by Anna Albo
I slammed shut my book and looked at him even though the eye contact was painful. “No, it wasn’t you. Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve dealt with worse assholes than you.”
“Then it was your boyfriend.” He stated it more than asked it.
“Why is it your business? Let me guess, you want to be the first to broadcast all my problems? Does everyone around here need the latest gossip?”
Ben set down his drink. “I don’t gossip,” he said. “Here’s the thing. I heard you had some serious shit go down last year, that it happened outside the club. People talk. It’s human nature. People may have dropped that your boyfriend is Senator Walker’s son. At first that’s why I thought Marc wanted to make you a co-instructor with me. Some ass-kissing, but now I know he gave you the job based on merit. That’s how I know your story. When you were upset yesterday, I assumed that maybe your old trouble found you again, or that you had a fight with your boyfriend. If it was old trouble, I wanted to make sure you were okay. Truth be told, I made sure that when you left you got on your bus safely. Sorry if that creeps you out.”
I was all prepared to storm out, but then stupid Ben launched into his speech and proved he wasn’t the biggest asshole ever born. “You did that?”
“See? I’m not evil at all.”
“Well, I’m fine. And you don’t have to watch out for me.”
“So it’s the boyfriend.”
“Would you stop already?” I actually smiled. He was relentless but trying to keep the mood light at the same time. “It’s none of your business.”
“I made you smile, so my work here is done. I get that I’m not the first person you’d ever want to talk to, but if you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me. And if it is your boyfriend, whatever he did, he’s an idiot.”
He grabbed his drink and stopped. “Did you know I’m doing an evaluation with his sister this weekend?”
That caught me off guard. “No, I had no idea.”
“If you want me to, I’ll cancel.”
“I don’t care about her taking a class with you.”
Except that I did. What was going on? I wasn’t about to let on to Ben that I found it highly suspicious.
“Okay, good. See you later.”
I packed up my books and made my way to the bus stop. I didn’t want to go home, but I couldn’t keep running away forever. The entire bus ride I dreaded the thought of seeing Zach. We couldn’t continue this for weeks and weeks, but I still didn’t know what to do. In the meantime, I had another week of classes then two exams before the winter break. I had two long weeks. And I also had to wonder what Genie was up to.
I put my key in the lock and opened the door. The apartment was dark and empty. I took advantage of the solitude to make myself a quick dinner. I was doing dishes when Genie came home. She joined me in the kitchen.
“I want you to know that I’m minding my own business.”
I put down the dish I was cleaning and turned to face her. I didn’t believe her for a second. She and Zach were too close for Genie to stay out of it. “Are you?”
Her brown eyes, the same as Zach’s, opened wide. “Excuse me?”
“You have an assessment planned with Ben, the guy I work with at the club. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”
“I’ve been planning to do it for a while. And I just got set up with him. There’s nothing nefarious going on. And it would be weird if I got my classes with you. Besides, I need to brush up so I kick your butts next summer.”
I didn’t smile. I didn’t think it was cute because I was certain she was full of it. Whatever her end game was, I didn’t want to deal with it. “Fine, whatever,” I muttered.
An awkward silence followed with Genie shuffling her feet a few times. “I know that because I’m Zach’s sister, I’m probably the last person you want to talk to, but I’m here for you if you need me.”
“Okay.”
She left, likely sensing I didn’t want to talk further.
I retreated to my room and studied for my upcoming exams. I heard Zach come home and before long he was knocking on the door. I opened it and he was standing there, tentative-looking. I hated how much I wanted to hug him.
“I have some things I want to get if you don’t mind.”
He spoke to me like I was a stranger. What did I expect? There was so much tension between us and I had him scrambling, not because I wanted to. The problem was that I didn’t know what to do anymore. I stepped aside and he grabbed some clothes and a few things from the washroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and waited. A part of me didn’t want him to leave, but the other part of me didn’t want him to stay. When he was finished, he sat next to me, keeping a careful distance. He was breathing a little heavy. Nerves? His things were sitting on his lap, his hands beneath them. Were they trembling like mine?
“Emma, are you breaking up with me?”
“No . . . I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to push my luck, but know that I love you like crazy. And I’m not going to keep bugging you, but if you’re going to break up with me, do it now.”
“I don’t want to break up with you, but I’m not sure what I want right now. I have so many things going through my head, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m not that same guy in the video.”
I massaged my temples. “I knew you had a reputation before I met you, and I could have asked you a million times what crap you got yourself mixed up with, but I didn’t because it was your past and I didn’t want to pass judgment. But when it’s all there to see, it messes things up. It changes things.”
“I know.”
“I can’t imagine wanting to be a part of something so much that I’d put myself in that position, and I mean both you and Bianca.”
He sighed. “I thought that I’d be a shoo-in at that frat. That I wouldn’t have to be initiated, but I wasn’t so lucky. Everyone in high school knew who I was, I was school president, a star athlete and the most popular guy around. It should have been easy, but being the son of a senator turned out to be a disadvantage. My frat was a rude awakening. I had to prove myself and so I did whatever it took, and the video is by far the worst thing I’ve ever been a part of. But to be fair, Bianca was in the same position. She wanted everything too and being the star of that video was the price she paid. If I could change things, I would have never done it.”
