by Gemma Rogers
Overcome with guilt, I told her I’d be fifteen minutes and called a taxi straight away. I pulled on my jeans, fingers fumbling to do up the buttons.
Dan rolled onto his side, his arm propping his head up, naked chest on display. I wanted nothing more than to climb back in beside him. ‘What’s she running away from?’
‘What we’re all running away from,’ I stated, standing up straight and pulling my hair out the back of my top.
‘And what’s that?’ Dan looked at me quizzically.
‘The past.’
Karla was leaning against the front door, smoking a cigarette. She kept setting off Stuart’s security light and I was surprised he hadn’t come out to investigate the disco going on in his front garden.
‘I’m sorry.’ I hurried along the path after paying the driver. At Karla’s feet sat two bulging carrier bags, stuffed to the brim. ‘Got the rest of your stuff then?’ I asked as I slid the key in the door, looking Karla over to make sure she was in one piece.
‘Yeah, John got it together for me, we went out for pizza and had a few drinks.’
I pushed open the door and we headed inside. Noting the time, I went into the bathroom to wash my face and when I came out, Karla was already undressed and in bed.
‘Do you think you can trust John? He won’t tell Leon where you are?’
‘John doesn’t know exactly where I am. No one does,’ she snorted.
‘What about where you work?’
‘Jeez, girl, you are paranoid!’
‘I’m not the one with nine fingers,’ I shot back, and Karla tutted, rolling away from me. I hoped Karla had been smart and not given anything away. Ashley warned that Leon wasn’t to be messed with.
I lay awake thinking about Dan, acutely aware of the ache in my groin. Was I in love? Whatever it was, it was bound to end in disaster. There wasn’t a happily ever after for us here. Not in this town where I could never escape from my past and definitely not with the man whose brother’s body I’d got rid of.
In the morning while I was getting ready, I received a call on my mobile from Mum which made my heart stop. She rang me so scarcely, I immediately panicked, launching across the bed to snatch up my phone and making Karla jump.
‘Mum, are you okay? Where’s Helen?’ I asked breathlessly.
She laughed down the line. ‘I’m fine, Helen’s upstairs. I just wanted to see if you were okay, you haven’t been in touch for a few days.’
I sighed, Mum was checking in. I’d been selfish not to let her know I was okay.
‘Sorry, Mum, yes I’m fine. It’s been a busy week and I’ve got a friend staying with me.’
‘Ashley?’
‘No, not Ash, Mum, I’m seeing her tomorrow though. I’m going to Portsmouth.’
‘That’s great, send her my love, won’t you.’ I heard shuffling in the background and Helen’s voice. ‘Helen wants to talk to you; I’ll see you later.’
I rolled my eyes.
‘Bye, Mum.’ More shuffling.
‘When are you next round, we need to talk.’ That was Helen, no pleasantries required.
‘You do know where I live, don’t you, right next to your boyfriend.’
‘Can you come around after work, I’ll cook dinner.’
‘Sure.’
Helen hung up and Karla eyed me curiously.
‘Families,’ I said with a shrug.
She gave an exaggerated shake of the head. ‘Wouldn’t know.’
58
It played on my mind at work as I folded the towels fresh out of the dryer, the fabric almost nuclear in my hands. What could Helen want to talk about? Was she going to ask me for money? Did Stuart want me to move out and was frightened to tell me? My head whirled with questions. Although I was grateful to have something to take my mind off Karla who’d told me, on the way in to work, she was going to visit Leon tomorrow night and pay her outstanding debt.
‘I’m going to see what he says, play it by ear. I won’t mention moving,’ she’d said.
‘I wouldn’t,’ I’d agreed. Leon didn’t sound like someone who would graciously let Karla leave his empire, especially when it transpired what a good seller she was. Karla had been moving sizeable amounts around the St Helier estate since her release six months ago, which made sense why I’d seen her a couple of times near Mum’s house. I imagined Gilby was one of her best customers.
‘I’m not going to be around, remember, I’ll be at Ashley’s on Saturday night.’
‘It’s fine, John said I can stay there, he’s going to come with me to Leon’s.’
