Catriona, one of the triplets who had been in my group, chanted an invocation in an ancient language, circling the body of one of our fallen. The words were unfamiliar; the intention was not. Catriona cycled through the five stages of grief, each section accompanied by a precise movement: the harsh tones of anger with foot stomps, the supplication of bargaining with her hands thrown wide to the stars. With acceptance, her voice fell to a hush. Crouching down, she scooped up a handful of leaves and sprinkled it over her friend.
From another part of the forest, another witch chanted over another lost comrade. Then Raquel did it for Henri, a Rasha for whom Mahmud clearly grieved. Again and again, the women chanted until every single one of our dead had been claimed and mourned.
Little by little, the night sky lightened, almost as if these invocations were banishing the darkness and infusing our world with color: faint pinks and purples that crescendoed with the last of the chants until we stood in the hush of sunlight.
That’s when I was noticed, standing by myself at the back, thankfully no longer a crispy freak show.
Hex Factor looked at me expectantly.
I stood on a stump. “Somebody once told me that to win this fight, I had to strip away all emotion. I wish I could, I really do, because every single loss fucking hurts. What’s the plan here? Why does the universe require a balance of good and evil instead of being able to just stamp it out once and for all?”
Something crackled. Fire leaked out the bottom of my shoes, licking at my ankles. I wasn’t sure it was real until Bao kicked dirt at my feet.
I tamped down my rage and scrubbed a hand over my face. “It would be nice to face each new adversity believing that the ends justify the means. That the end matters, because the human race matters. Doing whatever it takes to keep evil at bay from the rest of humanity is our duty. I believe that with every fiber of my being, but I don’t want to diminish in any way what you’ve done here or what those who died, sacrificed to protect. Thank you doesn’t begin to cover it.”
Witches held hands, Rasha slung arms around each other’s shoulders. Everyone was grouped together in solidarity, looking to me to give them hope, when all I wanted to do was hide under a blanket.
I lifted my chin and gave them the comfort they deserved.
“This feels like a hollow victory. Maybe those are the only ones there truly are, I don’t know, but what we did mattered and these people didn’t die in vain.” I gave an awkward little half-bow, unsure of how to wrap this up.
Rohan’s rich whiskey baritone rang out with the first line of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” that k.d. lang had sang so beautifully at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. When he got to the first chorus of “hallelujahs,” everyone joined in and so it went for the entire song, Rohan singing the verses with all of us accompanying him for the choruses.
I’m not a religious person, and until this moment, I wouldn’t have said I was particularly spiritual, but singing in that forest after all we’d won and all we’d lost, this new and fragile community lifting their voices in unison, it was a moment touched by the divine.
The song finished and I sought Ro out, my eyes meeting his across the woods. The heart of my heart, he’d known exactly how to bolster me.
The love of my life broke our connection and spoke a few words to Ari. My brother replied, but at Ro’s insistent head shake, glanced back at me with a helpless shrug. The two of them stepped into the shadows and vanished.
Raquel asked for help in bringing the bodies back home to their families. I should have volunteered, but all I could think was, “Okay, Rohan. We’re doing this.”
“Is there an itemized list of things you’re pissed about right now,” I said, walking into our dorm room, “or did you just want to wing your grievances?”
He tugged off his shirt, rooting around in a drawer for a new one. “You failed to mention that Malik was going to ambush us.”
“Because I didn’t know that part. Give me some credit. I would never have withheld that from you.”
“Really.” He pulled off the shirt.
“Great, let’s get to what this is really about.” I scanned his body for visible wounds, but while he was bruised, there was nothing serious.
“I had to watch you die. You couldn’t have maybe warned me about that?” He threw the desk chair against the wall, splintering a leg.
Greater good, Nava.
“Your reaction had to be real.” Which was probably the exact reasoning Malik had used for not telling me about the ambush. Fuck. “The only way we stood any chance of Satan believing us was to make it seem like Malik had betrayed us and I’d slit my throat. A sleight-of-hand to distract Satan so he wouldn’t notice I was on the ward line to his throne and we had his blood to cut through it. I couldn’t let that strategy be common knowledge beforehand.”
“I’m ‘common knowledge?’” He did the quotes.
“No. You’re the person that means the most to me and out of everyone your reaction to my death had to be genuine. Satan had been keeping tabs on me. You think he didn’t know about us?”
He pulled on his shirt, not noticing or caring it was inside out. “I’d had years and years of stage practice. I could have faked it.”
