by Mia Madison
“Eh? You’ve changed your tune. You keep pushing me to go out. Anyway, I’m not attached.”
“Rachel… I know you. I can already tell this is more than a casual date. Just be careful, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Do you think I should go slower with Flynn, then?”
“I don’t know. It’s just that we bumped into Doug tonight and I mentioned you were out with Flynn. Doug was laughing. He said Flynn is very popular with women. So all I’m saying is watch yourself, because you really like him, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I really like him, but now you have me worried.” It’s a bit too late for watching myself. I’ve already fallen for him hard.
“I expect there’s nothing to worry about. I just got the impression… never mind, I’m probably talking nonsense.”
“What? Tell me. I’m better off knowing; then I can deal with whatever it is, psych myself up for disappointment. Are you telling me he already has a girlfriend? Hey, he’s not married, is he? Because he said nothing about that.”
“No. Nothing like that. Far from it.”
“Lisa. You’ve got to tell me now, or I really will think the worst.”
“It’s just Doug said the guys have an ongoing and long-standing bet at the station that any new girlfriend will not last longer than a month with Flynn, and so far, none of them have.”
My heart drops. “Really? They take bets on it? I knew a guy like him would have had plenty of girlfriends, but I didn’t think he would go through them so quickly. Does he date them just long enough for them to think he’s serious and then he drops them? What a douche.”
“It might be different with you. He seemed to be into you on Christmas Day, anyway.”
“Yeah, but maybe all those others thought so, too.” My good mood evaporates like a puddle in the Sahara.
“Sorry,” Lisa says. “I wish I hadn’t said anything, because it could all work out.”
“I’m glad you did. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.”
“Promise me you’ll still give him a chance and not make this an excuse to stay out of circulation again. Because, like I say, that’s other women, and other women are not you.”
I promise Lisa I’m still going to see Flynn tomorrow, and we talk about her date with Ben, ending the call soon after. I don’t feel like chatting late into the night like we sometimes do. My heart’s not in it.
I try to reason with myself. Flynn knows a lot of women, and I knew it would be so. How could a guy like that not have a whole crowd of women after him? I just didn’t think that meant I didn’t have a chance with him. Not the way he looked at me. The way we talked all night when we were out, and then how he kissed me and wrapped the blanket around me as if he cared when he left.
But if he just uses women, if he’s a confirmed player, that’s something else. I don’t have anything up my sleeve to convert one of those. He probably has all the lines and all the moves he needs to make a whole crowd of women fall in love with him, one after the other.
Have I just fallen for his seduction routine? Maybe he makes women think they’re the bee’s knees, teases them so they come like they never came before, because those things are so easy for him, and that’s how he gets them into bed. They roll over and beg for him like a dog after a treat. Like I did. I’m ashamed of that now. The news from Lisa spoils everything.
*
I don’t cancel the date. But I don’t look forward to it, either. We’re only taking his dog down to the coast. It’s not as if we’re going to the Ritz. But I’d be deluding myself if I pretended I hadn’t been smiling to myself at the idea of the car ride, the walk on the stone-cold beach, the wind whipping at our cheeks, the smell and sound of the sea and sand and more time with Flynn.
But all that means nothing now.
So I don’t get excited.
At least not until he arrives. Because I take one look and the way he smiles at me I’m lost all over again, and I have to give myself a sharp talking to. This guy is not for me. Strictly. Off. Limits.
CHAPTER 14
Flynn
There’s something changed about Rachel since yesterday. I don’t know what’s going on, but after her eyes light up when she answers the door, she hardly looks at me. And I don’t even get to kiss her properly. She offers her cheek. It might as well be a hand shake.
“What’s the matter?” I ask as she lets me in, and I follow her into the living room.
“Nothing. Everything’s fine.”
There’s that word, the word fine that means “everything is far from okay, but the hell if I’m going to tell you what’s wrong. You’ll just have to guess, mate.”
“You mean fine as in I neglected to call twenty-three times, I wore the wrong shoes, or I have turned up two minutes late? In any case, I apologize.”
“No, not that kind of fine, the fine kind of fine.”
“You don’t seem happy to me. Anything but.”
She sighs and grabs her purse and coat from the couch. “Let’s just go.”
“No.”
“No? What do you mean no?”
“The no that means no. I’m not going anywhere with you until I find out why you’re in this mood.”
“Then fine, I’ll just stay home. It was nice knowing you, and I’ll see you out.”
“Rachel, for fuck’s sake. What is going on here? Because I sure as hell don’t know. What have I done to make you act like this?” I think back. And draw a complete blank.
But she’s not going to answer me. She busies herself, straightening up her living room, moving stuff around, even though it’s already tidy, as if I’m not even there.
I’m not going away without an explanation. “What is this all about? Because I’m at a loss. Help me out here.”
Finally, she relents and speaks to me. “It’s about you.”
“Well, yes, I can see you’re blaming me for something. But what?”
“I just heard something about you I don’t like.”
