I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and promised myself that I would only be in there for half an hour. Then I advanced on the brightly lit front porch. Several Lawry Hill students had already flocked there to smoke, and huddled together, puffing away. I only recognized a handful of faces. “Hey, Nell,” someone called to me.
“Hey,” I called back, readying my aloof smile. I slid through the crowd and entered the Ballinger lake house.
It was too large to ever appear packed, and Michelle’s friends, although not necessarily elitist, were certainly exclusive by their own standards, meaning that only several clusters of party-goers stood inside, drinking and murmuring to one another. I targeted a group of girls with whom I had once shared a cheerleading troop, and was on the verge of approaching them when Michelle interrupted from behind.
“Nell!” Michelle called down. “Nell, I want to see you. Hold on. Don’t go anywhere.” She ducked away from an interior balcony, hurried along a corridor of side steps and then came out directly behind me. She wore a layered maroon sweater with a white collared shirt, a navy blue pleated skirt, and thick gray tights. She looked, of course, adorable. Her hair wore its usual sloppy, proud style. “What took you guys so long—” She frowned and made a show of scanning the room. Somehow, I was sure she would’ve been able to see Theon entering the room from a pair of eyes in the back of her head. “Where’s Theon? Did he decide not to come?”
“He couldn’t make it. A… business… thing.”
Two of Michelle’s latest best friends—Erin and Shanice—approached with their drinks in hand: for Shanice, creamy apple cider with a stick of cinnamon, and for Erin, hot chocolate and a crust of melted marshmallows. Shanice was a willowy Caribbean with a sculpted afro and electric-blue lipstick, while Erin was a petite brunette with a cap of glossy hair, a leopard-print cardigan, and black leather pants.
Shanice smirked and took a sip from her cider. “Mm. Shell got us all excited about meeting this hot new man. No show, huh, Nell?”
Erin winked. “Happens to the best of us, girlfriend.”
“He wasn’t a no-show. He had a business thing. A conference call. He couldn’t get out of it.” Augh. Why couldn’t I lie? You would expect for the child of a corporate lawyer and a business mogul to be one of the most proficient liars on the planet.
“A business thing on Christmas Eve?” Michelle whispered to me. Shanice and Erin glanced at each other. “Are you sure that’s the story you want to go with?”
I felt my cheeks flame. Damn this translucent Irish skin. “It’s the truth. It happened at the last minute. He wanted to come.”
“But this just had to be the same night that Theon was supposed to take that deposit to the bank, and it never made it there,” Shanice chimed in gleefully.
“Now he’s stuck on the phone with corporate, trying to figure out if they can legally fire him if he hasn’t had his third strike yet,” Erin added with a grin. “Am I right, Nell?”
“You should use that detail,” Michelle insisted. “It makes the story sound much better.”
“Um, Theon is real,” I informed them. “You met him yesterday. Where are the drinks?”
Michelle guided our path, and Shanice and Erin swooped in, looping their arms through mine and pulling me along the hall, toward the kitchen.
“I think somebody was just trying to put Andrew in his place.” Erin giggled.
“You should know that whatever is going on with me and Andrew is totally relaxed, Nell,” Michelle called to me sweetly from over her shoulder. “So if you want to strike things up with him while you’re in town, I’m, like, ninety percent he’d be down.”
“I’ll pass,” I replied, deadpan. “Like you saw yesterday… I met someone else.”
Michelle turned on her heel and smirked at me. “Right.”
“Let me just grab one of these drinks,” I said, scanning the selection and plucking a Styrofoam cup of fresh hot cocoa from the counter. “You know what? I think I will say hi to Andrew, and just let him know that there’s no hard feelings.” Smiling and nodding toward the three of them—Theon was right, we do have a harpy infestation—I turned and sipped at my cocoa, exiting the kitchen.
I was sure Andrew was around here somewhere—probably sledding, skiing, or playing billiards—but I’d been lying. I wasn’t going to say anything to anyone. I was going to get the hell out of here, and quit trying to shoehorn myself into a social stratum where I just didn’t belong.
