Holding my flip-flops, I sneak down the stairs. I’m sure the neighbors can hear my heart pounding. When I get to the fourth stair from the bottom, I slide my left leg down so I can skip the creaky stair, desperately clinging to the wall. I’m too short for these kinds of contortions.
When I finally make it to the bottom of the stairs, I nervously look up to the second floor, expecting Mom to bust out of her room and ground me for life. But nothing happens. I don’t hear anything.
I sneak out the back door.
So this is what the world is like when everyone else is sleeping. The oppressive humidity of the day is mostly gone. It’s at least ten degrees cooler. All I hear are crickets. Fireflies are all around. I could get used to exploring the world at night.
Jason’s waiting for me at the end of my driveway. He looks as happy as I feel. I run the rest of the way, which is not easy to do in flip-flops. I slam into him and hold on tight.
“Whoa,” Jason goes. “Hi there.”
“Hi.”
“Ready?”
“Always.”
Jason parked his Jeep far enough down the road so no one would hear him start it. We get in. He got this old Jeep when he turned seventeen. It’s kind of beat-up, but he’s proud of it. I like riding in it with the wind whipping all around. Sometimes it gets scary when we’re going down a jagged dirt road. It feels like the whole thing is about to shatter into a thousand pieces. But you know. It’s scary in a thrilling sort of way.
The Jeep’s roof is off. The warm wind whips all around us. We have the whole town to ourselves.
If life could always be as perfect as this, there would be no hate.
Jason’s cell rings.
“I thought I turned that off,” he goes. He takes it out of the cup holder and checks the screen. “Crap. It’s Greg.”
“We’re not here.”
“No, he left a message before about some party and I didn’t call him back. He’ll harass me all night if I don’t talk to him.”
From what he’s told me, Jason hasn’t been talking to Greg that much. That’s why he didn’t tell Greg about breaking up with Erin. Jason hasn’t even seen him since the breakup.
Jason pulls over. He says, “Hey,” into the phone.
Greg is yelling so loudly that I can totally hear him. “Dude!” he yells. “Where you at?”
“I’m not coming,” Jason tells him.
“What?” Greg yells. Music is blasting in the background. “I can’t hear you!”
“I said I’m not coming!”
“Why not?”
“I’m busy.”
“With what?”
“With stuff. I’ll make it to the next one.”
“Get your ass over here!” Greg yells.
“I gotta go.”
“What?”
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”
“You suck!” Greg yells.
Jason snaps his phone closed.
“Did you want to go to that party?” I ask. “Because I don’t mind.”
“Well, I mind. Does any of that sound remotely fun to you?”
“Um, no?”
“Good answer,” Jason says. “There’s a reason you’re pretty much the only one I’ve been hanging out with this summer.”
At first I thought it was kind of strange that Jason doesn’t have a best friend, but now I get it. Jason’s friends with a lot of people. It’s just that he doesn’t really connect with any of them on a deeper level. We’re the only ones who get each other the way we’ve always wanted to be gotten.
When we come over the top of the hill, the huge moon is looming in front of us. I’ve never seen the moon this big. It’s so big it’s almost scary.
“It’s like an early harvest moon,” I marvel.
“I’ve heard of those, but I have no idea what they are.”
“It’s the full moon closest to the autumnal equinox.” I don’t say what the harvest moon means astrologically. It represents a time of clearing up emotional issues. It’s a time for forgiving yourself and letting go of baggage to prepare for new growth. None of which I’m ready to do. Good thing it’s not a real harvest moon.
The moon’s all massive and orange on the edge of the horizon.
“It just rose a few minutes ago,” Jason says. “That’s why it looks so big. It’s an optical illusion.”
“I know.” When the moon is close to the horizon, your mind compares it with other objects you’re seeing around it, like trees and houses. If the moon always looked this big, it would be awesome. There would be some serious moonlight all the time.
“I wish it could always be like this.”
“I was just thinking that.”
I lean against Jason, watching the moon, trying to hold on to how all of this feels. I don’t ever want to forget any of it.
28
It’s impossible to believe that school starts in two weeks. I have absolutely no idea where the summer went. I guess that’s what happens when you’re in love. Time plays tricks on you.
I agreed with Jason that we’d tell Erin about us when she got home. She’s staying longer at camp for a training session so she can be a counselor next summer. Ever since Greg confronted me about seeing us together, we haven’t done much in public. Jason would rather avoid everyone than risk Erin finding out before we tell her. We’ve only gone to the movies once and we’ve been avoiding The Fountain. The few times we’ve seen kids from school, we’ve acted casual. Today Jason’s lifeguarding at Green Pond. I’m laying out (close to Jason’s post, but not too close), which is totally harmless since I probably won’t even talk to him.
But the second we’re alone, we can’t take our hands off each other.
The only thing I can think about is kissing Jason. My skin burns to touch him. It’s like a fever. I’m so distracted even when I’m doing simple things, like helping Mom in the garden. One time I yanked out a tomato plant when I was weeding.
I am insane.
