by Sara Summers
The questions bounced around in my mind as we cuddled together on that couch.
As a single snowflake drifted down from the sky, I realized that Haiden’s thought had to be true. In my life, after all the pain I had gone through, the books and movies and paintings I had seen had certainly made an impact.
The art in my life had touched me in a way that nothing else could, and a lot of the time, it had helped me make it just one more day. When my aunt and uncle had hurt me, when they had done unforgivable things to me, I turned to books and TV shows and movies. They had helped me cope with life.
Art helped me to survive a thousand one-more days, and I had a feeling that whatever else came my way, it would continue to do the same.
That snowflake was only the first, and in a few minutes, we were getting pelted with snow.
“Close the roof!” I exclaimed, as Haiden scrambled to grab the remote.
“I am.” Haiden laughed as he pushed the button.
We were quiet as the roof closed, until he said,
“You made it. It’s two AM, the hour of artists.” He smiled.
“If only I was an artist.” I smiled wryly.
“Of course you’re an artist.” Haiden scoffed. “Everyone’s an artist.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree then, because there is no possible way that’s true.” I told him.
“Alright.” Haiden shook his head at me, and I yawned.
“I’m going to bed, if that’s okay with you.” I said.
“Alright.” Haiden nodded. “I’m going to stay up for another hour or two, so I’ll join you in a little while.”
“Okay.” I stood up, but I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I say goodnight and kiss him? Should I turn and go? Should I run for the bathroom again?
“Goodnight, Jazz.” He stood up to meet me. I was glad he made the move; I had no idea what to do.
“Goodnight.” I nodded.
Haiden placed his hands on my waist and stepped forward to kiss me.
“Sweet dreams.” He whispered.
I nodded, a little star struck by the man in front of me. Good gracious, he was perfect.
When I slipped into bed, a smile grew on my face. I was ridiculously lucky to have Haiden as my soulmate.
Chapter 12
“Jazz!” Haiden shook my shoulders, yanking me out of the nightmare and back into reality.
“Sorry.” I whispered, sitting up and folding my arms over my stomach. Gosh, the memories hurt.
“Will you tell me about your dream?” Haiden asked. He tried to ask gently, but I could tell that he was worried about me.
“I can’t.” I shook my head forcefully. While my heart begged me to confide in him, to tell him everything I’d been through and let him know what a true mess I was on the inside, my past petrified me. If he knew what I’d seen and been through, I was terrified that my future with him would disappear.
“Please, Jazz.” He begged. “I want to help you.”
“Then don’t ask.” I rubbed at the tears that had forced their way to the surface, laying back down on the pillow and forcing my eyes to close.
Come on, J. Just breathe. Push it away.
I tried to force my brain to work with me, but it was too worked up.
“Alright. I’ll be in the studio if you need me.” Haiden frowned and walked away.
I burrowed my face into the pillow. If the nightmares would just leave me alone, maybe I could have a normal life. Maybe Haiden could fall madly in love with me and I could move on and never have to talk about the past ever again.
Maybe I would finally be free from everything I had lived through.
With that hopeful thought, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
“Jazz.” Haiden pleaded. “Wake up.” He was shaking my shoulders and didn’t stop until I opened my eyes. The scream died away, leaving me with a throat that was so dry it felt like it was bleeding. “What’s going on?” he demanded.
“Just bad dreams.” I whispered, but even I could hear the lie in my voice.
“Why won’t you trust me with your past?” Haiden asked. He sounded like I’d hurt him.
But then again, I reminded myself, he would be much more hurt to know what his mate had been through. Males could be protective, and if Haiden knew…
Well, there was a large possibility he would want to kill my aunt and uncle.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” My voice was scratchy and low.
“Seeing you in pain hurts me enough.” He replied.
“Goodnight.” I whispered, closing my eyes and willing away the tears.
Haiden sighed in defeat, and I heard his footsteps as he walked away from me.
Once again, I burrowed my head in the pillow and tried to go to sleep. I needed the numbness of sleep, but once again, that peace evaded me.
All I had was the nightmares.
Chapter 13
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, tears threatening to make an appearance after Haiden woke me up for the third time.
“If you won’t talk to me, will you at least talk to Brooke? I hate seeing you in pain.” Haiden folded his arms.
I nodded; talking to Brooke would help. She was the one person on the planet who knew everything, and she was the only one who could talk me out of horror-memory lane.
He handed me my phone and then disappeared for the third time.
Gosh, I felt like a horrible soulmate.
I clicked on Brooke’s contact picture and held the phone to my ear. She would pick it up—she always picked it up, no matter how late I called her.
“Hello?” Brooke said into the phone, her voice sleepy.
“Hey.” My voice sounded weak.
“Are you okay?” she demanded. “Do I need to go all lion on your mate?”
“No, he’s fine.” I whispered. “I just… the memories. I can’t sleep.” I closed my eyes against the pain and tears behind them.
