But if he didn’t tell anyone, who did?
Jason and I have physics together second period. We’re getting assigned seats tomorrow, but for today we can sit wherever we want. I snagged us two desks next to each other in the back. We need to talk.
When Jason comes in, I wave to him. He doesn’t smile when he sees me, like I thought he would. That’s okay, though. I’m not smiling, either.
Jason sits down. He goes, “Did you hear about Blake?”
“Of course. The whole school’s talking about it.” I’m trying not to be mad, but this is ridiculous. Jason is the only other person who knows about Blake. How else could this have gotten out?
The bell rings. Everyone shuts up. After our teacher hands out the class contract and starts going over it, I quietly pop my binder open. I take out a piece of paper.
I write:
How do people know about Blake?
I fold the note and pass it to Jason.
He writes back:
I have no idea.
Then:
We’re the only people who know. or, we were.
What are you saying?
Did you tell anyone about Blake?
Of course not! I can’t believe you’re even asking me that.
Then how else did it get out?
It wasn’t me. I swear.
I glance over at Jason. I think he’s telling the truth. Why would he tell anyone anyway? That’s just not something he would do.
After class, Blake finds me in the hall. With all the first-day-back chaos, Blake’s able to pull me out the side doors without any adult types seeing.
He goes, “Did you tell someone?”
“No!”
Blake doesn’t look convinced. “Are you sure?”
“Why would I do that to you?”
“I don’t know, Lani. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”
“I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Then how does everyone know?”
I want to believe Jason. I mean, I do believe him. I just had to ask if he told. He was obviously offended that I didn’t completely trust him, but no one else freaking knows.
Blake puts his face really close to mine. “Swear to me on my life that you didn’t tell anyone.”
I can’t swear on his life. That would totally be challenging fate. If things are ever going to be okay, I have to tell the truth. Starting now.
“Promise you won’t get mad if I tell you,” I say.
“Tell me what?”
“Promise you won’t get mad first.”
“I can’t promise that.”
“I told Jason.”
“What the—”
“I didn’t mean to! It just came out!”
“How does something like that just come out? You promised me you’d never tell anyone!”
“He was saying that he thought you were my boyfriend and I—”
“So you told him I’m gay? You couldn’t just say we’re friends?”
“But he said—”
“It doesn’t matter what he said! My life is over! Do you even get that?”
I’ve never seen Blake this furious. Not even after the worst fights with his dad.
My eyes tear up. “I’m sorry. It just came out!”
Blake is disgusted with me. “I trusted you,” he says.
“You can still trust me. Just let me explain. He—”
“Save it,” Blake says. He turns away.
“Wait, let me—”
“Nothing you say can fix this. Everyone knows. Because of you.”
Blake storms off, away from school.
I chase after him across the lawn. Trying to keep up with Blake is hard. He’s way taller than me. He’s walking so fast that I have to run to keep up with him.
I try to explain again. “Please just—”
“How could you do this to me?”
“Jason said he wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“And look how well that turned out!”
“I don’t think he’s the one who told.”
“You told more people?!”
“No!”
“Then who else would tell, Lani? You’re the only one who knew!”
“I don’t know. But it wasn’t Jason. I just asked him about it in physics and I could tell it wasn’t him.”
He stops walking. “Okay, think. Where were you guys when you told him?”
“Here.”
“At school?”
“No one else was in the room with us—”
“You were in a classroom?”
I nod.
“Which one?”
“Um.” I can’t remember. It was cloudy. The room was dark. Jason—
“Which one?”
“The one next to guidance. One seventeen.”
“And no one else was in there with you?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Did you check everywhere?”
I didn’t. I mean, you go into an empty classroom, it’s dark, you don’t see anyone sitting there, you assume it’s empty.
“Whatever,” Blake says.
This time when he leaves, I let him go. If I were Blake, I’m sure I’d be leaving, too. Some of these kids can be brutal. I can’t believe that homophobia still exists. It should be an archaic concept by now. Why can’t everyone understand that we’re all human—different but the same?
33
Blake never came back to school yesterday. Which is really bad, considering it was the first day and all. He has to be here today.
While I’m waiting for Blake out front, Jason pulls into the student lot. I watch him park his Jeep. I wish we could just be together. I’ve never wanted anything so much in my life.
Jason walks toward me across the lawn. He tried talking to Erin again after school yesterday. She ignored him. Then he tried calling her last night. She didn’t pick up. The same thing happened with me trying to call Blake an embarrassing amount of times.
“Why don’t I just tell her?” I said when Jason called me. “She’s obviously not going to talk to you. We can’t keep waiting like this.”
“I’m not waiting,” Jason went. “I’m ready to tell her.”
“What about emailing her?”
