by Abbi Glines
“Damn. I’m probably butchering this to shit. I just wanted to talk to you and make sure you knew that Rush… he needs you. He’s sorry. And I don’t think he’s ever going to move on from you. If he tries to talk about it tomorrow at least hear him out.”
“I’ve forgiven him, Grant. I just can’t forget. What we were or what we were headed toward is over. It will never be again. I can’t let it. My heart won’t allow me to. But I’ll always listen to him. I care about him.”
Grant let out a weary sigh. “I guess that’s better than nothing.”
It was all I had to offer.
Rush
Blaire came walking out of Bethy’s apartment holding two cups of coffee before I could get out of the car. I opened my door and stepped out of the Range Rover. Her hair was loose and hanging down her back. I loved it like that. The shorts she had on barely covered up her legs and were going to make it hard to concentrate once she was sitting in my car. They would ride up her thighs. I tore my eyes off her legs and met her steady gaze. She was forcing a small smile.
“I brought you some coffee since you got out of bed so early for me. I know early isn’t your thing.” Her voice was unsure and soft as she spoke. It was going to be my mission to change that on this road trip. I wanted her comfortable with me again.
“Thank you,” I replied with a smile I hoped eased her nerves as I opened the passenger side door for her. I’d been unable to sleepsince three this morning. I was anxious. I was pretty sure I had gone through two pots of coffee since then. I wasn’t about to tell her that though. She’d brought me coffee. A real smile tugged on my lips as I closed her door and headed back to my side.
She was holding her cup up close to her mouth taking small sips when I glanced over at her. “If you want music, I promised it was all yours,” I reminded her. She didn’t move but a smile lifted the corners of her lips.
“Thanks. Trust me, I remember. I’m okay right now. You can listen to something if you want to. I need to wake up first.”
I didn’t care about the radio. I just wanted to talk to her. What we talked about wasn’t important. Talking to her was all I cared about.
“So, what’s the plan? Does Cain know we’re coming to get your things?” I asked.
She shifted in her seat and I forced myself to keep my eyes on the road and not her legs. “No. I wanted to explain to him and his grandmother, Granny Q, about this. I also need to convince him to sell my truck for me and send me the money. It won’t make it back out here again. It’s in bad shape.”
Her truck was old. The idea that she wouldn’t be riding around in it was a relief. However, I wasn’t crazy about her not having a vehicle. How the hell I was supposed to fix that I didn’t know. She would never take a car from me. Maybe her truck could be fixed and made safe.
“I could take it in and have it checked out while you’re packing up. Could be it just needs a couple things done to it.”
She sighed. “Thanks but don’t bother. Cain already took it in and had it checked. He had them fix it up so I could get around town but he said it was a temporary fix. It needs more work than I can afford.”
I gripped the steering wheel tighter. The idea that Cain had been taking care of her drove me insane. I hated that he’d been the one to have her truck checked out. That it was his family that helped her when she needed it most. Mine had fucked her life up. I wasn’t there for her to call when she needed help.
“So are you and Cain...?” What the hell was I asking? Were they what? Fuck. I didn’t want to hear this.
“We are friends, Rush. We have been all our life. My feelings about him haven’t changed.”
I eased my grip on the steering wheel and ran one of my sweaty palms on my jeans. Damn, she drove me crazy. If I was going to ease her back into being comfortable with me I needed to calm down. That was going to start with me not beating the shit outta Cain when I saw him.
Before I could say anything else Blaire leaned forward and turned on the radio. She found a country station on my satellite radio and then leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. I had pried too much. She was politely asking me to shut up. I could take the hint.
Thirty minutes of silence passed before my phone rang. Nan’s name appeared on the screen in my dash. Damn iPhone was programmed to my car. Normally that came in handy and made things hands free. But having Blaire see Nan’s name wasn’t cool. I hadn’t wanted a reminder. My plan was to make this day reminder free. I clicked ignore and the radio started playing again.
