by L A Cotton
* * *
Here in the darkness the truth sets me free
From a place I don’t wanna be
Here in the darkness blood runs free
Washing away the pain that lives in me
* * *
The way you wore your hair, the softness of your voice
A familiar smell or a simple touch
It’s the little things that remind me of you
But then I remember you’re gone and the light fades
* * *
Here in the darkness the truth sets me free
From a place I don’t wanna be
Here in the darkness blood runs free
Washing away the pain that lives in me
* * *
By the time he sang the last lyrics, I had tears brimming in my eyes. “Shit, Eva, I didn’t...”
“That was beautiful,” I sniffled, “and you said you couldn’t sing. Who is it about?”
“What?” He seemed taken aback by my question.
“The song,” I added. “Who is it about?” Because there was no way a song so painful yet passionate wasn’t about someone. There had been a split-second, during the second chorus, I’d felt a sting of jealousy. I was envious of whoever the song was about. Because who didn’t want that kind of love? The infatuation. The pure unadulterated yearning that was bound to leave a mark.
“I, uh,” he ran a hand through his hair and down his neck, rubbing vigorously, “we all have our demons, right?” Rafe’s shoulders lifted in a dismissive shrug, and I knew it was the only answer I was getting tonight.
I didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Relieved because I wasn’t the only one keeping secrets, or disappointed because he didn’t want to share the truth with me.
“Rafe, I want to—”
My phone blared to life, startling me. There were only two people who would be calling me this late, and one was currently locked away with Hudson Ryker doing things I didn’t want to think about.
“Sorry,” I said glancing down at Mom’s name flashing across the screen. “I need to take this.”
“Sure, I’ll make a start cleaning up.”
Surprise must have registered on my face because Rafe rolled his eyes. “I’m quite capable of cleaning up after myself.”
“I didn’t—” My ringtone grew louder and I groaned beneath my breath.
“Go,” he mouthed. “I got this.”
I moved to the sliding door and stepped out onto the balcony. “Mom?”
“Hi, sweetheart,” she sounded lost and my heart cracked wide open. “How is everything there?”
“Everything is...” Glancing back into the suite, I saw Rafe standing over by the kitchen counter, watching me. “Great, Mom.” I swallowed the lie. “Are you okay? You sound—”
“I’m okay, sweetheart. It’s just... well, the house feels so lonely without both of you.” Because Dad was gone too. Guilt snaked through my chest.
“You could have come with me and Molly.”
“No, no, baby. Your daddy’s right. I have to do this; to give you space. I just...” she gulped audibly.
“I know, Mom. I know.” It was hard for her to let the people she loved most out of her sight. “But I’ll be home before you know it, and you’ll get to see me on TV tomorrow.”
“Oh gosh, Eva. I’m so excited. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. I always loved watchin’ you up on stage.”
“Try to sleep. You should have a cup of sweet tea; it might help.”
“I will. I’m sorry for calling so late, baby. It’s hard for me but I’m tryin’. I’m really tryin’.”
We said goodbye and I clutched my cell phone to me. “Everything okay?” Rafe’s voice drifted over to me and I looked over my shoulder.
“It will be,” I said, giving nothing away.
“I made you some hot chocolate.” He offered me the mug and I took a sip, the smooth rich liquid warming my insides.
“How very rock star of you.”
“I try.” His gray eyes twinkled with laughter. “Come here.”
I went to Rafe, and he eased the mug out of my hand, placing it on the ledge. His long fingers brushed my jaw, moving along my neck and into my hair as he tilted my face up to his. “I’ve wanted to do this again all night.”
My hands wound around his neck as he kissed me, his lips brushing over mine with a heated desperation I felt right down to my toes. We stumbled back as Rafe’s hand slipped to the small of my back pushing me closer as he pressed me against the wall.
“Rafe…” I panted and he broke the kiss.
“You want me to stop?” His eyes searched mine, his pupils blown with lust.
“N- no.”
“Thank fuck.” He dived for me again, attacking my mouth with fervent need. One of his hands slid to my throat, stroking the skin there, his lips chasing his fingers. Sucking and biting, sending shocks of pleasure zinging through me.
“Where have you been all my life?” Rafe whispered into my neck, his words so low I wasn’t sure they were for me. But I’d heard them. Like a gunshot to the heart they’d impacted me.
It was crazy.
We didn’t know each other. We didn’t know any of the important stuff. But I was falling. Hurtling towards the ground hoping, praying, he’d be there to catch me.
“Eva, tell me what you want?” He lifted his face, eyes dark and stormy and so full of need. I swallowed hard.
“This.” I pulled his face to mine, kissing him deeply, rubbing myself against him shamelessly. His mouth curved, and he pushed his head to mine, forcing me further against the wall. My hands pressed at my sides, steadying myself as he hooked one of his hands under my thigh, hitching my leg around his hip. I could feel him thick and hard beneath his jeans, but I wasn’t ready for that.
As if he sensed my hesitation, Rafe made no move to undress me or continue his exploration of my body. Instead he rocked gently into me at the perfect angle. I clung to his body, my breaths growing shallow and choppy.
