by Marie Landry
His dark eyebrows inch up. “Stubborn? Me?” He smiles softly, wryly, after the words are out, telling me he knows it’s true. “Believe it or not, I’ve gotten better, especially over the last year. I’ve worked hard to release my need to control everything. That being said, a day like today makes those tendencies rear their head, and shows me I still have work to do.”
“Is there any particular reason for that? Old habits dying hard? Or are you stressed about this being the first official Perry Thanksgiving in years?”
“Should I lie on the couch for this session, Doctor?”
Gotta say, Sarcastic Jasper still surprises and delights me. “Ha ha,” I say dryly. “We don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to know I understand. In my case, my need for control stems from anxiety.”
He eyes me with a steady, searching gaze. After several seemingly endless seconds, he gives a little nod and glances down, swirling his drink and making the ice clink against the glass. “Part of me can’t help but wonder if this will be our last holiday together as a family.”
“Why do you think that?” I ask.
“Now that Malcolm and Sherée have baby Elizabeth, I’m not sure they’ll want to do our usual Christmas get-together. Perhaps they’ll want to start their own traditions or simply be on their own, just the three of them. I wouldn’t blame them if that were the case.” He pauses to take a sip of his drink. “For so many years, those Christmases were our only time together. I imagine the others didn’t particularly want to do it, but they knew our parents would want us to be together. Despite the family dynamics changing this past year and all of us being closer, I still worry. It’s already different with Hadley not here. I was disappointed she chose to be away for the holiday, although I’d never want to stop her from living her own life.”
“That’s understandable.” I wish I could move closer to Jasper. Sit beside him and take his hand or, at the very least, touch him in some way to show him he’s cared for and not alone. I have to remind myself I’m the touchy-feely one, not Jasper, and my penchant for physical contact as a form of comfort might not be welcome.
He has that faraway look in his eyes he sometimes gets as he says, “I always thought I’d be married by this point, maybe with a family of my own. But here I am, at forty, and my siblings are surpassing me in life milestones.”
“That’s such a social construct, though,” I say. “I remember feeling panicky when I turned thirty and wasn’t married yet, even though I had a serious boyfriend at the time. It actually took my breakup a year or so later to make me see how ridiculous I’d been. Just because our paths in life are different from what some people consider the norm doesn’t make them wrong.”
Jasper murmurs something that sounds like, “You’re right,” but it’s so soft I’m not sure if I imagined it.
“I get it, though,” I say. “With the exception of Marisol, all my friends are married, getting married, or in serious relationships. It can be hard not to feel like the odd one out sometimes. And I imagine there’s an extra layer of emotion when you’re the oldest sibling watching all your younger brothers and sisters have the lives you thought you’d have by now.”
The shadows clear from his eyes and he looks almost…relieved? “Yes. That’s it exactly, Willow.”
I smile at him and his lips curve the tiniest bit in response. “You know, my former therapist, the one I saw here in Toronto, always reminded me change is a natural and inevitable part of life. So, while your family holidays might look different from now on, you’ll figure it out. Plenty of huge families find a way to make it work. Maybe it’ll just be dinner together instead of a week-long affair. At least you’ll still be together. Or maybe you do one big family thing and then smaller get-togethers, like you going to Evan and Gwen’s or Malcolm and Sherée inviting you to stay for a weekend. Or you, Lina, and Hadley going away somewhere together and having a singles weekend.”
One side of his mouth twitches. I wonder if he’s imagining that last suggestion the way I am now. I have a feeling Hadley wouldn’t love the idea, so I hope if Jasper ever mentions it to her, he leaves my name out of it.
“Thank you, Willow. You’re right about everything. I’ve never been the best at adapting, but I’m seeing perhaps it’s time to learn. Consider it yet another form of stepping outside my comfort zone.”