“Did you tell him everything?” Brooke checked, more relaxed since Haiden hadn’t injured me.
“No. He would leave me.” I shook my head.
“No he wouldn’t. J, I don’t want you to be hurting, but I really think it would be best if you told him everything. I doubt that the memories will leave you alone until he knows about them. He’ll understand, and you were just a kid. Nothing that happened was your fault.”
“I can’t. Please, just talk to me.” I begged.
“I’m sorry.” Brooke sighed. “I love you. Talk to Haiden and I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.”
“No, don’t—“ Brooke hung up the phone.
I dropped back to my pillow, completely and utterly defeated. What if Haiden freaked out? There were a million possibilities, a million different things that could happen if I told him everything. I pulled up the notes section on my phone and started a list, just to help me decide.
He could hate me
He could kill my aunt and uncle
He could leave me
He could understand
He could pity me
He could be furious with me
He could hug me
He could kiss me
He could cuddle with me until I feel better
He could wish I’d told him sooner
He could wish he had a different mate
He could tell me he loved me
When I wrote that last one, I was sort of struck with the realization that not everything about me telling him could end up bad. Sure, there were plenty of bad options, but if I was being realistic I could cross out at least half of those bad ones. If I did that, it would become much more likely that he would react in one of the options I liked more.
I’d seen a lot of romance movies, so I knew at least a tiny bit about love. From what I’d learned, if you didn’t tell someone about who you had been, it would be much harder for them to love you for who you were at the time.
I wanted Haiden to love me—good gracious, I wanted him to love me. And that meant I had
to take the risk and tell him about my past.
I spent a few minutes psyching myself up for it, getting myself ready. I chanted cheesy things in my head, things like,
Jazz, Jazz, she’s really rad. If she can’t do it, then who can?
Rah, rah, Jazzy—
Okay, that’s enough of that. Sorry. So yeah, like I said, I got myself all ready and then used every centimeter of willpower in my body to get out of bed and walk all the way to Haiden’s studio.
Wearing a big sweater and leggings as pajamas, I stood in the doorway of the studio. Haiden didn’t hear me I guess, because he didn’t look up from his painting. He was painting something but his body was blocking it, so I couldn’t really see it.
I watched him, and his whole body seemed to move as he painted. It was like the paintbrush was part of his body, guiding and directing him rather than him guiding and directing it.
Once again, I thought it was beautiful.
I know, I know, that’s creepy. Go ahead, sue me.
“Do you need something?” Haiden asked without turning around.
“Just want to talk. It can wait.” I didn’t want to distract him or ruin his painting.
He put the brush down and turned to look at me, still standing in front of the painting so I couldn’t see.
I stepped into the studio.
“I’m sorry that I pushed you away. I just don’t tell people about myself. I’m not good at it. Even Brooke has to try hard to get things out of me.” I apologized. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know.” A gentle smile tugged at the corners of Haiden’s mouth.
“So do you want to hear it tonight? We could wait until the morning if you want, so I don’t give you nightmares too.” I hurried to say. It was my last chance at dodging the conversation, and boy, I still wanted to do that.
“And give you time to change your mind?” Haiden lifted an eyebrow. “I don’t think so.”
“Fine.” I muttered.
Haiden stepped toward me and took my hand, leading me to the couch so we could sit down. He must’ve known it was going to be a hard conversation for the both of us.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath in. “It all started when my parents died…”
That was the beginning of a very long and very unfortunate story. I would write out the whole thing, but I can’t. For one, it would hurt too much. For another, no one needs to understand it. My story is my story, however long and horrible and painful.
I suffered enough not to need you to suffer with me.
When I finished telling Haiden everything, he engulfed me in the world’s most massive, warm, comforting hug. Our cheeks pressed up against each other, his arms holding me tight and safe.
“Jazz, I am so sorry.” Haiden whispered.
I closed my eyes, mentally begging him to hold me closer. We couldn’t speak telepathically, but I hoped that somehow the animals inside of us would communicate and tell him anyway.
He tightened his arms around me, and I sent up a prayer of gratitude to the Creator.
“I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like. If I could go back and change it, get you out of their home and keep you safe…” he shook his head, though it was still resting against mine.
“You can’t.” I whispered. “But it’s okay. Everything is okay now.” I told him.
“And I’m going to keep it that way.” Haiden said firmly, squeezing me tight. “You’ll never go through any of that again.” He vowed.
I nodded, turning to bury my head against his shoulder. It was so weird to trust my past to the man who I had met just a few days earlier. Haiden was a stranger, but at the same time, he wasn’t. It was like some part of me had known him before, had always known him.
And that didn’t make sense, I mean come on. I’d thought Haiden was attractive since Kennedy told me about him in high school, but I’d never met the guy.
How could I feel like I knew someone I’d never met before?
Good gravy, it was weird.
“Are you ready for bed?” Haiden asked. His words were soft, his voice gentle and sweet.
“Yeah.” I nodded.
