The Feel Good Factor

by Blakely, Lauren

  Derek

  I grab Jodie and wrap my arms around her the second I see her. “So good to see you.”

  “Whoa. You okay, sweetie?”

  I nod, grateful her heart is beating. “Just glad you’re alive.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, but it sounds like you had a bad day.”

  “You can say that again.” I let go and pinch the bridge of my nose, squeezing hard like I can erase the night.

  She glances inside. “Travis, watch the baby. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Yes, Mom!”

  She steps onto the porch and shoots me a serious stare with her dark-brown eyes. “Want to talk about it?”

  I shake my head. “Not really. Just one of those days. Know what I mean?”

  She brushes a hand over my shoulder, understanding completely. “I do. Those days are hard. You do your best, but sometimes it’s not enough.”

  “Yep.”

  “But you keep going. You keep doing. It’s all you can do.”

  “Yeah. You’re right.” I tell her why the shift hit me harder than most. I mention the thirty-six-year-old and how it brought so many unexpected fears to the surface.

  She taps her sternum. “I can’t make any guarantees, but this ticker is in solid shape. And I’m going to do my best to boss you around for a long, long time.”

  I manage a laugh. “You always were a third parent.”

  “And I probably always will be.” She reaches for the door. “Come on in. Have some coffee and eggs. It’ll make your day better.”

  It’s early on Saturday morning, but the crew is already wide awake, crowded around the dining room table, playing a board game that looks nothing like the board games we played as kids—no chutes, ladders, or lands of candy.

  Travis and Molly shout out their rowdy good mornings to me as Travis plays from the floor, entertaining Devon who is strapped into a bouncy chair.

  “What game is that?” I ask Jodie.

  “Imploding Kittens? Exploding Kittens? Kittens with Mittens?” She shrugs, whispering, “Trust me, I tried to get them to play Monopoly.”

  I do my best to ignore the name of the game, because I don’t want to think about Perri. I stop at the table and peruse the cards. “I bet I can beat you guys, and I’ve never even played.”

  “No way! I’m an expert.” Travis puffs out his chest, his dark hair sticking up in all kinds of Saturday-morning angles. I ruffle it as Jodie sweeps up the baby and sets her in a high chair.

  “You can be on my team,” Molly says, patting the chair next to her. “Devon’s on Travis’s team.”

  I drop a kiss to Devon’s cheek, then snag a chair and join the kiddos for a rousing game.

  Travis beats us, and I suspect it’s my fault, since I was all talk. This game barely makes any sense.

  But what does make sense is this. Being here. These kids. Their smiles. Chatting with my sister as she makes eggs. Feeding the baby a waffle. Soon enough, I’ve shucked off the cloak of doom from work, and I remember something I have in the side of my bike.

  I head outside, grab the gift I tucked there the other day, and bring it in.

  “Is it for me?” Molly asks, her big eyes sparkling with enthusiasm when she spies the wrapping paper and bow.

  “Nope. It’s for your little sister.”

  “She probably needs me to help open it though,” Molly suggests.

  “How thoughtful of you.”

  I hand the gift to Molly, and she assists—ahem, does all the work—opening it for the baby, who’s now perched on my sister’s lap on the couch.

  Devon grabs the pink hat and coos, laughing at it. She flaps it up and down like a pom-pom, then Jodie tugs it on Devon’s head.

  “That is the cutest hat I’ve ever seen. I almost wish it were cold out so she could wear it,” Jodie says. “Where did you get it? I want to see if it comes in my size.”

  “Perri made it,” I say on a yawn. “Sorry. Forgot to mention that. I think the coffee is having the opposite effect.”

  Jodie arches a brow. “Perri made it? For Devon?”

  “She did.”

  Molly adjusts the hat on her sister. “Perri makes the best stuff. She’s so fun and so nice, and I like her. Also, I like to draw animals, and I want to go work on a zebra.”

  Jodie lifts her chin. “Molly, why don’t you and Travis go draw on the sidewalk for a few minutes?”