Nights are when we can be together for real. These summer nights with Jason are the most intense ever. It’s impossible to imagine experiencing anything remotely close to them again. I already know that I’ll remember this time of my life forever, no matter what happens. I’ve snuck out a few more times to see him. So far, we haven’t been caught.
I can’t wait for tonight. When we can finally be alone. When I can kiss him for hours.
The waiting is torture.
I need to put more sunblock on. My skin is totally crispy. I’m sure it would probably feel great to get in the water, but that’s not happening.
Almost everyone is in the water. It’s scorching hot today. I spray more sunblock on, especially around my bikini top. I usually don’t spray carefully enough there and then I get sunburned along the edges of my straps.
Jason’s up in his tall lifeguard chair, watching the water. He looks really good today. I mean, he looks good every day, but there’s something extra cute about him today. All I want to do is climb up the ladder and sit with him. It would be so awesome if we could just be boyfriend and girlfriend like everyone else. How can two people have a legitimate relationship if no one else knows about it?
Jason catches me looking at him. He smiles. We both have sunglasses on, but I can see his exact eye color, burned into my memory.
“Hey, Lani,” Connor says. “Is this spot taken?”
“It’s all yours.” I’ve seen Connor out here a few times before. He always comes over to say hi, but this is the first time he’s sat next to me. I wish Blake could be here, but he has glassblowing almost every day, while I only work a few days a week.
Connor spreads his towel out. It has a moose and two guys on it.
“What’s that moose?” I ask.
“Oh!” Connor laughs. “I’ve had this forever.”
“Who are those guys with him?”
“Bob and Doug.” From the way he says this, it’s like I should know who Bob and Doug are.
“Who are they?”
“You don’t know Bob and Doug McKenzie?”
“Not so much.”
“Jeez!” Connor tells me all about them. Apparently, they’re big in Canada. Something about donuts and hosers and tuques.
I’m like, “What’s a tuque?”
“Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting they don’t call them that here. It’s a winter hat.”
“Then why don’t you just call it a hat?”
“It’s a special hat. It has a pom-pom.”
“Well, if it has a pom-pom . . .”
Connor puts on industrial strength sunblock. “How’s the water?” he says.
“I hear it’s great.”
“You haven’t gone in yet?”
“I’m not going in.”
“Why not? It’s like a thousand degrees out!”
“I like the heat.” That’s such a lie. But I’d rather lie than have to explain where my fear of water comes from. Connor probably doesn’t know about the accident. By the time he moved here, it was ancient history in the gossip department.
I spend the next few hours flipping through my glossy magazines and sweating more than I thought was humanly possible and talking to Connor and sneaking looks at Jason. When it gets unbearably hot, I start packing up my stuff.
Connor goes, “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Do you . . . um, would you . . . do you want to do something sometime?”
Oh, no. I had a feeling this was coming. Ever since that day in art last year when Connor sort of said I was pretty, I’ve been scared he was about to go there.
Still, I should clarify. “You mean . . . like . . . a date?”
“Yeah.”
See, here’s where it gets complicated. It’s not like I can come right out and tell Connor that I have a boyfriend. He’ll want to know who and then what would I say? So how do I tell him that I’m unavailable without explaining why?
The only person who knows the truth about Jason and me is Blake. I know I can trust him not to tell Erin or anyone else. At first, I wasn’t going to tell anyone about us. But I was dying to tell. So I told Blake everything, right after that first kiss. Blake’s ecstatic. He could not be more excited for me.
“Um . . .” Connor’s a great guy and he’s always super nice to me. The spark just isn’t there. So maybe I could say that I just like him as a friend. Isn’t that what I’d do if I weren’t seeing Jason? “I, uh . . .” That sounds really bad, though. I don’t want to hurt him. And he might not want to be friends with me after hearing that. “I can’t. Go out with you.”
Connor studies his moose towel.
“It’s because . . .” I don’t want him to get weird with me, so I have to tell him something. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Definitely,” Connor says. “I’m really good at that.”
“Okay, well . . . I’m seeing someone. But it’s a secret, so you can’t tell anyone.”
“Who?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“Yeah, but I still can’t tell you.”
Connor grins. “Is it someone scandalous?”
“Sort of.” It feels so good to be talking about Jason even though Connor doesn’t know who we’re talking about. It’s making me giddy. “Sorry I can’t tell you.”
“At least I wasn’t rejected, eh?”
“You were not rejected.”
“Of course you’re taken. Why wouldn’t you be?”
“You’re sweet.” I drop my water bottle into my bag and put on my flip-flops. “See you later?”
“You’re coming back?”
“No, I mean . . . another day?”
“Oh. Yeah.”
Walking by Jason’s lifeguard chair, it’s really hard not to say anything to him. I was planning on finding out about later tonight, but Connor’s watching me. I don’t want him to get suspicious. So I pass by Jason without even looking up.
29
The week before school starts flies by in a blur of Jason. We spend every second we can together. I’m not sneaking out at night anymore, though. I almost got caught coming back in the last time. It’s seriously reducing our quality alone time. Plus, all these other things are going on.