“Imagine I’m inside you.” He whispered against the corner of my mouth, his dirty words making me shudder with pleasure. “Your tight little body gripping me. You’re so fucking wet, Eva, I can hardly stop myself.” Rafe pulled me closer, grinding my body over his jeans. It was clumsy and messy and the most erotic thing I’d ever experienced. And he hadn’t even touched me, not really.
Waves of intense pleasure began to build inside me, but he didn’t let me catch my breath. He stole my thoughts as he kissed me deeply, letting his tongue tangle with mine in slow, lazy licks. Devouring me. My shoulders began to ache, the wall pinching my muscles, but I didn’t complain.
I didn’t want him to ever stop.
“More,” I cried, pushing up on my tiptoes, trying to reach the place I needed him most.
“Jesus, Eva.” Rafe’s voice was ragged as he continued to rock into me. The fact he still hadn’t tried to touch me, to slip his hands down my jeans or up my tee wasn’t lost on me. But in a strange way, it only made him more attractive. He might have wanted more than I was willing to give him right now, but he wasn’t going to push me for it.
And that meant something.
I just had to figure out what.
“I’m going to…” The words came out breathy as my body began to tremble. Rafe slowed his movements, drawing out the pleasure crashing over me. Then I felt him tense, a low groan rumbling in his chest as he found his own release.
The weight of the moment hit me and a strangled laugh spilled from my lips.
“Something funny?” he asked, eyes alight with awe.
“That was…” How did I even begin to explain it to him? So I chose deflection instead. “I bet you haven’t done that in a long time Mr. Rock Star.”
Rafe stared at me for a second, let out a chuckle of his own, then buried one of his hands into my hair, kissing me softly. When he finally released me, I was flushed all over again. “We should probably go back inside and clean up, before they com
e looking.” Embarrassment flamed my cheeks, and he chuckled. “Now she goes shy.”
I swatted his chest but Rafe caught my wrist, tugging me into him. “Want to know a secret, Eva?”
“Yes?”
“I’ve never done that before.” He watched me, gauging my reaction. But I had nothing, gawking up at him with utter confusion and reverence. “Come on.” Rafe pulled me toward the doors. At least, Molly and Hudson were still doing whatever they were doing in the bedroom. I wouldn’t have to face her inquisition just yet.
But the second we stepped inside, I realized I was wrong.
Molly stood there, arms folded over her chest, glancing between me and Rafe. “Evangeline Star Walker, why do you look like you just—”
“Molly!” I hissed, my eyes wide with mortification. Hudson smirked, raising an eyebrow at Rafe who scratched his chin with his middle finger.
“We should, hmm, go. We should go,” I announced, wanting nothing more than the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Molly opened her mouth to protest, but I hurried over to her, grabbed her hand and yanked her toward the door.
The second we stepped into the elevator, Molly shrieked “You have some explainin’ to do.” Her eyes twinkled with amusement and what looked a lot like pride.
Trust Molly to be proud of my moment of madness out on the balcony with Rafe.
I pressed my lips together, refusing to answer. Desperately trying to focus on something—anything—other than the memory of his touch, how his piercing felt against the soft flesh of my lip.
“Please tell me what I think happened out on the balcony happened?” My eyes flew to hers, heat bursting into my cheeks. “Eva, babe,” she chuckled. “It’s written all over your face.”
“I didn’t have sex with him,” I rushed out.
“Third base then?” She waggled her brows.
“Hmm, not exactly.” My cheeks flushed five shades deeper.
“Okay, you’re going to have to work with me here because from where I was standin’ it sure looked a lot like the two of you were—”
“He made me… you know…”
“Come?” She said matter of fact, and I nodded, burying my face in my hands. “Babe, that is a good thing. A very good thing indeed. Did he…” She motioned with her head.
“I think so. We were… we didn’t actually touch each other.”
A frown pinched her brows but quickly morphed to amusement. “You dry-fucked.”
“Molly, seriously. Do you have to be so crass?”
“It is what it is.” Her shoulders shook with a soft chuckle. “No wonder you looked like a deer caught in the headlights when you came back inside. That’s very old-school. I dig it.”
I buried my face again, but Molly was there in an instant, pulling my fingers away. “You need to lighten up.” It was my turn to frown, keeping my eyes on the floor. “Listen,” she said. “Did you want it?”
I nodded. Because I had.
I’d wanted it so much.
“And did it feel good?”
Another nod as my eyes slowly lifted to hers.
“And did Rafe enjoy it?”
“I think so.”
“So what’s the problem? I should be commending you for not givin’ it up to him.” Worry flashed over her face.
“Molly, tell me you didn’t…?” But of course she had. “Oh, Molly.” I wrapped my arm around her. “You promised.”
“I know, I know. But I’m a weak woman and he’s… holy shiitake, Eva, does the guy know what he’s doin’. It’s okay though.” Resolve slammed down over her expression. “I know this is all it is. One weekend with a rock star. A very hot, very talented rock star. And I plan on enjoyin’ every damn second of it.”
Her words didn’t fill me with hope though. Because while she might have been okay with walking away after the show and filing her time with Hudson away as a fun story to tell her future grandchildren, I already knew I couldn’t do the same.
