“I never said I don’t want friends,” I say dryly, “but forgive me for being a bit… ah… suspicious considering Spring and I had been friends before I got locked up, and now…”
“Yeah, Spring’s why we’re here,” Violet admits.
“We don’t care for her,” Rosa blabs. “She’s terrible. The absolute worst.”
“I want to set her on fire, but the others won’t let me,” Pyra says sadly.
“I would’ve thought you and Spring would’ve gotten along together,” I tell her.
“Why? Because she set a few fires?” Pyra makes a scoffing sound. “No way. She doesn’t know fire the way I do.”
“I don’t think anyone does,” I murmur.
“Ain’t that the truth,” Rosa says. “See, what did I say? I knew she would be cool!”
“Not too cool,” Pyra says.
We talk for a bit, and I eat the rest of my food. I can’t help looking around for Cosmo. I don’t see him, and I also don’t see Spring anywhere. I’m desperate to talk to Cosmo, to find out why he’s here. It just can’t be because of me, can it? I mean, that would suggest that he has serious feelings for me, for him to upend his life like that. It’s crazy. Seriously crazy.
He’s a lot like me, Cosmo. A male version of me. Girls all flock to him, and I’m sure there are plenty of guys who want to be him.
Fuck. Don’t tell me that Thistle went after Cosmo because Thistle saw me with Cosmo. I’m not Rosemary, but back then, we looked a lot more alike. I still had the white hair then, and my wings had only been a little darker than Rosemary’s.
The thought that Cosmo might’ve been hurt and nearly killed because of me makes me sick to my stomach, and I cover my mouth with my hand.
“Don’t worry,” Violet says. “You get used to the food. It’s gross, but it’s edible, and when you’re hungry enough, you’ll get used to it.”
I shake my head. “It’s more the drink that bothers me. What is it? It’s not water.”
“No one knows for sure what it is,” Pyra says, “but it doesn’t douse fire.”
We all gape at her.
“What?” she asks innocently. “You can make fire without magic. Even a human can do it.”
“Yes, but…” I shake my head.
“Some people think it helps to make sure that the nature bond remains severed,” Rosa says.
“Really?” I grimace. “Wouldn’t surprise me.”
“I think it’s to make us more complacent,” Violet says.
“You would think that,” Rosa retorts.
“What? Just because I understand how the mind works doesn’t mean I automatically think everything is related to the mind,” she protests.
“Except you do,” Rosa says. “You think I can’t orgasm because I think too much.”
“The mind is the biggest factor with a woman orgasming! Even the humans—”
“I don’t want to hear that crap,” Rosa mumbles.
The bell rings. It’s time for us to file back to our cells, but I linger a second and touch Violet’s arm.
“Are you any good with Illumination?” I ask in a rush.
“Yeah. ‘Course. Why?” Her eyes glitter. “Oh, yeah. I heard that a professor of Illumination bit the big one. That the one your boy toy offed?”
I nod.
“Why would he do that?”
“Demons do a lot of things,” I mumble.
“Your boy…” Her eyes widen. “He didn’t want you to know your true self.”
“I don’t think so. I told him I was struggling with it, and he wasn’t too happy.”
“Hmm. I can try to help you, but I’m no professor.”
“But you understand how minds work,” I protest.
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can make you accept who you are. Not really. I mean, I could if I had my magic. Mind tampering is really risky business, though. I mostly only did it on humans, not other fairies, but…” She shrugs.
A guard coughs. “Move along and fall into line, fairies,” he says gruffly.
We hurry and put our trays away and get in line.
“Don’t worry about him. That one’s Kyle. He’s all talk but no bite,” Violet says.
“You have a read on all the guards?” I ask.
"Yeah. I don't need my magic for that either. If you pay attention, you can tell a lot from a person's walk, from their eyes, the way they smile or grimace. All of it reveals something about their subconscious. Who you want to know about? Besides yourself, of course."
“Drake.”
“Oh, he’s a good guard. Fair. That’s what makes him a good choice for having to do the intro procedure.”
“He didn’t seem to care for the drugging part,” I murmur.
“He revealed that to you? Huh. Interesting.” She looks down the line. “We have time for one or two more guards, or I can give you an assignment to work on for your mind.”
Before I can open my mouth, Spring flounces over.
“There you are, Bay! Hurry up. We need to line up outside of our cell for head and wing count.” She eyes Violet. “Leave us be, Lavender. You aren’t going to do any mind tricks on us. Oh, wait. You can’t!”
“You’re hilarious,” Violet deadpans.
With a grimace to Violet, I allow Spring to drag me away. I can’t stand her. How in the world had we been friends at one point? Had I been desperate for female friends so much to help counter all of the male attention that I accepted any female as a friend, even one who is clearly deranged? If so, what does that say about me?
14
Headcount is done by Cosmo, but he doesn’t pay me much attention on his way through. I refuse to act like a lovesick schoolgirl, but when he flies back down a second time, our gazes met, and I wink at him. At the exact same time, he winks back at me, and I can’t help it. My heart flutters.
Cosmo has always been there for me. Why didn’t I give him a chance?