Chapter 17: Nell
When I first arrived home, I thought that the whole house was dark and I was the only one still awake, even though it wasn’t even nine o’clock yet. But as I ascended the wooden garage steps, I heard the sound of mournful soul vibrating through the house. I let myself in through the garage door. A lone candle burned steadily on the dining room table. A silhouette lounged nearby, and I knew it was Dad from the body language as much as from the actual cut of the shadow.
“Hey, Dad,” I whispered into the darkness. “Decided to come home early. Party was lame.”
“Sorry to hear that, sugar,” he whispered back.
“What are you doing sitting in the dark?”
“Just thinking. Billie Holiday helps clear my head.” He sighed heavily. “Zada went to go pick Sage up from his dad’s earlier today. She should’ve been home a long time ago. But she’s still out, and she didn’t answer any of my calls—so I don’t know. Maybe it won’t work out again. I don’t know.”
I smiled sadly and took a step toward the dining room table. “Mind if I sit with you?” I asked. “We seem to be traveling along parallel lines tonight.”
At this, Dad gestured to the nearest chair and I took it. He scooted his drink across the table next. I lifted it to my nose and gave it a sniff in the darkness: eggnog. I tipped it toward him in a mock toast. “Merry Christmas Eve.”
“It’s supposed to snow tonight . . . I don’t know when,” he replied. “I guess climate change has really begun; they say this is the coldest winter Maine has seen in over a hundred . . .” He glanced up at my blank eyes and smiled. “Sorry. Anyway, so, what happened at the party? Would this have anything to do with the friend who couldn’t make it?”
I grimaced. “Yeah—I don’t know—kind of,” I spluttered, uncertain where to begin describing whatever the hell Theon was to me. “I met this guy, and I really like him.” It was the first time I’d allowed myself to use the words. “And he just stood me up.” To my horror, tears developed. In the light of the candle, I was sure he could see them sparkling. “I’ve never been stood up before.”
“Ah, yeah. It does hurt. I guess I’m being stood up tonight, too.” He pulled in a deep breath and let it out slow. “The important thing to remember is that these things happen, kiddo. People hurt other people. Sometimes it’s not your dad who does all the hurting… sometimes he gets hurt too.”
I pursed my lips at his throwback to our earlier conversation about love and commitment.
“You’re just growing up. You’ll see. It gets—well, it gets much worse.” He smiled without much humor. “I can make this eggnog alcoholic, if you want.”
I laughed. “No, thanks,” I said. “Something tells me booze would make this feeling worse.”
Dad sighed. “That’s true, too. I don’t really know what makes it better, other than time.”
“How about a present? You want to see what I got you for Christmas? I think you’ll like it.”
Dad feigned shock. “Could anything beat last year’s set of towels?”
I glared at him and dug my wallet out of my jacket pocket. I hadn’t put them into a card or anything yet. I slid the tickets from the wallet and extended them to him.
Dad examined the paper in the meager candlelight. “Oh, wow, baby,” he whispered. His eyes tipped to mine. “I can’t believe you remember. I can’t wait to go.”
I smiled at him. “Great.”
“It’s funny how things come full circle,” he commented, flicking the movie ticket back a
nd forth between his fingers. “Here we are, over ten years later, going to the same movie. Here I am, floundering my way through another doomed coupling, Zada off spending Christmas Eve with her ex. And here you are, finally realizing that the same fruit which seemed so sweet only yesterday can go sour while you blink.”
My eyebrows lowered. “It’s hardly comparable. Theon and I aren’t married. I don’t even know why he couldn’t make it tonight. Maybe something happened. I still don’t have my phone; he has no way to reach me.”
“You can tell yourself whatever you need to maintain your faith. I know it’s important to you to think that I’m an extraordinarily bad person, and most people don’t treat each other so selfishly in relationships. Like I said, Nell. You’re growing up. It won’t be long before you realize.”
