by Guerin Zand
The gate opened, and we were greeted by a Maricindi in some sort of onesie. Yea, I know, a fucking onesie. The intergalactic standard alien garb. The only thing the onesie had going for it was that it was better than seeing most of the aliens I’d met naked, with some exceptions of course. He also had some sort of weapon in his hand. A space pistol of some sort which was rather small and unimpressive. I was hoping that Senri was paying attention and had disabled the weapon if possible. If it was just some small stunner, she’d probably let me get zapped a few times first, just for the entertainment value of the crew watching above.
I smiled at what I assumed was a guard. “Wassup?”
His expression remained unchanged while he pivoted his little space pistol in my direction.
“Take me to your leader?”
Still no response from my new friend. He had obviously not read the same book on first contact protocols that I had.
We stood there for a few minutes. Me, with my dumb smile, and him with his little pistol pointed at me. This wasn't going well I thought. I noticed a small group exiting one of the tents, well not actually a tent, but close enough. They were walking in our general direction. Hopefully one of those persons was capable of speech.
One of the new arrivals made his way up to the front of the group. He put his hand on top of the guard’s pistol and pushed his hand down. Maybe the guard was a deaf-mute? Hopefully, they all weren’t. I assumed this Maricindi was of a higher rank since his onesie was adorned with more flair than the others. I directed my smile in his direction.
“Why have you come here, Jrenila?”
“Zrill, I have brought a friend who wishes to speak with you. He is the one I have told you that the Guides would send. His name is Guerin Zand.”
I continued to smile, raised my hand to about chest high to give this Zrill a little wave and said, “You can call me Guerin.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Because that’s my name.”
“But Jrenila just said your name was Guerin Zand?”
“Yes, yes. My people usually have two names. The use of just the first name is a less formal way to address one of us.”
“Very well, Guerin. What is it you wish to speak to me about?”
Not a very friendly species. He didn’t invite me in or even offer me a tasty beverage. And the Bree thought we were primitives. The first time I met Milly I offered her a drink. It’s probably best not to make quick judgments like that, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the obvious.
“Well, first off, have you noticed you’re missing a few satellites from orbit?”
“What do you know of that?”
“Well, I made them go missing. I destroyed them.”
Now that got his attention. I don’t think it got his attention in a good way though.
“How did you destroy our equipment? Where are you from?”
“I’m from Kansas. Well, actually Kansas City. The Missouri one, not the one actually in Kansas. Me and my dog, Toto, got caught up in a tornado, and, well it’s a long story. Let’s just say I’m not from around here. I destroyed your equipment by tossing it into the local star.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“What? That I’m from Kansas City?” It wasn’t my fault he asked an ambiguous question with two totally unrelated answers.
“No, I don’t care where you’re from.”
“Then why did you ask?”
“I’m regretting that I did. Perhaps we should go to my office where you can tell me more about how you ‘tossed’ our satellites into the star.”
“Lead on.”
Jrenila and I followed Zrill back to the temporary structure I saw him exit earlier. A few of his men followed behind. I was a little underwhelmed at what I saw inside his office. It was decorated in Vietnam War vintage army surplus furnishings. What was it with this color of green and the universe? Zrill took a seat behind his desk and gestured for Jrenila and me to take a seat across from him.
“So, please, explain to me how you destroyed our equipment in orbit.”
“It’s not important how. You wouldn’t understand if I told you the how. The important part is why.”
“Then tell me why.”
“I did it to get your attention, and to make a point. The point being, that I could. Hopefully, you’d realize it was just a simple demonstration of what I am capable of doing.”
“Is this some sort of threat?”
“No, no. I’m simply trying to be nice here. Besides, threats are such a waste of time. I mean, why bother threatening you? I could just skip the whole threatening part and toss all the Maricindi on Taes into that star with the rest of your equipment?”
“That sounds like a threat to me.”
“You’re taking this all wrong, Zrill. Like I said, I’m trying to be nice. A lot of people think I can be a little too rash at times, a little too quick to resort to violence. Maybe they’re right, so I’m working on that. That’s why I came here to talk to you. I exchanged the basic pleasantries, engaged in a little small talk about where I came from, and accepted your most gracious invitation to join you here to have a little chat about the current situation on Taes.” Ok, I admit the nice me was still a colossal asshole, but I was trying, right?
“What situation are you speaking of?”
“Well, the situation that brings you to Taes of course.”
“And how is that your concern?”
“I have been asked to help.”
“Still, it seems to me that you are interfering in things that do not concern you.”
“No more than you are. You are the ones interfering with the Taesrin society. If you weren’t, neither of us would be here. I plan on leaving Taes right after you do.”
“But we are not planning on leaving.”
“Whether you plan to leave or not makes no difference. You will be leaving Taes, and you won’t be returning.”
Zrill let out a strange group of sounds I could only assume was what they might call laughter. It was just downright annoying if you asked me. His expression turned grim and he leaned forward.
“That was most definitely a threat.”