“It’s not right to do this over email.”
“It’s not right that we can’t be together, either.”
Watching him coming closer, every part of me aches to touch him. But then everyone would totally see.
Unless . . .
Jason walks by slowly, all close. He looks at me. He doesn’t say anything. His eyes are the darkest green.
I go, “Meet me under the stairs in the science wing before lunch.” We have the same lunch again this year. Except this time, Erin’s also in our lunch. It was really hard to sit with her yesterday, pretending nothing was wrong while I snuck looks at Jason three tables over. I hope he snuck looks at me, too. As if that didn’t suck enough, we’re not allowed to leave for lunch this year. Some idiotic senior ruined lunch privileges at the end of last year by making a total ruckus in Blimpie, so now we’re being punished. Seniors are trapped in the caf until next semester.
Jason nods and keeps walking. I know I said that I didn’t want to see him until Erin knows, but I can’t do this anymore. He’s all I can think about. Now that we can’t be together, I want him a hundred times more. It’s driving me crazy.
Blake finally shows up two minutes before the first bell. He isn’t exactly rushing to be on time.
“Please don’t stay mad at me,” I go. “I hate that we’re in a fight.”
Blake’s like, “Whose fault is that, I wonder?” Then he brushes past me.
Every class before lunch takes forever to end. Glaring at the clock in history, I swear time actually goes backward.
As soon as the bell rings, I shove my stuff in my bag and run to the science wing. There’s a secret hiding place under the stairs. I don’t know if anyone else knows a
bout it. I found it one day in ninth grade when we were doing an activity in the hall for bio and my Styrofoam ball rolled under there.
Waiting for Jason, I concentrate on being quiet. If someone found me hiding under the stairs like this, I would be mortified. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he gets here. I just know that I have to be alone with him.
I hear the door at the top of the stairs open. Some girls are laughing.
“It’s just a nasty rumor,” one girl says. “He’s not gay.”
“How would you know?” the other girl fires back.
“Um, maybe because he had a major crush on me last year?”
“Did he ask you out?”
“Not exactly. But he totally flirted with me in chemistry.”
“That doesn’t prove anything.”
“Why would he flirt with me if he’s gay?”
“Hello! So no one would suspect him?”
“Not like it matters. He was going out with Lani.”
I hold my breath. Who are these girls? I don’t recognize their voices. Do I know them? And why aren’t they moving?
“Maybe they’re just friends.”
“Yeah, right! Have you ever seen them together?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Trust me. Nothing about that is platonic.”
The door swings open again. A new girl is like, “Where’d you guys go?” Her voice is lower than the others’.
“Here, obviously.”
“Isn’t Blake going out with Lani?” the first girl goes.
“Blake’s gay.” This from the girl who just got here.
“No, he’s not. He totally flirted with me last year.”
“What a load,” the new girl says. “Ryan said he heard Lani say that Blake is gay.”
“Which Ryan?”
“Ryan Campanelli.”
“When?”
“At the end of last year.”
“Yeah, like she’d really be talking about that in front of Ryan.”
“No, he was in the other room. You know how you can hear everything from one seventeen in the guidance office waiting room?”
“Oh, right. It has that weird vent thing.”
“Same with two forty-two and two forty-four. I had Communications in two forty-two last year and you could totally hear everything from two forty-four.”
“So Ryan was going in to see Mr. Bradley when he heard Lani. She was like—”
The door swings open. “Where are you girls supposed to be?” a Teacher Voice says. “Let’s go.”
I hear the girls shuffle off. I’m dying to see who they are, but there’s no way I’m risking exposure.
Jason was supposed to be here ten minutes ago.
A few seconds later, the door bangs open. Jason comes running down the stairs. I know it’s him without looking.
“Sorry about that,” Jason says. He bends down and ducks under the stairwell. “Those girls took forever to leave. I was—”
I kiss him.
Jason goes, “I miss you.”
“Same here.”
“I’m going to email Erin.”
“But you said—”
“I know. But she’s not giving me a choice.”
I kiss him some more.
“How’s Blake doing?” he whispers.
“Dude!” I whisper-yell. “I just found out who told about Blake. It was Ryan!”
“Ryan Campanelli?”
“Yes! He was in guidance when we were in one seventeen. He heard me telling you about Blake.”
“How?”
“You can hear everything from one seventeen in the guidance waiting room through the vents.”
“Oh, crap.”
“I can’t believe he waited so long to say something.”
“At least now we know who did. And you know that I didn’t.”
“I knew you—”
I don’t get to finish what I was saying. Because Jason is kissing me. And nothing else matters.
34
When Jason calls me later to let me know that he finally emailed Erin, I’m relieved. He forwards me the email so I can see what he said. It’s all about how he never meant to hurt her but he wants to be with me.