I didn’t look over at Blaire but I felt her eyes on me. It was real hard not to meet her gaze.
“You could have talked to her. She’s your sister,” Blaire said so softly I almost missed it over the music.
“She is. But she represents things I don’t want you thinking about today.”
Blaire didn’t stop looking at me. It was taking all my strength to keep this casual. Jerking the car over and grabbing her face and telling her how important she was and how much I loved her wasn’t what she needed right now.
“I’m better, Rush. I’ve had time to take everything in. Deal with it. I’ll see Nan at the club. I’m prepared for that. You’re helping me today. You could be doing anything else but you chose to take the day to help me. I don’t want to keep you from taking phone calls from people you care about. I won’t break.”
Fuck. So much for keeping this casual and easy. I pulled over onto the side of the road and slammed the Rover into park. I kept my hands to myself but I gave my full attention to Blaire. “I chose to take you today because there is nothing I’d rather do than be near you. I’m driving you because I’m a desperate man who will take whatever the hell he can get when it comes to you.” I broke down and reached over to run my thumb over her cheekbone then into the silky hair I’d been fascinated with since I’d first laid eyes on her. “I will do anything. Anything, Blaire, just to be near you. I can’t think about anything else. I can’t focus on anything. So never think you’re inconveniencing me. You need me, I’m there.” I stopped. I sounded pathetic even to my own ears. Dropping my hand from her head I shifted the Rover into gear and pulled back onto the road.
Blaire didn’t say anything. I didn’t blame her. I’d sounded like a crazy man. She was probably scared of me now. Hell, I would be.
Blaire
My heart was beating so hard I was sure he could hear it. This had been a bad idea. Being near him was so confusing. It was easy to forget who he was. Having him touch me, even if it was just my face, made me feel like crying. I wanted more than that. I missed him. Everything about him and I’d be lying if the idea of being this close to him all day hadn’t kept me up most of the night.
Rush turned the radio back up when I didn’t say anything. I should say something after that but what? How did I respond to that without just causing us both more pain? Telling him I missed him and I wanted him wouldn’t make this easier. It would just be harder.
This time when the phone rang the computer looking screen in his car flashed the name “Grant.” Rush pressed some button and then picked up his cell phone.
“Hey,” he said into the phone. I chanced a glance over at him since his focus was no longer on me. The hard frown lines in his face made me sad. I didn’t want them there.
“Yeah. We’re on our way,” he replied into the phone. “Don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll call you when I’m back.” His jaw clenched and I knew whatever Grant was saying was making him mad. “I said no,” he growled and ended the call before tossing it into his cup holder.
“You okay?” I asked before I could think that through.
He jerked his head over to look at me. It was as if he was startled that I was talking to him. “Uh, yeah. I’m fine,” he replied in a much calmer tone then turned his eyes back on the road.
I waited a few minutes then decided to say something about what he’d said to me. If I didn’t start talking about this with him we would always have this awkward silence between us.
Even if I left in four months and never saw him again… No, I’d see him again. I would have to, wouldn’t I? Could I really never tell him about this baby? I pushed that back. I hadn’t even been to the doctor yet. I’d cross that bridge when we got to it. Even if I had thrown up again this morning when I’d opened the trash compactor and gotten a whiff of the left over fried fish Jace had tossed last night. I wasn’t normally so sensitive. The hot ginger tea I’d been drinking when Rush picked me up had helped ease my stomach. I could pretend like that pregnancy test was wrong or face the truth.
“About what you said. I, uh, I don’t really know how to respond to that. I mean, I know how I feel and how I wish things were different but they aren’t. I want us to… I want us to find a way to be friends… maybe. I don’t know. That sounds so lame. After everything,” I stopped because my attempt at talking to him about this was sounding like a rambling mess. How could we be friends? That had been how all this started and here I was in love with and pregnant by a man I could not build a future with.