“No, it wasn’t. If I had said, ‘Leave Taes, or else’, that would have been a threat. I was simply stating a matter of fact. How pleasant, or unpleasant, your departure from Taes will be is entirely up to you. I’m willing to give you guys a reasonable amount of time to pack up your things and leave at your earliest convenience, or I can just toss you all off this planet as easily as I tossed your equipment into the star. It’s your choice.”
“From what I can see, there is only one of you and there are hundreds of…”
“Please, Zrill. There are exactly 107 Maricindi on this planet, not hundreds. Please don’t insult me by trying to lie to me.”
“Still, there is just you. If we were to simply kill you, then it seems to me that would solve this situation in a way most favorable to our concerns.”
I looked over at Jrenila who seemed quite happy not to say anything. “See, Jrenila. I told everybody this being nice stuff never works. I tried to be nice, and I end up having my life threatened.”
I looked directly into Zrill’s eyes, with a big smile on my face, while I instructed Senri over the comms to incapacitate the four guards standing behind me. When I heard the thumps of their bodies hitting the floor my smile got even bigger.
“Now do you see what you made me do, Zrill? Do you really want to test my patience?”
“Are they dead?”
“No, but they may be slightly injured from the fall. That’s kind of unavoidable.”
Now I instructed Senri to use a portal to transport the guards from the floor to somewhere outside of the office. That seemed to get Zrill’s attention.
“Where are my men?”
“Lying in the center of Jrenila’s village. Now, are you ready to discuss how much time your people will require to pack up and get ready to depart Taes?”
> “But even if we wanted to comply with your request, we don’t have the means to transport all of our personnel and equipment back to Marci. We only have the one ship here and it can only transport ten of us. Besides, it is only capable of reaching orbit, where it would have to wait for transport back to Marci. To remove all of our people and equipment would take several cycles.”
“Not a problem, Zrill. I’m still trying to be nice, so I’m more than willing to help you with the logistics of transportation. If you want to keep your little spaceship, just get it up to orbit. I’ll move it into orbit around Marci for you. The rest of your people can pack up their stuff in their vehicles. I’ll open a doorway for them to drive or walk through, right back to Marci. It won’t take me much more than a thought to make it happen. Just give me the coordinates of where you’d like me to put the doorway on Marci and where, in orbit, you want your spaceship. I’ll make it happen. I won’t even charge you anything for my trouble.”
“You can do that?”
“Have I lied to you yet, Zrill?”
“But what about the Bayru? I can’t leave here while they remain a threat to our world. That was the reason we came to Taes in the first place. To prevent the Bayru from setting up a military base here on Taes.”
“Well, I’m not really concerned about your politics, but you don’t think I’m going to allow them to stay on Taes either, do you?”
“Have you already spoken to the Bayru and convinced them to leave Taes?”
“Not yet. I thought I’d start with you. If you have a way to communicate with the Bayru leader, I would appreciate if you would contact whoever it is and arrange for a meeting between us.”
“I can do that, but how do I know we can trust you? How do I know that you aren’t just going to gather my people together and kill us all?”
“I’m genuinely hurt that you would think I would do such a thing, Zrill. Do I come across as the type of alien who would just kill a bunch of intelligent beings just for the fun of it? I mean, if I were, why would I waste my time talking?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you’re the type that enjoys toying with his victims before killing them.”
“Oh, please. Look, Zrill. That sort of behavior would just get me in more trouble than it’s worth frankly. At the end of the day, we all have to answer to somebody. I’m sure you’ll have to answer to somebody for your actions here, am I right?”
“Yes.” Zrill paused to consider what I said for a moment. “I will order my people to start packing. I will try and get you an estimate of the time we’ll need very soon. I assume we can have at least a few days to get ready to leave?”
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you four days, and if you run a little behind schedule, we can extend that.”
“That should do. It would speed things up if you could move our ship directly to Marci and we wouldn’t need to take it into orbit?”
“I can do that. I just need the coordinates on Marci where you want me to place it.”
“Fine. I’ll contact the Bayru for you, but be warned. They may simply try to kill you rather than talk.”
“Thanks, but let me worry about the Bayru.”
Zrill gave Jrenila and me a ride back to the village where he picked up his four men. I’m sure they had an interesting talk on the ride back. Jrenila then invited me back to his home to join his wife and children for dinner. It was some sort of stew with real meat, so I couldn’t complain. I didn’t bother to ask where the meat came from. I’ve found in my travels to other worlds, as well as on Earth, it’s sometimes best not to know. If it tastes good, then just leave it at that. Later that night he led me to a small hut where I could sleep that night. I guess it was their version of a VIP suite. It had a bed of sorts, a small table, chairs, and a fireplace with a fire already going. It was getting a little cool in the evening, so the fire was appreciated.
I stayed up for a few hours going over some things on my portable viewer. I checked to make sure the Maricindi were keeping their word. I could see that they appeared to be packing on the feed from the Ryvius. I checked in with Senri to make sure she was keeping track of all the bad guys, just in case. Maria broke into the conversation since she was currently on watch. Everything was quiet from what she could see. She mentioned what an asshole she thought I’d been to Zrill. I guess a simple goodnight wouldn’t have made her as happy.