  Uh-oh.

  That means only one thing.

  I’m getting a talking-to from the third parent.

  Once they’re outside, Jodie stares at me expectantly. “What’s going on with you and Perri?”

  Heaving a sigh, I drag a hand through my hair and sink down next to her. “Nothing.”

  “Is that what you want to happen?”

  “No.” I’m dead tired from denial. I’m exhausted from acting, with Hunter, with Jodie, and with Perri, like I’m not wildly in love with the woman I live with.

  “So . . .” Jodie gives me that big-sister look. Wait, it’s definitely the third-parent look.

  “So what?”

  “What are you going to do about the fact that you’re in love with her?”

  Yawning again, I shrug. “What is there to do?”

  She pats my knee. “I could think of about ten things. Especially since I suspect she feels the same.”

  Hope dares to sit up and take notice. “You do?”

  Jodie smiles wisely and pats the wooly pink fluff on Devon’s head. “I sure do.”

  But then I remember Perri’s words in the kitchen—our deal distracted her from work, and she doesn’t have the time or the inclination to explore more. “Look, even if she feels one-tenth of what I do, she’s not interested in relationships.”

  “Hmm.” Jodie eyes the hat on the baby’s head. “Yet she’s interested in knitting hats.”

  “What are you saying, Jodie?” My eyes start to flutter closed. Night shifts are rough.

  “I’m saying why don’t you get some sleep?”

  Seems about right. I’m ready to conk out on the same damn couch that sent me to Perri’s house in the first place.

  “Sure.”

  She nudges me. “I’m going to take the kids to the park. Travis has a nice bed. Go crash in his room.”

  She doesn’t need to tell me twice.

  In less than a minute, I’m drifting to dreamland.

  When my eyes snap open, I’m not sure what time it is, or how long I’ve been asleep.

  But Jodie’s parked on the side of the bed. “Okay, it’s late afternoon. And we’re going to discuss ten things you can do. Are you ready?”

  I rub my eyes. “Guess I better be.”

  36

  Perri

  I twirl in the middle of the ice rink at Yerba Buena Gardens in the heart of the city.

  Okay, it’s not quite an accomplished twirl. But it does the job for an amateur, especially since the three of us did pretend we were Olympians back in the day, so we’ve mastered our pretend skating routine.

  “Do a triple jump!” Arden calls out.

  I peer around, making sure the skating police aren’t looking, and I do a hop, hop, hop, landing each time without falling on my ass.

  Score for me.

  Laughing, I skate over to Arden and Vanessa, and we circle around the rink that’s open year-round, chatting as we go. We catch up on little things and big things, talking about Arden’s engagement to Gabe, about Vanessa’s plans for the bowling alley, then a clever new storyline on Finley’s TV show. We agree we need to head over to Hope Falls soon to see her.

  When we’re done with our hour, we skate off the ice, unlace, and return the rentals. “We’ll be ready to try out for the national team any day now,” I say as we laugh our way out of the rink and into the rare sunshine of a San Francisco summer afternoon.

  Arden thrusts a fist in the air. “We’re going to win the triplet team gold.”

  “Do they have triplet skating now?” Vanessa asks playfully.
/>   “No, but they will when they see how awesome we are,” I add, and we plop down on the nearest bench, where I sigh happily. We had sushi for lunch in Union Square, shopped for dresses for Vanessa on Fillmore Street, and wandered through Chinatown for trinkets before we landed here. I look around, drinking in the familiar sight. “I used to love coming here on weekends in high school with you guys. And then in college too.”

  Arden nods. “Slipping away to the city was always one of my favorite things to do.”

  “Same here,” Vanessa adds.

  I gaze up at the blue sky. “I needed this day.”

  Arden grabs her sunglasses and covers her eyes. “Yes, you did. Maybe we all did.”

  “Let’s do it more often.” But there’s more I need to say. “And I promise, too, that I’ll do a better job being open about things. That I won’t keep everything inside till I’m reduced to a blubbering mess in Pilates.”