I have no idea what Erin’s going to do. Well, I sort of have an idea. A scary idea.
I think about calling her. I keep picking up my phone and putting it back down. Of course she’s going to be mad. Of course she’s going to hate me. There’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is wait for her to talk to me again.
Maybe she never will. Blake still won’t talk to me. I’ve tried calling him a bunch more times, but he keeps screening. It’s like he dropped right out of my life over one stupid mistake.
When the phone rings three hours later, I can’t believe it’s Erin.
“Hey,” I go.
“Hey,” she goes back.
No one says anything. There’s a hollow humming noise.
Erin’s like, “How’s it going?”
“Okay . . .”
“How’s Blake doing?”
“He’s . . . not good.”
“I’m sure.”
Erin doesn’t sound mad. I was totally expecting Erin to be mad. Maybe she didn’t read Jason’s email yet.
“Know what I heard?” Erin says.
“What?”
“You were the one who outed Blake.”
“No, it was Ryan Campanelli!”
“I heard it was you, and Ryan was just telling people what you said.”
“I only told Jason! No one else was there!”
“Oh, you were alone with Jason?”
“No, we weren’t, like, alone, just in a classroom alone.”
“Why?”
“Um . . . I don’t really remember.”
“Do you remember lying to my face?”
My heart skips a beat.
I go, “Did you get Jason’s email?”
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
“That you’re a lying bitch who stole my boyfriend.”
My heart stops beating entirely.
“He’s not your boyfriend anymore,” I say, my voice all shaky.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“You know, I had a bad feeling when I was getting on the camp bus. I almost said something. But I trusted you. Bianca kept saying how you were flirting with Jason at lunch, but I always defended you. I should have known. Why else would you guys go off together to some private table like that?”
“We weren’t flirting. And you were fine with us sitting together.”
“I can’t believe I told you to hang out with Jason while I was away!”
“Just read his email.”
“I already did. And now the whole class can read it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I forwarded it to everyone. They should really know how you are. Like how you stole my boyfriend and lied about it to my face. So not cool.”
Fear spikes through me. I knew Erin would be mad, but this is outrageous. She forwarded Jason’s email to the whole class? It’s like I don’t even know her anymore. What kind of person would do something like that?
Someone whose life I ruined.
Someone who wants to ruin mine back.
Erin’s like, “And after everything I’ve done for you. You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me.”
Harsh. She’s never brought up the accident like that. I mean, we’ve talked about it and of course I’ve thanked Erin for keeping me alive, but she’s never said anything that brutal to me before.
She’s right, though. Erin means more to me than anyone else. I can’t believe I let things go this far.
“I’m really, really sorry,” I tell her. “I’ll do anything to make this right.”
“Anything?”
“Yeah.”
“Then stop seeing Jason.”
How was this supposed to go ag
ain? Jason was going to tell Erin about us, she’d get mad, but then Jason and I would be together and eventually she’d get over it. This is turning out all wrong. Or maybe not. Maybe this is the Energy’s way of reminding me about everything I’d lose if Erin weren’t in my life. I wouldn’t just be losing a friend. I’d be losing a part of my history, someone who’s like a sister to me.
I’ve already hurt Erin enough. If she had to watch Jason and me together, it would be torture for her.
“Fine,” I say. “I won’t see him anymore. I won’t even talk to him.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“I’ll try to believe you. Not that it’ll change what you did.”
“Erin, it’s over. I won’t even look at him.”
“That’s the least you can do.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“That’s nice. Too bad no one cares. Anyway, have fun at school tomorrow. It should be really fun for you.”
35
Everyone knows.
You know how you can tell when people are talking about you? Especially people who used to be your friends? It’s like that. Everyone thinks I’m an evil boyfriend-stealer who goes around wrecking her best friend’s life.
None of them knows the truth. And there’s no way to tell them that Erin’s lying.
Going to my locker before homeroom is supreme misery. People stare at me. Others turn away when I look at them. Some of them laugh. A girl I don’t even know bumps me. Hard.
Everyone hates me.
Before Erin forwarded Jason’s email to the whole world, she wrote at the top of it how I planned the whole thing. She wrote how I wanted Jason all along and totally stole him right out from under her. She even changed his email to make us look worse and her look better. Of course everyone believes her. She’s so convincing even I almost believe her.
I get to my locker and focus on my lock combination. I don’t want to look at anyone else. I can’t stand seeing that much hate in people’s eyes.
When Danielle comes up to me, I could not be more relieved. It was starting to feel like I had zero friends left.
I’m all, “Hey, did you get a chance to read that article?” We have our first One World meeting of the year in a few days. She’s helping me with a presentation for new members.
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