Lizzy started snorting.
“Shush, you.” I tied the braid off and started on another. “I asked him if he could fix something for me. ‘I have a plumbing problem I was hoping you could help me with,’ is verbatim what I said. I hadn’t meant it as a come-on, but hell, he was cute, maybe I could get the leak fixed and have him check my plumbing, right?” I sighed. Continued. “He fixed the leak in about ten seconds, and said, ‘now, about the plumbing issue.’ It’s on like Donkey Kong, right? Oh, it was on. I had an hour still before the showing, so I got him to do me up against the wall in the bathroom. Plumbing issue fixed. He laid some serious pipe, you might say. Good, right? He asks me out afterward.”
“After he screwed you?” Kat asked.
“Yep. He was still tucking himself back into his pants, which, let’s just say took a while. There was a lot to tuck.” I sighed wistfully, remembering. “God, he was hung. Anyway, I agreed, because I was still in that post-orgasmic la-la-land, and I wasn’t thinking. So he says, I’ll pick you up tomorrow night at eight. Great. I’m ready by seven fifty-five. Because maybe we could get a quickie in before dinner and get it on after the date.”
Lizzy was trying hard to not laugh, now.
“Money doesn’t impress me. Show up in the sexiest car on the planet, I’ll be like, great. Nice car. Now let’s see your package.”
Kat snorted. “You have a one-track mind.”
“Yes, yes I do.” I waved at her. “Now shush. We’re getting to the good part. He showed up ten minutes late, in his work van. Not his personal truck, oh no. That was a nice truck. Newer, kind of plain but nice. I’m fine with that. I’m not gonna judge you based on what you drive. I judge you based on how good the dick is.”
“Ohmygod, Laurel,” Teddy cackled. “You’re horrible!”
“How is that horrible? I’m not making any excuses. I let them know ahead of time that it’s not going to be a situation where we walk off into the sunset together. We’re going to have a little date for the sake of appearances, we’ll go back to my place because let’s face it my place is nicer than most of theirs, ninety-nine percent of the time, and then we’re going to fuck. And if the dick is good, I’ll give you one more ride on the pony. If not, bye-bye. And listen, I’m not picky. I don’t care what you drive, how much you make, whether you’re built like The Rock or Seth Rogen. My criteria is, do you interest me at all? If you’re funny, great. If you’re built like a superhero, great. You just need one thing to catch my attention, and I’ll give you a shot.”
“What you’re saying is, you have no standards whatsoever,” Kat said, eyeing me sideways, “and that you’ll fuck anything with a dick and a pulse.”
“A dick, a pulse, and something interesting.”
“And the plumber in this endless story of yours,” Autumn said. “What did he have?”
“Well, to be honest, he was picked for his looks. I am most easily swayed by looks. And he had the looks.” I waved. “Anyway. All that to say, I’m really, really not judgmental about what I’m picked up in. I’ve gone out with guys who picked me up in their grandmother’s ninety-six Buick LeSabre. I’m okay with that. But the work van? The plumber’s van? Red flag. But he had a good excuse—a last-minute call to some sort of exploded pipe.” I sighed, remembering. “I tried. I really did. I got in, climbed over the mountain of McDonald’s bags and liters of Mountain. Dew. Red flag number two, because ew. But then as we were driving, I kept smelling something. And it was not a good smell.”
“Oh no,” Zoe said, laughing, covering her mouth. “That’s not good when he’s a plumber who just had an emergency.”
“Turns out, the emergency had been a burst sewage pipe.” I closed my eyes, because the smell was something you don’t forget. “He’d gotten pretty messy, and he’d put the soiled coveralls or whatever in a plastic bag in the back of his van. But that bag was not equal to the task of containing the stench. And, even worse, he himself still stank. Like raw sewage, to be exact.”
“Why didn’t he call or text and say he needed a few extra minutes to shower and change?” Teddy asked. “Like, did that not cross his mind?”
“I guess not,” I asked. “I asked him exactly that question, and his response was, well, ‘I was already in the area. I figured we’d go back to my place and I’d shower and change.’”
