by A. M. Arthur
“I’ll wait for you in the lobby,” Colt said. He kissed Avery again, then whispered in his ear, “Listen to her, babe.”
He hated leaving Avery behind, but this was definitely a conversation Avery and Violet needed to have without Colt listening in. His job now was to be there for Avery when they were finished. He wandered into the lobby to wait and debated grabbing a drink at the bar. No, he needed to keep his wits about him. He had no idea how Avery would react to the news about his birth father.
Colt couldn’t imagine learning something so damning about one of his parents so late in life. Then again, both of his parents were pretty straightforward people. Married young, good Protestant folk who never missed a Sunday service. Mom raised the kids and cooked meals, while Dad tended the ranch and earned a living. Dyed in the wool republican voters.
And for the first time in a long time, Colt missed them like crazy.
* * *
Avery eyeballed Violet as she lit up a cigarette. He truly hated that habit, but it wasn’t his place to criticize her for it. And it bothered him much less than knowing she’d told Colt something personal when twenty minutes ago, she’d been giving them both the stink eye.
“What do you need to say to me that you haven’t already said?” Avery asked.
“I’m sorry,” Violet replied.
He startled. In his life, Avery could count on one hand the number of times Violet had apologized to him for any reason. “Sorry for what, exactly?”
“Two specific things right now. First, I’m sorry for how I’ve acted about you dating a man. It’s unfair to judge someone I don’t know, and Colt seems quite lovely.”
“Colt’s amazing. And I accept your apology, thank you. Does this mean you’re going to give us a chance?”
“I am. I never should have doubted your heart. I should have trusted you’d find a partner worthy of you, no matter their gender.”
“Thank you, Mom.” Avery relaxed as relief washed through him. “What’s the second thing?”
Violet took a long drag on her cigarette, then slowly blew out the smoke. Stalling. “Your mom and I always told you that your father was a mistake, someone who was in and out of your lives, and who didn’t matter.”
This was about his birth father? Avery tensed, every sense on high alert. “Okay.”
“Those things are mostly true. She only knew your birth father for a few weeks before she got pregnant, so they did what they thought was right at the time and got married.”
Avery’s mouth fell open. “They were married?”
“For less than a year.”
“But…no one ever told me they were married!” That wasn’t someone who floated in and out of your life. That wasn’t a one-night stand, or a mistake. Avery didn’t know what to think or say, he was so upside down.
“That was your mom’s choice, honey, and I respected it. And as you got older, you never asked for details, so I never thought it was important. No sense in bringing up the past, right?”
“So why are you bringing it up now? Why did they get a divorce? Why did my father leave?”
Violet winced. “He ran off with his secretary when you were two months old. Your mother divorced him on abandonment grounds.”
Avery could have happily lived the rest of his life knowing absolutely nothing of his sperm donor, especially not this. His biological father had left him and his mother behind for another woman. He’d completely abandoned his infant son. “He didn’t stay in contact at all? Not even for me?”
“No. I’m so sorry, Avery.”
That hurt. A lot. His heart ached in a way he’d never felt before. Not as horrible as when Colt left him the first time, but similar. For some reason, Avery hadn’t been good enough of a son for his own father to stay.
“I hate that I helped put that look on your face, honey.” Violet reached for him, but Avery avoided her attempt at a hug.
“Then why bring it up at all?” Avery snapped.
“Your bio father’s actions have strongly influenced my own in recent years, and I realized I wasn’t giving you and Colt a chance because I was scared. You and Mike are my only real family, and I couldn’t bear to lose you.”
“How will you lose me if I’m with Colt?”
“I’m scared of losing you to a very hateful world. I’ve seen gay friends get bashed, I’ve seen the stories on the news. For all of our progress with marriage equality, it is still a frightening time to be gay. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
“But Mom, you could just as easily lose me from a plane crash as a gay bashing.”
“I know, and I think I better understand that now. Fear isn’t always rational when it comes to protecting your kid. After I talked this out with Colt, he urged me to tell you so he didn’t have to.”
“No one likes to be the bearer of bad news.”
“It was my place to tell you about your father, anyway. You deserved to hear it from me. I loved your mom so much, Avery, and you’re part of her. We’re family and all I want is for you to be happy.”
Avery’s eyes stung, but he refused to cry in front of Violet. “We are family. I appreciate you finally telling me the truth.”
“Colt intimated you might be interested in contacting your father. If you do, I remember his name, but I have no idea where he lives.”
“I don’t know. I, um, think I need time to sit with this.”
“Of course. Are we okay, Avery?”
He offered his mother a watery smile. “We will be. I need to find Colt.”
“Go. Find your boyfriend.”
That those words finally fell from Violet’s lips meant the world to Avery. He dropped a quick kiss on her cheek as he passed, determined to get to Colt before the ball of emotion squeezing his heart tore out of him in the form of tears. Colt was pacing just inside the lobby, the first few buttons of his shirt undone, sleeves rolled up. He looked wrecked himself, and Avery didn’t think. He flung himself into Colt’s arms and held on for dear life.
“I’m so sorry,” Colt whispered. Over and over, while his hands rubbed soothing circles across Avery’s back. “I love you, and I’m so sorry.”