Because he’s too much like me, and I didn’t want to get hurt. I figured he didn’t want anything serious.
As if what I had with Zoth was serious.
I’m such a fucking idiot, that’s what I am.
Who is Bay? A moron who didn’t see what she had in front of her.
Cosmo’s an incredible guy, and any girl would be lucky to have him. I’ve always thought that, but I never considered that I should be that girl.
Spring eyes me. “You shouldn’t talk to Lavender anymore.”
"Oh, don't worry," I tell her. "I know what she did. She can't mess with my mind."
“You can mess with someone’s mind without using magic.” Spring purses her lips. “You know about that, don’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say coolly.
“Oh, but I think you do. You manipulate guys to do whatever you want.”
I laugh and brush my long dark hair back. “Is that so? I’m sorry, Spring, if it made you feel inadequate that the boys would offer to fly off and get me drinks or do this or that for me. It’s not manipulating them if they’re willing.”
“They were only willing because they thought they could get you in bed,” she protests.
“Does it bother you that I had more sexual partners than you did? Does it help to know that not all of them were good lays?”
“You just use people!”
“Some people want to be used.”
“You’re fucked up,” Spring says.
“Because I do what I want? It was always consensual, Spring, so judge away. I don’t give a damn.”
“Maybe you should—”
“Come on, Bay,” Drake calls.
I glance over at the dark red-haired guard. He waves me over.
“Did I do something wrong?” I ask.
“You have a phone call.”
“Why does she get a phone call?” Spring snaps.
“You should worry about yourself,” Drake says evenly.
A click sounds, and the cell opens. I quickly rush out, and
the cell locks behind me.
I fall into step alongside Drake rather than behind him. “Why do I get a phone call?”
“You’ll understand in a moment.”
He brings me to that same room I had been in when I called my parents. At Drake’s nod, I pick up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Bay, darling.”
“Zoth?” I gape at Drake. The guard leans against the way, staring at the ground, trying to give me a measure of privacy.
“How are you?” he asks as if he’s not calling someone in prison.
“Aren’t you in prison?” I demand.
“That’s where I’m calling you from.”
“I’m your one phone call?”
“Yes. Who else would I call?”
“Are you for real? Seriously, Zoth. Fuck you. Fuck the horse you rode on. Fuck your wings. Don’t call me ever again. Don’t reach out to me ever again. Don’t—”
“Why do you have to be like that? Bay, I helped to open you up—”
“Open me to what exactly? You know what? I don’t give a damn what you think you did for me because you only did one thing. You landed me in here, and for that, fuck you and goodbye.”
I slam the phone down.
Drake has his hand over his mouth. When we make eye contact, he gives up trying to hide his amusement, and he laughs his ass off.
“I’m glad you find this amusing,” I mutter.
“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have reacted, but…”
“It’s all right. I just can’t believe that fucker had the nerve to call me. Do you know what he did?”
He opens his mouth.
I hold up a hand. "I'll tell you. He seduced me, used me… I wouldn't really say he abused me, but he definitely tried to influence me. He even got me hooked on… Well, I know there's no real trial for fairies, so I won't get into it. You don't need to know all of my dirty little secrets."
I wink, and he just shakes his head.
“I bet your secrets are dirty,” he murmurs, but he doesn’t say this in an overly flirty tone. Just mildly flirtatious. Oh, I like that. It’s nice to feel appreciated instead of just a hole a horndog wants to fill with his cock.
“Just a cocky little amount of dirt,” I say. “He made me doubt myself, made me afraid to do well in Illumination, and that’s when he offed the professor. He didn’t want me to learn who I am.”
“Because he wanted to use and control you,” Drake says.
“That’s what he wanted, but he doesn’t get what he wants. Not from me. Now, I do what I want.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.” I side-eye him. “I’d love to do who I want as well.”
“Ah, I’m sure you do.” His green eyes pierce through me, and I feel as if he can see straight through to my twisted soul. “It’s only natural that you would want to lash out against your abuser.”
“I said that I wouldn’t—”
“He did.”
“You don’t even know him.”
“He’s a demon.”
I lift my chin. “You don’t know me.”
“I know more than you think.”
“Is that so?” I ask.
“Yes. You feel a bit disgusted by what he did to you, don’t you? You want to erase from your mind and your body what he did to you, so you’ll reach out to any guy you think might be willing to take you into their arms and fuck you. Am I close?”
“I have more standards than that,” I say hotly.
"So, if I were to offer to take you right now, you wouldn't let me?"
“No.”
“No?” He chuckles. “Oh, Bay. No wonder you did so poorly with Illumination. You’re lying to yourself.”
“Fairies can’t lie, remember?”
“I find that so ironic,” he murmurs.
“How is it ironic? It’s the truth!”
“Light fae can’t lie,” he says. “The darker a fairy is, the greater the chances he or she can lie.”
“Can you lie?” I ask boldly.
“Do you think I’m dark?” he asks, lifting his bushy eyebrows.
“I think anyone who works in a prison has to have a degree of darkness, yes.”
“If that’s the case, then I can lie,” he says. “There’s no way for me to prove or disprove your theory.”
“Hmm.” I tap a finger against my cheek. “You could answer a simple question.”