“I’ll be whatever you allow me to be, Blaire. Just don’t shut me out again. Please.”
I nodded. Okay. I’d give this friends thing time. Then… then I would tell him about the baby. He was either going to run like hell or want to be a part of our baby’s life. Either way I needed time to prepare. Because I would not let my child have anything to do with his family, ever. It was out of the question. I hated liars… but I was about to become one for awhile. This time it was me that had a secret to keep.
“Okay,” I replied but didn’t say more. My eyes were growing heavy and the lack of sleep from last night and the fact I couldn’t drink caffeine to wake me up was getting to me. I closed my eyes.
“Easy, sweet Blaire. Your head is falling over and you’re gonna have one helluva cramp in your neck. I’m just laying your seat back.” A deep warm whisper tickled my ear and I shivered. I turned toward it but I was still so sleepy I couldn’t wake up completely. Something soft brushed my lips then I fell back into my dreams.
“You need to wake up, sleepyhead. I’m here but I have no idea where to go,” Rush’s voice accompanied by his hand gently squeezing my arm woke me. I rubbed my eyes and opened them. I was laying back. I looked over at Rush and he smiled.
“I couldn’t let you jack up your neck. Besides, you were sleeping so hard I wanted you to be comfortable.” He unbuckled and reached across me to fiddle with a button on the side of my seat. It slowly eased back up and I could see the one traffic light in Sumit, Alabama in front of me.
“I’m so sorry. I slept the whole way. That had to be a boring ride.”
“I got to control the radio so it wasn’t a bust,” Rush replied with a smirk and then looked back at the traffic light. “Where do I go from here?”
“Straight until you see the large wooden sign that is painted red and says “Fresh Produce and Firewood for Sale” and then take a left. It’ll be the third house on the right but it’s about a mile and a half down that road. The road will turn into gravel after about a quarter mile.”
Rush followed my directions and we didn’t say much. I was still waking up and my stomach was feeling queasy. I hadn’t eaten yet and I knew that was the problem. I had saltine crackers in my purse that Bethy had given me but popping one of those in my mouth in front of Rush was a bad idea. Saltines were a major giveaway.
By the time we pulled into Granny Q’s driveway I had broken into a cold sweat. I was going to be sick if I didn’t eat something. I opened the door to get out before Rush could see my face. I was probably green or pale at the very least.
“You want me to go with you or is it best if I stay here?” he asked.
“Oh, um… maybe you should stay here,” I replied. Cain’s truck was here so that meant he probably was too. I didn’t want Rush and Cain getting into any more fights. I also didn’t trust Cain to keep his mouth shut about the pregnancy tests. I closed the car door and headed for the house.
Cain opened the screen door and stepped outside before I even made it to the bottom step. His face was a mixture of worry and anger. “Why’s he here? He brought you home, now he can leave,” Cain snarled, looking past me toward Rush. Yeah, it was a real good idea for Rush to stay in the car. My stomach rolled and I fought back the nausea.
“Because he’s giving me a ride back. Calm down, Cain. You have no fight with him. You’re my friend. He’s my friend. Let’s you and I take this inside. I need to get my things.”
Cain stepped back and let me pass him then he followed me inside letting the screen slam shut behind him.
“What do you mean you’re going back with him? That test come back positive? You running back to him now even though he broke your heart so bad you came here three weeks ago a mess? I’ll take care of you Blaire. You know that.”
I held up my hands to stop him. “This isn’t about me being pregnant, Cain. He is a friend who gave me a ride. Yes, we were more before… things happened but now we’re not. I’m not running to him. I am getting my job back in Rosemary and living with Bethy for a while. Then I’ll go somewhere else and start over. I just can’t keep staying here.”
“Why can’t you stay here? Hell Blaire, I’ll marry you today. No questions asked. I love you. More than life. You gotta know that. I messed up when we were younger and that thing with Callie, she don’t mean nothin’. She’s just a girl who distracts me. You’re all I want. I’ve been telling you that for years. Please listen to me,” he was begged.
