by Abbi Glines
“Call me if you need anything,” Woods said meeting my gaze.
I nodded but I’d already made up my mind I wasn’t going to call him anymore. Even if Rush didn’t care what I did it just didn’t feel right. I opened the car door and stepped out. With a final wave I headed to the front door and back into the empty house.
Rush
Seven days and Nan still hadn’t opened her eyes. My mother was stopping by less and less. Grant was starting to be the only visitor that stayed around and showed up regularly. Abe stopped by once a day for only a few minutes at a time. It was Nan and me against the world once again.
“You need to call her,” Grant said, breaking the silence. I knew who he was talking about. Blaire was constantly on my mind. I felt guilty as I sat here staring at my sister and all I could think about was Blaire.
“I can’t,” I replied, unable to look at him. He’d see that I’d given up hope if I did.
“This isn’t fair to her. Woods said she isn’t coming around and she hasn’t called him in three days. He keeps a check on things through Bethy but even Bethy isn’t sure Blaire is going to stay much longer. You just need to call her.”
Leaving me would be the best thing she ever did. How could I be what she deserved if I was torn between my sister and her all the time? I couldn’t keep Nan safe. How could she trust me to keep her and our baby safe?
“She deserves better,” I managed to say it aloud. Instead of just chanting it in my head.
“Yeah, she probably does. But she wants you.”
God, that hurt. I wanted her too. I wanted our baby. I wanted that life I let myself pretend we could have. How could I give that to her if my sister never woke up? I’d be riddled with guilt and pain. I wouldn’t be the man she deserved. This would eventually eat at me until I was worthless to anyone.
“I can’t,” was all I managed to say.
Grant swore and stood up, slinging his jacket on the floor before he walked out of the room slamming the door behind him. He didn’t understand. No one did. I just stared at the wall across from me. I was starting to go numb. I was losing everything I’d ever let myself love.
The door opened and I looked over expecting to see Grant. Instead it was Abe. I wasn’t in the mood to see him. He’d deserted the two people I loved most in the world at some point in their lives.
“Why the fuck do you even come here? You don’t give a shit,” I snarled.
Abe didn’t respond. He walked over to the chair that Grant had just vacated and sat down. He never sat down and stayed for any length of time. The fact he was going to right now didn’t sit well with me. I needed to be alone.
“I do give a shit. Your mother doesn’t know I’m here. She wouldn’t approve of what I’m about to tell you. But I think you deserve to know.”
There was nothing that man had to say that I wanted to hear but I remained silent and waited. The quicker he said what he wanted the sooner he’d be gone.
“Nanette isn’t my daughter. Your mother has always known that. She wanted Nan to be mine but we both knew when she got pregnant that it was impossible. We’d been broken up for over eight months when she called me. She had just found out she was pregnant and she was scared. She was still in love with your dad which was why we broke up to begin with. I couldn’t live up to the legend that was Dean Finlay. I wanted to be enough for someone. I never would be for Georgianna. But I loved her and she was worried about how she was going to manage another child. I was young and stupid so I went back to her and we talked about marriage. I told her I’d have to think about it.” He stopped and looked over at me. I was still reeling from the fact that he wasn’t Nan’s father.
“Once I got there Georgie was leaving you with Dean whenever she could and still going out with friends as if she wasn’t pregnant. She wouldn’t tell me who the dad was. I had just about met my limit when Rebecca came to visit.” His eyes went soft and he briefly closed them. I’d never seen the man show that much emotion.
“She was gorgeous. Long blond hair that looked like it was spun by angels. The biggest green eyes I’d ever seen and so damn sweet. She loved you. She didn’t like your mother taking you to Dean. She worried you weren’t safe with a bunch of rock stars. She kept you when your mother went out. She made you these pancakes with Mickey Mouse ears that you loved. I was drawn to her and I couldn’t leave. Your mother used us both for awhile. Rebecca wouldn’t leave because she worried about you. And I wouldn’t leave because I’d fallen in love with Becca.” This was not the story my mother had told me. This wasn’t the story I’d been led to believe all these years but now that I’d met Blaire… that I knew her… this made a hell of a lot more sense.
