“It’s complicated. I actually met her a while back. Before she hired me.”
“You’re a lucky man.”
“Thanks, but it’s over.” He moved to the fridge and offered Julian a cold one. “I’m moving on as soon as she finds a replacement.”
“She dumped you?”
Dump. There was a word. Sam grimaced. “I need to get on to the next job. Maybe go to Colorado.”
“But this is a great gig. You love it here.”
“It’s time to go.”
“Hell, no. It isn’t.”
Sam quirked a brow.
“It’s time to face it, whatever it is. Whatever you’re dealing with, it’s going to go with you. Time to stop running and just let it happen. Here or wherever you go next, it’s never leaving you until you let it go.”
“What do you know about it?”
“Listen, remember that I was there, too. Maybe not a hard-ass Marine but you know I saw...things. I thought I’d never stop replaying the tape over and over in my mind. But one day it got better. It’s never going away but it gets to a point where you can deal with it.” He locked gazes with Sam. “Been to the VA?”
Sam knew exactly what he meant. “Once.”
And then he’d figured out that talking didn’t help. He didn’t want to be medicated. The only thing that helped was to keep moving and find the hardest and most physically challenging thing he could. Except that he’d proved there wasn’t anything strenuous or tough enough to make him forget.
There also wasn’t a woman sweet and brave enough to help him. He’d proved that. Which meant he was SOL.
“Go again,” Julian said, brooking no argument. “And again.”
“Look—”
Julian held up a palm. “No bullshit. I’ve been there, done that. I’m no better than you are and if I can move on, so can you. We already gave enough. Maybe not as much as some of our friends, but that wasn’t our choice. So we have to give our best effort to whatever we’ve got left now, and for the rest of our lives. I’ve got a lot of friends’ memories to honor and I’m sure you do, too.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t be a jerk. Go get yourself another job, get your act together and go get that woman back. She is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs crazy about you.”
Sam didn’t know why it was so much harder for him. He’d seen many of his friends move on and get past their time in the service. Jobs in law enforcement and as first responders. If he’d had his head screwed on straight, he might have tried to do the same. Why couldn’t he move on? Unless Jill was right and he had to reconcile with the past he’d never be able to leave behind.
After a few minutes more of sitting quietly with each other, drinking, words seemingly no longer necessary, Julian said good-night and left.
It occurred to Sam that for one tough Marine, he’d been afraid of two people who never meant to hurt him. He’d avoided them, which had him at an impasse. Because he could almost physically feel the hurt and pain he’d caused them and it was just one more responsibility he couldn’t shoulder.
Tomorrow morning his first phone call would be to the VA. But as he picked up his phone now, he dialed a number he’d never forgotten. If talking could make him whole again and deserving of one little spitfire named Jill Davis, he would face it no matter what it took from him.
When his mother answered on the first ring, he simply said, “Hey, thanks for coming today.”
And after all this time, at least it was a beginning.
Chapter Twenty
Jill didn’t get upset when she got home and realized that she hadn’t shut Shakira’s cage securely enough. She’d crashed through it and left a little bunny trail of dark pellets from one end of the house to the other. Well, that was Jill’s fault. She also didn’t get upset that Shak had found her way into the bathroom and shredded through several rolls of toilet paper. Also her fault for leaving them out where Shak could get to them. She cleaned up the messes, fed Shak and went to her cupboard for her chocolate stash. Nothing there, so she went to her emergency stash. The one she kept hidden under the sink.
And it was all gone.
“C’mon! I haven’t been eating that much chocolate. How could this happen? Why me?”
She wanted to shake her fist toward the heavens but instead burst into tears. Shakira stopped munching on her food long enough to stare vacantly into space. It was almost as if she was saying: “Woman, if you’re going to be that dramatic, at least take acting lessons first. You’re horrible!”
If she had a dog or a cat, the pet would curl up into Jill’s lap and make her feel loved and needed. Valued. Unconditional love. That’s what she’d wanted all her life. From her parents. Her brother. From her friends. From the men she’d dated. From her pets! But all she had was Shak who, though very cute—let’s face it—seemed completely clueless to Jill’s pain.
Jill dialed Zoey. “Do you have chocolate?”
“Of course I have chocolate. What’s wrong?”
“I’m all out and this is an emergency.”
“I’ll be right over.”
Five minutes later, Zoey was at Jill’s carrying a paper bag in one hand and Boo’s leash in the other. “Reinforcements have arrived.”
Jill folded into Zoey’s arms. “I want a dog! I need a dog.”
“And it sounds like you’re finally ready.”
“Really?” She sniffed. “I think so, too.”
“What about Boo? He still needs a home and I’d trust you with him in a heartbeat.”
Boo was nearly the size of a horse, her kindred animal. “I don’t think my place is large enough.”
Zoey sighed. “I guess you’re right.”
“You’ll be on the lookout for me?”
“Of course. I’ll find you the perfect dog. Someone loyal and well trained who just wants to love on you.”