She has me intrigued now. It’s not like I’ve got a criminal past or anything. “What did you hear? Are you going to tell me what this thing is I’m supposed to have done? Or is there a list I’m not aware of?”
She’s still not looking at me. This is fucking frustrating,
“It’s the way you treat women,” she says. “I’m not a one-month stand kind of girl.”
“The phrase is one-night stand.”
“But I hear a month is the standard maximum in your case. What happens then? Do the women grow suckers and horns?”
“Some of them, yes.” I can’t help smiling, but one look at her and the smile disappears as quickly as it came. Stop cracking jokes, Flynn. For fuck’s sake. She’s about to walk right out of your life if you’re not careful.
“Do you know how pathetic you are? You and your whole species?”
“I’m to blame for the whole male species now, am I? All I did was ask you out for a walk on the beach. If you didn’t want to go, you should have said no.”
“I wanted to go then.”
“And what happened in between? Did you turn to lesbianism, join a convent, or go off the whole of mankind in the last few hours?”
“No. I heard about you and the bets they have at the station about your love life. I’ve just been through a hard time. I don’t need another guy who thinks he’s god’s gift to women messing with my head.”
“What guy?” All she’s ever said to me is that she’s not attached to anyone.
“My ex, Patrick. My ex-fiancé, in fact. Even before we finished, I caught him with my friend from work. Now my ex-friend. And good riddance. But I’m not going there again, thanks very much.”
I want to know how this Patrick guy hurt her. I want to do him harm even though I’m not normally given to violence, but whatever he did, I have to get her speaking to me.
“I’m not like that. I’ll always be honest with you. I thought we had a good time together at the restaurant, and afterwards, too.”
/> “We did. I did. But I also thought we had some kind of connection. And then I find out you don’t connect, ever. So, I just don’t know anymore.”
“Who told you about the bets?”
“Lisa. She heard it from Doug. I don’t think he told her to drop you in it. They just bumped into each other and she told him you were on a date with me.”
“You already know me better than Doug ever will. You and I talked a lot yesterday. I don’t usually get close to anyone like that.”
“But does anyone really get to know you? You push everyone away. So much so that they take bets no one will last longer than four weeks with you. You can’t blame me for being wary of you with a reputation like that, after everything I just went through.”
Her words cut right through me. Is that because they’re the truth? Do I keep everyone at arm’s length? It was all a big joke when the guys were placing bets on me, but it’s not so funny now. Not funny at all.
CHAPTER 15
Rachel
My speech is out of my mouth before I think what effect all this will have. Jeez, we’ve had one proper date, and I’m hounding him about having a connection and lasting longer than a month. Smooth, Rachel. Very smooth.
And for all my talk about connections and sharing, I didn’t mention my ex Patrick at the restaurant. I didn’t want to spoil the evening by bringing him into the conversation.
Once the reason for my bad mood is out there, I expect Flynn to call me out on my omission or just to turn tail and run, and I want to snatch back my words so I can pretend none of this is happening.
But he doesn’t accuse me of anything. He looks like I punched him in the gut. Have I got it all wrong about him? No. People don’t go around taking bets on you if there’s no reason for it.
Maybe he just looks upset because the truth hurts, and no one ever questioned him on it before now. I’m turning into a real fun date. Go out with Rachel and get your home truths here. Awesome.
“Come out with me anyway,” he says. “Just for a walk on the beach. As a friend. I can’t change what you think of my past, but we can still enjoy the day. I like your company, and you seemed to like mine. You can berate me some more out in the fresh air. Or send me away and shut the door in my face. Maybe I deserve that.”
Whatever the truth, I can’t do that to him. He’s just a guy. A hot guy. With a commitment phobia. I just have to stop myself falling for him so fast, now I know the likely outcome.
Can I enjoy a day out with him? And nothing more? Use him to get over Patrick, and then move on myself after a few weeks, knowing it won’t go any further, no matter what I do?
I have my doubts. Flynn has already knocked all regrets about Patrick out of my head. How can that be when I was engaged for a year, for goodness’ sake? Was I all caught up in wedding fever? No, it was more than that. I know it was. But this is just different. I have no clue how.
“Just friends, okay?” I say, trying to get the principle straight in my head. “Anyway, we have a date at the hospital if you’re still up for it. Lisa says we can visit the kids on Saturday afternoon if you’re free.”
He nods. “Good. I’ll check the shifts at work. You never work Saturdays, right?”
“Right.” One advantage of my office admin job.
I pick up my coat again, and he helps me on with it. The effect of his nearness on me already kills the friend thing, but I can’t help that.
On the way to the beach, he makes a few attempts at polite conversation about the news and music on the radio, and I answer like a perfectly poised adult. But my insides are like jelly.
I want to ask him what happened when he was called into work yesterday. Did he have any fires to fight, any people to rescue? Did he manage to sleep? But the minute I think about it, I remember the restaurant and the scene in the kitchen, and it hurts nothing was as it seemed.
I feel bad enough after only one date. A few weeks and I might never recover.
