by Amber Nicole
Another thing that's happened thanks to my best friend Hope is someone put bleach, and Nair into the cheerleaders’ shampoo in the locker room showers. I didn't decide on that little vengeance that was all Hope, unfortunately Bianca, and Cheyenne don't take showers here it’s too beneath them, but don't you worry about that. Hope; my woman crush, my goddess. I seriously love her. She put laxatives in their water bottles, and during a halftime performance let’s just say things got messy. These little accidents will never make up for what they did to me, but it helps Ash. He feels like he can do something, even if it's just putting a smile on my face. He’s trying so hard, but some days I just feel broken, and worthless. I have good days and bad days. The sessions with Dr. Pepper helps some, but I would rather be at home in bed.
Walking into the building—which is starting to feel like my second home since I’m here so much—I cross over to the restroom and pop a quick Xanax. They seem to be the only thing helping me these days. Stepping back out I sit in the waiting room and wait to be called. She never makes me wait long.
“How are you feeling today Gracie?” Dr. Pepper asks, as I take my usual seat on her soft tan couch.
“Today has been a good day. I woke up to some beautiful flowers from Ash, the cheerleaders are starting to avoid me now. I was actually able to eat some lunch. I think the medications you prescribed are helping a lot. I still get sad when I think of my baby, but I’m doing what you said and taking it day by day.” I give her a small smile. I hope she can’t see that I’m lying through my teeth, that it’s a struggle just to wake up in the morning. If it wasn’t for Ash’s love and support I’d still be in bed. They say depression can come and go. I'm still waiting for it to go. Giving me a smile back she seems happy with that response. “That’s great Gracie, you and Ash deserve to move on. I know things are about to get more stressful with Ash leaving for military training. But you have graduation, and a wedding to plan as well to help keep your mind busy. How are things going with your family? Any change since the truth came out about Mia and your brother?”
“Not really, Anna left him and took the baby. My parents decided to go on an extended vacation to our beach house in Maui. I don’t think they’re planning on returning. Dad can work from anywhere and mom is going to retire. We don’t talk much. Gray calls at least once a day but I’m not ready to answer. I know he’s living at the house, and he’s still working for the family practice. Ash and I have discussed renting a small place in town for me to stay at for the months he’s away until we move to whatever base they send him to. He wants to leave his father's place. I don’t blame him, that house is way too big for just the two of us.”
“That’s a good idea, a fresh start for the both of you is what you need. How is Ash doing since all the details about that night came to light? I remember you saying he was still drinking to cope? Has that decreased at all?”
“Yes, his drinking has practically stopped. His latest coping mechanism seems to be his over protectiveness of me and throwing himself in the wedding planning.”
She chuckles at that. She loves Ash. I never knew because no one told me but Ash used to have sessions with her after Mia died. It makes sense now why she was always overly pushy wanting to know if my memories came back.
“I’m glad the drinking has stopped, he needs to get back on track or the military won’t want him.” Nodding in agreement I watch her take notes. I see we have only five minutes left of this session. Good I just want to go home, climb back in bed and not do anything.
“Okay I see we only have a few more minutes left but I wanted to ask, have you thought more on what I talked about last session? Have you been to the cliff at all? I know you don’t want to go there Gracie, and honestly I don’t blame you, but you need to face your past. You need to think about forgiving Mia, so you can move on. We now know what really happened. Mia was unstable, she stopped taking her medications because she thought they would hurt her baby. If she was in her right mind I don’t think she would have ever caused you any harm. We will never know for sure, but you are a good person Gracie with a caring, compassionate heart, I think you both need to visit the cliffs and offer her forgiveness so you and Ash can have a happy life, a healthy marriage.”
“I’m still thinking about it. Ash and I have discussed it. Thanks, Dr. Pepper. I'll see you next week,” I say, gathering my things and walking out to Ash who’s waiting for me.
“How did it go?”
“Fine, can we stop and get something to drink before our next stop.”
He opens the car door for me before getting in and starting the engine. He pulls off at a drive thru ordering me a large sweet tea, before heading to my lawyer’s office to get this mediation done with. I’m at the point where I just want this to end. The one person who I wanted to pay got away with a slap on the wrist thanks to her rich daddy. After the poopscapade—that’s what the guys are calling the halftime show—we haven't seen or heard anything from Bianca. She just disappeared, and I hope she never comes back because I can promise you it won't end well for her.
34
Ashton
Today’s the day we put all this high school drama aside. It’s Graduation Day. Feeling my phone vibrate I pull it from my back pocket. Gracie's gorgeous face lights up my screen so I click to accept the video call.
“Hey babe, where are you? I woke up and you were already gone?”
“Hey beautiful, I’ll be home soon okay? I have a surprise for you and Hope, what time is she coming by?”