“There you go. You’ll get there, Jasper. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
He makes a humming noise and settles further into his chair, crossing one leg over the other and leaning his head back. His eyes slip closed and then pop open again. “Would you think I’m terribly dull and an awful host if I turned in now? I had such an early start and I’m—” He pauses, covering his mouth as a yawn shudders through him. He gives his head a little shake, looking sheepish. “I’m so sorry. It’s been a long day. Wonderful, but long.” He gives me a sleepy smile that makes me want to crawl into his lap and cuddle him.
“I don’t mind at all. I think I might go to bed soon myself, but I’d like to unwind a bit more first.”
“Of course, whatever you like.” He gets up and takes his glass to the kitchen. The sound of clinking reaches my ears, and I picture him washing his glass and putting it away. When he returns, he says, “Please make yourself at home. Help yourself to anything, watch TV, peruse my bookshelves.”
He’s back to Formal Jasper all of a sudden. He’s being the courteous host while all I want to do is ask him to take me to bed with him. I take a sip of wine and get to my feet. Part of me thinks this is my chance to make a move. We’re finally alone, I’m spending the night in his apartment, we’ve just had an intense heart to heart. I could reveal my feelings for him or simply step forward, press my body against his, and tilt my face upward until there’s no mistaking my intent.
As much as I want that, Jasper seems almost vulnerable right now. I don’t want to lay more at his feet or risk having this turn into something incredibly awkward when we still have tomorrow to get through. So I put myself firmly in the Friend Zone and say, “I’m not sure if I can sleep without a room full of Funko Pops watching me.”
Confusion flickers over Jasper’s face, followed quickly by a soft chuckle. “I’m afraid I can’t help you there.”
I give a ‘what can you do?’ shrug. “Good night, Jasper. Thanks for everything today.”
He surprises me by closing the distance between us and wrapping his arms around me. I expect it to be a quick hug, but he doesn’t let go immediately, so I don’t either. I close my eyes and breathe him in, noticing the hints of cinnamon and sage mixed in with his usual subtle cologne. His grip loosens and he releases me slowly, his hands lingering on my waist.
We stare at each other for a moment that feels like an eternity. His face is close to mine, just a breath away. It would be so easy to lean forward the tiniest bit and brush my lips against his. Without meaning to, my gaze flicks down to his mouth. That small movement seems to shake Jasper from his stupor. His hands fall abruptly from my waist and he steps back.
“Good night, Willow,” he says, his voice barely more than a whisper. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to come get me.” He takes a few slow steps toward the hallway where the bedrooms are and then stops, turning back. “I’m sorry we didn’t get much time together today. Alone, I mean. I was wondering…”
My heart gives a hopeful jolt when he pauses. “Yes?”
“I’ve planned a special surprise for Gwen and Evan this coming week. I’ve arranged everything and they’ve booked the time off work. I know it’s last minute, but I was wondering if perhaps you’d like to accompany us? We’d leave on Wednesday and return on Thursday. I’ve booked accommodation and you’d have your own room.”
My mouth opens and closes wordlessly. “Do I get any more details than that?”
Jasper’s mouth screws up to one side as he thinks it over. After a moment, a slow smile takes over his face. “No, I don’t think so. Consider it a surprise for you too.”
Taking
two days off in the middle of the week when I’ll be taking all of next weekend off for the wedding won’t be easy, especially on such short notice. In my head, Marisol’s voice overrides my concerns: ‘You’re the boss, remember? You can do whatever you want’.
A surprise. An overnight getaway with Jasper. I can’t remember the last time I did something spontaneous. “Okay. Count me in for this mystery adventure.”
Jasper’s smile turns into a full-blown grin that makes my heart leap again and sends butterflies skittering through my belly. “Wonderful. We’ll talk more tomorrow about what you should bring and what time I’ll pick you up on Wednesday.” Without another word, he gives me a nod and a wave, then disappears down the hall.
The soft click of his bedroom door closing makes me realize I’m still standing in the middle of the living room. I wander around the room, taking in the framed family photos and the books on the shelves. I brush my fingers over his fancy Canon camera, which he brought out earlier, along with a tripod. He told me he bought it a few years ago and rarely uses it except for family photos. I pointed out photography would be a good hobby for him and Cabbagetown in the autumn is a photographer’s dream.