MONDAY.
It’s my last day helping Mom at the green market. We’ve just finished putting out the baskets of vegetables and setting up the price signs when someone goes, “Lani?”
I look up. And there’s Jason’s mom.
Oh, no. No no no no no.
These are two moms who were never supposed to meet. My mom knows everyone so I’m sure she’s met Jason’s mom before, but I can tell that Mom can’t quite remember who she is. As long as they were kept apart, neither of them could figure out how much time Jason and I have been spending together. Neither of them would conclude that we’re more than friends. My mom’s met Jason and his mom’s met me, but they both think that whenever Jason and I do stuff, it’s mostly a group situation.
The parental-gossip chain rivals their kids’. I can’t risk the truth getting out that way.
“Hi,” I say reluctantly. I consider hiding in the squash basket. It’s probably not big enough. “Mom, do you know—”
“You’re Jason’s mom, right?” Mom extends her hand. They spend the next few minutes catching up on back-to-school news. I try to look busy even though we’re done setting up. When a customer comes up to our table, I practically knock him over with enthusiasm. He buys some peppers.
Then I’m alone with the moms.
Who are staring at me.
“I was just saying how nice it is that you and Jason have become such good friends,” Jason’s mom goes.
“Oh, you’ve noticed that, too?” Mom asks, faux-innocently.
I am mortified.
“Well, I’d better be going,” Jason’s mom says. “I’m sure I’ll see you again soon, Lani.”
My face gets hot. Is it my imagination, or are the moms looking at me like they know something I wish they didn’t know?
It’s becoming increasingly obvious that I’m not fooling anyone.
TUESDAY.
Jason and I declare the night to be arts-and-crafts time. One of the kids at the pond brought Jason some extra kaleidoscope kits from his day camp, so we’re making kaleidoscopes. I’m also putting Jason’s perfect circle-drawing skills to work making some cardboard Earths for me to glue onto posters for One World.
After my parents met Jason, he was allowed in my room. With the door open. Yesterday I got the feeling that my parents have known exactly what Jason and I are the whole time I was telling them that we weren’t. I’m still insisting we’re just friends, though. Part of the whole arts-and-crafts night was so Jason could come over and show that nothing’s going on.
We’ve spread out all the supplies on my bed. Jason is drawing yet another perfect circle.
“How can you always draw such perfect circles?” I go.
“It’s an inherent skill. Circular sketching is one of those things that can’t be developed.”
“Fascinating.”
The cardboard crunches as Jason cuts into it.
Out of nowhere, I’m like, “Did I ever tell you about the time Erin and I had our palms read?” I never told Jason that the psychic knew about him. But suddenly I have to tell him that she knew. With Erin coming home and school starting soon, I need to make sure things with us won’t change.
“When was that?”
“Um . . . last April?”
“No, you never told me.”
“Oh.” I pick up one of Jason’s cardboard circles. “Well, it was just . . . there’s this psychic in town who reads palms and tarot cards and we went in.” Some fibers are sticking out from the edge of the circle. I pull on them. “She knew about you. The psychic, I mean.”
“Really?”
“Like, she didn’t say Jason or anything, just that you were . . . that you were going to come into my life.”
“Whoa.”
“I know.” I scrape my fingernail along the edge of the circle.
“How did you know she was talking about me?”
“It was obvious.”
Jason takes the circle from me before I completely destroy it. “Did you want this to be a different shape, or . . . ?”
“Oh! Sorry.”
“No worries. There are plenty more where that came from.” Jason starts drawing another circle. “So . . . what did she say?”
“Just that you’re . . . important to me.”
I feel like I’m going to cry. It’s really hard to find the right words when you’re afraid to say the things you desperately want to say. I’m scared that things might change after our perfect summer is over. Underneath it all, the panic that Erin will eventually be back has always been there. Now it’s suddenly like Erin will be home in a few days and I can’t enjoy being with Jason the same way anymore. I’m all tense. The Unknown can attack at any time. It can rip your whole life to pieces. Things can change so quickly. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen with us.
The uncertainty is killing me.
“Come here,” Jason says.
I scrunch over a little.
“No,” he goes. “Here.”
I scrunch all the way over to him. I glance at my open door.
Jason puts his arms around me. I lean against him, feeling safe for now. I just wonder how much longer this feeling will last.
WEDNESDAY.
There have been a few days this summer that I thought were the hottest ever, but today is hotter than all of them put together. A walk on Venus would be a relief right about now. Jason has to work and I have the day off, so I asked Blake over to get soaked on the Slip ’n Slide. His internship just ended, but he’s totally psyched to continue glassblowing. His mentor said he can use some of the studio space one day a week after school. He even wants to sell some of Blake’s pieces. I’m really happy for him. He deserves good things.
When Blake comes out in his bathing suit, I whistle.
“Excuse me,” I go, “no one told me this was a sexy party.”
“Well, it must be if you were invited.”
“Ha.” I pick up the hose and blast it on the Slip ’n Slide. “Ready?”
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