  “Pilates has that effect.” Vanessa smiles. “But let’s start with you telling us more about the man you fell in love with, so we can hear all the love secrets you were keeping from us.”

  My jaw drops. “Are you serious? Love secrets?”

  Vanessa nudges an elbow into my side. “Fess up. You said earlier he gave you straightforward advice. Tell us more about what he’s like.”

  My instincts rear up, telling me to shut my mouth, to stuff all my feelings deep inside the trunk in my head. But this time, I ignore them. I have to push past my hard shell. Taking a deep breath, I dive in and share my heart, telling them why I fell for Derek.

  “He is straightforward. He was direct with me from the start. And he has this cocky edge that pairs perfectly with his huge heart. The way he is with his nieces and nephew is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  The corner of Arden’s lips lift. “Is that so?”

  “Yeah. He’s great with them. A total lovebug. But he also really looks out for them and makes sure they’re behaving and treating each other well. And we had fun bowling.”

  “It sure looked like you did.” A smile stretches across Vanessa’s face.

  I lower my voice, like this is the real love secret. “Also, he loves to snuggle.”

  Arden’s eyes widen. “You landed a snuggler?”

  “I didn’t land him. But yes, he loves to snuggle, and he always wanted to spend the night together, and he usually made me breakfast the next day. Oh, that’s another thing. He loves to cook for me.”

  Vanessa’s smile enters another county. “He must really not want to be in a relationship with you.”

  I shoot her a curious look.

  She continues, “Well, he cooks, he snuggles, he talks to you, he takes care of his family. He’s also good in bed, you said?”

  I grin wickedly. “He’s magnificent between the sheets.”

  Arden’s tone goes serious. “It really sounds like he has zero interest in you.”

  Vanessa nods in agreement. “Definitely. A man who’d cook, nuzzle, talk, and fuck like a god definitely has no intentions toward you.”

  A spark of possibility ignites in my bones. Have I been seeing this all wrong? Looking at the prospect of an us through the lens of our ground rules rather than seeing how our ground rules did a Cirque du Soleil–style flip the other way? Still, I’m cautious as I ask, “Are you girls messing with me?”

  Arden pats my hair. “No way. He’s for sure turned off by the possibility of being more than boinking buddies.”

  Vanessa adopts a terrible frown. “He absolutely can’t fathom the thought of doing anything but banging you.”

  I roll my eyes, but inside, I consider their points.

  Derek was awfully wonderful.

  He absolutely behaved like a partner.

  He completely acted like a boyfriend.

  And you know what?

  I do want that after all. I want all of him: roomies, benefits, friends, lovers, and more.

  Sure, there’s a hardened part of my heart—the part I need to lean on to be tough in my job—that wants to blot him out. But the bigger part—the soft, squishy part that loves her friends, that makes hats, that paints faces, that cuddles with Derek—wants to love him madly and deeply.

  I want to love him with my whole heart, in all its various colors.

  And I want him to love me back.

  I don’t know if he does, I don’t know if he will, but I have to try.

  While I lost out on the promotion, there will be other opportunities. The job didn’t pan out, but that’s okay. Things happen in their own time and their own way. But there might never be another man who fulfills me on every single level—heart, mind, and body—like Derek does.

  That’s the chance I can’t let slip away.

  I look at the time on my phone. “I wonder if we can make it to the kissing contest in time.”

  Vanessa and Arden turn into synchronized friends. “Yes, we can,” they say together.

  37

  Derek

  I don’t need ten things. All I need is one thing. A way to Perri. And Jodie gives it to me straight when I wake up that afternoon.

  “The way I see it is this,” she tells me as I swing my feet over the edge of the bed. “You love her. She clearly has feelings for you. The worst that’ll happen if you tell her is that she’ll kick you out.”

  “And then what do I do?”

  “You come back here. You sleep on the couch again until you find another place.”

  I soak in her advice, letting it roll around, considering the implications. Really, when it comes down to it, that’s not the worst. It’s not what I want, but I’ll be able to deal. It’ll be no worse than where we’re at now.