“Awww, you're so sweet. She said Dom was dropping her off in a half hour. So get home soon so I can have a few minutes with you before the craziness starts,” she tells me with a wink then ends the call not letting me respond. Fuck that girl will be the end of me. Running my hand down my face I look into my rearview mirror. I’m smiling, seems to be a normal occurrence these days. Gracie is my shining light. She takes all the darkness and makes it bright again. After her second accident and losing our baby she's been really struggling. I don't know how she's going to handle me being gone for eight weeks with limited contact. I’m hoping Hope will stay with her so she's not alone the whole time. I made sure to rent us a three bedroom condo just in case. Starting my car I slowly back out from the coffee shop where I picked up Gracie’s favorite drink, and some donuts. They really need to make a drive thru here. My phone starts ringing through the bluetooth as I drive so I hit answer figuring it’s either Dom or Gracie. Fuck it’s not.
“What is this I hear about you marrying your sister’s killer? Have you lost your goddamn mind Ashton Tristan?”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Hello father, how nice of you to call me. I’m doing well by the way thanks for asking. As for your last comment if you just happened to answer the hundreds of calls or texts from me you would know that Gracie didn't hurt Mia. In fact it was the other way around. Now today is graduation. I'm assuming that's the main purpose of your call? Will I be seeing your sparkling face, or is there something that came up?”
“What do you mean Mia hurt Gracie? You know what never mind, it doesn't matter. No son I will not be there today. I have been detained.”
Hearing giggles in the background, then him telling someone to be quiet. Yeah he's being detained alright. “Great, well I hope you have a fantastic day father, thanks for the courtesy call. I assume there has been a deposit to my account for this inconvenience?”
“What? Oh yes, I had Patrice wire some funds this morning. We will talk soon.” I hear the click before I can respond. Typical conversation with my father. Running my hand over my face I sigh and pull into our parking spot. Before I can even reach the front door I have a smiling Gracie running into my arms. Careful not to drop the drinks and goodies I wrap one arm around her before pressing my lips to hers. Pulling back from me Gracie goes straight for the donuts. “Oh. My. God, these are so addicting. Keep feeding me like this Ash and I won’t fit in my wedding dress this winter.” She’s crazy. If anything she needs to gain some weig
ht. “You’re gorgeous Gracie,” I tell her, giving her another quick kiss that ends up with glaze all over my lips from her donut. She giggles at me, taking my hand and pulling me back into our condo. “We have fifteen minutes before Hope gets here, want to take a shower with me?” She doesn't wait for my answer just starts running towards our room still giggling. Hell yes I want to shower with her. I drop our drinks on the table next to the door then chase after her. Grabbing her by her hips I flip her over my shoulder, then smack her perfect ass causing her to squeal. I’m really going to miss this.
Graduation flies by and before I know it I’m standing in an airport saying goodbye to the love of my life and our friends.
“Babe, I have to go. It’s going to be okay, just eight weeks of letters then I’ll call you every chance I can okay? Please don’t cry Gracie. I love you forever and on okay?”
Looking into my eyes she doesn’t reply. I can see the tears she's holding back. Giving me a nod she grabs my hair and puts her lips on mine again.
“I’ll call you soon as I can okay? Next time I see your beautiful face in person will be the day you walk down the aisle to me. I love you Gracie,” I whisper in her ear. Placing her one more kiss on the top of her head, I pull away to give Dom a quick hug goodbye then turn and head towards my gate. Not looking back. I know if I do it will be harder for me to leave her. Dom has her now and I trust him, he will get her through this. Dr. Pepper was nervous this may set her back from the progress she’s made. But I know my girl. She’s strong, a fighter, she can handle this. It’s just eight weeks. Then I’ll have unlimited phone privileges during tech school.
I pass out on the plane and miss the whole trip from New York to Texas. As soon as we depart the plane they load us onto a bus.
Once we get to base we’re directed to our barracks while being screamed at. They line us up next to our bunks, we have to dump all our belongings on the bed while they rifle through everything, confiscating any electronics that we brought with us. While still screaming at us about how worthless we are and we won't make it here. This is nothing compared to how my father used to yell at me. I only brought my phone. I had hoped I would be able to send a quick text letting Gracie know I arrived but I guess she’ll just have to wait for my first letter. She swore she’d write to me and I’m looking forward to having a pen pal relationship.
“Fuck, Gracie turn that off,” I snap. Whatever she’s listening to is loud as shit.
“Daniels out of bed. Hurry man we only have about thirty minutes to be ready for PT and lined up in the hallway,” someone says while giving my arm a shake. Shit that’s right I’m at basic training. I open my eyes to chaos. Everyone is running around like their asses are on fire. Fuck I’m going to be late. I throw off my covers, roll to the floor and do a couple quick push ups to get my blood pumping. Twenty minutes later I’m showered, shaved, dressed and ready to start my day. Not bad.
Returning to our bunks I’m wiped, but I promised Gracie I would write to her and it’s already day six. I grab the special stationary she surprised me with on Graduation and a pen. It has the Air Force logo on the top and everything.
Doll,
I miss you. How are things going back home? Any more drama? I miss waking up with you in my arms. Here I wake up every morning at zero five hundred to Reveille. You know that loud bugle music that we’ve seen in the movies. Exactly that.
I’m sorry I haven’t written to you sooner. I’m loving it here but I’m totally exhausted from all the drilling and marching. I thought I was a gym rat before, but this is intense. My sergeant is crazy tough!