“Your mom came home drunk one night. She wasn’t far along in her pregnancy and she announced that Dean was the daddy of this baby too. I was furious that she’d been drinking and even more furious that your father had done this yet again with no intention of doing right by Georgie. So I called him and told him I wanted to talk to him. The talk didn’t go well. He said that the baby wasn’t his. If it was his he’d gladly claim it but it wasn’t. She’d been sleeping with the lead singer of Slacker Demon for over a month. The baby wasKiro’s and well, you’ve grown up around Kiro. You know him well enough to know he isn’t father material.”
Kiro was Nan’s father? I buried my face in my hands as different memories came back to me. Kiro coming over late yelling and cursing at my mom about stealing his kid.Kiro calling my mom a cheap slut and hoping ‘his girl’ didn’t end up the same way. I’d forgotten those things. Or I’d just blocked them out.
“Through this Becca and I got closer. Dean took you and swore he was going to take care of what was his. Your mother cursed and shoved Becca down a flight of stairs calling her names I will not repeat and told us both to leave after she caught me kissing Becca one night. We left after that. Becca cried a lot because she was worried about you. She always worried about you.”
When he talked about Becca all I could see was Blaire’s face. Her sweet innocent face and my chest felt like it was about to explode.
“I asked Becca to marry me. She agreed. Weeks after our honeymoon we found out she was pregnant with twins. Those girls were my world. I adored the ground they walked on just as much as I adored their mother. Never a day went by that I wasn’t thankful for the life I’d been given.” He stopped and choked on a sob.
“Then one day Val and I were driving back from shopping. We’d gone to get her some shoes for volleyball. Her foot had grown over the summer but Blaire’s hadn’t. They were nearly identical but it was starting to look like Blaire might be the shorter one out of the two. We were laughing about me singing along to some silly boy band on the radio. I missed… I missed the red light. We were hit on Val’s side of the car by a truck going eighty miles an hour.” He stopped and ran a hand over his face to wipe the tears and let out another sob.
“I lost my baby girl. I hadn’t been paying attention. With her, I lost my wife who couldn’t look at me and my other daughter who was only a shell of the girl she’d been. Then you showed up with that picture of Nanette and instead of sticking it out and being the man my girls needed me to be, I fled. I told myself they deserved more than I could give them. I’d never be able to forgive myself. I’d never be able to move on and seeing me would only hurt them more. So I left them. I hated myself then; I hate myself now. But I’m a weak man. I should have stayed. When I found out Becca was sick I went on a drinking binge. The idea of a world without Becca in it was impossible for me to accept. But going to see my vibrant wife, who I loved and will always love, lying there dying wasn’t something I could do. I’d buried my daughter. I couldn’t bury my wife. Because I was weak I left my baby girl to bury her momma. I will never forgive myself for that.” He finally looked my way.
“All you see is a selfish man who only thinks of himself. You’re right. I don’t deserve anyone’s love or forgiveness. I don’t want it. Your mother and Nan wanted me. They both acted like
they needed me. I could pretend with them. The truth is your mother is as lost and broken as I am. Maybe for different reasons but we’re both empty inside. I was going to come clean with all this and tell Nan three months ago. I couldn’t continue this farce. I just wanted to go sit by my wife’s grave and grieve. But then Blaire called me. She needed me, but I had nothing to give. So I lied to her. I didn’t know much about the man you’d become but I knew one thing. You loved fiercely. You would do anything for your sister. I had no doubt in my mind that the moment you laid eyes on Blaire that she’d get to you. The sweet gentle spirit that was in her mother is in Blaire. Val was me. But Blaire… she is my Becca. She is so much like her. No man can be around her and not love her. I wanted someone strong and capable of taking care of her. So I sent her to you.” He wiped away the rest of his tears and stood up. I was speechless.
“Don’t become me. Don’t let her down like I did. You only deserve what you make yourself worthy of. Do what I couldn’t. Be a man.” Abe turned and walked out without another word.
