by SM Olivier
“What’s the likelihood of Paxton switching nights with me tonight?” Kyler murmured into my ear.
I laughed quietly. “Slim to none.”
“He never was very good at sharing,” Kyler grumbled playfully.
“He’s gotten better,” I defended Paxton half-heartedly.
He really had. When we had first met, I hadn’t noticed Paxton’s “hoarding” tendencies. It was clear when I finally saw his room that he had trouble letting things go or donating stuff. It was amazing he could find anything in his room, considering the sheer amount of things he had crammed in there.
“Who’s gotten better?” Zane inquired as he came back in carrying clothing and dressed in just pajama bottoms.
“Paxton and his… coveting.” I smirked.
“Umm…” Zane coughs out a laugh. “Sure. Sure he has.”
It shouldn’t have surprised me that he knew exactly what we were talking about. Zane could be rather astute, and he observed quite a bit. I didn’t know if it was because he was an only child or something that was an inherent trait.
Kyler began chuckling too.
“Stop!” I laugh. “I said he was getting better. He just isn’t all the way there yet.”
I didn’t think he ever would be, but I also didn’t think I’d ever want him to change completely. It slightly stroked my wounded ego to know no other girl had affected him the way I did. From what the guys had told me, I was the only female he had even dated.
I heard Golden clear his throat. “Peyton, can we talk again?”
I stiffened slightly. I knew we had agreed to talk more and communicate with each other, but this was a little overwhelming.
With Lucas bringing up Madison again, it made me realize she wouldn’t ever stop pursuing Golden. It was clear she had her sights set on him. No matter how much Golden wanted our relationship, her presence wouldn’t help in any way.
Yes, I was giving myself whiplash with my wishy-washy emotions.
●
I closed the bathroom door behind me and padded over to the bed. Golden had changed and was sitting with his back braced against the massive four-poster headboard. He was fiddling on his phone, and his preoccupation struck me again.
I thought we were headed in the right direction. Then it almost felt like he was pulling away once more.
He hadn’t been so sucked into his phone before my abduction. Now it felt like he was constantly on it or playing with it. Even if he wasn’t texting Madison or one of his other many friends I’d never met, I didn’t like it. Call me crazy or insecure, but I felt as if shallow, surface communications had replaced authentic human connection. The ability to text or get sucked into social media platforms had replaced our ability to enjoy the people or things around us in the moment.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t mind social media, and texting was so much easier at times than actually picking up the phone, but it should never replace our… now moments. Unfortunately, with Golden, that seemed like his habit of late. He was barely with us. Not mentally, anyway.
“Ready?” Golden asked.
His eyes held such remorse and fear. It was a rare glimpse of the emotions he kept carefully hidden of late.
“Are you?” I inquired a tad sarcastically.
I pulled up my sweats so I could comfortably climb onto the bed. Zane must not have bothered looking into my bags when he grabbed them, because the sweats and hoodie were his. His laundry detergent and unique scent clung to the fibers of his clothing. I didn’t care if it was slightly too big on me. That also brought me comfort.
In fact, before this afternoon, I had grown accustomed to not caring what I wore. My daily wardrobe had been replaced with theirs. I was still too skinny, and after weeks of being denied my clothing at the cabin, my old clothing was still a bitter reminder. It also made me ashamed of my body in some ways. In their clothes, I felt anonymous and they gave me a false sense of feeling like I could “hide.”
“I’m the one who asked for this… talk.” Golden frowned.
“Yet,” I sighed, “you’re still on your phone. I thought we were heading in a good direction. Since I came back, I feel like it’s constantly stuck in your hand. I’m not normally an insecure person−” I scrambled off my bed and hugged myself in agitation “—but I can’t help but wonder who or what is more important than your family or me. Even Maisie’s noticed your preoccupation. She’s been all but begging for your attention.
“I wanna believe you’re not talking to Madison or any other girl, but I can’t help but believe only a female would have the audacity to text you at the strangest times of the night. I can’t even sleep next to you without the damn thing vibrating every half an hour or so. Were you always this attached to your phone before I came along? Was this who you were before I knew you? Because insecure or not, I’d like to be the center of your attention when we’re watching a movie together. I would hope we could get through one family dinner without you getting up to answer your phone or scrolling through it.”
He then made a point to set his phone down on the nightstand. “I’m sorry if that’s how my behavior makes you feel, and I will make an effort to focus more on you and our family. That is if you are still in this with me. As I said, I know you say you want to be with me, but I feel like you’ll never forgive me for Madison kissing me. Lucas accuses me of something with no real evidence, and all of a sudden, the progress we made is gone.”
“I already told you that I was going to try,” I muttered. “It doesn’t mean I like talking about Madison. I know you didn’t initiate the conversation in the hot tub, but you just sat there. You didn’t even defend yourself or explain to me why Lucas was under the impression you flirted with her.”
“I still feel like I’m on the outskirts,” he admitted. “When you were taken, Madison was there for me. Lochlann and Kyler were always getting your image and story out there in the hopes someone saw something. They threw themselves into finding you and calling every resource available to find you outside of the FBI. Crew and Zane became obsessed with working out even though they were playing like shit on the field. Paxton would barely speak to me.”