I wanted to be sympathetic; it was possible that he was just lashing out, still aching over Zada’s possible betrayal, but I couldn’t stand the way he was speaking about relationships. Because he was talking about me. He was talking about Theon. “If everyone ends up trampling each other and abandoning what they’ve built, then why would I ever bother?” I hissed, coming to a stand. “Mom had the right idea about men. Just swear off them.”
With that, I whirled and marched through the darkened beach house, winding my way up the stairs and onto the second floor. There was a glass door up there which opened onto a widow’s walk, so that the lover of a sailor could observe the ships on the coast, watching for her beloved on the horizon. It felt somehow appropriate.
Chapter 18: Nell
As I stepped out onto the widow’s walk, frigid December air sank its barbs into my flesh. I settled on one of the two patio chairs which had been placed on either side of a small glass table. Rather than staring down at the beach below—and perhaps subconsciously begging Theon to manifest—I angled my gaze to the sky. Beggar’s Hole was no metropolis, and the beaches here were private. There was no glare of city lights to bleach the sky. An entire universe of stars splayed out above me, and down its center was painted the hazy stripe of the Milky Way. I wound my arms tighter around myself and exhaled. Everything’s going to be okay, I promised myself. That’s something Dad always forgets to tell you.
A snowflake landed on my nose and melted. Another pelted my cheek and dissolved.
Unlike Dad, I yearned for this: a sense of tranquility, even stability—not the turmoil of passion, not the excitement of conflict. If I couldn’t find such solace in romance, then I would find it elsewhere.
Maybe he was right. Maybe relationships were a blood sport, and I was better off holding my head above the fray.
Even as I had the thought, a tear crested the bottom of my eyelid and spilled. Another budded in its place. It would be lonely. No one ever said it wouldn’t be lonely from time to time, but—
A flutter across the waning moon caught my eye, and I started up from the patio furniture, rushing to the ledge and gripping the frosty iron railing. I forgot my tears, forgot Dad, and forgot about Theon standing me up.
It looked like a bird—but a massive bird. It couldn’t possibly be an eagle. I tracked it across the sky with my eyes narrowed in concentration.
A sudden shudder traveled along the widow’s walk, in conjunction with a thump.
I turned and gaped.
It was Theon.
He wore stiff, woolen pants of a caramel shade, and a thick white turtleneck, with the same blue suede moccasins from yesterday. His hair was more wild than usual, and his amber eyes were bright and intense. He had a long, thin scrape down the left side of his cheek, and his lip was swollen and busted.
“Hey,” I breathed, striding to him as a magnet moved to its counterpart. I reached out to touch his wound, but then hesitated. I didn’t know if we were like that. “Hey, are you okay? What happened?” And why didn’t you come through the front door like a normal person?
“It’s nothing.” Theon dismissed the marks with a shake of his tousled curls. “You look like a queen.” He reached out to touch my cheek, wiping away the icy tear I had forgotten was there. “I hope that wasn’t for me.”
“I just—I don’t know, Theon,” I told him, feeling stupid now. “I guess it was, maybe, in a way. I mean—men stay for a little bit, and then they go. They want to touch your hair, even save your life… but then they don’t talk about anything, they have secrets, nothing they say makes sense, and I have no idea who you are, to be totally honest. You could be anybody, so if you disappeared tomorrow—”
“I won’t,” he said softly, taking both my arms in his hands. My pulse quickened.
“What happened to you tonight?”
Theon shook his head wordlessly.
“More secrets,” I muttered.
One of his hands moved to cup my cheek and he leaned closer. “I’ll show you everything,” he said. “Just give me a little time.”
“I don’t want this to be like everything else,” I whispered up to him.
But Theon smiled. “Be careful what you wish for,” he whispered back, snaking his hand into my hair and pulling me into his arms. His fingers clenched and he tilted my face up toward his. I had only a second to catch my breath before his lips descended onto mine, and a wave of fire rocked through my body such as I had never felt before. His mouth seemed to both soften and harden for me at once. My body bowed in his embrace, and my hands found their way into his hair. I was on fire. He’d lifted me clear off the ground.