I look over into the back of the car where Jackson is lying with his head on his paws. Life is so simple for dogs. Lucky dogs.
“How long have you had him?” I ask.
“About seven years. I got him when I first became a firefighter. He’s been through a lot with me.”
I resist the urge to ask how many girls have been on walks with him.
At the beach, the seagulls are making squalling noises, circling above our heads.
“I thought the sun might stay out a bit longer, but there could be a storm brewing,” Flynn says. “We should get walking while it’s still fair. There’s a cafe along the bay if it rains.”
As if I don’t know any better, I want Flynn to hold my hand as we walk along the sand, but he doesn’t attempt to touch me. It seems he’s taking “just friends” seriously, even though I already know I can’t do that.
He throws a ball for Jackson, who runs about fetching it over and over, never tiring of the game.
“How do you know Lisa?” Flynn asks. “You two seem quite close.”
“I’ve known her since I was five and we moved next door. I think we only lived there about five or six years before my parents decided to move again, but by then nothing could separate Lisa and me. We went through high school together and then college. What about you and Doug?”
“We’ve been on the same crew at the station since I began there. He’s a good guy. He means well, anyway.”
“Are you saying he’s a good guy, but he doesn’t tell the truth?” I should stop going on about this, but I can’t seem to help myself, like a scab you can’t help scratching and making worse.
“No, I’m not saying Doug’s lying. I used to laugh about the guys taking bets. But around three weeks into a relationship, I’d catch myself thinking, ‘Do I want to stick with this woman for the rest of my life?’ There was always something that said to me, ‘No, you might as well let her down gently now rather than go on and on just because you like her, and she seems to like you.’ To be honest, quite a few of those relationships could have turned into something more, but they weren’t special, you know? We would have ended up drifting apart eventually, but I didn’t want to settle for that. Is that what happened with you and your ex?”
I think for a moment. “It didn’t feel like that at the time, but maybe it was just as well we broke up before the wedding and not after it. Lisa’s aunt always said she knew as she walked down the aisle in her big meringue of a dress that she should not have been marrying the man at the altar. But too many things had been organized, too much money spent, too many people had come from far and wide so she felt she couldn’t say, ‘Stop, this isn’t right.’
“I never felt like that with Patrick. Even when I had my suspicions about him and my friend, he was always reassuring me. He told me he was just being friendly, and it was all in my imagination. And like a sucker, I believed him. Or I did until I caught them together when I came home early from a training seminar.” I shudder. The less I remember about that particular scene the better.
“Had you already planned your wedding?”
“Yes, it was going to be February next year, Valentine’s Day.”
“Romantic.”
“Not now. Worst idea ever, because it’s a day you can’t really get away from. It doesn’t just slip away unobtrusively on the calendar like other dates might. It will be in every store window for weeks, reminding me as soon as the Christmas decorations come down.”
“Did you say you worked in the same place as your ex?”
“Yes. The girl he ended up with—my so-called friend—worked there too. HR lay down the rules against employees getting together. But it happens. I left and got a better job anyway, so I’m not working with either of them anymore.”
He takes my hand then, but he doesn’t look at me. I try not to read too much into it. He’s probably feeling sorry for me. “Promise never to become a firefighter and join our crew,” he says.
“I’m pretty sure they are not looking for office administrators with bookke
eping skills, but if they are, I promise I’ll never apply.”
“Good,” he says, and walks away, throwing the ball for Jackson again.
I stand there watching him. Wondering. Confused.
The rain starts to fall then, small drops at first, and the sky darkens as if it’s scowling at us.
“Time for a coffee?” he asks, taking my hand again, and I let him, and smile.
It’s a truce of sorts. But it feels like it’s more than that.
CHAPTER 16
Flynn
I tie Jackson’s lead to a post in the sheltered area outside the cafe. “Sorry you can’t come in.” I give him a treat from my pocket and stroke him behind his ear. He rubs himself against my leg.
“You could bring him back to my place instead if you like,” Rachel says.
“Or I could show you my house?”
“Your evil lair.” She smiles.
“The very same. Though I never invite the women I date back there. Friends and family only.”
She raises her eyebrows and laughs. Does she know I think of her as more than a friend, even though we only made the friends rule today?
“Don’t your dates wonder why they never get to see your place? And angle for an invitation?”
“They do, but they don’t succeed. I have a list of ready-made excuses up my sleeve. Most of them being I live in a complete pigsty, and I can’t invite anyone there. I tell them they would be turned off in an instant.”
“Is that why you’re inviting me?”
“No. Not at all.” I kiss her on the nose. I love the sprinkling of freckles she has there.
“In that case, I can’t wait to see your pigsty.”
Jackson is happy to have his lead untied, and we drive home.
*
I hope I set this up so Rachel isn’t expecting too much. My cottage is just on the edge of town, easy walking for everything, but not so close the neighbors are right on top of me.
We go in the back door, and I let Jackson into the utility room so he can have a drink and vacuum up his dinner as he always does after a good walk. I take Rachel through the kitchen and open the door into the living room.