blame, no one to talk about or stigmatise, they had no outlet for their fear.
I saw all of this in that moment and felt very afraid.
After a few moments Duncan sniffed and turned away. The others followed him, one by one, until I was alone on the beach watching their retreating backs. Zoe still with Shaun’s arm around her. I didn’t relax or even dare move until long after they’d all vanished into the treeline.
On shaking legs I made my way back to my tipi. It was in a mess, as expected. My clothes and bedding had been pulled out and strewn over the wet ground, trampled. My bags completely turned out and their contents rifled through, wash things mixed with my dirty hiking boots, reusable sanitary pads chucked to one side in disgust. My crab bucket was overturned, the water turning the packed dirt floor to mud. The crab itself was gone. Maybe they’d taken it, or just thrown it somewhere. I slowly put things to rights, then sat, staring at the embers of my fire, and cried.
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