‘He knows him well enough to go with you?’
‘John smokes a lot of weed!’ Karla had laughed as though that was explanation enough.
Natalia sang along to Laura’s radio, quite content. I was oblivious, too wrapped up in my own thoughts for conversation. Dan called round to our station to say hello, he’d bought in a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and everyone was allowed a break to eat before washing their hands.
‘Icing on the bed sheets won’t go down well with the Hilton,’ Dan said.
I hung back as the girls dispersed, queuing to get into the bathroom.
‘That was a lovely gesture,’ I said, reaching up to kiss him on the lips, sticky from the icing.
‘I’m going for boss of the year.’ He winked and licked his lips approvingly before pulling me against him. ‘So, when am I going to see you next? Free tonight?’
‘No, I’ve got to go to Mum’s, Helen’s cooking dinner, and tomorrow I’m visiting an old friend in Portsmouth. I probably won’t see you until next week.’
‘Okay, well give me a call if anything changes. I’m going to check out the rugby club tomorrow morning, see if they’ll have an old man like me,’ Dan said, sticking his non-existent belly out and patting it.
‘I’m more than happy to keep you fit if that’s what you want?’ I said, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and planting a long kiss on his lips.
‘Definitely. Although I might have to count on the rugby this weekend.’
After work, I jumped on the bus home with Karla. The bedsit looked like a bomb had hit it. Karla had pulled all her stuff out of the duffel bag and clothes were strewn over the bed.
‘I’ll tidy up,’ she said, catching the look on my face.
‘I’m going to have a quick shower and go over to Mum’s. You staying in?’ I asked and she nodded, waving her bandaged hand around the room.
‘You won’t recognise it when you get back.’
‘Hmmmmm.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Don’t overdo it,’ I said, gesturing to her hand.
I decided to walk to Mum’s as the sun was shining. The temperature had crept up, making the warehouse muggier than usual, and outside you could get away with a denim jacket or a thick hoody. Despite worrying about Karla and what Helen was going to say, I was in a good mood. Dan and I were back on track, for the time being at least. Plus, I couldn’t wait to see Ashley tomorrow. She’d texted this morning with the time of the train I should catch and let me know she’d be waiting for me at the station.
I heard Helen’s voice before I got to the front door. The sound of clattering pans and obscenities floated through the open kitchen window and for a moment I was transported back to being fifteen again. Walking home from school, having stopped at the bus stop for a sneaky fag. Mum would be in the kitchen, baking scones or biscuits for Ashley and me to feast on.
The atmosphere couldn’t have been more different as I let myself in.
‘Mum, I can’t find the fucking saucepan,’ Helen shouted from the kitchen. I glimpsed Mum wincing through the door to the sitting room.
‘All right, chill out,’ I said, helping Helen search through the cupboards. Eventually I found it in the corner cupboard, being used as a storage for potatoes so old they had stalks.
‘I’m telling you, she’s losing it,’ Helen whispered as I handed her the pan to wash.
‘So, what’s up? Why the summons?’ I asked, dismissing her com
ment about Mum. She loved to overreact.
‘Go and say hello to Mum first.’
I did as I was told, stooping to give Mum a kiss. She sat in her chair, newspaper open on her lap, trying to change the television channel.
‘Here, let me help you. What do you want on, Mum?’ I asked, taking it out of her hand.
‘A Place in the Sun, it’s on Channel Four.’
I put it on and noticed Mum’s hand was shaking more than usual. I clasped it in mine. ‘Are you all right? Had a good week?’
‘No, everything aches this week. Cramps and spasms are getting worse. I’m going to go back to the doctors, see if they can up my medication or something.’ I nodded, searching for the right thing to say but finding myself at a loss. Instead I patted her hand and laid it back on her lap, her bony knees accentuated by the baggy leggings she wore. My mood dipped and an ache stabbed my chest. I was helpless.
‘I’m going for a cigarette, coming?’ Helen poked her head around the door.
‘Sure.’
‘Dinner’s on, Mum. Shepherd’s pie, and I’m doing you some green beans.’
