“You’re in love with someone you shouldn’t be,” Raiya repeated back to me. She took another sip of coffee. “Gwen?”
“No.” I shrugged. “Not Gwen. I’m in love with someone else.”
“Then why are you dating Gwen?” Raiya asked.
I frowned a bit at her judgmental tone, but I decided it was a natural consequence of confiding in a woman. “Gwen told me that she was in love with me.”
Raiya pushed back her bangs a bit. Her emotions shifted from wary to empathetic, I noticed. I hadn’t even needed to use my power to see it.
I’d started to realize, over the past few months and weeks, that Raiya wore a mask of sorts; it was a cover, a fabrication, one she held in place when she interacted with other people. It wasn’t like she was hiding something, it was more like she was slowly revealing who she was. And the more I interacted with her, the more I caught glimpses of her true self behind it, and the more I liked her and wanted to know more.
As I sat there looking at her, I realized that she had seen me so many times, in my more vulnerable forms. I was suddenly getting to see what that was like.
I had never noticed so many things about her. I never noticed how she had a small dimple on her left cheek when she smirked. How delicate and strong her hands were. How her eyes never quite seemed to come out from behind her hair, which never seemed to be bound without objection.
Realization floored me as I realized I’d never noticed what color they were, in all the time I’d known her. I narrowed my gaze, and before she jerked her eyes away, I thought I saw glimpses of an interesting blue.
“What?” she finally asked. Hesitation had crept into her voice.
“Nothing,” I wheezed out.
She cleared her throat. “So, then, tell me why.”
“Why what?”
“Why are you in love with your someone else?” Raiya asked. She grinned as she added, “And why Rachel doesn’t know.”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s silly,” Raiya objected. “There must be something.”
“Is it?” I asked. “Can we really know another person so completely that we know they’re meant for us?”
“I don’t believe in being ‘meant for someone.’”
“Really?” I frowned. “Even after living with Rachel and her ‘one true love’ stuff?”
Raiya blushed over a bit. “Love is something people naturally want,” she said. “I think getting to choose your soul mate is more . . . supernatural.” Her eyes lifted to mine. “I love the idea that you can have such a powerful say in your destiny.”
“Maybe it’s both.” I smiled. “I can see a weird combination of both.”
“I’ll concede to that,” Raiya agreed. “So why do you love your someone else?”
“She’s someone I can forgive.”
I don’t recall if I had really planned that answer or not, but it was there.
“What do you mean?” Raiya asked, obviously confused.
“You know me pretty well,” I said. “You know I don’t have an easy time forgiving people.”
“Yeah, your ego’s pretty delicate.” She smirked at me, and I knew she was teasing me as much as telling the truth.
“I just found out that I could forgive her, and it was more important to forgive her than it was for me to be angry at her.” I shrugged. “I think that’s pretty big.”
“So that’s your requirements for love?” Raiya asked.
“Of course there are more things that go into it,” I said. “But that was a new level for me.”
“So you’d forgive her for lying to you?”
“I have.”
“And hurting you?”
“It took a while at first, but I did.”
“What about tricking you?”
I frowned. “Is there a reason for these questions? Cause they’re getting annoying.”
“Sorry.” She rolled her eyes, and we said nothing for a long moment.
“I don’t think forgiving her is just it,” I said for good measure. “Maybe it’s more. More like, she makes me believe in miracles.”
Silence again. Finally, Raiya spoke up again. “So, tell me about Gwen.”
“What do you mean?”
Her eyebrows arched. “Tell me what you’re going to do about Gwen if you’re in love with someone else.”
“Oh.” I shrugged, trying to shake off the feeling of uneasiness. “Well, I don’t know if it’ll work out with the other girl.”
“And it will work out with Gwen?”
“No, but Gwen’s just, you know.”
“Tell me. Use your own words.”
“Gwen’s just a really nice person. She’s smart, and pretty, and kind, and loves . . . stuff like fun and kids and people.” When Raiya didn’t say anything, I sighed. “I just don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
“So you’re dating her, but you don’t love her, because you don’t want to hurt her feelings?” Raiya shook her head and then slumped over.
When I realized she was laughing, I snapped. “Hey! It’s not funny.”
Raiya breathed in deeply. “It’s just ironic. Sorry.” She smothered down another round of giggles before asking, “Have you told your someone else how you feel?”
“She knows how I feel.”
“So you did tell her?” Raiya leaned forward. “You told her, specifically, that you love her, and you want to be with her?”
“I guess not. At least not in those exact words.”
“The words matter.”
“But I did tell her it was up to her and that it was important.” I was fully expecting Raiya to laugh again. But she had a thoughtful look on her face when I peeked up at her.
“Ultimately,” she murmured, “you still have to choose.”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Made some bad choices, bad decisions, you know.”
“You just can’t live with some decisions,” she said quietly.
I frowned a bit at her tone, but she was right. It was as though she was confirming my thoughts.
“Hamilton . . . ”
I ignored her as I thought about it. Was it possible that Aleia had been right before? That both Starry Knight and I would find our relationship more precious in rebuilding it, especially because it had been broken?