  “It’s that simple?” I say.

  She nods. “It’s that simple. Besides, you’re only trying to protect your heart after it was broken. And guess what? Your heart doesn’t have any protection. There is no armor for it once you’ve let someone in. And she’s in, Derek, isn’t she?”

  I scrub a hand over the back of my neck, noodling on her words. Perri isn’t just in. She’s everywhere—she’s in my bones, she’s in my heart, she’s in my mind. “You’re right.”

  “You have feelings for her. Deep and real and true feelings. You can either deny them or you can give them a chance to breathe and grow. See what happens.”

  Maybe I have been clutching tight to the idea of being uncommitted ever since my last commitment went belly-up, using my single status as a shield from getting hurt again. Because I’d be a liar to say the last time didn’t smart.

  But that’s what happens when you open your heart. You take the chance that you could bleed, and bleed out. As I think back on the last few weeks with Perri, the nights we’ve shared, the times we’ve had, the reality is I’m already all in. I’ve opened my heart to her. The only thing left is to open my mouth and tell her the full truth.

  Let the chips fall where they may.

  “What do I do? Head home and say, ‘Hey Officer Keating, guess what? I’m totally in love with you. Do you want me to move out of the garage and into your bedroom?’”

  Jodie laughs. “Why don’t you try something a little bigger?”

  “Like what?”

  She taps her temple, a sneaky smile stealing across her lips. “If memory serves, the two of you were going to do some kind of kissing contest tonight. Seems like maybe that’s where you ought to be sharing how you feel for this woman.”

  We put our heads together, and we figure out the way to do it. Then, in the middle of our plotting, Perri calls.

  I tense as I answer, hoping to hear something good on the other end of the line.

  38

  Perri

  The blackboard. That’s it. That’s the answer.

  My kitchen has been the nexus of our relationship, from the cooking to the late-night encounters to the blackboard.

  “The thing is, I need to make sure he’ll see the blackboard, and I’m not sure if he’s home,” I say to Vanessa as she drives. “Plus, if he’s ho
me, I’ll have to slip in.”

  Arden waggles her phone. “Hello? It’s called a phone. You use it to call him and tell him to check out the blackboard.”

  “Gee, thanks. I hadn’t thought of calling him.”

  But truth be told, I hadn’t. Derek and I have never been a phone couple. Or a texting one, for that matter. Our connection ignited when I pulled him over, and it sparked and sizzled in person, at the farmers market, in the waffle truck, and then in our home.

  I don’t think we’ve ever once dirty-texted each other. Or flirty-texted each other. We haven’t needed to. But now I desperately need to tell him something, so I dial his number.

  He answers on the first ring. “Hey, you.” His voice, and his almost term of endearment, hooks into me.

  “There’s something in the kitchen for you. Or rather, there’s going to be shortly. Any chance you’ll be home soon?”

  “I can be home in fifteen.”

  I glance at the GPS in Vanessa’s car. “Make it thirty.”

  “Thirty it is.” He sounds hopeful.

  I feel hopeful. “Bye, Derek.”

  Hanging up, I tap my foot against the floor of the car, willing Vanessa to go faster while, of course, obeying the speed limit.

  Soon enough, we arrive at my house. I run to the back door and dart inside while Vanessa keeps watch in the driveway. I grab the chalkboard and leave a message.

  I don’t want to text him my invitation.

  I don’t want to discuss tonight on the phone.

  I want to give him my truth and see if he’ll receive it.

  Grabbing some clothes, I fly out of the house, slide back into Vanessa’s car, and head for her place. I get ready in a flurry, taking a quick shower, pulling on jeans and heels, sliding into a green top, and blow-drying my hair. A little makeup, mascara, and pink gloss complete the look. My heart hammers at rocket speed, and I take several breaths to calm myself.

  But I’m ready. I’m doing this. I’m going to walk into the hotel ballroom and let that man know he’s a thief.