by Blair Burden
Chapter 13
August 30
Mr. Rivers was early this time. I knocked on his office door, trying not to startle him. He nodded for me to come inside as he continued to sign papers. “Hello, Cassidy.”
“Oh, Mr. Rivers, I have so much to tell you! I did it. I spoke to Mandy last Tuesday!” I cheered as the bell to class rang. “I told her everything.”
His eyes narrowed, “What do you mean, you spoke to her?”
I leaned back into my chair, as if I were comfortable at home. “Like you said—”
“You went to her grave by yourself?”
“Well, Jordan was with me.”
“Jordan McNeal was with you?”
“Yes, he was with me and it was probably the most uplifting experience ever!”
“Well, that’s great…”
“Now, all I need is my next assignment for my dad.”
“Eh…”
“What is wrong, Mr. Rivers?”
“I’m afraid we can’t do this whole thing anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Well, Dr. Smith said it was best if I forward you to the town’s psychiatrist. He said I’m not trained to evaluate someone of your status,” he said and handed me some papers.
“What did he mean by someone of my status?”
“Well, after that whole fit you threw at Mandy’s memorial, everyone thinks—”
“I’m a nut—”
“But, I don’t think you are. You just have a different way of handling things.”
“I like talking to you though, and you’re in school to become a psychiatrist anyway, so why can’t we talk?”
“According to Dr. Smith, I’m not trained to do so.”
“All the shrink is going to do is drug me up with happy pills and take all of Mama’s money.”
“I know, but that’s how life is.”
“We can still talk though—”
“Well, not during school hours, maybe like at lunch or break or something. I don’t want to get written up by Dr. Smith and then that can show up to my college.”
I frowned and signed the paper saying I would go see a psychiatrist. “But, one last thing.”
“What is that?”
“What about my father…I need to get him out my head too.”
“Um, I don’t know…why is he bothering you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, first you have to figure out why he is bothering you, and then your psychiatrist can tell you what to do next—”
“But, I want to know from you. You were so excited to help me, but now you’re all down and it’s annoying me. I want help from you, so help me! Your solutions work, I’m over Mandy and all I see is the good times.”
With large eyes, Mr. Rivers stared at me. “You see that paper on your lap—”
“Yes?”
“Well, it has someone’s number on it,” he paused and pointed at himself. “If you need any more help, then call me. However, do not make this a habit!”
I smiled and nodded my head. “Okay. So, my assignment for this week is to figure out why my dad is in my head.”
“Well, I would rather say your assignment for the day, since you handle Mandy’s in one day—”
“But, what if I can’t figure it out in one day?”
“Then, take as long as you want.”
“Thank you, Mr. Rivers. You don’t understand what you mean to me!” I beamed and walked out the office in joy.
When I left, the halls were empty as everyone was in class already. I thought about going to class but my teacher thought I was with Mr. Rivers anyway, so there would be no point. I scanned over the papers he gave me, and he forwarded me to a psychiatrist named Martha Conan. I sighed as I despised female doctors in general.
In my usual routine, I pulled out my mirror and my bag of makeup, waiting for Karen to come walking down the hall, but then I remembered…she wouldn’t be coming. It was lonely sitting at my locker knowing Karen wouldn’t be sneaking out of class to see me. I never knew how much I would miss her nagging me to get to class.
My eyes watered at the thought of never seeing or speaking to Karen again. I took Karen for granted. I never knew what being in love with someone was like or to love someone. But, I think I learned. I learned what it was like to be missed.
I listened as I heard Dr. Smith arguing with Jordan. I could not see them, but they sounded as if they were outside the school building. I stiffened up as Dr. Smith turned the corner in anger. I expected him to say something to me about Mr. Rivers or how he thought it was best if I got real mental help. However, he did not speak to me; he just continued to walk down the hall.
“Hey, Cassie,” Jordan said as he turned the corner next. “I missed you.”
“You missed me? Why?”
“It’s been a long day,” he whispered and sat next to me, in Karen’s usual spot.
“Trust me, I know,” I said, not in the mood to joke around with him.
“So, how are you?” he asked. “I see you’re not practicing your makeup.”
“Yeah, I’m not in the mood,” I put my makeup bag, back into my locker. “Why were you arguing with Dr. Smith?”
“He said I shouldn’t ride my motorcycle to school because I bring a negative vibe.”
“What,” I giggled from amusement.
“Yeah, he’s a jerk. I’m eighteen, he can’t tell me what to do!”
“Well, my day didn’t start off too well and it deals with Dr. Smith too. He told Mr. Rivers that I should see a psychiatrist instead of talking to him every morning.”
“That is ridiculous!” he laughed. “I wish Dr. Smith would just go back to California.”
“I know, right!”
“We need to get rid of him.”
“Let's just ignore him for now. He has some stuff against my family that I would like to keep silent.”
“Ha, same here,” Jordan laughed. “So, how’s your friend?”
“I miss her.”
“She’ll be fine, right? She’ll wake up from her coma any day now.”
“She’s not in a coma.”
“Oh that’s great; so she woke up?”
“No, she’s a vegetable,” I whimpered.
“What do you mean?”
“She’s brain dead! She won’t ever speak again! The only reason she is still alive is because her dad won’t let her go.”
Jordan rubbed my back, “Shoot, that is beyond scary. I feel so bad…I didn’t even know her, but I feel terrible.”