He tapped his chest with a fist. “I had no one. Loch and Ky wouldn’t let me leave school and help them. I couldn’t or wouldn’t break up the testosterone-driven brouhaha between Zane and Crew. As much as I love them and as much as I enjoyed running with them once upon a time, we never bonded over lifting weights and shit. And Paxton… he would deny it now, but I knew he blamed me for not getting to you faster. He wouldn’t even speak to me unless I outright asked him a question.”
He sighed and continued. “When Madison and I became friends, it was like a God-send. I finally had someone to talk to, and she was a great listener. She would tell me stories about you, and I felt closer to you. I never even saw the warning signs of her attraction to me. I mean, she was extra-flirty, but she’s always been, and I was friendly, but I know− I know− I never encouraged her attraction. How was I supposed to stop something I never saw coming?
“Like I explained before, when you returned and I saw the state you were in, I was eyeballs’ deep in my guilt once more. At that point, Madison apologized for coming onto me and told me she wanted to be friends− just friends. And like a drowning man, I took that life raft because, once again, I felt like my family blamed me for the condition you were in.”
His face was pained as he paused to look at me. “I was there, Peyton. I was a few feet away from you, and I couldn’t get to you in time. Sure, I realize my phone has become a shield of sorts to me, and I’ll make a conscious effort not to play with it as often, but will that make things better? Can you find it in your heart to forgive me and try to forget, or am I just spinning my wheels? My mind hasn’t changed. I still want you, even knowing you’re with my brothers but… do you still want me?”
I took in all his words, feeling the sincerity of it all.
I believed him. Even if my mind wanted to conjure up more arguments
, my heart yearned for him.
In these moments, I realized more than ever that I wasn’t the only one affected by my abduction. Golden would forever carry the guilt of it with him. I couldn’t even imagine how it had felt for him. But I knew it was pointless to point out to him that he had no involvement or culpability in what had happened to me; his guilt wouldn’t listen, even though he was never at fault.
I nodded slowly. “I believe you. I know how Madison can be when she sets her sights on something or someone,” I said the last bit a touch too dryly. “It’s one of the reasons I love− loved− her. It’s hard knowing she came onto you. It was hard getting over how I felt when I first returned. All I wanted was all my guys near me. You were the reasons I kept fighting. When I returned, I saw how close you two were. I heard you playing the guitar for her. I felt betrayed, like what we had wasn’t as special if you were doing it for her, too. You guys seemed to be in your own bubble and I wasn’t invited.
“I know now that you felt guilty about me being taken right in front of you. I realize you took comfort in her devoted presence, but it still stings sometimes. You have to forgive yourself, too, Golden. You’re not responsible for what those men planned and did to me. If we’re going to move forward and have a healthy relationship, we both have to work on it. I do still want you, but you need to stop using your phone as an escape. I’m right here. Your family is right here.”
He visibly gulped before he pulled me into his arms and held me in close. I felt the slight tremor in his arms as he buried his head in the crook of my neck.
“It’s going to take some time for the guilt to disappear, but I can definitely stop using my phone as a crutch,” he breathed out. “I’ve been trying to stay busy, so I’m not in my head as much. I began going through some of the prints my mom never published and selling them online. Oddly enough,” he looks at me, sadness crossing his features, “she permitted us to do so in her will. We just never knew what to do with them. There seemed to be no point in it, especially since we got money from their life insurance policies and still receive monthly income with the rentals and the shop.
“Then I realized, since their wills were made a few months before Maisie’s and Clay’s adoptions were final, they never made sure the kids were set up like the rest of us were. I wanted to start something for them without putting more pressure on our financial advisor. So, I opened bank accounts for Clay and Maisie, and everything that’s been sold has been going into their accounts.”
I pulled away from him and frowned before he rushed ahead.
“The notification sounds you probably hear, Peyton, the ones late at night, are buyers. Sure, I won’t deny that none of them hasn’t been a text from Madison.” He grimaced, but then looked thoughtful. “You know, I think Lucas is right. I think something traumatic happened to her. I had once picked up on it, but she wouldn’t tell me anything. She does use drinking as a coping mechanism. She likes to drunk-text me. I’ve never encouraged her behavior, and I’ve tried to tell her I can’t be there for her anymore. I can’t even be her friend if that means losing you or if it gives her the wrong idea. So, I’ve decided to block her number, and if you want, I’ll let you look through my phone.
He reached over then and handed me his phone. It took me a moment to realize he had his text messages opened.
I shook my head adamantly. If I was going to forgive him for something he was never at fault over, then it had to start now. I had to trust him, and it had to start now, especially if I wanted to continue being in a relationship with him.
“No.” I gently pushed his hand away. “I trust you, Golden.” I looked up into his golden eyes and made sure he could see the sincerity in mine. “I don’t have to read them.” I leaned into him, feeling at peace with us, so that, finally, I relaxed into his thin but muscular build, reveling in our closeness. I replayed all his words before I pulled back to look at him. “Now, tell me about your side-gig. Do the others know?”
