by L A Cotton
And I cry, and try, and I lie, over and over
Because all it takes is a second for everything to change
And I cry, and try, and I lie, over and over
Because all it takes is a second for everything to change
* * *
Adrenaline hummed through body as I stared at the judges, the roar of the crowd barely drowning out the pound of blood between my ears. I’d experienced a lot of medically induced highs in the last year. Fentanyl, oxycodone, hydromorphone you name it, I’d felt it coursing through my bloodstream. But no synthetic drug could ever replace this. The sound of two thousand people applauding you.
Applauding your words. Your music. Your story.
“Phew,” Gabe pretended to dab his eyes. “I’ll think you’ll all agree that hit us right in the feels. Give it up for Miss Evangeline Walker.”
I walked off stage, head held high, and heart on my sleeve. It was the first time I’d performed the song, and in that moment, I knew it was the right decision. My performance had a raw vulnerability that came from singing the lyrics to an audience for the first time. The air had crackled with pain as I’d shared something so personal, so profound and difficult, with them. Inviting every one of them to walk a day in my shoes, even if they didn’t realize it.
My fellow contestants swamped me the second I reached the holding area. “Christ on a cracker, you really raised the stakes with that.” Joelene Proctor, a thirty-something woman out of Brescone, said. “I damn near ruined my shirt.” She made a show of dabbing her heavily made-up eyes.
“You did good, Eva,” Gina added, “Real good.”
Everyone seemed to have something nice to say.
Everyone except Josiah, who stood off to the side, glowering at me as if I’d just ruined his favorite toy.
“There she is.” Molly jostled through the crowd, pulling me into her arms. “I just want you to know, no matter what happens later, you’re the winner in my eyes.” She held me at arm’s length. “That was... I don’t even have any words. No wonder you didn’t want to play it for me before.”
Cheeks burning, I offered everyone a smile, and inched away slowly until Molly and I had some space. “The rush was...” My breath caught. “I can’t explain it. It felt transformational.”
“I’ll say. I almost cried me a river watchin’ you. If you don’t place in the top three, I’ll—”
“Ssh.” I grabbed her hand, aware we still had an audience. “There’s still a long way to go.” Over half the finalists had yet to perform.
“Have you seen Rafe?”
I shook my head. “But Josiah looks pissed.”
“He’s just cryin’ over the fact Hudson put him straight.” When I’d told her about what Hudson had done, Molly had, of course, swooned.
I still didn’t understand what had happened between the two of them earlier. But something told me I was better off not knowing. Besides, if it meant Josiah stayed away from me, I really didn’t care what Hudson had said to him.
Just then, my cell phone vibrated. Molly dug around in her bag and handed it to me. “It’s probably your mom.” She was smirking which seemed odd until I read the message.
* * *
Unknown: You were amazing.
* * *
I gasped softly. Rafe hadn’t asked for my number, and I hadn’t offered it which meant there was only one person...
“Molly,” I gawked at her. “What did you do?”
“Hudson can be very persuasive.” Her eyes twinkled with suggestion.
“But I thought—”
“That I wasn’t done cryin’ over the fact after tomorrow I’ll probably never see him again?” She shrugged. “Life’s too short and Hudson Ryker is too damn good with his tongue.”
“Molly!”
“What?” She grinned. “Like you don’t want to find out how good Rafe’s lip piercin’ feels pressed up against your—”
I clamped my hand down over her mouth, spinning us away from prying eyes and ears. “You’re crazy.”
“And you’re so gettin’ some tonight. Forget what I said before. Forget it all. If you don’t do this, you will regret it. It’s better to have loved and lost a rock star than to never have loved one at all, right?”
“And by loved you mean...”
“Do you really want me to spell it out for you?” A quiet chuckle spilled from her lips. “Regardless of what happens in the final, tonight we make all our dreams come true.”
Molly’s change of heart didn’t really surprise me. My best friend liked to straddle the thin line between responsibility and recklessness. And I had no doubts her plan to make all our dreams come true would be in full effect by the time we hit the party tonight.
Only I was pretty sure her dreams and mine looked very different.
“Well, don’t just stand there,” she leaned over me as I stared at Rafe’s message, “text him back.”
* * *
Me: Thank you.
* * *
“Thank you?” she groaned. “That’s the best you can do? Give me the damn phone.”
“Mol—” Snatching it from me, she began typing. When she was done, she handed it back to me, a sly grin tugging at her mouth.
“Were you listenin’, Mr. Rock Star? I’m starting to think I might have a stalker.” I read her words. “Oh my—” My cell vibrated with an incoming text.
* * *
Unknown: Molly, is that you?
* * *
I exploded with laughter, only laughing harder when I saw Molly’s frown. “Fine,” she grumbled. “Have it your way.”
After saving Rafe’s number, I texted him back.
* * *
Me: Sorry about that. She wanted to help.
* * *
Rafe: Help? With what exactly?
* * *
Me: Honestly? I have no idea. So you heard my performance… does that mean you’re close by?