‘Thanks, love.’
I followed Helen out the back and sat on the wall, accepting the cigarette she held out to me and lighting it.
‘I’m moving in with Stuart,’ Helen announced once she’d lit hers, blowing a stream of smoke from her mouth along with the sentence.
‘What? That’s a bit soon, isn’t it?’
‘Jess, my life has been on hold for the past few years. I’ve had to look after Mum, remember.’ The dig didn’t go unnoticed. Helen was about as subtle as a brick.
‘Okay, I’m sorry, again, that I wasn’t around to help.’ I sighed, throwing my hands up in the air.
‘Well, now you are, so I have a suggestion. Move in here.’
‘What?’
‘I’ll move out, you move in. Simple.’
‘I’m not sure,’ I stammered, the rug pulled out from under my feet. Did I want to move back in here? Two months ago, yes, but now I was used to living on my own with only myself to look after. Was that selfish? Yes, it probably was.
I could read Helen like an open book. She was passing the reins to me; she’d done her time as Mum’s soul carer, and I owed her after all. I looked away, no choice but to accept the arrangement. It would mean cheaper living but less freedom.
Helen narrowed her eyes. ‘Brilliant, that’s decided then.’ She flicked her ash and rolled back on her heels.
‘When?’ I asked.
‘This weekend, no reason to delay.’
‘Hang on, I’m in Portsmouth tomorrow.’
‘Well, when you’re back Sunday, you can move your stuff in here. Stuart will run you back and forth, I’m sure.’
‘I have someone staying with me,’ I tried.
‘Does Stuart know? I’m not sure he’d be too happy about that?’ Helen put her cigarette in the plant pot and stood up. ‘Right, come on, dinner is almost ready.’
I hung back, teetering on the step. Annoyed I’d been railroaded but also a sinking guilt because, besides what she thought, I didn’t begrudge Helen happiness even if it was at the expense of my own.
59
Mum was surprised but pleased with the news as Helen announced she would be moving in with Stuart. She used terms like ‘nothing will change’, ‘fantastic support network’ and ‘two daughters to look after you now’. I smiled sweetly and played along, even though my heart was caving in.
What right did I have to complain? My mother needed looking after and I would make sure she had the best possible care. It went without saying. Even if that forfeited nights with Dan and visiting Portsmouth to see Ashley regularly. Family came first and Helen, as much as I hated to admit it, was right. She deserved to make a go of it with Stuart, even if it was all way too soon. It was none of my business, as Helen reminded me.
‘I hope I’ll get to meet that man of yours, Jess,’ Mum said as a wobbly spoonful of Shepherd’s pie made its way from the plate to her mouth.
‘I’m sure he’d love to visit.’ I smiled tightly, trying to ignore Helen, who was fidgeting in her seat.
When we washed up later, Helen told me about the carer, Grace, the buxom Nigerian woman I’d met already, who came in four times a week. She’d recently upped her visits and Mum seemed to like her. Occasionally she would stay and play checkers or gin rummy if she had time.
‘Mum’s very fond of her. Grace doesn’t suffer fools gladly, she’ll put you right if you step out of line.’
‘I don’t need spying on, Helen. I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself and Mum,’ I said, scowling.
‘Ha, we’ll see.’ She was getting off on it, I could tell, so I made my excuses and left, using the long walk home to let it sink in.
I rang Dan as I walked, who tried to make me see the positives. More spare cash, time spent with Mum, the home I grew up in and the potential for boyfriend sleepovers. He slipped the last one in under the radar, but I hadn’t failed to notice the use of the B word. He’d never referred to himself as my boyfriend before. I was glad he couldn’t see me beaming.
‘Thank you. I’m sorry – it’s a lot to take in. I’m further away from you, from work and however I look at it, it feels like I’m going backwards not forwards.’
Dan said he understood. We chatted about my trip to Portsmouth and I could tell he was uneasy about me going. Did he think I was going to hook up with someone else?
‘Just beware those university boys, okay, they’re too damn smart for their own good.’
‘Smart, but no common sense,’ I threw back and he chuckled.
