by J. L. Wilder
Then I break into a clearing and see them.
The first thing I notice is that both bears are still on their feet, still fighting, and relief crashes over me so hard my knees almost buckle. But then, a split second later, I register the fact that there are six wolves here, not five. Jack’s initial count must have been wrong. And all six of the wolves are still in the fight too.
The scent of blood is in the air, tangy and unpleasant. I can’t tell who it’s coming from.
I need the wolves to see me. I need them to know I’m here. I can turn the tide of this fight, but it’s only going to work if I can manage to distract them. And it’s not enough for them to know a third bear has arrived. They need to know it’s me.
Shifting mid-fight is almost impossible without practice, and I’ve never done it before. I close my eyes and focus on the three men I love, trying to slow my heartrate. I picture them safely huddled around a fire tonight, all of them together. All of them alive. No one threatening them. No one to put them in danger ever again.
When I open my eyes, I’m looking at human hands instead of paws. And everyone else in the clearing is looking at me.
An anguished voice lets out a cry. “Cami, no!”
I can’t tell who it is. I don’t care. I only have attention to spare for the wolves, all of whom have turned their malevolent eyes to me. Fear shoots up my spine, and I suddenly remember the litter I’m carrying. I shouldn’t have brought them into this...but could I really have done anything else? Could I have left my clan to die? I lived through that once. I don’t think I can do it again. I can’t let another family be slaughtered by these wolves, just to protect me. I’m not worth that.
I give myself over to the fear, letting it change me, return me to my bear form, and then I turn and run as fast as I can. I know the wolves are faster than I am, and I barely have any head start at all. I have to hope Luka and Jack understand the opportunity I’m trying to give them. I have to hope that the wolves are distracted enough by my scent, my presence, that they aren’t being sensible about watching their back. But I can’t look over my shoulder to see what’s happening. I can’t sacrifice even an ounce of speed. I have to keep running.
All too soon, I hear the snarls and snaps of a set of sharp teeth behind me. I know he’s close. Is it my imagination, or can I feel his hot breath behind me? I push myself, trying to run faster, harder, but I don’t know if I can do it. My lungs are burning, and my muscles are starting to give out. I’m not going to be able to keep up this pace much longer.
A sharp pain rakes at my right hip. I lose my footing and fall to the ground, and the distraction jolts me back into human form. As I roll over, scrambling backward in the dirt to get away, the wolf at my heels raises his paw to slash me, to end our chase....
Out of nowhere, a huge bear catches the wolf in the torso and sends him rolling away. I try to get to my feet, but my leg gives out under me. I crawl behind the trunk of a nearby tree and watch the battle recommence. I see only two wolves now, and only a single bear. Where are the others? I close my eyes and try to focus on the sounds, but I can only hear what’s happening right in front of me. Is this Luka or Jack? He’s moving too fast for me to be certain. Where is the other one? And where are the rest of the wolves?
The bear bites one wolf by the neck and gives a sharp jerk. There’s a sickening crack, and the wolf falls. I know he must be dead. My stomach lurches. As evil as they are, as horrible as their plans for me were, it’s still hard to watch. The second wolf snarls and jumps onto the bear’s back, but the bear throws him off. The wolf flies into a tree headfirst and crumples to the ground too.
Before I can truly process what’s happened—two of the wolves lie dead on the ground in front of me—the bear is running toward me. He shifts midstride, and suddenly, it’s Luka falling to his knees in front of me, his hands on my face, my arms, my injured leg. “Cami,” he gasps. “Are you all right? What on Earth were you thinking? You were supposed to stay in the cave!”
“Is Jack all right?” I ask. “Where is he?”
“He’s coming now. He’s picking off the rest of them.”
I try to get to my feet again, but Luka restrains me easily. “He can’t handle four on his own,” I protest.
“There are only two left. We took out the other two as they were chasing you. He’s on top of things.” Luka frowns, carefully exploring my wound. “This is deep. We need to get you home. You shouldn’t have come.”