Rafe had stolen a part of me. Taken it without me realizing. I didn’t want it back though. I wanted him to have it; to cherish and protect it, keeping it with him as a reminder of our time together.
But I knew better.
I knew we didn’t always get what we wanted.
“Eva?” Molly brushed my arm, pulling my attention. “What is it?”
“Nothin’.” I choked out the word, forcing a weak smile.
“Oh no… no, no, no. You weren’t supposed to fall for him, babe.”
“Fall? I’m not fall—” She gave me a pointed look, letting out an exasperated breath.
“I didn’t mean to; it just happened,” I admitted.
“One weekend, Eva. That’s all this was supposed to be.”
“I know.” My smile widened despite the sadness clinging to my words. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Good because this life, their life… it’s great and all, but we wouldn’t last two minutes in their world. You know that, right?” I couldn’t help but think she didn’t mean us at all.
She meant me.
I wouldn’t last.
The thought sat heavy in my chest.
“Rafe’s different.” The argument sounded pitiful on my tongue, and I don’t know why I’d said it.
“He might be different now, here, away from the band and the spotlight. But did you know they’re goin’ on tour again soon?” Molly looked right at me and I looked at the elevator buttons, counting off each floor as we passed it on the way down, hating how much her honest words affected me.
“Guys like them, guys with the entire world at their feet, don’t want to be shackled to a girl.”
“Okay, I get it,” I finally snapped. “It’s doomed. I’ll focus on the contest.”
“Eva, come on.” She came to me and hugged me tight. “I’m not saying don’t enjoy it while it lasts. I’m just sayin’ be careful. I’m so happy you’re finally taking risks and livin’ life, but I don’t want you to get hurt. Not any more than you have been already.”
There it was again.
Cancer.
Lingering in the background.
Even though I was in remission, technically cancer-free, I would always be bound to it and it to me. It should have been a small price to pay for being granted a second chance.
But it didn’t feel like it.
Molly hugged me tighter, refusing to let me go. Eventually, I managed to wriggle free, but she was pouting at me. “Do you hate me?”
“I could never hate you, Mol. I just don’t know what to say either.”
“So don’t say anythin’. It’s the contest tomorrow, you need to focus on that right now. We can worry about the rest after.”
I gave her a half-hearted nod, relieved when the elevator doors pinged open to our floor. It was late and I was tired. All I wanted was to climb into bed and forget all about what happened earlier.
Well, maybe not all of it.
Some things were better saved for sweet dreams…
Or beautiful nightmares.
I woke with a start, my eyes darting around the room, straining against the darkness. Panic flooded me when I didn’t recognize my surroundings.
Where was I?
The hotel in Camdena. I was in the hotel with Molly, who was currently lying on her stomach, snoring softly.
Sitting up, I ran a hand down my face, trying to figure out what had woken me.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
I pushed back the covers, sliding my feet to the floor.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Moving silently across the room, I checked the peephole and gasped, quickly fumbling with the lock to open the door. “Rafe?” I whispered, “what are you—”
He pushed me back into the room, closing the door behind me. “What is it, what’s wrong?” I asked, my heart racing.
His eyes glittered in the darkness, running over every inch of me. I had pajamas on, but they left little to the imagination. A low groan rumbled in his throat as he scrubbed a hand over his face. “I
had to see you.”
“You did?” Warmth pooled inside me at his words.
“Yeah, you left so quickly. I couldn’t just leave things like that. Besides, I needed to wish you good luck for later.”
I frowned. “You came down here, at one in the mornin’, to wish me good luck?”
His mouth kicked up at one side. “I don’t need a lot of sleep. Hazard of the job. But it wasn’t the only reason I came.” Rafe crowded me against the wall, pressing one hand right next to my head. He leaned in, ghosting his lips over mine. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Rafe, I...”
“Ssh.” His finger moved to my lips, silencing me. “I know what you’re going to say and I know it’s complicated, but who knows where the road might take us? I like you Evangeline Star Walker. I like you a whole lot.”
My head whirled at his words. He sounded so honest.
So real.
But Molly’s words from earlier rang in my head.
“I don’t like that look,” he whispered, brushing his thumb along my jaw. A shiver worked through me, breath catching in my throat.
“You caught that, huh?”
“I did, Starshine.”
“Starshine?” My brow rose. When he didn’t answer, I added, “What would you have done if Molly had answered the door instead of me?”
“It was a chance I was willing to take.”
My breath caught. “What are we doin’, Rafe?” Because though I knew I needed to heed Molly’s warning, this thing between me and Rafe didn’t feel temporary.
“Right now, I’m going to kiss you. Then you’re going to go back to bed and dream of me.”
“Is that—” His mouth came down on mine, stealing the words from my lips and sending my heart into freefall. One of his hands went to my hair, sliding through the strands to give him control over me. Rafe teased me, licking the inside of my mouth, running his tongue over the seam of my lips.
“Rafe,” his name came out a half-moan. But before I could ask for more, he pulled away, touching his head to mine once more.
“We should stop unless we want to give your friend something to really lose her shit over.” He smiled, leaning in to steal another quick kiss. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”