* * *
Rafe: I’m… around.
* * *
That made me smile. He was so mysterious. An enigma I wanted to crack wide open. Before I could reply, another message came through.
* * *
Rafe: I’ll see you tonight… at the party?
* * *
My heart almost leapt into my throat. “He’s comin’ to the party,” I whispered, typing a quick reply that I looked forward to seeing him later.
“Well, yeah. I figured Hudson would have to make an appearance since it’s in his contract.”
“But…”
“Don’t look so worried.” Molly gave me an easy smile. “Rafe Hunter likes you, Eva. Enjoy it, remember?”
Her change of attitude almost gave me whiplash, but I knew she only wanted to help me embrace the moment.
Even if we were trying to fool ourselves into thinking it wouldn’t hurt when tomorrow rolled around.
“Your mom just texted again.”
“Again?”
Molly smiled. “She’s proud, give her that at least. Want to text her back?” She held out the cell phone, but I shook my head.
“Can you do it?” My hands were trembling too much. “Put somethin’ nice.”
Her fingers flew over the screen and then she said, “All done.” Sliding my cell back into her pocket, Molly reached out and clutched my hand.
“This is it,” she grinned. She was supposed to be out front, sitting alongside the other two thousand people ready to watch the results announcement. But Molly had sweet-talked one of the production assistants into letting her backstage.
“Whatever happens from here on out, just remember you did it. You got up on stage and rocked the hell out of the judges.”
“I think I might puke.” I groaned, pressing a hand to my stomach. “The money would mean so much to them.”
“Your daddy would blow a gasket if he knew you were doin’ all this to pay them back. As if there’s a price on you bein’ healthy.” She scoffed, as if I’d lost my ever-loving mind.
And m
aybe I had.
Maybe all the chemo had burned away my brain cells.
It would explain my out of character behavior of late.
“We need the money, Mol. They need the money.”
“I know, I know. But this was never supposed to be about the money. It was supposed to be about you findin’—”
“I have.” I cut her off. I didn’t want another lecture on how I needed to find myself and start living again. Since meeting Rafe, everything had changed. I was still weighed down by the guilt, but being with Rafe was like being in a bubble. A vacuum separating reality with fantasy. Your problems were still there, waiting for you… they just couldn’t reach you inside the bubble.
But it wasn’t lost on me, the one who made it all go quiet, was the one person I could never truly have.
Not unless I was willing to share him with the entire country.
“They’re callin’ you.” Molly tapped my arm. “Remember, I love you and you got this.”
We hugged quickly, before I grabbed my guitar and joined the remaining contestants as we made our way backstage. We were going to perform one more song, together, before the judges crowned their winners.
“How are you feelin’?” Gina asked me.
“Like havin’ tacos for lunch was a mistake.”
Her laughter eased the tight knot in my stomach. “Just picture them all naked, that’s what I do. Although this year my vision has been pretty tunneled.”
“Let me guess, Black Hearts fan?”
“They’re just so... raw. The lead singer is in a league of his own. I saw them play earlier this year and the whole thing was just...” She let out a heavy sigh.
“Hudson is a closed book though, huh?”
“They’re all the same. A publicist’s worst nightmare.” A smirk tugged at her lips. “That’s half the appeal though. They’re so broken, you can’t help but want to put them back together.”
I wanted to ask what she meant about them being broken, but Colton appeared, barking orders at us like we were children. “It’s showtime people,” he yelled. “Just like we practiced earlier. Gina, Jet, and Mary; followed by Josiah and Davy; with Evangeline, Tiffany, and Joelene rounding out the performance.”
“Good luck,” Gina whispered as she slipped away, making a beeline for Jet and Mary who were already waiting by Colton. Josiah glanced over his shoulder, our eyes connecting for just a second. Contempt flashed in his gaze, but there was no time to decipher his intent because Gabe’s voice rang out loud and clear, and we were being ushered on stage.
“Judges, have you come to a final decision?” Gabe asked, anticipation rippling around the room.
“We have,” Betsy answered. “It wasn’t an easy one, but we’ve made it.”
“Kind of the point of the show, Miss Betsy,” he teased, moving to the judges table to pluck the envelope from her fingers. “Okay, moment of truth…” There was a dramatic pause, kicking my pulse into overdrive. “And the third-place prize of five-thousand dollars goes to… Miss Evangeline Walker.”
Someone nudged my shoulder, and I blinked, straining against the lights.
“Eva, honey, it’s you,” a voice said, “you won.”
“I…” Stumbling forward, I barely managed to make it to Gabe. A production assistant appeared beside him with one of those over-sized checks written out to me for the amount of five-thousand dollars.
I wanted to be ecstatic. To revel in all the things I would do with the money. But the truth was, it wasn’t enough. Five thousand dollars wouldn’t even make a dent in Mom and Dad’s debt.
My stomach twisted as I accepted the cardboard check and posed for the camera alongside Gabe. He asked me some questions, but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t get past how I was so close… and yet, so far away.