“I guess you’re right. I don’t think I ever said the words,” I said, catching her eyes with mine. “Next time I see her, I’ll be more clear about it, I promise.”
Raiya snorted into her cup. “You don’t have to promise me anything,” she snarled.
Where had that come from? “Whoa. No need to be a bear about it,” I said. I guessed our time for friendly conversation had passed, and it was back to arguing about things. “Besides, you’re the one who asked.”
“Asking for information is not the same thing,” she insisted. She stood up. “Excuse me. I have to go.”
“Oh? Why—”
She hurried off before I could stop her. I grumbled to myself as she left. I hoped she wasn’t going to repeat anything I told her over the Internet. I’ll admit to deserving some scorn for Gwen’s troubles, I thought, but I definitely didn’t need the Internet hounding me and trying to shame me.
“‘In the room the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo,’” Grandpa Odd recited, as he came up behind me.
I sighed. “Hey, Gramps,” I said. “How are you today?”
“‘Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time, for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse,’” he continued, ignoring me.
“I don’t really care,” I told him. “Just get to the point, please.”
“‘I have measured my life out in coffee spoons,’” Grandpa enunciated, pulling up a show.
“Okay, enough,” I said. “I’m leaving.”
And before he could herald me or block my path, I ducked around him. Grandpa Odd had an odd way of making me feel uncomfortable, and I didn’t like it. And I espec
ially didn’t need it, after Raiya had made me feel a bit uncomfortable as well.
I felt even more uncomfortable as I walked straight into Gwen and Mikey.
☼
13 ☼
More Pain
Thank goodness I don’t have to work tonight.
At the sight of Gwen’s stricken face, that was all I could really think. I knew it sounded bad, but at least I was willing to put in the time to smooth things over.
And make sure Adam would have a babysitter by the time the whole thing was finished.
“Gwen—”
She shook her head and hurried out the door.
It was only when I saw her back turned to me that I really thought about what she would be thinking about. All the walks in Shoreside Park, the times sitting together at Rachel’s, the sweet pecks on the cheek, or the quick goodbye kisses. She might’ve been thinking about her sweet sixteen, or even my seventeenth birthday party that she’d organized for me with Mikey’s help. Maybe one of our group dates at Jason’s, or Poncey’s, or the times we went to the track meets or hung out at the movies with Mikey and Simon and Drew, and the rest of our agreed-upon friends.
It was possible she was thinking of other moments, too, but those were the only ones I could think of that she really would miss.
The others—where I was dashing around behind her back, trying to save the city or a person’s soul, or even the times I was daydreaming about Starry Knight, either by accident or intention, instead of listening to her—I didn’t think she would remember as much. Of course, she didn’t know some of them, so there was that, too.
My thought trail was demolished as Mikey stepped in front of her, blocking my path. “Don’t follow her,” he said. “Give her time. She heard it all.” He glanced up at me. “We heard it all.”
I sighed. “I figured that much out from the expression on her face.”
Mikey just looked at me. He was obviously upset for Gwen—and I could understand why, as they were good friends—but he also seemed to be confused about something.
I waited for it. I waited for him to tell me I was a backstabber or two-faced or anything that made me sound particularly vile. Anything that was fitting for the “friend” who had teased and mocked him mercilessly over the last several months for having a crush on Starry Knight, while falling in love with her himself.
“So . . . you and Raiya, huh?” he finally asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He sneered at me. “Come on, Dinger, we just heard you. You’re in love with Raiya?”
“Uh . . . ” Relief and all its glorious temporality flooded through me.
“I have to admit, Gwen and I thought there might be something between you and her. But I told her it was unlikely,” he continued on, making me feel even more like an idiot. “I mean, you really seemed to hate Raiya for a long time, but I guess that was because you didn’t like that you liked her?”
Someone come and save me. Where was Elysian when I needed him? And what about the Prince? I’d even take Grandpa Odd’s second wind at this point.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I finally said.
Mikey frowned at me, like I’d given him a plate of dog drool and rotting shoestrings, called it spaghetti, and expected him to eat it.
Well, I was more or less lying to him by not admitting the truth. At that point, I might as well have been feeding him mental garbage.
Mental garbage. A great metaphor for lies.
“Okay,” he finally agreed, though it was clear he wasn’t happy about it.
Rachel, fortunately, saved me. She bustled over to us and greeted us warmly. “Hamilon, Mikey. Come over here and try one of my new desserts.”
“Trying to make us buy something?” I asked.
She grinned. “You’ll still buy something even if I admit to it, right?”
“You know me pretty well,” I agreed, grateful for the distraction. At that moment she could’ve asked me to buy out the store and I would’ve, for her good, convenient timing. “I’ll have my usual,” I said promptly. “Raiya already gave me the mocha, but I’d like the sandwich, too.”
“You didn’t order any food before Raiya left?”
“No.” I shrugged.
“I suppose I should buy stuff, too,” Mikey said. “I owe you a couple of a hundred apologies, Rachel.”