Under the camera is a pad of paper with ‘Yearly Christmas Newsletter’ written at the top in neat handwriting, followed by bullet point notes on each Perry sibling. Gwen saw me looking at it earlier and explained that Jasper sends out a newsletter in his Christmas cards each year. When I questioned why he’d start writing it in mid-October, she gave me a sardonic look and reminded me this was Jasper we were talking about. “He’ll have it sent out by mid-November, I’m sure,” she’d said with an affectionate smile.
Continuing around the room, I imagine Jasper here in the evenings and on weekends. He told me once he doesn’t watch much TV unless Hadley is here, so I picture him reading, maybe doing puzzles, listening to music. Is he lonely or is he so used to being alone it doesn’t faze him? What would it be like to be here with him for more than a weekend? To be together not only in the physical ‘being here’ sense, but also ‘building a life’ sense?
I shake my head and give my forehead a quick smack for good measure. Jasper has never given any indication he thinks of me as anything other than a friend. I’ve ventured into dangerous one-sided crush territory where I’m fantasizing about having a life with Jasper while he’s happy to have a new friend. Even if something did happen between us, my life is in Bellevue and Jasper’s life is here in Toronto. This city is too much for me now—too big, too noisy, too polluted. It represents the version of me who needed to run away and figure things out. It served its purpose as the place that allowed me to hide out for a while when my life fell apart, but I’m finished hiding now. I’m building a new life on my terms.
I wonder if coming to Toronto was Jasper’s version of running away and hiding once Evan and Hadley moved out on their own. He seems so much better suited to a smaller city like Bellevue. Whatever his reason, this is clearly his home now, and I can’t see him leaving, even if he is unhappy with his job. Hadley has only been living with him for a short time, so he wouldn’t want to leave her hanging. And I know he enjoys being close to Malcolm, Sherée, and baby Elizabeth, plus Lina is here in the city.
I need to stop this train of thought before it gets carried away. I suppose it’s natural to fantasize about these things since I’m in Jasper’s home, surrounded by the evidence of his life. Because of that, I’d probably be better off in Hadley’s nondescript, completely impersonal bedroom.
So I top up my wine and head down the hall, only pausing outside Jasper’s door for a second before shutting myself away in Hadley’s room.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I feel like I’ve only been asleep for a few minutes when something startles me awake. My eyes pop open and it takes me a few seconds to orient myself, despite the soft glow of my travel night light across the room. A quick glance at the glowing numbers on Hadley’s bedside clock tell me it’s just past midnight, which means I’ve been asleep for a little over an hour.
A flash of lightning illuminates the room, making me suck in a sharp breath. I’m still blinking from the sudden brightness when thunder rumbles, vibrating the walls. I flop back in bed, trying to regulate my unsteady breathing. Deep breath in through the nose, slow breath out through the mouth, just like my therapist taught me when I was a teenager.
The breath freezes in my lungs at a sound outside the bedroom door. That wasn’t the storm. My heart kicks into overdrive as I sit up in bed, clutching the sheets to my chest. Someone is moving around in the hallway. While the sensible part of my brain tells me it’s Jasper, the irrational part is flooding my body with adrenaline that’s making my fight or flight instincts kick in.
Heavy footfalls sound outside the door. Jasper wouldn’t make that much noise…unless he’s sleepwalking? Or has forgotten I’m here? If it’s not Jasper, you wouldn’t think someone would stomp around after breaking in. Still. I throw back the covers and crawl out the far side of the bed, scanning the area for anything I can use as a weapon. A quick peek under the bed shows no room for me to shimmy underneath to hide. My eyes go to the closet. Memories of a dark night from my childhood scream through my mind and I snap my eyes shut, pushing the images away. I need to keep my wits about me.
I’ve just taken a step toward the closet when the bedroom door flies open. Lightning blazes through the room, shining like a spotlight on the person in the doorway. It’s like something out of a horror movie, as is the scream that rips out of me. A scream that’s echoed by the person standing at the door.
“What the fuck!” Hadley screeches, flipping on the overhead light and temporarily blinding me.