Before I knew it, the production assistant ushered me to the side and Gabe launched into announcing the second and first prizes. Josiah looked almost as disappointed as I felt as he was announced the second runner up to Joelene, who took first place. That was a small mercy as I wasn’t sure I would have stomached someone like Josiah winning the contest.
“Congratulations, hon,” Joelene said as we posed together for a winner’s photo. “Young thing like you has a long and successful career ahead of her.”
But this didn’t feel like the beginning, it felt like the end.
Closure on a part of my life I would never truly get back.
I’d done this for Molly, for my parents and our situation. And while I’d loved performing, had found myself completely lost in the music, I couldn’t do this month in month out. I didn’t want to be another Josiah, chasing a dream that would never come true. I wouldn’t stop playing because, if anything, the contest had showed me singing and playing was a part of who I was. But I didn’t want this to be my legacy. Talent shows and third place prize checks.
It didn’t seem enough.
Not for a girl who had outrun Death.
Music was a part of my soul, something I would never give up, but I needed to believe I was here for something more.
Something worthy.
“Third place is amazing, babe. You should be so proud.”
“I am.” The words came out muffled as I slipped the blouse over my head. “It’s just not enough.”
“Eva, I’m telling you, you’re bein’ too hard on yourself. It was your first contest.”
First and last, but I didn’t have the heart to tell Molly that. Not yet.
“To place third in the entire county is somethin’—”
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I don’t. But we needed that money, Mol, and I guess the more I performed, the more I began to believe I could do it. That I could actually win.”
“You could have easily won,” she gave me a pointed look, “but the competition was tough.”
“Josiah placed second.” I frowned back.
“Yeah, well, the guy might be a total asshat off stage but there’s no denyin’ Goldenboy can sing. He’s been workin’ the circuit for years now.”
She wasn’t wrong, and it only made me feel even more bitter.
“Look,” Molly came over to me, “What’s done is done. You can go back home with your head held high. You did somethin’ amazing here. I know you’re disappointed. I know five grand isn’t going to change your life, but it’s about so much more than the money, babe.”
I wanted to believe her, I did. But since being told I was going to make it—that the cancer which should have killed me was in remission—it was like I was wired wrong. Things that should have made sense no longer did.
“Come on, we still have tonight. And whether you want to or not, we are celebratin’.”
“Has Hudson texted you?”
“No. Why has Rafe texted you?” Her brows pinched.
“No.” The knot in my stomach tightened. He’d been so playful earlier, texting me back and forth. But there had been nothing but crickets since they announced the winners.
“I’m sure they’re just busy with post-production stuff. Hudson was moaning about how much Colton was ridin’ him to do publicity and interviews.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.” My smile was tight, but I continued getting ready, applying a light layer of make up to my face. Molly had gone all out for the wrap party; dressed in a killer black dress that hit her knee and cinched at her waist. She looked older than her barely eighteen years. I’d played it safe with a pair of jean shorts and sheer blouse over a black tank top.
“Ready?” she asked.
“As I’ll ever be.” I joined Molly near the door and she grabbed my hand.
“One night, Eva.” Her eyes sparkled with anticipation. “Let’s make the most of it.”
The wrap party was held on the second floor of the hotel, in the Camdena Royal Suite. My first thought as we stepped inside was that we were in the wrong place. It was gaudy and brash and Colton hadn’t been lying when he said there was fried chicken. The smell permeated the air, but no one else seemed
bothered as they drank and chatted and mingled.
“Well, this is... not quite what I had in mind.” Molly glanced down at her dress. “Good thing, I stuck with my boots. Come on, let’s get a drink.”
We weaved our way through the sea of people; some I recognized as production team members. People stopped us to congratulate me. But it was when a thick set man in a flashy suit stopped me, holding out a business card, and said, “Give me a call sometime, I think I can take you to the next level,” the weight of the contest began to truly settle in.
Molly was right. Coming third might not have been enough for me, but for these people it meant something.
“I don’t see them,” Molly said, her eyes scanning the room, disappointment leaking from her.
“Maybe they got held up.” I silently ordered myself not to look for him. Telling myself that Rafe would seek me out if he wanted to, and if he didn’t... well, it would just be another disappointment to add to the weekend.
“Yeah, maybe.” Molly’s expression was crestfallen.
“Hey, now,” I said, “What happened to makin’ our dreams come true tonight?”
Seeing my strong, funny, beautiful best friend so deflated left a sour taste in my mouth. So Molly Steinberg occasionally ran away with herself, daydreaming of rock stars and cute guys who she hoped would sweep her off her feet. It didn’t mean she didn’t have feelings like the rest of us. As my mom liked to say, “the bigger the heart, the more it hurt”. And something told me Hudson Ryker was going to leave a mark she wouldn’t erase anytime soon.
Just like Rafe, a little voice whispered, but I ignored it, focusing on Molly and the party in full swing around us.
“Walker,” Josiah strolled up to us, standing that little bit taller and smugger. “Bad luck today.”