“I just want to sleep in bed and throw up.”
“Aw, we have to think positive about her.”
“Maybe I’m not meant to have friends. First, my dad who was like my best friend, then Mandy, now Karen. Even Mama and I used to be best friends and now I can’t stand her.”
“I know what you mean—”
“How would you know?”
“I had a brother, but he died in a robbery back when I used to live in Arizona. Back then, we owned a TV store and he was working there. It was actually supposed to be my shift, but I didn’t show up because I was being an asshole. That night, he was shot and I blamed myself for years because that should have been me—”
“But, it wasn’t your fault.”
“Exactly, but that’s how I felt. I just couldn’t stop blaming myself. So, when I noticed how you were acting after Mandy’s death…I could relate to you.”
“Is that why you have been trying to be my friend?” I smiled.
“Yeah, I know how you feel”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Sorry for what?”
“Your loss, but your better now.”
“I have my days.”
The sound of loud, sloppy footsteps interrupted our conversation. We both looked at who would turn the corner and it was Betsy. I think I speak for both Jordan and I when I said we could read her face immediately—fear and pain.
“Did you get Raymond’s text?” she said as she threw her back
pack over her shoulder.
“Um, nope,” I sighed as I checked my messages. “Where are you going?”
“We have to go to the hospital; Raymond text me for you to check me out.” She showed me her text.
I grabbed my things and closed my locker. “I have to go, Jordan.”
Jordan grabbed my hand and wrote his phone number on my wrist where the old scars were. “I understand one-hundred percent. Just call me when you need me.”
“Thanks,” I smiled. “Bye.”
“Bye, guys,” Jordan said. “Good luck.”
The drive to the hospital was silent. I bet we were both thinking about the same thing. I did not want to ask Betsy what she knew, because well, I didn’t want to know. But, the time was like bullets rushing through every vein.
I tried to think about happier times, like when I first met Karen or how she would fuss at me when I wouldn’t go to class. I didn’t know her very long, but I felt like I knew her long enough to feel the way I felt.
When we arrived at the hospital, in that moment, I knew my life forever changed. I was rushed on numerous occasions to the same hospital. The same hospital I would escape from, it was the same hospital where daddy was diagnosed with cancer; it was the same hospital where I identified Mandy’s disfigured body. And it would be the same hospital I would last remember Karen.
“Whatever happens, I love you,” Betsy whispered to me.
I paused and did not understand why Betsy said she loved me. Why would she love me? I was just a moody teenager who constantly rolled my eyes at her. But, I regretted not saying that word too many times and I thought about if Betsy was the one who was in Karen’s shoes. Would I feel bad for her? “I love you too, Betsy,” I would cry if that was her too—I did care for her.
“I just hope I won’t cry like a baby,” she said. “I can’t believe it,” she hyperventilated.
“It’s okay to cry. Karen knows you love her and that’s all that matters.”
“But, what if she doesn’t know it? What if she didn’t know? I never told her how I cared for her!”
“Well, unlike me, your actions showed it.”
“Oh, there you go blaming yourself again! Karen knows you loved her too. You act like you’re such a horrible human being. Well you’re not.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yeah, you’re just a grumpy teen that Karen praised.”
We both got quiet as we spotted Raymond walking toward us. He had his hand balled up into his stomach as if he were about to puke. We ran over to him and gave him a hug.
“What’s going on?” Raymond said.
“You told us to come here,” Betsy said.
“Well, I didn’t expect you to come by so soon. I still need more time—”
“More time for what?” I said. “You’re gonna do it?”
“We have to,” Raymond said.
“But, I don’t want you to! I love Karen.”
“I love her too, but she’s gone.”
We slowly walked onto the elevator where I last remembered escaping from. I mesmerized the brown painting and the light that flickered. I tried to think about anything except Karen. I even tried to think about Kyle, but nothing worked.
As the elevator stopped on floor six, Betsy began to cry. I tried not to look at her so I walked ahead of them. Although I had yet to visit Karen, I knew she was in room 109. I searched for the room and the first person I saw was Marla in the doorway.
Then, my eyes went to Karen and the first thing I saw were her eyes. They met mine. I did not expect her to be awake.
“What?” I cried as I ran to her bedside. “We can’t pull her plug. She’s awake!”
“She has no idea what is going on!” Marla said as she dusted off her scrubs. “The doctors know what they’re doing.”
“But, what if she does!” I cried. “I think she knows what is going on!”
“She doesn’t!” Marla shouted. “Karen is gone already.”
“Karen knows we are going to kill her!”
Marla shook me to be quiet. “We are not killing her!”
“We can’t do it!” I sobbed. “I won’t allow this.”
“But, we have to and we will,” Raymond said.
“But…but…how…”
“Don’t worry,” Raymond whispered in my ear. “We’ll see her soon."
“We’ll see her soon, where? In a coffin?” I screamed. “This is why I hate people!” I sobbed. “Because when I let them in my life, they leave me! Just like everyone else in my life.”
“I’m sorry, but Karen isn’t leaving you. She’ll still be with you—”
“Bullshit! Karen is the only person who never judged me. Although I stayed out her business, she stayed in mine. She always worried about me, and cared about my future. She was like the little mom I will never have. I love Karen. I won’t let you take her away!”
“I’m sorry,” and Marla held me close. “But it’s time.”