“Yes, ma’am,” Jackson muttered, sipping his own drink.
“Catfish,” Janie suddenly declared. Jackson raised an eyebrow and gave her a curious look. “I think I’ll try the Catfish,” she explained.
“Good choice.”
They chatted until their food arrived, sharing stories of their childhoods and funny anecdotes. Jackson said very little about his time in the military, and Janie carefully sidestepped her family. Unlike barbecue, those really were topics too serious for a first date. Although her family was going to have to come up sooner, rather than later.
Overall, their conversation flowed easily and naturally. No awkward pauses, no scrambling for something to say. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but it was comfortable. He wasn’t some unknown entity.
She didn’t have to worry about a backup plan if he turned out to be a creep. She didn’t have to worry about giving out too much personal information. And she didn’t have to put on a show and be the sexy siren.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been out with someone as just herself. It was freeing, and also terrifying. She reminded herself they were just out as friends. This wasn’t really a date.
Speaking of…
“So, what’s next, friend?” Janie asked after the waitress had removed their plates and went to retrieve their check.
“Well, now I drive you home,” he smiled. “And then tomorrow, I call you and invite you out for a drink after work, which you’ll accept, of course.”
“There’s just one teeny, tiny problem with that,” Janie sighed. “I have plans.”
“Oh.” He shrugged. “No problem. Some other time.”
His smile never faltered, but some of the light went out of his eyes and she immediately felt like an ass.
“My family is in town,” she explained. “It was totally out of the blue, no warning at all. I only found out today. I told them I had plans tonight, but I agreed to go to dinner tomorrow instead.”
“No worries,” he replied. “Family first.”
Janie nearly rolled her eyes. That certainly wasn’t her motto.
“Unless…”
“Unless, what?” Jackson asked.
“You wouldn’t want to join us, would you?” Janie asked, practically holding her breath.
“I don’t want to butt in on a family dinner,” he replied.
“Please. You’d be doing me a favor,” Janie admitted, looking out the window to watch the people hustling past on the street. The clouds had moved in and a light rain was falling.
“If you want me there,” Jackson began. “I suppose, as your friend, I can’t say no.”
Janie smiled and bit her lip. He certainly was persistent, and an awfully good sport.
The tension she’d been feeling all day had been drained away and replaced by tension of a different kind. On the return drive, she took the opportunity to just watch Jackson as he navigated the city streets. She’d been too anxious earlier to really take the opportunity to appreciate him at her leisure while his attention was focused on the road.
He really was handsome. All that bronzed skin and dark hair, with just a hint of a curl. That well groomed beard that only served to highlight the angles of his jaw. High cheekbones, straight nose, brown eyes so deep and warm you could sink into them like one of those mud baths at the spa.
He was tall and muscular which made her feel downright dainty in comparison. And she’d never felt dainty a day in her life. And dear Lord in heaven did he smell amazing- warm and musky, like vanilla and oak.
My God, you’re comparing him to Yankee Candle scents now! Wake the hell up!
Janie cleared her throat and searched for something to say, realizing the silence had stretched between them for a little too long while she’d been lost in a Harlequin romance novel of her own design.
“So, did your mom get her invitation?” Janie asked.
“Invitation?”
“To the wedding.”
“Connor’s wedding?” Jackson asked, confused.
“Yeah. Didn’t Lex mention it to you?” Janie asked. “Oh, shit. I hope it wasn’t supposed to be a surprise. I thought she would’ve told you. Please don’t tell her I told you. I don’t need a bridezilla on my hands,” Janie babbled.
She wasn’t really worried about Alexandra being mad, more… disappointed. She could not handle that girl being disappointed.
“No, she didn’t mention it,” Jackson said. “You sure she invited my mom?”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Janie replied, nodding emphatically. “We went over the guest list like twenty times before we sent it to the printers.”
Jackson laughed softly at her grumbling as he parked on the street half a block from Janie’s place. He hopped out and came around to open the door for her, just like he had at the restaurant, giving her a hand to hold onto as she climbed down.
And once again, he took her hand in his and began leading her down the sidewalk. He intertwined their fingers and was stroking his thumb gently across the back of her hand in a simple caress that sent a shiver down her spine.
The same thumb that had touched her so intimately the night before, that had given her one of the best orgasms of her life. She suddenly couldn’t stop remembering every detail. The feel of his shirt beneath her hands, the roughness of his hands on her face, that little tug on her hair and the feel of his lips on her skin.
Then memories morphed into fantasy and by the time they’d arrived at her door, she was wet and aching and wanted nothing more than to invite him inside. Angel would be at work until morning. They’d have the entire house to themselves until morning.
“Got your keys?”
Jackson husky whisper snapped her out of it. She was standing at the door just staring at him.
“Oh.” She blinked. “Yeah.” She retrieved her keys from the pocket of her coat and unlocked the door. She stepped through and entered the code to keep the alarm from going off. She turned back to Jackson, fully intending to invite him in, but she never got the chance.