“Cain, stop this. You’re my friend. What we had died a long time ago. I walked in on you doing things to another girl you shouldn’t have been. That night everything changed. I love you but I am not in love with you and I never will be again. I need to pack and I need to move on with my life.”
Cain slammed his hand against the wall. “Don’t say that! It isn’t over. You can’t just run off on your own. It isn’t safe!” He paused. “Are you pregnant?” he asked.
I didn’t answer. Instead, I walked back to the room I’d been staying in while I was here and started packing my suitcase. “You are,” he said, following me into the room.
I didn’t respond. I just focused on my things. “Does he know? Is the rock star’s son gonna take responsibility? He’s lying, B. The baby will get here and he will run. He won’t be able to handle it. A baby doesn’t fit into his life. You know that. Hell, the world knows that. He might as well be a rock star himself. I saw his beach house. That ain’t someone that’ll be there when things get tough. They don’t stick it out. I may have screwed up but I won’t run. I’ll always be here.”
I spun around. “He doesn’t know, okay. I’m not sure I’ll even tell him. I don’t want someone to save me. I can do this. I’m not helpless.”
He started to open his mouth to argue when Granny Q walked into the room. I hadn’t realized she was here.
“Stop begging her, Cain. You done made your bed boy, go lie in it. She moved on. Her heart has moved on. She’s done shown us all she can go to school and take care of her sick momma and herself.” She looked from Cain to me and a sad smile touched her lips.
“Breaks my heart that you got another hurdle like this to leap so young and this room is yours if you need it. But if you’re set on leaving then I bless that too. You just be safe.” She walked over and pulled me into a hug. “I love you like you’re my own. Always have,” she whispered into my hair.
Tears stung my eyes. “I love you too.”
She pulled back and sniffed. “You keep in touch,” she said and started to leave then glanced back at me. “Every man deserves to know he has a baby. Even if’n he ain’tgonna be a part of its life he needs to know about it. You just keep that in mind.”
She walked out of the room leaving Cain and I alone again. I put the last of my things in my suitcase and zipped it shut. Grabbing the handle, I picked it up. My nausea had gotten worse. I covered my mouth with one hand.
“Shit, B. You can’t do that. Give it to me. You’re not supposed to pick up
heavy stuff. See, you can’t do this. Who isgonna make sure you take care or yourself?”
The best friend I’d had all my life was back and the crazy boy who thought he was in love and ready to sacrifice his life was gone. “I told Bethy. She knows and I’m careful. I wasn’t thinking. This is all new for me. And I think I’m gonna be sick.”
“What can I do?” he asked with a panicked look on his face.
“Crackers would help.”
He set the suitcase down and ran out of the room to get me crackers. He was back in less than a minute with a box of saltines and a glass. “Granny Q heard you. She already had the box out and a glass of ginger ale poured. She said the ale would soothe your stomach.”
“Thank you,” I replied and sat down on the bed to eat a cracker and sip on the ginger ale. Neither of us spoke. My nausea began to ease away and I had learned from experience to stop eating then. Too much and I’d be seeing it again very soon. Standing up, I handed the box and glass back to Cain.
“Just put it down. I’ll get it later.” He picked up my suitcase. “Give me that box too. You can’t carry it,” he said picking up the box of things I hadn’t unpacked from my last move. I pulled the last small bag up on my arm and he started for the door without another word. I followed him praying he didn’t do something stupid when he saw Rush.
We got to the screen door leading out onto the front porch and he stopped.Putting the suitcase down he turned back to look at me.
“You don’t have to go with him. I told you that I could fix this. You have me, B. You’ve always had me.”
Cain believed what he was saying. I could see it in his face. But I knew better. If I needed a friend, Cain would be there but he was no one’s savior. I didn’t need one anyway. I had myself.