“You could have stopped it.”
“Yes, I could have, but all those other guys were older than me and belonged to the frat. I was the new kid. There was no way I could have stopped it and even if I had, they would have made my life hell. Maybe Bianca’s too. There’s a reason I took the video, Emma. I didn’t want to be in it.”
“But you were. Just because she didn’t give you a blowjob, doesn’t mean you’re innocent.”
He winced. The truth hurt. “I know.”
“Did you even care about Bianca?”
“I didn’t think about her. And I know that’s a shitty answer, but it’s an honest one.”
“Would your attitude be different if I was in the video?”
“You would have never put yourself in that situation.”
“Do you even realize how much she hated that whole experience?”
“Other than the night I took the video, I’ve never looked at it. When you watched it was the first time I’d ever seen it from beginning to end. Do I think she didn’t like it? Yes, I think she hated it. At the time I didn’t give it any thought.”
I listened and it didn’t matter what he said, my head was a still a jumble of thoughts. “I think we need a bit of a break from each other. I’m not saying I want to break up with you.” My voice quivered as I spoke, but I had to get it out. “Once I finish my exams, I’m going home for Christmas. I think the time apart will clear my head. We can figure things out in the new year.”
“Why do I have a feeling that I’m going to get some random text from you while you’re gone telling me we’re
done.”
“I would never do that to you.”
“I don’t want us to be apart. This was supposed to be our first Christmas together.”
“It has to be that way. I may change my mind, but that’s how I feel right now.”
“My gut is telling me you’re going to move out.”
“Zach, I need a break from this. That doesn’t mean I’m leaving.” I looked at him for the first time since he’d sat next to me. His chocolate brown eyes looked so sad. “I love you, but I’m not sure I can get past this. But to be fair, this is your apartment, so I’ll give you your room back.”
“I’m not sleeping in here without you,” he said defiantly. It was the first sign of fight in him.
“Zach, come on,” I said quietly.
“Then you keep the room. I can’t have you on the sofa. I couldn’t live with that.”
“It’s not right.”
“It is,” he said, patting my hand. He stood up and left. I watched him go, feeling my heart break even more.
LIKE I’D ASKED, ZACH kept his distance. He and Genie were still asleep when I left for school. I sat on the bus, staring at my phone and pulled up the email from before from Meredith. I decided to reply.
To: Meredith Irvine
From: Emma Andrews
December 1st, 2015
Hello Meredith,
I apologize for taking so long to reply.
Yes, let’s meet. How about for coffee? There’s a great place on 14th Avenue called The Beanery. I’m free Saturday morning.
Let me know.
Emma
By the time I’d gotten to school she’d already replied. I’d see my mother Saturday.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Zach
I had to get out of the apartment. I called Brett and he met me for drinks Friday night. We picked a pub because I couldn’t stand the idea of a crowded bar. I wanted to sit, eat a little food, drink and forget about my shitty life.
I’d drained my first beer by the time Brett showed up. I had a booth and he took the seat across from me.
“We winning?”
“I haven’t been watching,” I said, and motioned for the server to come over. I ordered another beer and Brett did the same.
“They’ve been pretty good so far, but it’s still early days. And the division they’re in? Brutal!”
I nodded and absently played with the peanut bowl. Brett took off his jacket and set it off to the side. He then leaned over the table and stared hard at me.
“What the fuck is wrong?”
I massaged my temples and groaned. “She wanted to see the video.”
“Do not tell me you showed it to her.”
“I panicked. Zach Walker fucking panicked. I didn’t know what to do. She had me on the spot, she caught me off guard and the next thing I knew, I was going to get it.”
Brett’s blue eyes bugged out. “Fuck, no!”
“I’m going to lose her.”
The server returned with our beers. We both stopped talking and ordered burgers. I’d barely eaten the last few days and was famished.
“She’ll forgive you.” Brett paused. “What was on the tape?”
I looked at him, wondering if it was genuine curiosity or something more sinister like something he’d gossip about later. I could tell by his earnest expression that it was the former.
“It was like all the other ones those guys took. She was giving a bunch of guys head. I took the video.”
Brett squinted his eyes in confusion. “Why’d you keep it?”
“I don’t know. Cuz I’m a fucking idiot.”
“I never understood why those guys took videos of that shit. I refused to be part of it, but they still let me in.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Because you had to do other shit. There’s always a price to pay.”
He nodded in acknowledgement, but his price had nothing to do with videos and girls. “I’m not trying to piss you off, but I’m surprised you let that shit go down.”
I took a huge gulp of beer. “Here’s the thing: if I didn’t do it, I wasn’t getting in the frat. Can you imagine the humiliation I would have faced had I not gotten in? And those guys wanted to fuck around with Bianca and she wouldn’t do it. I was the bait.”
