by SM Olivier
I looked down at the floor, hoping that it would just open up and swallow me whole.
My mother never had the “talk” with me. The most Sean ever said to me in regards to dating guys was ‘don’t ever come home pregnant or I’d wish I was dead,’ after he took me to a clinic, of course.
“We’re all with her,” Zane said quietly.
Grandpa didn’t look shocked by the statement. He just nodded as if it had confirmed his suspicions all along. Grandpa wasn’t a dense man. He had to have seen how the guys were around me.
“The school board will fire Lochlann regardless of your age.” Grandpa sighed. “Maybe you should reconsider moving back into your house. I’ll increase the security, and the guys can come and visit.”
“No.” I shook my head resolutely. “We’ve been discreet, and we haven’t done anything. The Isaacs’ house is the only one that can accommodate us all.”
“Do you want him to get fired?” Grandpa argued. “You do realize he would never be able to work with children again if he were to be fired from his job under those conditions. At least with Kyler and your age difference, he has nothing to do with students.”
I opened my mouth to argue, and he held up a hand.
“I couldn’t care less about the age difference or that you’re seeing them all. All I care about is if you’re happy and if they treat you right. I’m just saying most of society will never accept it or understand it. When Lochlann took his position at the school, he understood he could never get involved with a student, even though you both are two consenting adults.”
I felt my irritation and ire deflate. “What do I do?” I sighed as I leaned into Zane some more.
Grandpa linked his fingers together. “I think you need to think about Lochlann’s future, should anyone find out about you two. There won’t be temporary repercussions. It could be long-term negative consequences.”
I nodded, feeling bad. I didn’t want Lochlann to lose his career and any future job opportunities because of our relationship. I also knew I didn’t want to let him go, either. I had a lot to consider. I couldn’t be selfish.
“Can you find Cooper a position in your house?” I finally broke the silence. “He won’t ever respect me, and I don’t want him watching over me if he’s constantly gossiping about me or belittling me. I don’t particularly appreciate feeling like a child. I was forced to grow up fast, and he’ll always fail to see that. I don’t want him fired,” I added as an afterthought. “I just don’t want him working for me.”
Grandpa winced slightly at the reminder of my past. He still seemed remorseful for the treatment I received from his youngest son’s hands. I didn’t blame him any longer. I knew he had no knowledge of the monster my step-dad/ uncle was.
“He was the one who informed you of Lochlann and me, right?” I asked, and he gave me a tempered nod. “I can’t ever trust him. I don’t want to keep secrets from you, and honestly, I didn’t think it was anyone’s business what I did or who I was with. He should have given me the courtesy to talk to you first. My safety and what happened last night should have been relayed to you. My possible relationships should not have been. You pay him to watch over me, not criticize me with his judgment.”
Grandpa nodded in understanding. “I’ll move Cooper to the big house. I’ll have someone new take you to school today. Every day this week, you’ll have a new man or woman from my security detail accompany you everywhere. By Friday you can choose who you feel the most comfortable with. Will that suit you?”
I smiled at his ability to understand me and care about my thoughts and feelings. “That would be awesome, thanks, Grandpa. And also,” I added as Sal made his way back towards us. “Sal needs to be with his family too. He is supposed to get his children this week, and he’s too stubborn to ask.”
“Email Henry the days, and we’ll make sure Sal’s covered when he needs to see them or get them,” Grandpa said without skipping a beat.
In a rare show of affection, I got up and hugged Grandpa. “Thank you. I love you,” I murmured.
I might’ve been too chicken shit to tell the guys I loved them, but I knew how precarious life could be. I never wanted my grandfather to doubt how much I loved him. I wanted him to know how much he had changed my life and my views about family since meeting him.
He had been there for me more than my mother or the man who raised me, or even the one who was actually my biological father. He supported me and how I wanted to live my life. He continued to help those who had meant something to me. He didn’t have to, yet he did.
His eyes were bright with unshed tears as he hugged me tightly. “I love you, too, Peyton,” he said with a broken voice.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and let him hold me a little longer.
9
●
New Shadow
The human body could be so fickle.
No matter how much my mind wanted my body to cooperate today, it wouldn’t. I was able to get the steps of the dance down, but my turns weren’t as tight as they usually were, and my body was shaking with fatigue.
“Don’t let go!” Starr clapped to the beat of the music.
Leave a Light On by Cooper Lee was vibrating through the speakers. Alex was positioned in the front of the room showing us the moves as Starr yelled out instructions. Alex was no longer a dancer, and her knees were shot after several years of dancing, but she still could emulate the movements enough for us to pick up on them. If she didn’t perform the move, Starr would yell it out.
“Bailey,” Kayley hissed as her sister leaned too far into her.
Starr had us all in line with our bodies facing one way. We were up on our toes on one foot, while our bodies leaned back in a partial backbend on one another. Renee was positioned at the end of the line in a different stance. She was up on her left toes while her left arm extended out towards us, her right arm and leg extended completely up, reaching for the ceiling.