As I was getting ready to go to sleep, a young woman entered my hut. She was carrying a pitcher of hooch and a couple of glasses. She went over to the fireplace and placed another log on the fire. I guessed it was the equivalent of the maid turning down the bed and putting a little chocolate on my pillow. She poured me a glass of the local spirit and finally she spoke.
“Would you like me to join you?”
Really, I thought to myself. She was cute, and it wasn’t that late. What harm could there be in having a couple of drinks with a pretty woman, right?
“Yes, please join me. I’m Guerin.”
“I know. My name is Scirla. I’m a free member of Jrenila’s family.” She replied as she poured herself a drink.
She actually poured a pretty good size drink for herself and she appeared to be a little nervous. I wasn’t exactly sure what a “free member” meant, and the whole use of the term “family” was still not sitting right with me. Unfortunately, the Collective database had very little information on Taesrin society for me to use as a reference. I had just the basic language download to refer to and it wasn’t that much help.
We sat across the table simply looking at each other as we sipped our hooch. It was that old well known awkward silence I’d always dreaded. What were we supposed to talk about? What the hell? I was Guerin Zand. This wasn’t my first time meeting an alien space babe.
“Scirla is a pretty name.” Pretty lame, I know.
“Thank you. Jrenila says that you have convinced the Maricindi to leave Taes. Is that true?”
“We will see. They appear to be preparing to leave, but that’s no guarantee.”
“Will you do battle with the Bayru tomorrow?”
“I’m not going to do battle with anyone. I will talk to them, just as I talked to the Maricindi.”
“But the Bayru are fierce warriors. They do not talk to their enemies. Are you not a warrior also?”
I took a sip of my hooch. “No.” I laughed as I thought to myself, ‘But I did spend the night at a Holiday Inn Express one time.’
“They have killed members of the family who have tried to talk to them. I am worried for you.”
“Well thank you for your concern, Scirla, but I’ll be ok.”
We both finished our drinks and Scirla stood up. I assumed she was preparing to leave until she started to untie her deerskin, or whatever animal skin, robe she was wearing.
“Wow! Look Scirla. I don’t need any trouble.”
She dropped her robe to the ground. She was definitely human. I spent more than a few seconds checking her out just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken. She had long silky black hair and a beautiful tanned complexion. Ok, my mouth was wide open, and I was gawking at her fine features. At least I wasn’t drooling.
“Does this look like trouble to you, Guerin?”
I quickly poured myself another few fingers of hooch and slammed it down. I coughed a bit as the rocket fuel I had ingested stripped another layer of flesh from the back of my throat.
“Trust me, Scirla, that’s exactly what trouble looks like. I appreciate the offer, but my mate would not be pleased.”
Scirla smiled at me in a strange way. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.
I simply went to Taes to do some good. The next thing I knew I was in a dark hut, the only source of light the flickering flames from the fireplace that provided the warmth for the room. Then, out of nowhere, a young hot alien piece of tail walks in, plies me with alien hooch, gets naked, and gives me the look. Why didn’t shit like that happen to me when I was single?
“But you need someone to keep you war
m, Guerin. The nights can get very cold here on Taes.” I couldn’t believe the little alien hottie just used one of my own lines on me.
“Yea, Dad. It’s not like they’ve never heard of blankets on this planet. Oh look, I think I see one at the end of your bed. I wonder what you’re supposed to do with that.”
Yes, my smartass daughter was watching in over the open comm line.
“It’s not what it looks like, Maria.”
“What did I say? I know you’re just following standard first contact protocol, straight from the manual, right, Dad?”
“Ha, ha. Is Prima watching this too?”
“Hell, the whole crew is watching this, Dad. Not much else for us all to do. We’re taking bets on what happens next. I would suggest you disable your comms before things go too far. We have little children up here watching you know.”
“Very funny. I hope you’re all having a good laugh. Nothing is going to happen.”
“That’s not what the odds the computer calculated are telling us. Hell, we don’t need a computer to tell us the odds are you’re going to do something stupid, now do we?”
I took my ring off, that was where the comms device was, and I put it in its case to cut off the signal. I could hear the crew sighing all the way up in orbit even without it. Meanwhile, Scirla must have been wondering what the hell I was doing staring off into the room.
She unfolded the blanket on the bed and hopped in under the cover. I got undressed, down to my boxers, and joined her. I turned away from her and she gave me a good spooning. That’s it! I don’t consider being spooned as cheating, and it probably would have been rude of me to kick her out of my bed. You can never tell what some alien cultures might be offended by. I considered I was getting off easy anyways after the dream I had the night before. I didn’t have to worry about being buggered by Scirla unless I’d missed something during my rather lengthy visual inspection of her physical assets. I didn’t think I had.
The next morning, I woke up to find Scirla preparing a morning meal. I excused myself for a bit while I headed out into the woods to use the facilities. It was quite a hike from the little hut to a secluded area in the woods where a man could take care of business. I never liked camping. I finished and returned to the hut where Scirla had a warm bowl of gruel waiting for me. I guess a cinnamon roll and a hot cup of Joe was out of the question? Oh well. I smiled and accepted the meal graciously. It wasn’t that bad, I mean if you like oatmeal that is.