Oh my, that sounded good. Jill took the bag from Zoey and plunked down on the couch, digging in.
Zoey sat beside her, parking Boo nearby. “What about a nice lap dog?”
“I was actually thinking a Lab.”
Zoey deadpanned. “A Lab. They’re kind of big, too.”
Jill burst into tears. Again. “I could handle it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Of course you can adopt a Lab.” Zoey flew into fix-it mode. “Why not? I mean if you take it to work with you it would have loads of room.”
That didn’t make Jill feel any better. She’d have a Labrador but no Sam. And a Lab, beautiful though they were, couldn’t replace Sam. After a few minutes, Jill explained everything to Zoey between her stupid hiccuping and tears.
The blurred lines in the workplace between her and Sam. The time they’d spent together. All she’d learned about him.
Lastly, the worst news of all. “I fell in love.”
“I know you did.” Zoey sniffed, sympathy tears glistening in her dark brown lashes. “You can’t help who you love.”
“I screwed up, Z. I should have never slept with him again.”
“You didn’t screw up. What’s wrong with taking a chance on love?”
“Making a damn fool out of myself when I knew better.”
“No.” Zoey shook her head. “I’ve been your friend for years and never seen you as happy as these past weeks. Sam came back into your life for a reason. He changed you. For years, all you cared about was your career and making a big splash in the world. You dated men but never got attached, probably because you wouldn’t let yourself. But when Sam came along all the rules changed. I think only love can do that. And you can’t waste time regretting love.”
Jill sniffed. “He resigned, and now I have to work with him until I find a replacement. I have to see him every day and know that he doesn’t feel the same way. He was fooling around and I was falling in love.”
&
nbsp; “Typical man.”
“No. Not typical at all. He’s hurting. He needs help, and I don’t know if he’ll get it.”
Zoey nodded sadly and glanced toward a calm Boo, sitting regally as he observed two women drown in chocolate. “It hurts too much to let anyone near even if all you want to do is help.”
Jill and Zoey sat in a sea of chocolate wrappers, and by the time Zoey left, Jill felt a tiny bit better. So she’d made mistakes before. Trusted people she shouldn’t have. This one hurt more than anything before, but then she’d been the one to get her heart involved.
But she’d learned one thing she’d never before suspected. Sam was correct. She was brave and it was high time she acknowledged it to herself.
For a long time, she’d simply wanted to make Ryan and her parents proud. But she had to be happy, too.
Jill had never been a parent, so she couldn’t imagine what it was like to have a child who was very ill. She had to assume that it would be hard to let go. Hard not to expect more bad news coming. But they hadn’t given her enough credit. She was a hell of a fighter and Sam had taught her to understand that. It might be that her family would never stop seeing her as a sickly girl, but the important thing was that Jill knew she was much more than that.
A sense of relief flooded her, knowing she’d crossed one more item off her unwritten list. There were some things she’d never write on a list, since they might never happen. She’d been smart for many years and only written down measurable goals she could achieve. But she’d never written down some of the stuff she really wanted out of life over which she had little control.
Fall in love with a wonderful man. Have two point three children. Adopt a dog.
That last one was easy considering she had an in with the dog lady. She’d just been waiting to be ready for so many things. Like permanent love. And a dog. Remembering how Sam had called Zoey “the dog lady” and looked mortified after he had brought about a new wave of pain and regret. He’d seemed a bit like a lost soul the first time she’d met him. A sexy, brooding lost man she didn’t want to know for longer than a few uninterrupted hours.
Who knew that would flip on a dime and he’d be the one to crack open her heart and then break it?
* * *
For two weeks, Jill went home every afternoon to Shakira. Sam, of course, had a gift for disappearing about the time Jill arrived for work every morning. And he’d been leaving two to three times a week like clockwork at the end of his day. She had no idea whether or not he came back to the trailer or if he’d already met someone new he was spending his nights alongside. Best not to know. Julian and Ty gave her sympathetic looks from time to time, which meant they must know everything. Michael, for his part, seemed oblivious. But, hey, as long as she held her head up high and didn’t cop to it, she could pretend she and Sam were an overblown rumor.
She’d recently hired both a receptionist and scheduler. Audrey stayed in Jill’s old trailer, which they both shared during the day as an office and Audrey had to herself at night. Jill had replaced the cot. She’d also hired a social media manager who worked off-site. Three more guides from Home at Last would start next week. Even if Sam decided to stay after all, she would need more men. She reported to her investors on their grand opening and the schedule booked six months in advance, and the consensus of the board remained that she should hire a general manager to report to the board. No amount of persuasion seemed to convince them otherwise. There was now more than a budget for a general manager, who would work side by side with her as CEO. A budget, but no one she wanted to hire yet.
Not anyone who would stick around.
Near the end of the week, Julian pulled Jill aside. “How you doing, boss?”
She gripped her clipboard harder. Never went anywhere without it these days. “Good, good. Everything’s shipshape around here.”