“They were going to kill you,” I counter. “You couldn’t have fought them off.”
“How could you have known that?”
“I heard someone cry out. Was it you?” I’m looking him over as thoroughly as he is me. He looks uninjured. “It was Jack, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, but I’m not sure the extent of it.” Luka sighs and pushes his sweaty hair out of his eyes. “They did have us cornered. Where’s Ryan?”
“Still in the cave. He doesn’t know I left. Or, well, he probably does by now. He thought I was just going down the tunnel to peek out.”
“And you decided to play the hero,” Luka says. “He should have known that would happen.”
“It was a spur of the moment decision. I couldn’t leave you to die, Luka. I couldn’t.”
“If anything had happened to you....”
“But don’t you understand, that’s exactly how I feel?” We’re both holding onto each other’s arms tightly now, and I can tell he’s as afraid to let go as I am. “You’re my family. I can’t sit still while you fight.”
He pulls me into an embrace. “Thank God, you’re all right.”
Jack stumbles out of the tree line, one arm cradling his ribs. “Is she all right?” he calls across the clearing.
“She will be,” Luka answers. “You?”
“Just a few broken ribs, I think.” He walks over a bit unsteadily, as if it’s causing him pain, and I see his eyes register the two wolves on the ground. “That’s all of them, then.”
They’re all dead. I can’t believe it. For the first time in a long time, I am truly safe. No one is hunting me. Luka helps me to my feet and I reach out for Jack’s hand and squeeze it. No more fear. No more running away. The four of us can relax and be a family without worrying about an attack, and I can have my babies and bring them up in a peaceful environment. Everything’s going to be okay.
I let a smile find its way onto my face and look from Luka to Jack. “Let’s go home,” I say. “I have something I need to tell you both.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Hey, Cami,” Ryan teases me as we cross the border into the Yukon. “I thought you didn’t like breaking the law. How come you’re okay with illegal immigration?”
“We don’t pay taxes, either,” I point out. “I’ve made my peace with certain aspects of your delinquent lifestyle.”
Ryan laughs appreciatively.
“We’ll be paying taxes soon enough,” Jack points out. “They’ll be deducted from my paycheck, just like anyone else.”
“I still can’t believe you’re taking a job,” Ryan says. The word sounds strange coming out of his mouth, as if he’s never uttered it before and isn’t quite sure of its meaning.
“Cami was right,” Jack says. “We can’t support a family on money stolen from convenience stores. The holdups would have had to get bigger and more frequent, and that would have put us all at risk. Better to bring home an honest living, at least for now.”
“Yeah, but a job.” Ryan shakes his head wonderingly. “It’s so human.”
“Oh, calm down,” Luka snorts. “It’s not like you have to do it.”
The four of us have been pushing our bikes for the last mile or so over excessively rough terrain so that we can cross the border in the woods and avoid any potential roadblocks. Jack is legally a Canadian citizen—he was born here—so working won’t be any problem for him, and Luka is a citizen too, but Ryan and I are both natives of the United States. All we’re planning to do in the Yukon is stake out
a cave and make it home, but it would be hard to explain that to any border guards, so we’ve decided it’s best to sneak around.
Gainful employment was just one of our reasons for leaving. After the fight with the wolves, the whole area smelled like dog and death. It made me feel sick to my stomach all the time. The others swore I was overreacting, and that they could hardly smell anything, and Luka pointed out that any lingering smell would certainly be gone with the next rain, but the rain came and went, and I could still detect the awful odor. Maybe it was psychosomatic, or maybe my pregnancy was just giving me increased perception somehow, but whatever the cause, I spent the better part of three days hunched over a bucket and heaving before Jack declared that this wasn’t getting better and we needed to move on.
There was no argument. My worst fear—that the others might be angry with me for bringing the wolves into our lives—has not come true. In fact, the men of my clan have been so over the top in their adoration and generosity since discovering that I’m pregnant that it makes me feel like royalty. All I have to do is ask for something and it’s instantly mine. I’m trying very hard not to abuse that power, especially given the fact that we’re all literally moving to a new country to make me more comfortable.