His mouth crashed down on hers like a strike of lightning and in an instant she was up in flames. His hands gripped her hips, tugging her more firmly against him as he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth and nipped at it gently. She moaned, opening for him.
His tongue invaded her mouth and she welcomed it, pulling him in farther with her arms around his neck. Her fingers burrowed into the short hair at his nape and he groaned appreciatively.
Then, as suddenly as it had begun, he was gone. Her eyes popped open, blinking in confusion. Jackson stood there, breathing heavily, and leaned his forehead against hers.
“I should go,” he said roughly.
She wanted to protest. She wanted him to carry her upstairs and fuck her senseless until they were both too exhausted to move. But then what? Would she kick him out in the middle of the night? Would he sleep over? She didn’t do sleepovers.
Reluctantly she nodded. Taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly.
He gave her one more soft kiss before he turned and walked away. Janie couldn’t help but feel that she’d either missed an opportunity or dodged a bullet. Only time would tell which.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Sweet Baby Jesus.
After the last thirty six hours, Jackson felt like a walking hard-on. And this time it seemed like there was nothing he could do, nothing he could think about, to calm himself. The drive home felt like an absolute eternity.
He climbed the three flights to his door, unlocked it and walked in with a sigh of relief. Maybe Parker would be up to give him a rash of shit like no one but Parker could and take his mind off things. He listened for signs that Parker was home and awake, but it was quiet in their little two bedroom apartment. No TV noise, no shower running, no microwave.
He took off his jacket and hung it up on the hook by the door. He bypassed the kitchen and living room, heading down the hallway to where their bedrooms sat across from one another. Parker’s door was shut and no
light shone underneath. There was a hastily scrawled note taped to his door that read, ‘Shut the fuck up, I’m sleeping.”
That couldn’t be good. But there was nothing he could do about it now, and he was still way too keyed up to be able to sleep. He went to his room directly across the hall and stripped out of his clothes, folding each item and draping them over the chair in the corner. He grabbed a clean pair of boxers and a clean towel and went around the corner into the bathroom.
He turned the shower on and let it warm up while he brushed his teeth and stripped out of his skivvies.
The hot water eased some of the tension and he simply stood there for several minutes letting it pour over him. For a while, he thought he was going to be able to unwind, but as he washed his hair his thoughts drifted back to Janie’s fingers combing through it when he’d kissed her.
From there his mind wandered over every sound, every touch, every taste from earlier that evening, as well as the day before until he was hard as a rock again. He rinsed his hair and started to wash his body. It wasn’t long before he found himself, cock in hand, thinking about what might have happened if he’d stayed.
He could be there with her right now, stripping her out of those tight jeans and down to whatever lacy things she wore underneath. The strap beneath her sweater was cream colored lace and he would bet her underwear had matched.
He could picture her in all her glory, generous curves straining the fabric. She had that classic hourglass figure and he could practically feel the softness of her breasts and the fullness of her ass in his hands.
And then he pictured that saucy smile curving those pouty lips up at the corners just before she opened for him. Then she’d-
Christ almighty.
He hadn’t even gotten to the good stuff before he’d shot his load. Maybe it was a good thing he hadn’t stayed. She certainly wasn’t going to be impressed if he couldn’t last any longer than a few minutes.
At least now he could relax and sleep before having to test his gonadal fortitude again tomorrow night.
✽✽✽
Janie could only describe what she was experiencing as sheer panic. She didn’t know what she’d been thinking last night when she’d invited Jackson to dinner with her family. Okay, she did know what she’d been thinking; namely that she’d sell her soul not to have to be alone with them for more than five minutes.
But if this didn’t work, if his presence there didn’t keep the sea hag in line, how humiliating and mortifying would this dinner turn out to be? And one could never tell with Nancy. By the time Alexandra went out for lunch, Janie was practically hyperventilating.
She ducked into the empty conference room and hit the first number on her speed dial.
“Hello?”
“Bonnie, I’m freaking out. Do you have time?” Janie asked. She heard muffled voices on the other side of the phone and then a door clicking shut.
“For you? Always,” Bonnie replied in that calm way she had about her. “Talk to me.”
“My step-monster is in town,” Janie whispered, though there was no one in sight and the door was shut.
“Oh, dear,” Bonnie replied.
“Bit of an understatement, Bonnie.”
“Yes, I suppose it is.”
“I don’t know what to do. My father wants me to go to dinner. He gave me no warning whatsoever. They just… showed up in town and called me when they got here. I’m panicking. And on top of that, I asked Jackson to come with me- after I went to dinner with him- after he...”
Janie paused to take a breath and Bonnie interrupted.
“Okay, start over,” She said soothingly. “Connor’s friend, Jackson?”
“Yes,” Janie confirmed. She proceeded to explain the whole situation, which took several minutes, and then she waited. Bonnie had an often annoying habit of taking time to process information before responding.
“Okay,” Bonnie began. “Why don’t we start with how you’re feeling. Are you afraid of a relapse?”
Always…
“Sort of,” Janie admitted. “I feel like things are spinning out of control. I feel… powerless.”