Theon’s free hand crept up inside my jacket and raked its nails down my back, inciting a moan to come out of my throat. My body quivered against his. How was I so feverish in these swirling motes of snow?
Chapter 19: Nell
“Theon,” I gasped, sliding my own hands into his sweater and up along his back. His muscles were perfectly sculpted.
Before I reached his shoulders, Theon gripped my hands and pulled them back out of his sweater. “Wait,” he breathed. “It’s too soon for all this.”
I coughed out a misty laugh. “What are you trying to do to me?”
“Let’s—” Theon squeezed his eyes shut, concentrating hard on where, exactly, his train of thought was trying to take him. “Let’s have a formal evening together first.” He cleared his throat and nodded. “I think that would make me feel more comfortable.”
“Tonight was supposed to be that evening.”
“I know; it’s complicated. When the stakes are high… it is smart to move slowly, isn’t it?”
I had to nod. He was right.
“When will you be free again?”
I sighed. How could I have found a man even more old-fashioned than I was? “I’m free again on the twenty-seventh.”
“Perfect,” Theon breathed. “I will show you my home. Things will begin to clarify.”
I guess that is a step in the right direction. Maybe I can get your phone number? For when I do have a phone again?
His eyes shifted over my shoulder, toward the sky, and I turned to look with him. I’d forgotten all about the strange bird—and now there were two of them. Might it have been a pair of condors? But then what were they doing in Maine?
“I must go,” Theon said, snapping me back.
“But you just got here. Do you really have to go?”
Theon smiled, but my eye was again drawn to the slash on his cheek. “I do,” he said. “I’ll be back at sunset on the twenty-seventh. If I am not… I give you full permission to never consider me again.”
The thought was an alien one, but I got what he was saying. He’d be there, or he’d be square. “All right,” I said. Theon turned, and I followed, intending to show him through the house and out the front door. But he leapt easily onto the roof. I gasped as he strode over the slope of shingles. “You can go out the front door, you know!” I called to him.
“I’m fine, thank you. Good night, Nell.” With that, he disappeared down the other side of the roof, leaving me staring after him with a frown.
As much as I wanted him, I had to confess that I understood
his trepidation. He was just so, so weird—and that was him holding back. How much weirder would it get on our date?
At the realization that, yes, we did have a date, I whirled back to the railing of the widow’s walk and grinned into the sky like an idiot. He’d asked me! I hadn’t asked him; he’d asked me! And the kiss…
My eyelashes fluttered closed and my entire body relaxed at the memory. The intense heat throbbing off of his body… the way his rigid muscles cupped me so tightly, making me feel simultaneously powerless and safe… I opened my eyes again and smiled.
The smile faded as I focused on the gigantic birds in the distance.
There were four of them now, and they swooped and dove over the water. They might have been fishing, but I couldn’t be sure. I’d never seen birds of such size. I’d thought they only existed in warmer climates. But birds like that? I crept backward and let myself into the beach house, latching the door behind me. Birds like that could easily prey on humans.
Chapter 20: Nell
Maybe I was dizzy in the haze of a budding romance, but this Christmas turned into the best Christmas ever. Zada ended up snowed in halfway between Boston and Beggar’s Hole, and wouldn’t be able to return until the twenty-seventh. Perfect. It was just me and Dad, and we put the past aside and came to the mutual decision to enjoy ourselves, not berate each other. I even got him to admit that maybe his complications involved the women he chose and weren’t standard procedure for every relationship.
“Maybe,” he’d added, shoveling a forkful of steaming green beans into his mouth.
After Ratatouille, I decided to open up to him about Theon. I could only open up a little bit, of course, because I hardly knew anything about him. I described what I did know: that he was an honorable man. That he spoke with perfect English. That he wore handmade moccasins and had the deepest eyes I’d ever seen, like swirling, softly glowing oceans of honey. You could die happily there.
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