We climbed into the bed together for the first time. Instead of feeling awkward or strange or just plain wonky, it felt right.
Which made me feel a little weird, but whatever.
Haiden wrapped his arms around me and held me close, and you know what? I had never felt more certain that I was in the right place.
Our legs tangled together, his skin touching my cotie where it curled and twisted below the hem of my leggings. The instant it touched, I felt peace.
Haiden was happy with me—so, so happy. He was grateful and calm and he loved me, at least, as much as you could love someone after the short time we’d been together.
All my life I’d been trying to find peace. I went to Harvard and proved to myself that I wasn’t just a stupid animal, like I’d believed for so long. I designed Shifty University, and it was a masterpiece but it didn’t fill that hole in my heart. Brooke and I were as close as any sisters could ever be, but even she couldn’t fill the entire gap.
But somehow, lying in bed with Haiden’s arms around me and his feelings bouncing around in my head, my insecurities vanished. I felt strong and smart and right. For the first time since my parents had died, I didn’t feel like I had to be anything other than who I was—Haiden would be there for me despite my scars, nightmares, and everything else.
He was my soulmate.
The concept just… well, it blew my mind. Honestly, that’s the only way to describe it. Knowing that he was going to be with me no matter what came our way was the most peaceful feeling in the world.
The rest of the night, my memories didn’t bother me. I was too busy dreaming about the possibilities in my future to think about the horrors of my past.
I don’t think I’d ever felt quite so happy since before I lost my parents.
Chapter 14
The next morning, we were late getting to the university. I usually liked to get places on time, but honestly, we forgot to set an alarm.
“Your friends won’t mind that we’re late.” Haiden assured me, as he pulled out of the parking garage.
“They already texted me six times.” I grimaced, my foot tapping quickly against the floor of the car.
“Aren’t there six of them though?” Haiden quirked an eyebrow.
“I just hate being late.” I muttered, looking out the window. He was completely right, of course. Each of my friends there had texted to tell me which building they were in charge of so I’d know who would be where. Haiden and I were supposed to be moving stuff into the office building, so we were headed straight there.
“Hey, it’s going to be fine.” Haiden put a hand on my leg to comfort me, though he was still watching the road so he wouldn’t crash the car.
“Yep.” I nodded, yawning as he pulled up to the university. Haiden parked on the side of the office building, next to the massive trucks that looked like they were still completely full of furniture.
“Hey, Jazz.” Merla waved us over. “And you must be Haiden.” She smiled at my mate.
“What was your name?” Haiden checked, holding out his hand. Merla accepted the handshake.
“I’m Merla, the resident eagle shifter.” She said. A gust of wind blew past, and she pulled her scarf tighter around her neck. “Let’s get inside, it’s freezing.”
Most shifters were slightly warmer than humans, but eagles hated the cold.
Merla handed me a packet of papers, each of the layouts and furniture for a room. Every piece of furniture had already been planned for, and my job was to make sure everything ended up in the right place.
“Here, I need to get back to help Marley, but I’ll see you guys later. Good luck.” She flashed us a smile, then left out the back door.
“Where do these go?”
I whirled around to see four groups of guys coming in from the same door we came in through. Each group was
carrying a large desk.
“Umm…” I looked down at the papers. Since we were late, I wasn’t sure what was happening just yet.
Luckily, Merla had been crossing things out in red as the furniture was placed down. The top four pages were of offices that needed desks, so I told each group a room number before looking at Haiden.
“This is going to be a long day.” I grimaced.
“It’ll be fun.” Haiden smiled wryly. “Can I have half of those papers?”
“You can have all of them if you want.” I bit back a smile, handing him half of the stack. “I’ll take two groups, you take the other two. Deal?” I checked.
“Deal.” Haiden kissed me on the cheek. As soon as the guys came back out of the rooms, we kicked everything into gear.
There was a crapload of furniture.
Chapter 15
“I’m done.” I realized, flipping through all my pages. “I thought the end would never come.”
“You and me both.” Haiden agreed. We collapsed onto the brand-new waiting chairs to take a breather.
“Thanks, guys. You’re good to go.” I waved the men away. They looked even more excited to be done than we were. They’d been carrying furniture all day, so their job definitely sucked more than ours.
“Ready to go?” Haiden checked, taking my hand and lacing our fingers together.
“Ready.” I nodded. As we stood up, the bell over the front door (I can proudly say it was sitting firmly in place thanks to me) jingled while a large man walked inside.
“Hello.” The man didn’t smile, and for a moment, I was worried that we’d have to fight him off or something.
“Hi.” Haiden gave him a friendly smile.
I studied the man. The more I looked at him, the more I thought he seemed almost familiar, but I had no idea why or how.
“I’m looking for Jazmine Daniels.” The man seemed a little hesitant.
I was surprised and a little creeped out that he knew my name, but held my expression firmly in place so he wouldn’t know.
“Why?” Haiden checked.
Good question, I thought. It was like Haiden had read my mind.