“I could ask you the same thing!” I yell, shielding my eyes and blinking away colorful spots.
A deafening boom of thunder has us both screeching again. The sound is followed by what I initially think is another clap of thunder but quickly realize is Jasper’s door flying open and hitting the wall.
“What in the blazes is going on?” he asks, stumbling into view behind his sister. “Hadley? What are you doing home?”
With a groan, Hadley leans heavily against the wall, clutching her head. “It’s a long story and I’m very drunk and I just want to go to sleep, but I seem to have stumbled into the real-life version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears because someone was sleeping in my bed.”
It takes my brain a minute to catch up with her slightly slurred string of words. Now that I know I’m safe and not about to be murdered in Hadley’s bed, I’m experiencing an adrenaline crash: wobbly legs, roiling stomach, and exhaustion. “You can have your bed and I’ll go sleep on the couch.”
Hadley stumbles forward and falls face first onto the bed. She mumbles what sounds like ‘thanks, sorry, good night’ as I join Jasper at the door.
“Sorry about that,” Jasper whispers, turning off the light and ushering me from the room. “Let’s get you set up on the couch.” His hand settles on the small of my back as he leads me down the dark hallway. The storm rages on outside. I’m grateful for the continued flashes of lightning that illuminate the hall, otherwise I might embarrass myself by asking Jasper to hold my hand.
“Are you all right?” he asks quietly when we reach the living room. “You’re trembling.”
We finally make it to the couch, which means I can let my shaky legs give out. I flop down, letting out a sigh of relief that has Jasper appearing even more concerned. Rather than answer his question directly, I say, “Will you sit with me for a minute?”
“Of course.” When he sinks down beside me, I inch closer to him until our sides are pressed together. Needing comfort, I silence the voice that tells me not to get too close. A second later, Jasper puts his arm around me. “Are you afraid of storms?”
“Not usually, although I think I will be now.” I laugh weakly. “Can you turn on the lamp?”
His chin brushes the top of my head as he nods. He shifts away to turn on the lamp on the end table, and I resist the
urge to move with him. The full warmth of Jasper’s body returns a second later, the arm around me holding on tighter than before. I can’t seem to get my body to stop shaking, and now my eyelids are so heavy it’s a struggle to keep them open. I expect Jasper to ask again if I’m okay, especially when I lean more of my weight against him, but he just loosens his grip and shifts his hand to my back, where he rubs slow circles.
“Do you think you can sleep now?” he asks a while later, his warm breath brushing against my cheek. At my nod, he gives me a little squeeze and releases me. “I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket.”
He’s barely a few feet away when a flash of lightning floods the room, followed almost immediately by an earthshaking boom. The sudden brightness forces my eyes shut. When I open them again, the room is pitch dark. The air squeezes from my lungs as I rocket off the couch, reaching out blindly. My voice sounds high and childlike when I call Jasper’s name.
“Here, I’m right here.” His voice is calm and soothing as it moves toward me. I jump when his hands brush my arms and move to grip my shoulders. My grasping hands meet his chest and fist in his sleep shirt. “Let’s just give it a minute to see if the power comes back on.”
We wait in silence for what seems like forever but is probably only a minute or two. I keep my eyes trained on the faint outline of Jasper in front of me, grateful for every flare of lightning that brightens the room, even though they make me jump each time. Finally, Jasper says, “Why don’t I go get a flashlight?”
“Don’t leave me!” I yelp, tightening my grip on his shirt.
“Okay. Okay.” The hands on my shoulders give a gentle squeeze. “We can stay here together or you can come with me to find a flashlight. It’s up to you.”
“Flashlight,” I say quickly. “I can’t stay in the dark.”
He pries my hands from the front of his shirt. I wish I could see his face right now, although maybe it’s better I can’t since I’d hate for him to be looking at me with pity. With my hand firmly in his, he guides me from the living room and down the hall. His steps are slow and sure; it makes me wonder if he has amazing night vision or just knows his apartment well enough to navigate it in the pitch dark.