I unclenched my jaw. “I had one second to convince the demon that had held the throne for a thousand years that I’d just killed myself and I wasn’t sure if he could sense my life force or not. That left me with one shot, your utter and absolute grief. I am truly sorry for putting you through that, but Malik is on the throne. He actually gives a damn about whether humans continue to exist, and he’s tripled the guards on the Gates of Alexander. We achieved our goal, so I won’t apologize for my strategy and I wouldn’t expect you to, either.”
“Tell yourself what you need to, sweetheart,” Ro sneered.
I balled up my fists. “Genuine emotion sells the moment. Drio was very clear about that.” That’s what I’d banked on. And that’s what had worked.
I just hadn’t counted on it costing so much.
“For the record,” I continued, “you were the one who made me promise to take your magic, even if it killed you, in order to keep humanity safe. ‘No matter the cost.’” I air-quoted right back at him.
“Don’t make me into some kind of hypocrite.” Rohan fired his dirty shirt into the makeshift garbage bag hamper like it was a grenade. “Yeah, I told you to do it. But we discussed it together. This was you, once again, making a unilateral decision.”
“What if I did? Men are raised to have it all, but let the little lady dare to be the final word?” I waved my hands around like that was a scary concept. “Suck it up, Rohan, because this is the new reality. I’ve got this power and that means I’m going to have a lot of tough decisions in my future.”
“Do you even hear yourself? What you’ve accomplished is nothing short of miraculous. You fought the odds and centuries of prejudice to bring Rasha and witches together and create a new community. You made an enormous difference. It’s your legacy and it’s a damn good one. But suddenly, you’re talking about tough decisions and acting like a general commanding her troops, deciding who gets what information. Not because you earned it through years of experience, but because of some unknown, unquantifiable magic.”
“You’re being irrational. And selfish.”
“I’m selfish because I want to spend my life with the woman I love and not with the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe? Jesus, Nava, I don’t trust anything inherited from Lilith and neither should you. Less than a day with this magic and it’s changed you.”
Our yells bounced off the walls. Even the Taylor Swift poster fell onto the ground.
“Damn straight it’s changed me. Esther said my flame was supposed to burn brightest and here I am, the goddamned sun, baby.” I picked up the poster and stuck it back to the wall, reining in my anger. “And for the record, I agonized over the decision to make you watch me die.”
“Yet you did.”
“The second you realized my death w
as a fake-out for the mission, you should have gotten over your anger and understood the why of it.” I took a deep breath. “You need help. Professional help because you’re stuck in the same script and it’s not something you can write a song about and move past. I love you beyond anything, but your emotional health can’t keep being this giant landmine we have to tiptoe around.”
A muscle in his jaw jumped. “Fuck you.” He stalked out of the room.
“Don’t walk out on me.” I ran into the hallway. “Stop!”
Rohan froze. Not of his own free will. He struggled to move but his feet were rooted to the ground. His back muscles tightened, straining and rigid but immovable.
That’s right. I’ll tell you when we’re fini—
I stumbled back, wrapped my arms around my body, and slammed my magic off. “I’m so sorry. You’re free.”
He overbalanced from the force of his effort to move, then caught himself and turned around slowly, his expression carved from granite. “How big of you.”
“I need to manage it better, I get that, but I would never hurt someone I love.”
He stared at me.
“Intentionally hurt.” The words sounded as hollow as they felt. This wasn’t the same as me faking my death for the greater good. I’d used my magic like a child having a tantrum. Was this the beginning of the slippery slope of me throwing my power around to get my way?
No, I wasn’t that person. I couldn’t be.
“After all the bad things you’ve experienced,” I said, “you got your music back. I will never have my dancing back, not the way you do, and that’s okay because I’ve worked so hard to become this amazing witch. I’ve changed and I’ve suffered and I’ve grown. So why haven’t I earned this magic? Are you really asking me to jettison a part of myself that could add real value to the world?”
“Not if this magic is on the level. I love you too much to do that to you. I want you to be truly happy. Truly yourself. But my gut is screaming at me that this is wrong.” Rohan raked a hand through his hair. “Maybe I do need help, but when it comes to us, I can’t be emotionally blindsided and all the therapy in the world isn’t going to change that. I can’t be put through the wringer because you deem it necessary for some higher purpose. It’ll break me.” His sad smile broke my heart. “But I will find a way to handle it, if you tell me how you see yourself fitting in with the new council.”
“I’ll work with them.”
“How? Are you going to lobby for a seat?”
Why was he hounding this point? “I don’t need to be on it.”
“Then what? You’ll march in and demand they do as you see fit? Will you force them if they don’t? Freeze them until they comply?”