Avery’s chest heaved and he pressed his face into Colt’s neck. Colt got them moving, and soon they were sitting on one of the lobby’s couches. Someone came over and asked if they were all right, and Avery was pretty sure they offered to bring them water from the bar. Didn’t matter. All that mattered was Colt’s strong arms, his familiar aftershave, and the comforting warmth all around him.
Colt nudged a bottle of water into his hand, so Avery sipped it to soothe his dry mouth. “I can’t believe what she told me,” he whispered.
“About your father? It’s intense.”
“I don’t know how to feel about it.”
“Give yourself time to absorb it, Avery. It’s a huge thing to learn about your own past.”
Avery closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Colt’s shoulder. “How do you absorb the fact that your own father didn’t want you?”
Colt released a long sigh. “I don’t know. Family is so fucking complicated.”
“You’re telling me.” He straightened and smoothed out his shirt. “I suppose it’s rude to leave so soon, but I don’t believe I’m in the party mood any longer.”
“Then let’s go make our excuses to your grandparents. We can tell them I feel a migraine coming on, if they ask why.”
“You don’t get migraines.”
Colt winked. “I can fake one for you.”
“Thank you for this. I’m glad Violet is coming around, but I really wish I didn’t know what I learned today.”
“I know. Come on, let’s blow this Popsicle stand.”
Avery smiled without feeling it and let Colt pull him to his feet, lead him back to the ballroom where many of the guests were danci
ng. Avery tugged against Colt, until his boyfriend stopped. “One dance first,” Avery said. “Please? We never have.”
“Okay.” Colt’s shy smile did funny things to Avery’s insides. “I have to warn you, I can burn it up in a club, but I’m not very good with, like, real dancing. And I don’t know swing at all.”
“Then we’ll wait for a slow one.”
They did exactly that. Watching couples of all ages both perfectly perform swing, and also suck terribly at it, amused Avery through two more songs, until something slow and romantic came on. He led Colt to the edge of the dance floor, wrapped his arms around his waist, and swayed to the beat of the music. They danced in a slow circle, and Avery let his negative emotions bleed out, replacing them with love and joy over doing this new thing with Colt.
Colt pressed his forehead to Avery’s, so Avery closed his eyes and existed in the moment. One single perfect moment in time. A memory to look back on when he felt down, or when he inevitably missed Colt again.
When the song ended and the real world returned, Avery opened his eyes and spotted Violet dancing nearby with Mike, both of them smiling in their direction.
“Ready to leave?” Colt asked.
“Yes. Let’s.”
Gloria and Maxwell were gracious about them ducking out early, and Gloria even teased them about being “freshly in love and needing your alone time.” Which was true, but not for the reason she thought.
Instead of the hotel, though, Avery got on the I-8 freeway and took them both to Point Loma, one of his favorite places in San Diego. He loved the cliffs of rock overlooking the water, the rhythmic crashing of waves, and the salty scent of the ocean. The gray, misty day left his skin damp and his clothes sticky by the time they reached the point, but Avery didn’t care.
He stared out at the blue-gray expanse, at the sun slowly reaching for the horizon on its trip to another day on the other side of the world. The one thing that never, ever changed was that the sun set over the ocean for him, every single day. That stayed the same, no matter how much his own past could change with one small conversation. Colt stayed close, his fingers occasionally brushing Avery’s. With the cool, rainy weather, the area wasn’t crowded, but they still weren’t alone.
Avery took Colt’s hand, anyway.
“I feel like I should be angry with my mother for lying to me,” Avery said. “Violet and my birth mother. But I’m not. My birth mom was horribly hurt by someone she loved and trusted, and then she was abandoned with an infant. How can I judge her for the choices she made?”
“You’re allowed to feel any way you want to feel, babe. You can be angry or sad. You can hate her for a little while, or you can forgive her. Either her.”
“I’m not mad at Violet anymore. Yes, she went overboard with the protective mom thing, but my bio dad broke their hearts. I was prepared to lose Violet over our relationship, and instead, she gave me her truth and she’s going to try. I can’t be upset with her for that.”
“So who are you upset with?” Colt asked softly.
“The asshole who left me behind.” Avery allowed a few of those frustrated tears to fall. “The father who left his son for a lover, and who never bothered to stay in my life. How do you do that to your own kid?”
“I wish I knew why parents turned on their kids.”
Colt’s grief coldly reminded Avery that Colt had, in his own way, been abandoned by his family for choosing a different life than the one he’d been born into. If Colt had stayed behind and taken over the ranch like his father had demanded, Colt would have spent his entire adult life denying who he was inside. Denying his sexuality and his desires, living half a life, instead of the whole life he’d found at Clean Slate Ranch. The whole, fulfilling life he’d found with Avery as his Dom and partner.
“Who your bio dad is doesn’t change who you are,” Colt said. “Any more than my family turning their backs on me changes who I am. Or who we are when we’re together.”
“I know.” Avery leaned in so their shoulders touched. “And I honestly don’t have the mental energy to be angry at a man I’ve never met, and who I never will meet. I don’t care who he is today, I got where I am without him. I will continue to live a happy life without him.”
