by C J Murphy
Miranda finished her lace and stood, pointing to Noeul’s side. “Is that bothering you?”
Noeul looked where she was pointing and dropped her hand. “Not really. Did you ever feel like there’s something you’ve forgotten and can’t figure out what it is? Or that feeling that…” Noeul didn’t finish the thought. “Shit, forget I said anything. It’s nothing.”
“No, I won’t forget it. Come on, let’s cut our pace a bit so I can actually talk while we run.” Miranda squinted and put her hands on her hips. “And if you tell Kelly I asked to slow down I will personally kick your ass.”
Noeul threw her head back in raucous laughter. With her hand on Miranda’s shoulder, she winked at her friend. “Don’t worry, your stud credentials will still be intact when we roll in. Want me to let you pull ahead so she thinks you ran me into the ground too?”
Miranda shoved her. “My wife’s anything but stupid. She’ll see through that ruse in a microsecond.” They turned and started back to the house. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Noeul was silent for a few moments, as they jogged past a grove of trees. The pine fragrance surrounded them and she breathed it in, as the fallen needles crackled under her running shoes and forced her back to Miranda’s question. “I’m not sure what’s going on. Some days I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I’m so lonely, and I miss Aggie more and more. This was our dream. We were supposed to be running these trails together.”
She had to slow down, as she could no longer see where she was going. Her emotional haze was turning everything into a blurry kaleidoscope. Noeul stopped to wipe at her eyes. Her sobs could no longer be contained. A sharp pain stabbed through her, and she grabbed her side, turning from Miranda’s gaze.
“Noeul,” Miranda wrapped her arms around Noeul from behind, “I know this isn’t how you planned it. You’ve been so strong to even continue this dream at all. You’ve built a life here, a sustainable life. Don’t hate me for what I’m about to ask you. What would you have wanted for Aggie if the situation was reversed?”
Noeul cried harder and the tears fell in hot torrents across her cheeks. Her insides screamed as if they were being shredded, and her heart felt like it was being torn from her chest. She cried out in great sobs of anguish that she couldn’t hold inside. “I would want her to love again.”
Miranda tucked an escaped strand of the long black hair behind Noeul’s ear. “Don’t you think she’d want you to take your own advice?”
Noeul squeezed Miranda’s arms and broke the embrace to walk over to a large cherry tree that stood in the middle of all the pines. Her fingers traveled over the rough bark, and she leaned into its strength. She heard a disembodied whisper from above her.
“Why aren’t you listening, my love?”
The voice was so familiar, Noeul startled as she gazed up and backed away from the tree. She turned to look around then back at Miranda. “Please tell me you heard that.”
Miranda moved closer and touched her forearm. “Noeul, heard what? Are you okay?”
“Miranda, tell me you said that.” Her hands trembled, and her head pounded.
“Noeul, you’re scaring me. Said what?”
“Tell me you asked me why I’m not listening.” Noeul couldn’t focus her eyes. Everything around her started spinning. Her vision closed in, as all light dimmed then faded into blackness.
“Noeul!” Miranda lurched and reached out to catch Noeul as she fell to the ground.
Noeul heard nothing more, as she collapsed onto the soft, pine bed beneath her.
***
Jordan sat with her head resting on her arms. After another bottle of water and the placement of a cool rag on her neck, she was starting to feel like herself. Solanya was busy checking her vitals. “Will I live?”
Solanya pulled the blood pressure cuff from her arm. “I think so. You’re still a little dehydrated. That’s to be expected. I’m prepared to give you an intravenous dose of fluids if you need them.”
“I think I’ll be fine.”
Solanya looked into her eyes. “Do you feel like walking?”
“Depends.” Jordan gave a nervous laugh. “Are we going on a short hike or a day trip? If I have to go more than a few miles, I might need to wait a bit more.” Jordan rubbed the cool rag across her face and shook herself, clearing the last bit of fuzziness from her head.
“It’s not far, just over that knoll,” Kelea said. “Think you can make it?”