Zoe snorted. “Ooh, sexy. Didn’t you want to take a shower with a man who smelled like raw sewage?”
“Right?” I asked, cackling. “Isn’t that every girl’s fantasy?”
“And I’m guessing Mr. Plumber didn’t get a second ride on the penny pony,” Kat asked.
I shook my head. “He did not. I got out at a red light and walked home.”
“You got out a stop light and walked home?” Teddy asked. “That seems kinda harsh, even considering.”
I stared her down. “You weren’t in that van with that smell. You ever smell something that stinks so bad you can taste it? Like, in the back of your throat? It was like that. Literally nauseating.”
Teddy made a face. “Wow. I guess it’s more understandable. Did he not notice the smell?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. I guess not. I mean, maybe he was used to it? I really don’t know. But that’s my worst date ever story.”
“That’s pretty bad,” Autumn said. “But I have a better topic of discussion, seeing as I’m about to get married. Best dates.”
“Well if that’s what we’re talking about,” Zoe said, “then you and Lizzy are excluded, because the rest of us will just get jealous.”
Lizzy snorted. “How is that our fault? You guys are the ones who keep putting up The Ad.”
Kat eyed me, because she and I both knew Titus’s interest was almost assuredly due to The Ad. But the unspoken rule surrounding this whole weird game we were playing was that we never openly discussed it as a group.
“I’m not saying anything is your fault,” Zoe said. “I’m just saying for those of us who haven’t been swept off our feet by Prince Charming, hearing about your ooey-gooey rich and chewy dates of ultimate romanticism is just torture. Especially since I in particular seem to attract the douchiest of douches.” A sigh. “Such as hella sexy mechanics with arms the size of my head, a chest you could break rocks on, and an ass like two cannonballs in a denim sack. And the IQ of a potato. Which is not a dig against mechanics, just that one in particular.”
“Being unable to talk about anything except cars doesn’t make him a douche,” Teddy said, ever the one to try to find the good side of someone. “It just makes him…of narrow-minded interests.”
“How about I share my best date?” Kat said. “There isn’t one. The end.”
Teddy gently backhanded Kat’s arm. “Ohh stop. You have to have had at least one date in your life that was good.”
Kat laughed. “Yeah, yeah. Fine. There was the one time I went out with this high-powered attorney type. His name was Damien, and he was one of those bizarrely intelligent types, like he graduated high school at sixteen, and had passed the bar by twenty-two. Like, as weird as it sounds, he was just one of those people who’s just literally on this earth for one specific thing, and for him it was law. He was…” A sigh, almost wistful. “You can’t make fun of me, okay? But he was dreamy. Just over six feet, with nice broad shoulders. He wore the hell out of an Armani suit, I’m telling you. Blond hair that was just perfectly not quite dirty blond, not platinum. Blue eyes, like almost Elijah Wood level blue. For our date, he had stubble. We went out on Saturday, so he hadn’t shaved since Friday morning, and it was just…fucking yummy, you know?”
Teddy sighed. “Two-day stubble is the best. I love how scratchy it is on my thighs.” A surprised blink. “I mean, face.”
Kat snorted. “You meant what you said, girl, don’t take that back. You have the innocent act down to an art, but we all know it’s an act.”
“Didn’t you tell us as much yourself, once? That day at Kat’s friend’s bar, for my birthday, wasn’t it?” Lizzy asked. “You were like
, I like sex as much as anyone else. Something like that.”
Teddy bit her lip, laughing. “Fine! Whatever. I never claimed to be innocent. I’m just not a dirty slut like the rest of you.”
“I’m a proper married woman, thank you very much,” Lizzy said.
“And I’m about to be a proper married woman,” Autumn added.
“Hey, I’m clean,” I said, laughing, “There’s nothing dirty about me. I take plenty of showers.”
Zoe and Kat exchanged looks. “I guess that makes us the dirty sluts, huh?” Kat said.
“You, maybe,” Zoe said, faking an arch tone. “I’m neither dirty nor a slut.”