Unfortunately, this required complete trust in the team. It was a precarious balancing act. We needed the person behind us to remain stable while we maintained our balance and tried to stay still enough for the person in front of us to not lean too heavily back. When we were instructed to turn our head forward where the “judges” would be located, our delicate positions were further compromised.
Bailey had leaned too far over Kayley, causing me to lose my balance as well. Soon we were all toppling over, and Wendy, who had been in front of me, stomped down on my left foot as she tried to regain her footing. She completely collapsed, but by some luck, I was able to catch myself with one arm in an awkward backbend of sorts.
I grimaced as Bailey’s foot struck out, kicking my arm. Only Renee was able to escape without ending in our “pile.” Wendy cursed loudly and glared up at me as if it was all my fault. A small smirk formed over her lips, and a calculating gleam entered her eyes as she tried to get back up. Warning bells went off in my head, and with quick reflexes, I separated myself from the pile-up. Wendy’s head was already in motion.
Where my knee should have been was thin air. Wendy floundered, not expecting my quick reaction, and her head met the floor with a resounding thud.
“You bitch!” Wendy screamed at me.
“Language!” Starr shouted in warning. “Leave that language at the door.”
The music was cut off, and Bailey quickly jumped up. “She isn’t ready,” she screeched, looking at me. “You made us all fall. I’m not getting injured because of gimpy here. She shouldn’t be here!”
“Wrong,” Alex snapped. “That was all on you, Bailey. And the way I see it is Peyton isn’t up to her normal level, but she’s still out-dancing you.”
“She’s still a liability,” Bailey argued in return.
It still amazed me how brazen Bailey behaved when Anya wasn’t around. She was argumentative and downright disrespectful to Starr and the other instructors. It was mind-boggling that she didn’t believe the instructors and choreographers would report her words and actions back t
o Anya.
“Enough, Bailey,” Starr snarled.
“Peyton made me hit my head!” Wendy cried big crocodile tears.
I had to give Wendy an A-plus for her theatrics. She was the consummate actress, and if I didn’t know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she had planned to hurt me, I would believe her myself.
“You were going to head-butt my knee,” I snarled as I reached down to help Kayley up.
Kayley gave me a grateful smile as she cradled her elbow, wincing in pain.
“She’s not strong enough to hold up her own weight, let alone anyone else's,” Wendy pouted as she squared up to Alex and pointed at me.
“You don’t think we have eyes?” Starr hissed back. “Bailey and Wendy, we have given you enough chances. Buckle down or you’re kicked off the team.”
Wendy immediately snapped her mouth closed while Bailey continued to argue.
“You can’t do that.” Bailey’s beautiful features were twisted in an ugly sneer. “My mom already paid for the costumes, registration fees, and participation fees.”
“You signed a contract,” Alex reminded her with a glare. “At any time, you can be removed, and no−” she continued with her hand raised—"you can’t and won’t get a refund. Now let’s start from the top, but Bailey, you’re last in line. Wendy, you’re behind her. Kayley, do you think you can be the base?” Kayley quickly nodded. “And Peyton, you can position yourself between Kayley and Leanne.”
I gave the nod.
Starr originally had us lined up so that the “biggest” girl− not that any of us would ever be described as thick, by any means− was the base, while the rest of us lined up by size. I may be one of the tallest girls on the team, but I didn’t have the physical sturdiness of others.
If I were at a hundred percent, I wouldn’t have doubted my ability to hold up the others, but I wasn’t. I knew the dance was already wearing on me. We had been at it for an hour and my body was already screaming in protest. After so many weeks of inactivity, it continually reminded me that it wasn’t in peak shape or anything remotely close to it.
“Okay, girls, from the top,” Alex said in a no-nonsense tone.
We all took our spots as Leave a Light On began once more. I got lost in the lyrics as my body performed the movements. Renee was taking the lead today and performed her parts flawlessly. We all took our cues from her. It wasn’t set in stone that Renee would be the lead this weekend, but I could already tell it would be her or Kayley.
It was abundantly clear that Starr and Alex had faith that I could perform with the others and blend in. However, I wouldn’t and couldn’t function as front and center for any length of time. I already had enough on my plate with my duet this week, and they weren’t going to overwhelm me any further.
Even with my “back-up” position, I still tried to emote to the song's lyrics. I tried to imagine how the writer felt when they tried to convince the person they loved that they would be there for them. That they recognized the person they cared about was seeking the darkness but wanted them to know they didn’t want to lose them to drugs. That they would “leave the light on” for them to make their way back “home.”
When we got back to the part in the song where we were supposed to line up and do the tricky movement of leaning on each other, I immediately felt the difference. Kayley held firm, and Leanne was strong enough to barely need me.
I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as Bailey unbent and went into the fifth position. She extended her arms into a right L. Then she had to chassé, put her arms in the first position, and do a décollage at a forty-five degree angle. She took a couple of steps, did a switch tilt, tucked her right leg back, and rolled.
Her movements caused a chain reaction when she had her arms into the right L; the next person went, and so on. I could tell some of us were a few beats behind, and some of us, including me, were a bit sloppy, but at least we made it further than we had thus far.
I could have cheered when the song ended and we were finally able to do the whole number without stopping.