Jordan stood, her legs feeling a bit like wet noodles. She shook her head in the affirmative, sure she could travel.
Kelea and Solanya stepped to her side, as they began to walk the short distance. Jordan still felt like she was in an altered state, somewhere between the physical world and one she really didn’t understand. They hadn’t gone more than sixty or seventy yards, when they came upon a large boulder that looked like it had fallen from the top of the canyon wall and come to land at the base of the fissure. Solanya walked to the side and disappeared behind the rock. Kelea stood beside Jordan, supporting her with a warm hand to the small of her back.
When Solanya reappeared, she waved for them to approach. They followed her into a torch-lit opening, barely wide enough for them to enter. Solanya continued to light torches protruding from the cavern walls every fifteen or twenty feet.
“What is this place?” Jordan asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.
“My people used this as a refuge in times of bad weather or danger from our enemies. It is a well-guarded secret passed from generation to generation. We keep dried food stocks and essentials here, and our history is written on these passage walls. She swept her arms wide.
Jordan slowed to examine the pictograms on both sides of her. She was fascinated and wished she had more time to examine the carvings and paintings depicting Native American life. A driving need to follow her own quest pushed her forward.
The end of the long passageway opened up into a large cavern full of stalagmites and stalactites. A small stream of turquoise water dropped into a pool. Jordan’s mouth gaped open, and she spoke in soft reverence, “It’s incredible.”
“Yes, and a very guarded secret. If my mother hadn’t been sure of your integrity, you wouldn’t be here now. I trust you will tell no one about this. If you find the woman you seek, she will know your intentions were true because we brought you here. Remember, she too had a quest.” Solanya led her to a small crack in the rock face. “May you find your next step here.”
Jordan looked at the rocks surrounding her. Layered gradient marks recorded the passage of time. She ran her hand over the stone, feeling the earth’s recorded history under her fingers. She reached into a break in the rock and felt the smooth canister she expected to find. She opened the bottle and gently removed the letter. She’d made a conscious decision to leave Aggie’s remains in their protective shell, not wanting to disturb anything she didn’t have to. Her eyes had finally adjusted to the low light conditions, unfortunately she still couldn’t easily read the letter. She knew she would have no trouble recalling every word and symbol with her photographic mind if she could clearly see them. She walked a few paces to a flickering torch and began to read, murmuring the words that were written for her eyes. They belonged to someone she wanted to find more than anything. She closed her eyes for a moment and started again.
May 2010
My Dearest Aggie,
I know that you must be watching over this journey, because you led me to Solanya and Maiah. I saw you in a vision, diving from the top of the falls into the turquoise waters of Havasu Falls. You were so strong and beautiful. I asked Solanya to help me find a place worthy of your love, a place to leave a small piece of you behind. I think you would be thrilled to know that a part of you will rest in the secret dwelling of an ancient people, among an incredible record of the earth’s formation. I carry you with me on to our next destination, as I live out our dream. I miss you my love, now and forever.
Noeul
Jordan
closed her eyes and murmured, “How do you survive a loss like that?” She returned her focus to the task at hand. Inside the canister, Jordan noticed that there was a second paper with the next clues. She read down through a list that included a John Muir quote she’d never heard, something called the BAFTA award in 1983, along with the name Kit West, and “Blue Harvest.” Further down the clue was the word hexaploid, followed by a series of numbers. After that was what Jordan recognized as a list of musician’s names, the words Alces alces along with the name Rocky, Natasha, and Boris. Finally, something in a language she was able to translate.
Without access to any of her computer equipment or the ability to call to her sister, she would have to wait to do any research until she made it back to Peach Springs. There was a good bit of information to be deciphered from this clue. With her eyes closed, she committed the items to her internal hard drive, replaced them to their resting place, and stood for a moment of silence.
“Seek the highest point.”
A voice Jordan didn’t recognize echoed in her skull, and she turned to look at Solanya and Kelea. “Did you say something?”