Kat and I had Autumn’s many braids now wrapped in a complicated crown around her head, bobby-pinned to within an inch of its life. We finally both sat down with fresh glasses of champagne while Autumn stood up and examined her reflection in the mirror.
“So, Kat,” Autumn said, tilting and turning her head this way and that. “What happened with Mister Lawyer Man?”
Kat shrugged. “Oh, it was just a great date. He took me to a rooftop restaurant in San Diego, and we went for this long walk on the beach, and drank wine on his penthouse suite balcony.”
Zoe frowned at Kat. “Sounds magical. Then what?”
“Then we screwed, and that was also magical, so I panicked and took an Uber home.”
“From San Diego?” Teddy asked. “That’s like, two and a half hours.”
“Well, I said I panicked. He was too nice. He was smooth, charming, considerate. He had his own money, a really nice condo, a really nice car. He paid for dinner like it was just how things were supposed to be, without being weird about it, you know. Like I’ve been on dates where the guy makes a big deal out of it, loudly asking for the check and making a big dramatic show of slapping down an Amex Black or some shit, like I’m supposed to go ‘ooh, big pimpin’ over here, I’m really horny now.’” She rolled her eyes. “Damien was none of that. Even sex was nice. He thought of me, he made sure I felt good, and he was smooth about making sure we were clear there were no expectations without being a dick.”
Zoe nodded. “I’d have panicked. Sounds like a setup. Like, where’s the red room with the whips and chains? Where’s the secret basement cellar where he keeps victims?”
Teddy groaned. “You guys are so cynical, ohmygod. Not every guy who is nice and considerate is going to turn out to be a complete dickbag, or much less yet, flat-out evil.”
“My hair and makeup are so great, you guys,” Autumn said. “Thank you so much. For real. I’m so glad to have you guys here with me for this.”
Lizzy pointed at her. “No, no, no, no. Do not start that bullshit, Autumn Scott. You just finished your makeup, and you don’t even have your dress on yet. No waterworks, missy. We are not crying until you’ve said ‘I do,’ you hear me, young lady?”
Autumn tilted her head back and hissed, blinking. “No crying, no crying, no crying.” She glanced at Kat. “Someday, you have to take a flyer on one of these guys, babe. Because someday, the guy will turn out to be the real deal. My proof of that is currently stuffing his fine ass into a five-thousand-dollar hand-sewn suit.”
“Mine is downstairs trying like hell to hide his inner nerd around Titus Bright and Seven’s boxing buddies.” Lizzy glanced at me. “And I happen to have it from a reliable source that Titus Bright likes you.”
“Not likely,” I said, working at sounding even-keeled and cool and casual, even as my giblets shivered at the very sound of his name. “I didn’t know Titus Bright did private events.” Hey, I even sounded casual.
Kat wasn’t fooled. She just smirked at me.
Lizzy had Autumn’s dress off the hanger and was unbuttoning the ninety-five hundred million tiny little buttons running down the back so Autumn could step into the gown, which, apparently had been custom-made for Autumn by a designer Seven had met at one of the many galas he’d attended.
“Titus Bright doesn’t do private events,” Autumn said. “He barely does events, period. You don’t book or hire Titus, he doesn’t do stadiums, or concerts. He’s actually very elusive and almost impossible to get ahold of, according to Seven.”
“So…how is he here?” I asked. “I went to a Bright Bones concert back in the day with one of Mom’s pool boy toys. It was crazy fun. They could seriously rock, man.”
Everyone stared at me.
“I have so many questions about that statement,” Lizzy said. “You…went to a Bright Bones show? With one of your mother’s pool boy side pieces? And you liked it? Bright Bones was, like, heavy metal.”
I huffed. “When will you guys stop being so shocked at this stuff? Yes, I went with Javier. He was Mom’s newest pool boy, which meant she hadn’t gotten to him yet. He didn’t know the rules or anything yet, so he didn’t know any better than to go out with me.”
“Wait, rules?” Teddy asked.