First week has flown by and I’m starting to adjust to the routine. Well for the most part it varies day to day. A few days ago they took us over to the medical area, had us in the waiting room in formation, made us follow our element back and walk through an assembly line of shots. My ass still hurts. I had a guy vomit in front of me and a guy pass out behind me, and to make it worse we had PT right after. Classes aren't too bad either. Have you decided what you want to go to school for yet? Last we talked it was a toss up between kids, and cookies.
I really miss hearing your voice but the letters will have to do for now. I’m excited every time I get one.
I’m doing really well on my tests, so I get phone privileges. Fuck Yeah. I can’t wait to call.
Write me back babe!!
Your future husband ;)
Ash
I passed my tests so I’m able to use the phone today. Fuck I can’t wait to hear her voice. It’s only been two and a half weeks but it feels like a lifetime away from her. I hold the phone to my ear and wait. It rings, and rings, and rings. Where the fuck is she? She usually has her phone glued to her hand. “Hey you’ve reached Gracie. Sorry I missed your call. Leave me a message and I’ll call you back. If this is Ash I love you babe, and I miss you. Beep!” This wasn’t how I wanted to hear her voice but that little call out at the end was nice I guess. I leave her a quick voicemail. I sound like a whipped ponyboy but I don’t give a shit I miss my girl. Someone snickers behind me and it takes all my strength not to knock the fucker out. It doesn't help that we have no privacy. The payphones are on the patio and there’s about forty other people lined up behind me waiting for their turn. I head back to my bunk. This is not how I saw my day off going.
Once a week we receive our mail in the dayroom if our TI is in a good mood that is. Thank god Gracie dates her letters since I get a pile at a time.
The days here are long but the nights are worse. It’s been three weeks with no letter. Nothing, I'm hoping to make a phone call this weekend. I need to know she's okay. Even being in Texas these barracks are freezing. The food here isn't terrible but we're lucky if we get more than ten minutes to eat. I've resorted to smearing my pancakes with peanut butter and rolling them like a burrito. What I wouldn't give for some homemade cinnamon rolls.
I get out a new piece of paper and write another letter to Gracie pleading for her to write back.
Hey Doll,
Well I only have a few more weeks left. I haven't gotten a letter from you in a really long time. I don’t know what's going on. I was getting them daily. But now it’s not even weekly? What’s up? If there is something you need to tell me then you can say it. I know that I told you I would write to you every day in here, and I’m trying, but I have been sending you letters. If I can I’ll call you this weekend. If I do then I can ask you why I haven't been getting any letters? So what are you up to? I miss you every day. I’m really getting worried about us Gracie. I’ve sent you so many letters asking you to write me back and you haven't. This is one of the things I was worried about, but I thought after everything we have been through already we were stronger than ever. Are you still there for me? Well besides me being depressed about like a lot. It’s not so bad here. I went through the gas chamber and it was crazy. I would so do it again. I did the obstacle course too, which was fun. The details aren't too bad I've had KP four times. It’s basically just cleaning the kitchen and eating a lot of junk food. We go to class, and fall asleep. So yeah. OOOhhhh my day is 16-18 hours long every day. Can you believe that? I have my flight drill tomorrow, and PT. I still don’t have any information about where my tech school is.
My jaw cracks as I yawn, further proof of my long, tiring days. My blurred eyes struggle to focus as I continue writing.
Gracie this is going to be my last letter to you, until I get one back. I miss you and right now I am confused as fuck. You told me you would write every day, and you did then you just stopped. Not to mention the last letter you sent wasn't even a page long. Well I am going to say it again. I hope tomorrow I get letters from you. I hope something didn't happen because I am going out of my mind over here. I’m going to call you as soon as I possibly can. I don’t know what to keep writing but writing this letter I feel close to you. Let’s see I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait to talk to you. I don’t know what’s going on with you because I don’t have any new fucking LETTERS!!!!
&n
bsp; My hand scrunches the page in my frustration, I really can’t understand why she hasn’t written. I straighten it back out flat once more before I finish pouring my heart out to my girl.
I know that I keep saying it but it’s true. It hurts when someone walks into a room with a shit load of letters and you’re waiting to hear your name called because it means that you have mail, and they go through the stack and it gets smaller and smaller and it’s half way gone and your hopes are still raising then it gets to the last letter and your name isn't called and the feeling of sadness, and depression. The feeling that people don’t even take five minutes to write a letter to you when you don't even have time to write but you do. You still write, and wait for mail that never comes. I've been waiting on responses to questions and needing your opinions, and god Gracie I just need some encouragement to keep going through with this. Fuck I sound like a little bitch but after mail call I felt emptier than I’ve ever felt before. I really felt like a drone. I didn't want to do anything. I’m not hungry, I'm having trouble focusing in class. I just need to know that you are okay!! I don’t want one or two or ten. I need them. You have no idea how much they help me. Every time I get a letter from you I’m filled with joy and that's just from getting them. When I read them I feel loved, cared about, wanted. Instead of feeling empty and unwanted. I love you Gracie. I need you to know that I will do anything, fucking anything to keep you. You’re it for me.
Please just write me!!!!