“Okay, from the top. Renee and Kayley switch places, and we’ll see how this goes,” Alex instructed.
This number was technically demanding, so I knew the pressure was on Renee and Kayley. They not only had to learn the part of the lead but the group’s as well, memorizing both and performing them flawlessly. I was happy for them, even though I wished I was capable of being in the running for the lead as well.
The performance would definitely be talked about for weeks in the dancing world. Not only because Anya, Alex, and Starr had bumped up the difficulty level, but we planned to leave an impression with the message. I’d heard the costumes were breathtaking, and the makeup and props would be more dramatic than ever. They hoped to leave the audience stunned and completely captivate the judges.
“Can we have a quick water break?” one of the girls huffed.
I was pleased to see I wasn’t the only one suffering today. Typically, I could have continued going, and I wouldn’t have wanted to stop until we completed the number at least a few more times correctly. However, I already felt like I was running on fumes. I was in desperate need of a break.
Alex looked up at the clock and then nodded. “Let’s make it quick. I’ll give you five. We have thirty minutes to run this piece a few times before we evaluate the solos.”
I was one of the first ones over to my water bottle. I picked up my towel, wiped the perspiration off my neck and face, and guzzled my water down. My stomach grumbled in protest, wanting more sustenance.
“How are you doing?” Starr asked sympathetically.
I jumped slightly but then feigned a smile. “I’ll get there,” I reassured Starr.
I hadn’t failed to notice how Alex and Starr had watched me closely. I knew they were concerned about me, but I wished they wouldn’t make it so noticeable. Their intense scrutiny only made me more self-conscious and worried I would fail.
I knew my body was telling me to slow down, but I couldn’t. I had gotten a small taste of oblivion and I wanted more. Dance had always been an escape for me, and it was proving to be so once more. The more I lost myself in the music and dance steps, the easier it was to forget what I had been through.
“Keep it up,” Starr murmured, understanding how much I needed this.
●
“Peyton, this is Desmond, or Des,” Sal introduced me to the man standing with him. “He’s going to take you to school and will be with you the entire afternoon.”
“Nice to meet you.” I nodded at Des as I pulled my wet hair up into a messy bun.
I had lost track of time today and had very little time to shower and get ready for school. I couldn’t blow-dry my hair; so, messy bun it was. It wasn’t how I planned my first day back at school, but at least I was still presentable.
I purposely chose a “cute” outfit in the hopes that people would think I was well put together. I wanted them to believe I wasn’t the girl that had been taken and suffered the ordeal I had. I was hoping if I were pretty enough on the outside, they wouldn’t attempt to search for the cracks.
I had to admit I had done a good enough job, nearly fooling myself. I had carefully applied my makeup to hide the dark bags under my eyes and put some color on my pale washed-out complexion.
I had a pair of dark skinny jeans on with tears strategically placed on both legs. I put on a long white tank top, with a wide belt across my slim waist. I also had on a thigh-length camel-colored cardigan opened over it. My heeled ankle boots were camel-colored as well. The scarf I chose for today was a mixture of browns with deep burgundy high-lights.
For anonymity purposes, I put a pair of oversized sunglasses on. I didn’t know how or who told the news outlets my whereabouts, but we were aware of their presence when we prepared to leave the coffee shop. Luckily, we could slip out of a back door before they’d discover me, but I knew I wasn’t going to be as lucky a second time.
“The truck is out back
, Ms. Delaney,” Des murmured.
“Thank you, but please call me Peyton,” I insisted.
I was still trying to get used to having a constant shadow. Now, it would seem, I would have to break in quite a few of them until I decided who would work out for my family at the Issacs’.
“See you later, Peyton.” Sal nodded at me. “Have a good day at school.”
I really liked Sal, and I’d miss him when he moved on. I wasn’t sure when he would no longer be needed, but he had definitely grown on me.
As planned, Sal was taking Renee to school and heading back to the house afterward. He was now in charge of the guards we left behind and security there, replacing Cooper. Grandpa had told us he would move Cooper to the big house, and Sal would take over his position as head security.
A small smile curved my lips at his words. “Thanks, Sal. I hope you have a good day, too. See you at school, Ray.”
Renee smiled and wiggled her fingers at me. “Later, Peyton.” She followed Sal out the door.
We had planned to drive separately until the media frenzy died down, and I was happy when I’d found out that my family made sure Renee still got rides to and from school, even in my absence.
Des ushered me to the side exit. It was technically an alley and had a gate, giving us an alternate means of leaving. We already knew that most news outlets expected me to exit at the front of the building. Luckily, the alley was fenced off, and the owners of the building next to us− a florist shop− had already permitted us to use their entrances and exits.
As if on cue, the door opened, and the older shopkeeper gave us a warm smile. “It’s clear at the side entrance,” she informed us.
“Thank you,” I murmured appreciatively.
It was times like these I wondered if all this cloak and dagger stuff was worth me returning to my typical life. Then I reminded myself that if I continued to hide between gates and doors, my abusers would have won. They already affected my life enough. My determination to reclaim my life was like giving them the middle finger. I would be damned if I had to live my life as a hermit, living in fear because of them.