When I got home, Karla had spruced up the bedsit and it smelt of antibacterial wipes and Dettol spray mixed with the vanilla candle that must have been burning for hours. She lay in the middle of my bed, scrolling through her phone, a smug grin on her face.
‘See, I can be clean and tidy.’
‘Thanks, it looks great!’ I didn’t have the energy to go into what happened at Mum’s or tell Karla that pretty much from Sunday she’d be homeless again. I’d forgotten to mention it to Dan when we spoke, so I sent a quick text to see if he’d been in touch with his friend in Middleton-on-Sea. It looked as though Karla might need to leave town sooner than I’d anticipated if she was visiting Leon tomorrow. I worried she’d need a quick escape.
During the train ride to Portsmouth, Ashley bombarded me with photos of clothes and links to bars she was going to take me to, clearly excited at the prospect of my visit. I tried to relax and get into the spirit of our upcoming night out, but I had the world on my shoulders again. I desperately wanted to shake it off and enjoy, for once, being twenty-two. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t push Karla from my mind. I chewed my nails to the quick, apprehensive at the idea of her visiting that monster after what he’d done to her last time. Praying John would keep her safe.
The journey took around two hours, with a change of train at Horsham. I shivered on the platform, even in the bright sunlight and slowly rising temperatures. Anxiety about meeting Ashley’s friends was starting to kick in. What would they think of me? The jailbird, the girl from the estate with a criminal record and dodgy past. Had Ashley told them about me?
I needn’t have worried as Ashley jumped up and down in her leopard-print Converse high tops when she caught a glimpse of me through the window as the train pulled in. Immediately a rush of love exploded as I raced off the train with my backpack and we collided together.
‘Missed you,’ she exclaimed, squeezing me tight.
‘You too!’ I breathed in her perfume, nestled into her shoulder. ‘So, what’s the plan?’ I asked, pulling away.
Ashley hooked her arm through mine as I adjusted my backpack on my shoulder and led me towards the exit. ‘Back to mine to work out clothes, get our glam on, then a few of the gang are coming over for pre-drinks. I thought we were going to head into town, but apparently there’s a massive party down the road. So that’s even better – we can stagger h
ome later.’
Home, as it turned out, was a rented house shared by students near the university. A small mid-terraced three-bedroom with five occupants. Ashley had a double bedroom that she shared with her roommate, Fiona, who was on the same course. Luckily Fiona had gone back to London to visit her parents for the weekend and apparently had given permission for me to use her bed. The house was lived in, plates in the sink, empty bottles of beer and wine lined the counters ready to be taken out for the recycling, but I envied the space, which felt massive compared to my single room.
Ashley’s bedroom walls were covered in artwork. I recognised her swirly pencil strokes and bold primary colours.
‘I still don’t know why you chose science; you could easily have taken art,’ I said, dumping my backpack on the floor.
‘Not great job prospects though for a hopeful artist. Plus, I like the black and white of science. It’s about fact, evidence, not how you might interpret what something is. It either is or it isn’t.’
I shrugged, smiling at Ashley’s enthusiasm. I barely remembered school now, it seemed a lifetime ago.
Throwing open the doors to her wardrobe, Ashley began pulling out dresses and sparkly tops, all more suited to her than me. ‘Don’t panic, I’m not going to give you anything with sequins. I thought this would be good for you, or this?’ she suggested, pulling out a floaty red sheer top with a camisole underneath and a green high-necked, backless top which I much preferred.
‘That one.’ I gestured to the green. It might even go okay with the jeans in my bag.
When Ashley was finished, the only items I wore that were mine were underwear and shoes. She’d tried to get me in heels, but knowing I was going to be drinking, I preferred to keep my trainers on.
‘Very cool.’ Ashley appraised me as she finished her mascara.
The doorbell rang and we went downstairs. Within minutes, the lounge was full as Ashley hurried to introduce me to everyone. Yvonne, Harry, Mia, Philip and another girl I didn’t catch the name of, all toasted my arrival with Prosecco which Ashley pulled from the fridge.