We continue on foot until we’re about five miles over the border, by which time, the sun is high in the sky. Jack calls a halt beside a wide, fast moving river. He and Ryan entertain themselves by wading into the water and trying to catch fish bare handed, without shifting first—of course, coming up empty-handed each time—while Luka and I watch from the bank and share peanut butter from a jar. Peanut butter we paid for with money we earned repairing people’s bikes and cars on the road as we traveled East.
“How much farther is it?” I ask Luka, watching as Ryan crows in delight, having just pulled a fish out of the water. “To the area where Jack’s new job is, I mean? I assume we’re going to want to live somewhere close by?”
Luka shrugs. “Probably. Not that Jack will mind running a few miles in the woods each day. It’ll probably help him, actually. No matter what he says, I know he’s a little hesitant to have one foot back in the human world this fully. If he can spend a few hours before and after work as a bear, it’ll help him stay centered.”
I feel my cheeks grow hot. “I do feel bad about that,” I mumble. It’s because of me that they can’t keep living the life they’ve all loved for so long. I’m the one who can’t tolerate it. And even though I’m glad and so relieved that this change is happening, I feel guilty too.
But Luka shakes his head. “It was time for us to make a change,” he says. “Now that we’re going to be parents—now that we’re going to have a younger generation—we need to start thinking about the Hell’s Bears as an organization with a future. What we were doing was fun, but it wasn’t sustainable. If even one member of the clan has a legitimate job with income, well, that’s enough to fill in the gaps when we can’t provide for ourselves by living off the land. That’s a way of life we can pass down to our children.”
I nod, thinking about those children. Even though I’m not sure, I imagine when I look down, that I can see my belly beginning to swell. I wonder how many there are, and how big I’ll get before this is over. The idea doesn’t frighten me. It’s exciting. I’m eager to see what my body is capable of and to do the thing only I can do for our clan.
Ryan ducks into the woods to clean his fish, knowing that the sight bothers me even more now that I’m pregnant. Jack returns to shore with the water skin and passes it around, encouraging us to drink as much as we can. “If we empty it now,” he says, “we can refill it before we leave.”
When we’ve finished our lunch, had as much water as we can hold, and refilled our water skin, we wheel our bikes out onto the highway. There’s not a car to be seen on this stretch, which is good—four motorcycles emerging near the border might strike someone as suspicious, even if they weren’t on the lookout for immigrants. We mount our bikes. Jack takes the lead and Ryan brings up the rear. In between them, Luka and I ride side by side. All that remains now is to find a new home, a cave we can make our own, someplace safe, with access to plenty of natural resources. Someplace for our babies to be born and grow up.
We find it only a few hours later. I’m relieved to be off my bike. Even though riding feels as freeing and fun as it ever did, it makes me more nervous these days. I need to be careful, protect the precious cargo I’m carrying. Jack read me the riot act after finding out I allowed myself to be bait for the wolves while I was pregnant, and he was right to do it. But that, I can’t help but think, was different. That was about protecting the family, keeping us whole. Riding a motorcycle is more of a luxury. If it wasn’t the only sensible way to get into Canada, I wouldn’t have done it. I won’t be doing it again, I know that for sure. Until the babies are born, I plan to stay safely inside, doing nothing more strenuous than a little yoga.
The cave turns out to be airy and hospitable, much more like the original home of the Hell’s Bears when I found them than the cavern we left behind a few days ago. Its wide mouth, looking out on the woods, is a relief after the confines of our old home. No matter how spacious that cave may have been, it always felt a little oppressive to be so deep inside a mountain, so far below the surface. Stepping out into the sunlight now is easy. No matter how pregnant I get, I’ll be able to feel sun and wind on my face. Ryan sets about hanging a tarp to protect us from the elements, but as soon as it’s in place, he ties it back with a length of twine. Luka builds the fire.