“Shipshape?” Julian seemed to be trying to choke back a laugh. “He’s doing good, too. Wanted you to know.”
“That’s great. I’m glad.”
He probably already had another girlfriend and the decency not to throw it in her face. And so did Julian.
“I should have a replacement for him soon. You can tell him that.”
“Why don’t you?”
“Oh sure. I will next time I see him.” And since they were avoiding each other, that could be a while.
Julian tipped an imaginary hat and walked away grinning.
She would be okay. Eventually. All the delegating Sam had convinced her was important had allowed her some free time. She hadn’t quite known what to do with herself at first, but then she’d learned to relax again. A foreign concept. She’d had dinner with her parents once they’d returned from Paris. They’d acted pleased about the success of the park, which meant that, god bless them, they were trying. She’d started biking again. Attended a few barbecues at Carly and Levi’s home with their large group of friends. All the things normal people did who had regular and balanced lives.
If there was a hole in her heart, she’d get over it someday. She didn’t have any regrets, just as she’d told Sam. No regrets about San Francisco and no regrets about what he’d termed their “month-long one-night stand.” The important thing was that she’d risked her heart for the first time. She’d learned her heart was big enough to love someone deeply enough to let him go. He’d needed her to let him go and she’d made it easy for him because he deserved getting whatever he wanted for once.
Finally, her week at an end, Jill was late to work the next morning. She’d taken her time, letting Shakira out in the backyard to have a grass party and then having to spend an hour trying to get her back in the house, chasing her as she hopped from one shrub to another. Turned out rabbits were fast.
Live and learn.
As she crossed the entrance, the American flag waving in the light summer breeze, she slowed when she noticed Sam standing near the flagpole on his crutches. Alone.
A memory hit her hard and fast of the first time they’d met as Jill and Sam, not Angelina and Chris. It was a short time ago but seemed longer. They’d both changed so much when they dropped their masks and their fake names. Much of that change had hurt. Then again, she should have expected a few growing pains.
When he moved to block her car from going any farther, she stopped and got out.
“What’s going on?”
“I want to talk to you and it has to be away from everyone else.”
“Sorry.” She dipped her head. “They already know.”
“But they don’t have to know everything. Some of this is private.” He took her hand and tugged her into his arms.
“Sam?” Her heart cracked opened. She was afraid to say another word.
“I haven’t told you everything and I should have. You don’t know this but you saved me, girl. I might have been in a hell of a mood the night we first met, but I had no idea what was coming next. The toughest year of my life. When I was in that medical facility going through PT and hoping one day I’d walk again, it was your face that I saw. You were my lifeline and didn’t even know it. Because you were the last time I felt normal. The last time I felt alive.”
“Oh, Sam. Why didn’t you tell me?” She buried her face in his neck.
“I’ve been really bitter for a long time. When I saw you again, it was like getting a second chance. I was afraid I’d blow that chance, too. And I almost did because I’m so pissed off at myself and the world.” He took a deep breath and pressed his forehead to hers as his words caught. “I’m getting help because I know I need it.”
“That’s where you’ve been going every other afternoon? I thought...”
“What?”
“That maybe you had a new girlfriend.”
He tipped her chin in his hand and went brows up. “Seriously? No, Boots. There’s no other woman on this planet for me. No one else has my back like you
do. Say you’ll give this jarhead another chance.”
“I will. You mean everything to me and I don’t want to lose you ever.”
“No, I think you’re stuck with me. Forever, if you’ll have me. I love you, Jill.”
The thought sent a thrill up her spine. “I love you so much. But there’s something you still need to know about me.”
“Yeah?” Palming her neck, he studied her carefully.
“Zoey says my kindred animal is a horse.”
“Ah,” he said, grinning. “Is that any better than having a cat as a kindred animal?”
“Probably not.” She went up on tiptoe and smiled against his lips. “Maybe we could meet in the middle with a—”
“Lab,” they both said at once.
He laughed and kissed her, long and hard, squeezing her so tightly she thought she might burst.
When she came up for air, she said, “I have some bad news. You’re fired.”
He had the decency to look disappointed. “I’d rather look for another job than lose you.”
“How do you feel about a general manager position? Because the board of investors is insisting someone be hired. You’d be reporting to them. Not me.”
“Shame. I sort of liked reporting to you.” He grinned and tugged her in tighter.
“Well, I’m sure we could do a little of that here and there.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, promise. Sam Hawker, will you please do me the honor of being our general manager and making me the happiest CEO in the world?”
“Jill Davis, try and stop me.”
Epilogue
One month later
“Fubar!” Jill shouted for the full-grown Labrador and Golden mix she’d adopted almost a month ago through Paws n Pilots.
Granted, he was well trained, but for a three-legged dog he moved fast. He also had a lot of room to roam on the ridge and Jill didn’t want to lose sight of him. But as she walked up a hill to her future home, she wasn’t surprised to find Fubar inside the frame of her unfinished home.
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