At the same time I asked, the door to the bedroom opened.
“Know what?” Paxton asked as he came into the room holding a bowl of apple crumble and vanilla ice cream in his hands. It was nearly the size of a serving bowl.
Golden coughed and gave me a sheepish look before he shook his head and attempted a smile. “Nothing,” he said quickly.
I nodded in understanding before I mock-glared at Paxton. “I hope you didn’t eat it all. That’s a serving bowl, not a normal bowl! I want some, too. Can you get me some?” I asked sweetly.
Paxton gave a suspicious look before he shrugged. “Sure, but there’s one more pan left. Let’s go eat, then watch a movie.”
“Okay,” I said brightly.
We waited until he left before Golden murmured. “Loch and Ky know, but we wanted to wait for the right time to tell Pax. He can be funny with things like this. I didn’t want him to think I was crowding in an area that had once been his and Mam’s, and Pax can be too sentimental to understand that Mam loved sharing her art with others. He shouldn’t hoard it to himself.
I somewhat understood why they wouldn’t want to break the news immediately to Paxton. I could see him being reluctant to sell his mom’s work, even if he would have the original images.
I didn’t particularly appreciate keeping secrets of any kind, but maybe this one should be held onto for a little while longer. Paxton was still recovering from my abduction and return. He probably needed a bit more time before more emotional issues were thrown his way.
5
●
Pointe Shoes
Da once had a reality television show. He found vehicles in need of restoration, fixed them, and sold them. Admittedly, I had watched the show from time to time because Lucas and his dad Mickey had been obsessed with it, but I never paid much attention. Now that I stood in a place that Da had once stood, it made me feel like I was standing on hallowed ground.
This was a place he utilized to produce not one, but six, upstanding, admirable men. Da not only became a positive influence on his natural-born son and adopted sons, but he also had a considerable hand in the men that Kyler, Crew, and Zane became as well. They would be the first people to tell you that, without the presence of their fathers, Da had stepped up to be the male role model they needed in their lives.
Da had never once made them feel like they were charity cases or unworthy of the love they deserved. He included them in outings and teaching lessons he had for Lochlann, Golden, and Paxton. He taught them how a woman should be treated and made sure their “idle” hands were always busy doing constructive things.
I honestly believed they wouldn’t have become half the men they were without the love and attention Da had given them.
“As I live and breathe, you brought the whole crew and then some!” I heard a loud, cheery voice call out.
I looked up and noticed a man that was easily the height of Kyler and Crew exiting an office-looking area. Although he wasn’t nearly as fit as they were and was rocking a “dad bod,” you could tell he was an active man.
“Hey, Ronnie.” Lochlann smiled before holding out his hand in welcome. “It was only supposed to be a few of us,” he said dryly. “But then it turned into this.” He held his arms out to encompass us all.
I had overheard Kyler and Lochlann talking this morning, so I knew there was a ghost crew today at the shop. Lochlann ensured that a majority of the employees were given the day off. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it was because of me. For once, I didn’t mind. This was just another baby step for me into the real world.
“I’m sure I can find work for them all!” Ronnie gave him a broad, teasing smile.
Lochlann chuckled. “Good. They came to work.”
Except for Renee, Maisie, and Clay, we were all here this morning, including Lucas. It was the first time Golden, Paxton, Crew, and Zane had come since Da had passed away. They had been fixtures around here, especially last year, but after Da died they found it very difficult to visit. The place held t
oo many memories for them, and it devastated them knowing he would never walk through those doors with them again.
Golden made a scoffing noise but had a smile curving his lips. “Speak for yourself. I came to watch the guys work.”
Even though Golden was joking around, I could clearly see how hard it was for him to be here. Out of my peripheral, I could see Paxton's jaw tick as he played with his tongue ring. As excited as they were to come, I didn’t think they realized how hard it would be for them in reality. There had been a noticeable change on the drive here, the closer we got to the shop. Talking had ceased, and I’d noticed how most of them had withdrawn into themselves.
So on the way, I had found myself trying to lend them my silent support. I had held Golden’s hand as I leaned against Paxton. Not that it was easier on the others or that they didn’t need my encouragement, but it seemed to have hit them the hardest.
Lochlann and Kyler had attempted to distract them during the drive, but it hadn’t quite worked. Lucas− bless his heart− hadn’t felt the shift in emotions, of course, and hadn’t stopped gushing. He was fanboying it hard. He never believed he would ever be able to visit Transport Transportations. Apparently, when they were still airing new shows, the shop had been damn near impossible to get into.
Da had to have security and had erected a fence around the entire perimeter due to overzealous fans. Da generally located and purchased the vehicles with Ronnie and Bob− his business manager and head mechanic, respectfully− before fixing them up and selling them. Still, occasionally private vehicle owners wanted their expertise as well. Sometimes a few of these vehicle enthusiasts got out of hand and had tried to force their way to the front of the line. They ignored the fact that Da generally tried to do first-in, first-out, unless he was waiting for parts and such.
“I see Pretty Boy Goldie is still afraid to get his hands too dirty!” A young guy in his mid-to-late twenties strode into the lobby wiping his hands on a rag.