The two women looked at each other and turned back to Jordan. Solanya stepped forward and rested her hand on her shoulder. “No, I didn’t. In this sacred space it would not be unusual hear the voice of those who have passed on to be with the Great Spirit. Many come here to seek the guidance of those who can see beyond this world, beyond this time. Whatever the spirit said to you, it will be important in your journey. You must listen to it.”
Jordan felt moved and yet disturbed somehow. The voice had penetrated her skin, like it had settled deep in the very marrow of her being. “I’ll try.”
“You must do more than try. To ignore the spirit is a great disrespect to the gift you’ve been given. Heed the message and follow its guidance. Do not be surprised to hear the voice again, as visiting this place means that you are now connected on a different level, inside your own spirit.” Solanya placed her warm hand on Jordan’s cheek. “You are now a daughter to a Havasu mother, Jordan, and you are welcome back with us at any time.”
Jordan leaned into the touch and said a silent prayer to the spirit that was guiding her. She hoped that it could lead her to her final destination, the place where Noeul Scott had disappeared.
***
Noeul felt cool water running down the back of her neck and shivered. “What?”
Kyo licked her face and hopped around her, whining. Noeul reached out and buried her fingers in the dog’s ruff, pulling Kyo to her.
“For God’s sake, Noeul, you scared the shit out of me.” Miranda continued to pour the water down the back of her neck.
Noeul shook herself and ran a hand around the back of her neck and over her face. “What the hell happened?” She stared deep into Miranda’s eyes that were full of concern and something more—fear. Shaking herself, she tried to pull herself together for the sake of her friend. “I guess I pushed too hard. It’s okay, Kyo. Mommy’s okay.”
“Bullshit, Noeul, we’d already slowed down, and you’re in peak shape compared to me. Honey, before you went down, you asked me if I’d said something, something about not listening.”
The voice came again.
“It wasn’t Miranda. You know who it was.”
Kyo jerked, tilted her head and looked at her. Noeul shut her eyes tightly. “I’m okay, Miranda, I’ve been pushing too hard. Let’s walk back to the house. Kelly will start to get worried, and dinner will be ready by now. I could use a glass of wine or seven.” She smiled and wrapped her arm around Miranda’s shoulders. “Hell, I’ll even tell her you ran me into the ground, and I had to walk most of the way back.”
“You can try peddling that and fool yourself. I want you to consider this, my wife’s bullshit meter is better than mine. You’ll peg it with the way you look.” Miranda grinned at her and smoothed back a few strands of Noeul’s hair that had stuck to her cheek.
Noeul shut her eyes, knowing Miranda was right. “Ok, how about we tell her the truth and hope for the best.”
“Winner, winner, chicken dinner.” Miranda winked at her and helped her up.
They walked back to the house, where Kelly was waiting at the door for them. “I was about to come looking for you two. I was…” She stopped and quickly walked to Noeul’s side. “What happened? What’s wrong?” She placed her arm around Noeul’s waist and helped her into the house. “Sit your ass down right there and tell me what’s going on.”
Noeul looked up into Kelly’s eyes, not exactly sure what to say. She was grateful for her friends and their concern. She took a deep breath, as Kelly knelt before her and Miranda went to get her a glass of water. Kyo lay beside her, head resting on her thigh. She took the glass from Miranda and used the few seconds it took to consume the water as a chance to organize her thoughts. “I honestly don’t know how to even begin to tell you what’s going on. Miranda’s shoe came untied, and we were talking. She asked me why I wasn’t trying to find someone to share my life with and what I would have wanted for Aggie if the roles had been reversed.” She shuddered, hearing the voice in her head again. “I think Aggie spoke to me while we were out there.”
Miranda touched her on the shoulder. “Is that why you asked me if I’d said something? Something about not listening?”
Noeul started to cry again, the sobs racking her body as Miranda slipped an arm around her and held her.
Kelly got up and found some tissues for her. “Noeul, are you sure it was Aggie’s voice?”