“For what?” she asked, surprised as I was by his news.
“My dad’s apparently been flirting with you some,” he explained. “Grandpa told me about it.” He jerked his thumb over at Grandpa Odd, who was circling the room, talking to various customers.
“Oh. Well, that’s alright,” Rachel assured him. She winked. “It happens with other customers more than you think. I’ve learned to handle it well.”
Mikey nodded, but ordered a sandwich anyway, while Rachel handed each of us a chocolate cinnamon roll.
“So,” Mikey said, “I’ve been thinking about this whole dad situation, you know, about how he’s some kind of superspy planning on taking over the world or something.”
“SWORD’s not out to take over the world,” I said. “It’s more after controlling and monitoring everything that goes on in said world.”
“That doesn’t sound that much different.”
“It is from a philosophical and political standpoint,” I said. It wasn’t often I got to argue the virtues of a fake police-state. “They control everything, but rather than be elected or have their power to do so controlled by the population, they fabricate a cover where they can go unnoticed by the population. That way, other parties are blamed for the undesirable results.”
“Like how your mother tried to get the city judiciary committee to convict Wingdinger and Starry Knight?” Mikey asked.
“Exactly.”
“Well, okay, I’ll take that into consideration next time I explain it to someone,” Mikey assured me in a sarcastic tone.
I knew he wasn’t going to be patient with me if he could help it. Especially after the whole Gwen thing.
“Anyway, I thought maybe I’d actually take him up on his offer and meet with him.”
“He offered to meet with you?” I didn’t know if it was shock or outrage that made me slam my fist on the table. “He has some nerve.”
“Calm down,” Mikey said. “I didn’t tell him yes or no. I didn’t even really talk to him when he was on the phone. My mom doesn’t want me to, either. But after I found out about him and everything, I thought he might be able to help us.”
“I don’t want you to cozy on up to the father who abandoned you during your childhood just so you can help me,” I snapped.
“Dinger, come on. I might be able to get insight into SWORD and where it’s located and stuff like that.”
There was an answering rumple from my backpack. I looked to see a small lizard clinging to the inside of a half-zipped compartment of my book bag. “If you want to really find that out, I might be able to help you,” Elysian said.
“Elysian, what are you doing here?” I hissed.
“Relax. I just snuck in.” He sniffed the air longingly. “Can I have a bite?” he asked, pointing to the half-eaten cinnamon roll on my plate.
“I’ve lost my appetite now that you’re here,” I grumbled, swiping the treat off the plate toward him less than gracefully.
“I thought maybe you’d like to know what Aleia and I have been up to,” he said. “We’ve been keeping tabs on Dante, for one.”
“You know where my dad is?” Mikey asked.
“At present, he’s at the Apollo City Time Tower,” Elysian said. “He looks like he’s some sort of visitor, but I thought you might like to try and confront him.”
“Why?” I asked. “He said he was on our side. Or at least, the side that was keeping me safe. And SWORD’s been doing a good job of keeping things cleaned up lately.”
“The media is one thing.” Elysian sniffed. “Sinisters are another. Now that Maia’s been captured, there are only three left. We
need to find out what they did to Taygetay. She’ll likely be the easiest to seal away if they’ve got her caught up somewhere.”
“That’s true,” I agreed. “We still need to think about capturing the Sinisters.”
“You didn’t forget about that already, did you?” He moaned.
“No, of course not.” I gritted my teeth together in irritation. “I’ve just had several distractions in the last couple of hours, that’s all.”
“Once the Sinisters are gone, do you think SWORD will leave?” Mikey asked.
After a moment of thought, I shrugged. “Probably. But who can say for sure?”
“My dad.”
“Well, we’ll need to go ask him.”
“Let’s go then.” Mikey grabbed his bag and started gathering up his things.
“Are you insane?” I asked. “You’ve never really talked to him. You’re not even supposed to know that he’s part of SWORD.”
“So?” Mikey ignored me. “I’ll just go then, alright? I’ll go and talk to him and see what I can find out. See what he knows.” He pointed to Elysian. “He can go with me, if you’re so worried about it.”
Mikey must’ve finally picked up on some of my arguing skills, I thought. Because it did sound like it was a good plan.
“Alright,” I agreed, still unhappy about it. “There’s nothing I can do to stop you, I guess. Just . . . be careful, okay? Dante’s not the kind of guy I would trust.”
“Duh.” Mikey rolled his eyes. “I know that good enough myself, Dinger. You don’t trust the guy who left you and your mother.”
“Sorry.” I sighed. “Just trying to look out for you.”
“I know.” Mikey shook his head. “I don’t need it.”
You wish you didn’t need it. I picked up Elysian and tossed him onto Mikey’s backpack. “Come back here and get me when you’re done talking to him.”
“Got it, boss,” Elysian said. He gave me a nice mock salute as Mikey headed out.
I beamed despite myself. I liked the new title of “boss.” Elysian always managed to make me forget if I completely respected him or not, but my own accomplishments were something I had a hard time disagreeing with.
Remembering (The Starlight Chronicles Book 4) Page 10