“Are you powerless?” Bonnie asked. It was one of the first things they’d gone over when Janie had started therapy, recognizing her own power.
“No,” Janie said, taking a steadying breath.
“Good,” Bonnie replied. “Let’s break this down. I see two sources of these feelings and I think we need to address them separately.”
“Okay,” Janie said cautiously.
“Let’s talk about Nancy first. What power does she have over you right now at this point in your life?”
“She’s ruined my relationship with my father and my half-sister.”
“She certainly hasn’t made it easy for you, particularly with your younger sister, but we’ve discussed how your father is at least partially responsible for the situation. He is at least as culpable as your step-mother for your lack of relationship with him.”
“I know.”
“And I think we’ve also talked about how likely it is that your father has his own issues that are preventing him from being emotionally available to you.”
“Yes.”
“So, the only power that Nancy has over you is because you and your father allow her to have that power. That isn’t going to change until you and your father talk things out. Is that something you’ve considered?”
“Yes,” Janie sighed. “But I don’t know if he’ll even hear me. He never has before.”
“And if he doesn’t hear you, that’s very sad, and certainly regrettable, but you still have the power to walk away. You are allowed to set boundaries, even with family, and you are allowed to prioritize your own mental health and well-being.”
“I know.”
“Good,” Bonnie replied. “Just remember that you can always walk away.”
“Okay.” Janie took a deep breath.
“Now, let’s address Jackson.”
Janie grimaced. “Alright.”
“What I’m hearing is that you seem to have a very strong reaction to him.”
“That’s putting it mildly,” Janie snorted.
“You’re concerned about the amount of power that could give him over your emotional well-being.”
“I’m not sure-”
“Janie, how long have I known you?” Bonnie asked.
“Um,” Janie hesitated. “About four years?”
“That’s right. And in that time, how many serious relationships have you had?”
“Um.. let me think.”
“None, Janie. You haven’t seen a man more than a half a dozen times, and never in the context of a meaningful, long-term relationship.”
“What is your point?”
“My point is, you’re scared that you might actually like him. If you like him, then you care about his opinions and whether or not he likes you back. That caring gives him the ability to hurt you, which is something you can’t control.”
“I know, I know. Fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, all that.”
“Fear of losing control, Janie,” Bonnie said softly. “You didn’t have it as a child, so you cling to it with every fiber of your being as an adult.”
Janie pondered that in silence. It wasn’t anything she didn’t already know, it has just never been a real issue before. She’d never been… tempted to give up that control. She’d been satisfied to date on her own terms. Until now.
“Have you been keeping up with your treatment plan?” Bonnie asked.
“Yeah. I journal, I’ve kept to my nutritional targets and my exercise regimen.”
“Good,” Bonnie said approvingly. “When was the last time you went to a meeting?”
“It’s been a while. I’ve been busy,” Janie said guiltily.
“Maybe you should try to find some time in the next few days,” Bonnie suggested.
“Okay.”
“So what’s your plan, Janie?” Bonnie asked.
&
nbsp; “Set boundaries with my family and walk away if I need to. I’ll find a meeting in the next couple of days. And I’ll stick to my treatment plan.”
“And Jackson?”
“What about him?” Janie asked.
“I think you might be ready to give up just a little of that control, knowing, of course, that you can always take it back,” Bonnie said slowly. “Think of it as lending the control. That might help.”
Oddly, it did sort of help. It kept things in perspective, at least in her head.
“I’ll think about it,” Janie said hesitantly.
“That’s all I ever ask, kiddo,” Bonnie chuckled.
Was Bonnie right? Was she really ready to give someone the power to hurt her? There was no guarantee he would. Or that he wouldn’t. No guarantees. That was another thing Bonnie liked to say.
Well, tonight would be a sort of test, she supposed. If she could handle tonight without a major meltdown afterwards, maybe she was ready to give Jackson- correction, lend him an ounce or two of control.
She thought of Jackson, his smile, his laugh, his kisses- and for the first time since she was six, she was almost looking forward to dinner with her family. Almost.
✽✽✽
Jackson had sent Janie a text that afternoon so he’d know when to pick her up for dinner with her family. She’d suggested meeting him at the restaurant, but he’d insisted that it was no trouble to pick her up.
He didn’t want to give up any time he could spend with her alone, and he wanted to be sure he’d have the opportunity for another good night kiss. He wouldn’t push for more. He was determined to take things slowly until Janie was sure about him.
It was hard, no pun intended, but it was also kind of nice. He hadn’t dated much, having spent the majority of his adult life in combat zones, but what experience he’d had was… well, mediocre, at best.
It seemed like women spoke an entirely different language that he just couldn’t understand. There were codes within codes and non-verbal negotiations. It was exhausting. There might be men out there who had the answers to those riddles, but he had yet to meet a single one.
And with everything the way it was, it was difficult to be sure where you stood. Sex could be committement or it could be just sex. You didn’t say you were dating anymore, you told your friends you were “talking” to someone.
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