Noeul angrily stood up and moved to the windows, hugging her sides and wiping briskly at the hot tears. “I was with her for eight years. I think I would remember her voice.” Her own grew thin and quiet. “Thirty years from now, I’ll still remember that voice.”
Kelly walked up beside her. “I’m sorry. It’s hard to wrap my head around it. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I’ve never spoken to anyone who’s passed to the other side.”
“Trust me, I haven’t either. I have no doubt it was her. I think she’s trying to tell me to move on.” Noeul shook her head quickly trying to dispel the lingering tendrils of sorrow. “I don’t know how to do that.”
Kelly drew her into her arms and let her cry until the pain became a dull ache.
***
The next morning, Noeul stared out the glass windows as the sky began to lighten. Everyone was still in bed. Kyo was next to her, drifting in and out, paws twitching in small fits of movement. Noeul ran her fingers through the soft fur and stroked the velvet ears without thought, drawing comfort from the repetitive motion. On her lap lay the journal she was filling with her current thoughts and some of her fondest memories.
This morning, when I woke, the knowledge there were other human beings in the house felt strange. Yet I thirst for the interaction and conversation Miranda and Kelly provide. The one thing I truly need is something they can’t give me. I miss the feeling of a solid body beside me at night, cleaving tightly to my back, encircling me in strong arms. I miss sleeping with my cheek against warm flesh, the sound of a muffled heartbeat in my ear, and soft breath in my hair. I long for the sight of naked skin, lightly misted with perspiration and hovering above me. I ache for the passionate feeling of being desirable and the smell of arousal filling the room as I’m touched.
My Aggie was always such an attentive lover, only rushing when we’d been teasing each other in ways only longtime lovers would understand. I can remember how Aggie would close her eyes and shudder, when I’d slide my hand discretely into her lap as we dined with friends. I would play my fingers along the seam of her jeans, lightly brushing her center, bringing her so close to release before I’d pull away. When we’d get home, Aggie would barely be able to make it inside before she’d back me against the door and strip me out of my jeans. She’d lift me to her waist and kiss me like she was possessed. On nights like that, we could never make it farther than the steps to our second floor, before Aggie would slide between my legs and bring m
e to climax over and over before cradling me in her arms and carrying me to our bed.
Writing the words down made Noeul miss those moments with her wife more and more. She could feel herself get wet merely thinking about Aggie making love to her. She ruthlessly brought her body to heel, slamming her journal shut and shoving the memories back into the box she held deep within herself.
The grandfather clock struck seven bells, and she went to the kitchen, knowing her friends would soon be awake. She looked around the gourmet kitchen and pulled the cast iron skillets from the hanger above the stove. She lifted the eggs from the refrigerator and grabbed a green pepper, an onion, and a block of sharp cheddar cheese. Sipping her coffee while she prepared the omelet, she was transferring the bacon out of the other skillet when she heard a bedroom door open. As Noeul placed the bacon onto a paper-towel-covered plate, she forced a smile at a bedheaded Kelly shuffling toward her.
With a sleepy yawn, Kelly came around the bar with a quick hug for Noeul. She poured her own cup of the dark, hazelnut roast before adding a small amount of goat’s milk. Noeul watched, as she parked herself on a high barstool and took a deep inhalation over the steaming cup.
“God, you make good coffee.” Kelly stole a piece of bacon before Noeul could smack her hand.
“Yes, I do. Coffee is one of those things I spare no expense on. It’s one of the few things I can’t grow or raise myself. I’m damn sure not going to get it out of a red plastic container if I don’t have to.”
Kelly laughed. “Yeah well, when you come to my place, don’t look in the cabinet.”
They both turned to see Miranda squinting at them from one eye, before she stole Kelly’s coffee cup and drank deeply. “Shit that’s almost orgasmic. Don’t suppose you still have my favorite mug in those cupboards, do you?”
“Yes, dear, your sippy cup is still here.” Noeul walked over to the cabinet and pulled out the large black travel mug with the X Files logo and the words, “The truth is out there,” printed on the surface.