Brett’s blue eyes stared at me hard. “So tell me, was it worth it?”
It was hard looking away from him. The guy who was usually an idiot when it came to girls, and life in general, had suddenly said something smart—smarter than anything I could’ve come up with.
“No. If I could do things differently, I’d change a lot.”
Brett laughed. “No, you wouldn’t. The only thing you’d change was that you’d destroy the evidence.”
He was probably right.
“Now what?” I asked.
“Gifts? Chicks dig gifts. Jewelry? A nice necklace? Some bling?”
Okay, the brief moment of intelligence had passed. “I’m past gifts.”
“First, give her some time. Chicks need time to think. They like to do a lot of thinking. Maybe too much. In the meantime, make sure she knows what she’s missing. Walk around without your shirt on.”
My face crunched up and my mouth fell open. “What?”
“Make her miss what you got.”
I sighed. I’d get better advice from a fortune cookie. “Any other ideas?”
“Flowers. Roses. Like dozens of them. Put them everywhere. And fancy chocolates.”
“Any other cliché you can come up with? You’re actually lifting my mood.”
Brett scowled. “I’m giving you solid ideas.”
“Right, okay. I think my plan for now is to leave her alone.”
Brett drank his beer. “Good plan. It’s not like she’s going anywhere. The chick digs you.”
I huffed at that. “She digs me so much that she’s going home for the holidays.”
“Right, to the middle of nowhere. You worried she’s going to meet some guy in the middle of a forest? In winter? You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
I finished my second beer and when the server showed up with our food, I ordered another. I poured ketchup on my fries and decided to bring up Morrow again.
“I’m worried about that guy at her tennis club.”
“Why? The guy is a loser.”
I had to smile at that. Brett didn’t even know him. “But now they are working together, more closely than ever. I can’t help but think this is the perfect time for him to swoop in.”
“I hear you, but no way! She loves you. Why are you being so stupid?”
“Because she’s mad.”
Brett shook his head. “I know, but she’s isn’t like other chicks. She’s like those animals that mate for life. Pigeons? Penguins? Porcupines? Whatever.”
I tilted my head and pondered that one. “I get what you’re saying, or I think I do, but I’ve never seen her so disgusted.”
Brett motioned for me to move in closer to him. “Listen to me, and listen hard. She loves you. She isn’t going to dump you. Stop worrying. You’re acting like a total girl. Like I said, walk around showing off the abs and she’ll be all over you in no time.”
We finished our burgers and our stupid conversation was making me feel a little better. We sat back and watched the game and I felt a little hope, as naïve as that was.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Emma
Saturday morning was awkward. The three of us milled around the apartment trying not to get in each other’s way. I brimmed with nervous energy. All morning long I wanted to tell Zach about my meeting with Meredith, but I stopped myself every time. I missed talking to him, telling him everything, but I couldn’t do it.
I left first. All through the short bus ride to the coffee shop, I tapped my foot to the point of getting a look from the man sitting next to me. To satisfy him, I pulled out a book and tried to read it, but kept reading the same paragraph over and over again. What I was about to do was huge. Usually I delibera
ted weeks and months over big decisions, but agreeing to meet Meredith was spur of the moment and something I hoped I wouldn’t regret.
I got there early by design. I wanted to be in there when she walked in. She would have to come to me. I still had no idea what I was going to say to her or how I’d feel when I saw her. I ordered a decaf and a chocolate chip cookie. I hadn’t eaten breakfast, more from nerves than anything else. I took my coffee and cookie and sat in a window booth so that I’d see her walk up. What if she stood me up? If she did, I’d consider her dead. No excuses.
She told me she’d be wearing a red coat, something easy to spot. I didn’t have recent pictures of her other than the few she’d sent to Dad. I could have asked her for one, but didn’t want her to think I was too curious about her. I suppose I could have checked her out on social media, but I didn’t want to see the happy life she was leading with her husband and my two little brothers. That life hadn’t included me, and the hurt would be too much to bear right now. My memories of her from her wedding, when I was twelve years old, had faded to the point of only remembering a white dress. Dad had said on many occasions that I looked like her, but she could have changed. He hadn’t seen her in years.
I was staring out the window when a grey sedan pulled up. A woman stepped out wearing a wool red coat. I leaned back so she couldn’t see me. She grabbed her purse and, before walking to the entrance, she took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She gave a slight nod, like she needed to convince herself too that this was the right thing to do, and headed for the door. Like me, she was tallish, easily five foot seven or eight, but she definitely had more curves. Clearly, I’d gotten my athleticism from Dad. He was the star high school athlete.
Meredith came inside and didn’t look around. First, she ordered a drink, then, while she waited, she perused the shop. I waited a second before giving a half wave. She saw me and smiled. The barista handed her her tea, the label of the teabag hanging outside her cup. Meredith walked towards me and my heart beat so fast I thought I might pass out. My head filled with a nervous energy and I regrouped. I couldn’t show her any weakness.