For the first time since finding a home with the Bears, I don’t bother creating a private corner. It’s hard to imagine bonds closer than the ones I share with these men, and I no longer feel the need to conceal anything from them. I don’t need a place to hide. The feeling is wonderful, freeing. So many times since I’ve joined the clan, I’ve thought to myself, now I am finally one of them. But today, the final barrier has truly fallen away. There will be no more walls between us.
Jack does take the time to make me a nest of my own. I don’t plan on using it anytime soon, though. I’ll save it. It’ll be fresh, ready to use when the babies come. When our family grows from four to...who knows how many we’ll be.
We left our fresh food behind—we’ve got enough packaged things to last a few days—but Ryan goes out hunting anyway, citing a need to stretch his legs after several days confined to the den to recuperate from his fight with the wolves. He returns after a surprisingly short period with a rabbit in each hand and a pleased look on his face. “Fresh meat tonight,” he crows triumphantly.
I don’t want to stay in the cave while dinner is prepared, so I step out for a walk. After a few moments, Jack joins me. “You don’t have to come,” I tell him. “I won’t go far. I promise. I just want to get the lay of the land.”
“I’ll go back if you want me to,” he agrees. “But do you mind? You and I never spend that much time together.”
I’m surprised—pleased—by his words. “All right.”
He falls in step with me. “Cami, things have changed since you’ve joined us. Some things you’re aware of, of course, but others you might not be. We’ve grown...more civilized. We talk more. Before you joined the clan, whole days would pass when we didn’t speak to each other at all.”
“Really? Not even Luka?”
He laughs lightly. “Luka will probably always be the most personable, but it takes two people to have a conversation. I know it was something that frustrated him, but that sort of thing never came as naturally to Ryan or to me. We talk about living away from people to get in touch with our animal side, but I think the truth is that, for the two of us, the animal has always been dominant. We’re bears first and men second. But since you came along, you’ve brought things into balance.”
“You’ve done that for me too,” I tell him. “Being a shifter, before I met you, was almost like a party trick. I lived with a clan, but they were more like roommates. I was their omega, but that was more like being
a little sister than anything else. With you, I feel...powerful. Important.”
“And you are,” he nods solemnly.
We emerge into a clearing, both of us pondering what’s been said, as the sun sinks low over the horizon. I know Jack is telling me the truth. As long as I’m with the Hell’s Bears, I have a role to play. I’m not just the omega, the one who can’t be trusted, can’t be confided in. I’m the mother bear. I’m strong. I am truly an equal member of the clan.
He stops short and grabs my hand. “Cami. Look.”
Before us, in the center of the clearing, is a beautiful tree full of ripe oranges.
Epilogue
Nine months later
I can’t deny that I’ve dreaded this day.
Part of it is just that I’ve so enjoyed being pregnant. My body seems to know exactly how to respond. Over and over, I’ve reminded myself that this is what I was built for. It’s not surprising that it’s easy for me, physically, that it feels so right and natural. It’s as much a part of who I am as shifting itself. How can I be surprised that carrying a litter comes as easily to me as breathing?
And yet, as the weeks turned into months and I got bigger and bigger, to the point where I couldn’t even stand or walk without help, I was startled to find that I never viewed my condition as a hardship. I’ve loved having my little cubs inside, and there’s a part of me that will miss them achingly when this is over, even though I know they’ll never be far from me.
But the end of my pregnancy isn’t the only thing I’ve been dreading. There’s also the fear of giving birth here, in our cave, with no doctors present and no medical intervention possible. It’s what I want, of course—giving birth to a whole litter, with three anxious fathers to be pacing around the waiting room, would raise too many eyebrows. This way, my men can all be at my side, ready to greet their new children as they come. But if we change our minds, or if something goes wrong, there will be nothing we can do about it. It’s not like Jack can throw me on the back of his motorcycle and ride me into town mid-labor. Nor can we call a taxi to pick us up in the middle of the woods. We’re committed to seeing our course of action through to the end, whatever the consequences may be.