“What’s that?”
“Do you find me attractive?”
He bursts out laughing again. “You have lady balls, I’ll give you that. If I say I do find you attractive, what then?”
"Then, you're a good little light fairy."
“And if I say I don’t, I’m a dark fae who can lie, am I right?”
“Do you deny that you’re attracted to me?”
“Do I think you’re beautiful, yes, but I think that about a fair number of the inmates. A lot of them, you included, use your looks to get your way. Sometimes, getting your way means that others get hurt.”
“I didn’t actually kill her,” I protest.
“Can you say that you haven’t hurt anyone?” he counters.
“Can you?” I retort.
He says nothing.
“You know, a human would think your lack of a response means you’re guilty.” I eye him.
“Guilty of finding you attractive and nothing else.”
I snort. “Sure. I might believe you.”
“Oh, so you don’t think I find you attractive, do you?”
“I do believe that part, but not the rest, which means you’re a dark fae. Why don’t you go ahead and prove it by kissing me?”
Drake crosses over to me, standing close, very close. But instead of leaning down to kiss me, he points to the door.
“It’s past time to get you back.”
“You’re light and dark, and I think I like the dark more,” I inform him as I sweep on by.
“And there’s more irony for you. Most fairies aren’t light or dark. They’re a combination of both.”
"Well, I'll just work on getting you to embrace your darkness," I tell him.
“You wouldn’t be the first to try.”
I wink. “Don’t worry. I’ll be the first to succeed.”
I'm all smiles as he brings me to my cell, but when he leaves, I scowl. All of that, and for what? Yes, I dumped my demonic boyfriend to the curb, but I didn't see any vents or an escape route. I might've made some progress with Drake at least. I might be willing to trust him, but first, I need to formulate a plan.
Too bad I have no idea what the plan should look like.
15
By the time lunch rolls around, I’m desperate, which is a new feeling for me. I need to get out of here. I need fresh air.
Most of all, I need to bust out of here.
This isn’t the place for me. I need my magic back. How the hell do the other inmates handle this? It’s a constant gnawing ache that is growing worse by the second. I mean, it’s gotten to the point that I’m looking for ants, spiders, anything at all that has life that I can try to draw from.
But I won’t be able to. I know I won’t.
And I’m worried that trying to make a connection to nature and to magic and failing might break me entirely.
I’ve never thought of myself as weak before, but I can’t. I can’t do this.
Did the others go through this too? I almost want to ask, but I also don’t want to know. I’m ready to freak out.
Violet, Rosa, and Pyra are all sitting together. Rosa waves me over. With a sigh, I join them, but I don’t take part in their teasing one another. I feel so utterly disconnected from anything and everything except for the pain from the loss of my magic.
I need to feel something, anything.
Maybe a different kind of pain will help.
We're given spoons today. Our meal is supposed to pass for a kind of soup, but I take my spoon, and I rub it against the side of the bench as hard as I can, as quick
ly as I can. Pyra notices and does the same. She's trying to make a spark, but I'm not. My spoon snaps in half, and I jab and dig the pointed edge deep into my arm. Warm blood gushes from the wound, and I watch it, my lifeforce ebbing away.
Rosa notices first. She shrieks and causes a huge hullabaloo, but I don't react at all. The pain, the physical pain, it's enough to make me feel nothing at all. Complete and total numbness, just what I want.
A guard nearly tackles me to take the ruined spoon away, and then there’s jostling and pushing and shoving. Generalized chaos. The other inmates are pushing and shoving the guards back, and I notice one guard in particular.
Cosmo.
Yes. A part of me hoped he would be around, and I’m not surprised at all when he forces his way through and takes me by the arm. He forces me out of the cafeteria, and we head toward a part of the prison I haven’t been before.
The infirmary.
Not that there’s a fairy doctor or nurse around. Of course not. Fairies tend to heal fairly quickly.
Well, they do when they have their magic.
“What the fuck, Bay?” Cosmo hisses.
I smile up at him as he grabs me by the hip and places me on a table. “Want to climb on top of me for old times’ sake?” I tease.
“Are you fucked up in the head? I don’t go for messed up chicks.”
“I’m not messed up. I mostly did it to see you.” I glance away.
“And the rest of your reasoning?” he asks as he washes the blood from my arm. It’s not an easy process, considering the blood is smearing more than coming off.
“I feel cut off,” I murmur. “From everything.”
“So you turn to pain?”
“It’s not as if I can turn to what I want, considering you won’t take me.”
“Bay…”
“Maybe talking will help.” I watch him finally remove the rest of the blood. He leaves my side, opens a drawer, and removes a vial. “You sure know your way around here. Have you had to doctor up other prisoners?”
"No, but I've been through all of the training, and I know where everything is."
"How was the training? What made you decide to transfer here? You never mentioned wanting to become a prison guard."
“You really have to ask?” He flies over to me and uncorks the vial. A faint blue cloud billows out, binding itself to my wound. The skin burns as if attacked by a thousand flames, and then, the heat disappears, and my skin is whole and perfect, completely unblemished.
Dark Fae Penitentiary: First Transgression Page 7