“Yes, rules. Once Mom found out I was dipping into her fund of hot boys before she got to them, she put the kibosh on it. Made sure all new pool boys knew I was off-limits. I mean, I was seventeen at the time, so I should have been off-limits anyway, but hey, I didn’t look seventeen, and most of them were twenty or under anyway.” I waved a hand. “Point is, Javier was hot. Columbian, had this sexy as all fuck accent, he was ripped, and he was super nice. I honestly don’t think he had any clue what he’d hired into, with my mom. He didn’t last long anyway—I think he quit when he realized fucking Mom was part of the gig. Which, good for him, right? And as for Bright Bones, yes, I liked it. They were technically heavy metal, but not every second of every song was like rah-rah-rah—” here she did an imitation of a metal singer angrily shout-singing, “and angry guitars and all that. It was…artistic. There was anger to it, sure, and it was heavy, but when he actually sang? Oh man, his voice was like…rough, but beautiful.”
Shit. I’d just given myself away.
“Yes, fine, I did also have a minor crush on Titus Bright at the time,” I said, defensive. “But who didn’t? He was the brand-new big thing. He was everywhere, opening for Metallica and Sevendust and Deftones and every major name in hard rock. He was on magazines and MTV and all that.”
Lizzy just laughed, shaking her head. “I would never in a million years be able to picture you at a heavy metal show.”
Kat snickered, and then burst out laughing and had to put her champagne flute aside to bend over and let the laughter out. “Oh my god, you guys, she’s nuts for this guy!”
“Katja Evan Spears!” I shot to my feet, sloshing champagne over onto my fingers. “I told you to keep it between us.”
She was breathless with laughter. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but this is too good to keep to myself, honey.”
All eyes were on Kat.
“Spill already, Kat,” Autumn said, as Lizzy began fastening the buttons, now that Autumn had managed to wedge her long, lithe body into the tiny little white wedding gown. “What happened?”
“I met Titus outside, okay?” I cut in before Kat could turn it into something it wasn’t. “He made some crude, offensive, sexist remarks, and I’m going to avoid him during the wedding.”
Kat’s eyes twinkled, literally twinkled, as she slowed her breathing. “You are such a shitty liar, Laurel Evita McGillis.”
Teddy was watching the exchange. “Wait, wait, wait. Kat, your middle name is Evan?”
“Evan, like Evans but no S,” Kat answered. “Yes. My dad had been sure I was going to be a boy, and if I had been, my name would have been Evan. He was devastated when I was a girl, the asshole, so my mom coddled his baby little ego by saddling me with Evan as a middle name.”
Teddy snorted a laugh. “And you, Laurel, your middle name is Evita?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, it is. After the musical, obviously, and as far as I know, there’s no funny, pithy little story about it, except that they chose the name for me well before it had the mega popularity and well before the movie was ever made.”
Teddy eye
d me. “I feel like you’re lying about what happened with Titus.”
Kat pointed at me with her half-empty flute. “He told her, and I quote—according to this one here—‘you’re mine, Laurel. You may not know it yet, but you will soon enough.’”
Teddy pretended to swoon. “Oh my gawd, that’s hot.”
“I’m not a steak or a sports car to be owned,” I snapped. “I belong to no one, least of all some scruffy, self-absorbed, egotistical jackass rock star. No matter how fucking delicious he is.”
Kat shrugged, grinning at Teddy. “See?”
Lizzy was finished with the buttons by now, and Autumn was twisting in the full-length mirror.
“I look hot,” Autumn said. “I’m not sure Seven is going to make it until tomorrow night.”
“I still think the whole thing is fucking strange and unnatural,” Zoe said.
Autumn and Seven had decided that, instead of a typical wedding week where bride and groom have separate bachelor/bachelorette parties and then a honeymoon, there would be a wedding and then instead of a reception, the after-party would be one big party that ended with Autumn and us partying here, and Seven and the boys somewhere else. And then the following day, Autumn and Seven would rejoin each other and head out on a honeymoon, which for them meant two full months in a secluded beachside estate somewhere in the Caribbean that Seven had leased.
Laurel's Bright Idea (Billionaire Baby Club Book 3) Page 2