Blaire
I hadn’t been asleep very long when the phone rang. It was the middle of the night and only a few people had my number. My stomach knotted up as I reached for my phone. It was Rush.
“Hello,” I said almost afraid of what he’d called to tell me.
“Hey, it’s me.” His voice sounded like he’d been crying. Oh god… please don’t let Nan be dead.
“Is she okay?” I asked, hoping that this time God had actually heard my prayer.
“She’s awake. She’s a little disoriented but she knew me when she opened her eyes so her memory is good.”
“Oh thank God.” I sat down on the bed and decided I needed to try this praying thing a little more often.
“I’m sorry, Blaire. I’m so sorry.” His voice was hoarse. I could hear the pain laced in his words and I didn’t have to ask what he meant. This was it. He just couldn’t say it.
“It’s okay. Just take care of Nan. I’m really glad she’s okay Rush. You may not believe that but I’ve been praying. I wanted her to be okay.” I needed him to believe me. Even if there was no love lost between Nan and I she was important to him.
“Thank you,” he said. “I’m coming home. I’ll be there no later than tomorrow night.”
I wasn’t sure if this meant he wanted me gone by then or would we’d do our goodbyes in person. Running would be so much easier. Not having to face him. It hurt bad enough on the phone. Seeing his face was going to be so hard but I couldn’t let it destroy me. I had our baby to think about. This wasn’t just about me anymore.
“I’ll see you then,” I replied.
“I love you.” Hearing the words hurt more than anything else. I wanted to believe he did but it wasn’t enough. The love he might feel for me wasn’t enough.
“I love you too,” I replied and hung up the phone before curling into a ball and crying myself to sleep.
The doorbell rang just as I was getting out of the shower. I grabbed the clothes I’d laid out to wear and quickly got dressed before wrapping my hair in a towel and hurrying downstairs.
When I opened the door and saw my father standing there I wasn’t sure what to think. Had Rush sent him to get rid of me? No. Rush wouldn’t do that. But why was he here?
“Hey, Blaire. I, uh, came to talk to you.” He didn’t look like he’d slept in days and his clothes were rumpled. Seeing the daughter he did love in the hospital must have been hard on him. I pushed that bitterness away. I wasn’t going to think about that. He was Nan’s dad too. At least he was there for her now even if he’d screwed her over the first part of her life.
“What about?” I asked, not moving to let him in. I wasn’t sure there was anything he had to say that I wanted to hear.
“It’s about Nan… and you.”
I shook my head. “Don’t care. I’m not up for hearing anything you have to say. Your daughter woke up. I’m glad she didn’t die.” I started to close the door.
“Nan isn’t my daughter,” he said. The only words that would have stopped me from slamming the door in his face. I let his words sink in as I slowly opened the door back up. What did he mean Nan wasn’t his daughter?
I just stared at him. This made no sense.
“I need to tell you the truth. Rush is going to tell Nan when she’s ready. But I wanted to be the one to tell you.”
What did Rush know? Had he been lying to me? I wasn’t sure I could breathe. “Rush?” I asked, backing up in case I couldn’t get a deep breath and passed out. I needed to sit down.
“I told Rush everything yesterday. He had been told the same lie you had but he knows the truth now.”
The truth. What was the truth? Was there a truth or was my entire existence a lie? I sank down onto the steps and stared up at the man I thought was my father as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
“I’ve always known Nan wasn’t my daughter. More importantly, your mother knew Nan wasn’t my daughter. You’re right, your mother would have never allowed me to leave my pregnant fiancéand run off with her. Not for anything. She almost didn’t let me leave my ex-girlfriend who was pregnant with yet another member of Slacker Demon’s kid because she was worried about what would happen to Rush. Her heart was just as big as you know it was. Nothing you knew was a lie, Blaire. Nothing. The world you knew was not a lie.”
“I don’t understand. I know my momma wasn’t involved in any of this. That was never a question in my mind. But I don’t understand. If you aren’t Nan’s dad, why did you leave us for them?”