“Good for you.”
Colt’s voice was so uncertain that it hit all of Avery’s inner Dom buttons.
“But?” Avery asked.
“But it’s easier to find closure with a man you’ve never met. When you remember intimate details about a person, it’s harder to forget they existed or were part of your life.”
Ah, I get it.
“You’re thinking of contacting your family, aren’t you?”
Colt angled toward him, uncertainty in his blue eyes. “I’m not sure. I guess there’s this sappy piece of my heart that hopes I can waltz onto that ranch and into open arms, but the cynical side of my heart thinks they’ll just slam the door in my face. Or worse.”
Avery worried about the “or worse” part, too, especially since Colt’s family was in Texas, a deep-red state. “Tell me why you’re considering this visit?”
“Closure, I guess. My father whipped my ass after catching me with another boy in the hay loft, so I know he won’t approve of our relationship, but I left four siblings behind, all younger. I guess I hope some of them grew up to be kind, tolerant people, and maybe we could still have a relationship of some sort.”
“You know I’ll support whatever decision you make, Colt. If you want to fly home and visit, I’ll go with you, whether it’s just to a hotel, or all the way to the ranch. Tell me what I can do?”
“You’re doing it. To be honest, before this anniversary party, I hadn’t given any real thought to going back. I love my life, even the challenges of loving you long distance. But seeing Mike’s family together and enjoying themselves… I can’t help wondering how many weddings and birthday parties I’ve missed. If I have nieces and nephews I’ve never met. Are my parents still alive and healthy? Now I can’t stop wondering. I could look online, but only doing that feels like a cop-out. Like if I really want to know, I should find out in person.”
“Then let’s find out.” Avery gave his hand a squeeze. “We’ll plan a trip, you and me, and we’ll go see them together. Your family can accept who you are or not. And no matter what they say or do, you are loved. By me, by your family at the ranch. You aren’t alone, Colt. You never have to be again.”
“Thank you.” A single tear rolled down Colt’s cheek.
Avery wiped it away, then kissed his boyfriend, sealing his promise the best way he knew how. They had a new challenge to face as a couple, and Avery would see Colt through this visit one way or another. Even if Colt’s family turned their collective backs, Colt wouldn’t be alone in dealing with it.
His boyfriend deserved nothing less.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Every employee at Clean Slate was in a vacation week rotation, so everyone got a week off at least twice a year, plus the time off around Christmas and New Year’s. Colt’s next scheduled vacation was the second week in February, and Avery didn’t have any out-of-state consultations, so they planned a three-day Texas vacation. Colt’s family lived in a small town about an hour south of Amarillo, so they’d fly in there Sunday morning, spend some time exploring, and then head out to the family ranch the next day. After they flew home, they’d hang in Los Angeles until Colt had to return to Clean Slate on Saturday.
Now that he’d made the decision to go, Colt gave himself permission to spend his free time stalking said family on social media, because he didn’t want to be surprised. All of his siblings had varied accounts, some of them friends-only, others public, so he was able to find out that they still had Sunday dinners at the house as a family. Both of his sisters were married with kids, and his oldest younger brother had taken over the ranch, with Father still consulting. Seemed to be still single.
His other brother was married, one kid.
Parents still alive and together, which pleased Colt. He didn’t wish them ill and never had, not even when Colt was at his angriest. All he’d ever wanted was to live his life, but also make them proud. He’d succeeded at the former; time would tell with the latter.
Colt met Avery at LAX at nine in the morning for their connecting flight to Amarillo. It had only been two weeks since the anniversary party, but Colt’s heart still raced a mile a minute the instant he spotted Avery in their boarding area. He settled for a warm hug and kiss on the cheek, because Avery was still funny about public displays of affection, and Colt never wanted to embarrass his partner by overstepping.
“You look scared to death,” Avery said once they’d both settled into seats to wait for their boarding numbers to be called.
“I am a little,” Colt replied. “It’s been sixteen years. A lifetime. From what I can tell from stalking them all, everyone is still in the area and seems nice. I mean, no blatant liberal bashing or homophobic stuff, but they also aren’t all public accounts, so I don’t know.”
“You’re going to worry yourself into an anxiety attack, love. Take some deep breaths, and stop thinking about it for a while.”
“Now you sound like my therapist.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment, since your therapist agreed this visit was a good idea, and that you need the closure. Now let’s concentrate on being tourists together. We don’t have to think about your family until tomorrow.”
Easier said than done.
Colt complied with his Dom’s gentle orders, though, and by the time they boarded the plane, his stomach was less of a tangled mess. He wouldn’t have turned down a few shots of bourbon, though, to completely calm his nerves. Colt listened to music, while Avery read, and eventually they touched down in Texas—the first time Colt had been back since fleeing for the bright lights of Hollywood.
He’d purposely not worn his typical cowboy boots and hat, choosing simple sneakers and a bare head, instead. And in some ways, he was glad, because the airport terminal was swarming with people in boots and hats, wide belt buckles, and worn jeans. Not everyone, obviously, but enough that Colt felt a bit like an alien in his own home county.