“I met your mother while trying to help my ex-girlfriend deal with her latest problem. Your mother had come to help her friend too. We both cared about Georgianna. She’d needed us and we tried to help. But while she was out partying and acting like she didn’t have a little boy at home to take care of and a pregnancy she was ignoring, I fell in love with your mother. She was everything Georgianna wasn’t. I adored her, and for whatever reason, she fell in love with me. When we left, Dean had come to take Rush and Kiro, the lead singer of Slacker Demon and Nan’s real father, had stepped in to offer his assistance. Georgianna found out about Becca and me. She sent us packing and we gladly went. Your mother worried over Rush and called Dean to check on him for awhile.”
“Mom knew Rush?” Picturing my mother taking care of Rush as a little boy stuck with two screwed up parents brought tears to my eyes. He’d known how wonderful my mother was once even if he didn’t remember.
“Yeah. He called her Beck Beck. He preferred her overGeorgianna and that didn’t settle well with Georgie either. Once Georgianna got Rush back she refused to let your mother check on him. Your mother cried for weeks worrying over the little boy she’d grown to love. But that was your mom. Always caring too much. Her heart was bigger than anyone I’d ever known… until you. You’re just like her, sweetheart.”
I held up my hands to stop him. We would not be bonding over this. I wasn’t crying because I knew my mother was innocent of the lies I’d heard before. I was crying because she’d loved Rush once too, his entire childhood hadn’t been lonely.
“I’m almost done. Let me finish, then I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again. I swear.”
He knew I was leaving too. That this thing with Rush and me was over. The sharp pain in my chest was almost too much.
“Val’s death was my fault. I ran that red light. I hadn’t been paying attention and I lost one of my girls that day. But I lost you and your mother too. You were both hurting so bad and it was all my fault. I wasn’t man enough to stay and bear seeing you both in so much pain. So I ran. I let you take care of Becca when it should have been me but I was too weak. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing my Becca sick. It would end me. I drank myself into a stupor. It was the only way to stay numb. Then you called and said she’d died. My Becca wasn’t on this earth any longer. I was going to tell Nan the truth about her father and I was going to leave. I wasn’t sure where I’d go but I didn’t care if
I lived or died.
Then you called and needed me. I wasn’t even a man anymore. I was worthless. But I couldn’t let you down. I’d already made you suffer so much alone. I sent you to Rush. He wasn’t exactly the kind of guy a man wants his daughter around but I knew he’d see in you what I saw in Becca. A lifeline. A reason to live.A reason to fight.A reason to change. He was strong. He could protect you and I knew if pushed he would.”
This was all too much. I couldn’t make sense of it. He had sent me to Rush? The guy who adored a sister who hated me and blamed me for everything wrong in her life?
“He hated me,” I told him. “He hated who I was.”
My father’s smile was sad. “Yes, he hated who he thought you were, but then he met you. He was around you and that was all it took. You are rare, Blaire. Just as your mother was. There aren’t many people in this world as strong as you are. As full of love and willing to forgive. You always envied the way Val could charm a room. You thought she got the best out of the two of you. But what Val knew and what I knew was that we were the lucky ones because we had people like you and your mother in our lives. Val adored you. She saw that you were the one that had your mother’s spirit. We stood in awe of the both of you. I still do and although all I’ve done is hurt you since the day we lost your sister, I have loved you. I always will. You’re my little girl. You deserve the best in this world and I’m not the best. I’m walking away and I’m not going to bother you ever again. I need to live out the rest of this life alone. Remembering what I once had.”
The grief in his eyes tore at my soul. He was right. He’d deserted me and momma when we needed him the most. But maybe we’d deserted him too. We hadn’t gone after him. We’d just let him go. The day we lost Valerie had marked all our lives. Momma and Val were gone now and we could never get them back. But we were here. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life knowing my father was out there somewhere alone. My momma wouldn’t want that. She never wanted him to be alone. She loved him until she drew her last breath. Val wouldn’t want that. She’d been a daddy’s girl.