“That was an accident,” I said.
“Was it? Or was it the effects of too much power, a perversion of magic, just like the ring?”
“You think I need to be destroyed?” My quiet words shook with unspoken forcefulness.
Rohan took a step back, a flash of fear crossing his face.
“No, Rohan. That’s not… Please. You promised me everything. This is everything. You and the power. You fucking lied to me if you can’t handle this.” My voice cracked.
A whisper of awareness brushed across my senses, a new ability to sense disturbance in the universe. My nostrils flared against the stench of rot.
Demon. Behind me.
I didn’t even think, flicking out a ball of flame to destroy the spawn.
Horror crossed my boyfriend’s face.
I whipped around. I’d incinerated the concrete floor, turning it to blackened ash.
On the edge of the charred circle lay a faux-Pokémon bracelet.
Farther down the corridor, Drio held Leo, shielding her from me with his body. His shirt was scorched away, a nasty burn running down his ribs.
Leo peeked out from behind him, shaking.
Drio shifted, blocking her from my view, his steely stare daring me to try something.
I glanced at Rohan.
“Ro?” My voice was too small.
He held up a hand to cut off anything else I might say and walked away.
I forced myself to face Leo, not sure how to find the words to apologize, but needing her to know that she didn’t have to be scared of me.
But it didn’t matter.
She and Drio were gone.
I was raw and flayed open, the physical and emotional fuckery of the past twenty-four hours laying me low. Add jumping time zones and realms, and I gave into my urge to hide under the covers.
“Nava?” My mom stepped into her darkened hallway outside our bedrooms.
My hand flew to my heart. “Mom. I thought you were still at Rivka’s.”
“She had to be in L.A., and I had fall classes starting.” She shrugged. “Your father and I came home.”
Dad snored softly in their bedroom.
“What’s wrong?” she said.
“Nothing.” I sifted through the blankets in the linen closet until I found my old ratty Wonder Woman blanket, wrapped it around myself, and lurched into my dark room, where I flung myself on my mattress.
She sat down beside me. “If you’ve brought out the big guns, things are really bad.”
I stuffed my head onto her lap and told her everything that had happened up to my fight with Rohan. Mom didn’t know Leo was a half-demon, so I couldn’t tell her that part.
That’s what I told myself, anyway.
“I like my power and I want to make an indelible mark on the world,” I said. “No one ever questions a man’s right to be the most he can be, so why am I being punished for the same thing?”
Mom stroked my hair. “Can we get back to this insane power for a minute? You’re sure it’s genuine and not a way for Lilith to control you?”
“Stop being such a mom. I’m sure.”
“Do you think I have it?”
I sat up, taken aback by her words. “I dunno. Do you want magic? Aren’t you happy?”
“I have a fulfilling career and a wonderful family. What does magic have to do with being happy?”
I opened my mouth and shut it again.
“Were you happy when you were dancing?” she said.
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in my answer.
“Do you look back on those days and think you were some lesser version of yourself?”
“No, but I didn’t know what I was capable of.”
Mom’s eyebrows creased in confusion. “What are you capable of now that you weren’t last month?”
“I killed Satan.”
She propped a pillow behind her back and settled herself against my headboard. “Yes, dear, and that’s disturbing. But you killed Satan with the ring and a team of people to help. Say you kill Gog and Magog and you become the top demon assassin, will you be happier than when you were dancing?”
“That’s not fair. I couldn’t save Esther, but this magic is a game-changer. I have an obligation to use it.”
“You were using it.”
“Not to the same degree.”
She shrugged. “Semantics. What about your obligations to yourself? What you’re proposing sounds like a very lonely life. Do you remember when April Addison came to your studio to work with the elite dancers, when you were about fourteen? You were so excited because here was this tap legend that you got to study with?”
“Ugh. She was a slave driver. We weren’t allowed to talk or goof off, and she droned on about all the sacrifices it took to get to the top. All the fun was sucked out and… Very clever, Mom.”
She nudged my leg. “You came into your own the day you put on your first set of tap shoes, my girl. You had some setbacks, but you’ve found yourself again and it’s had nothing to do with magic. You found purpose, friends, and a rich, full life.”
“Shana,” Dad called out sleepily. “Come back to bed.”
“I may not be the foremost authority on King David, but I’m still in the top five percent and I still have time for the peop
le I love. That was my choice and I never felt like I sacrificed anything. If being our greatest warrior is going to make you truly happy, keep the magic. Just be certain.” Mom kissed me, leaving me alone.
I was no longer certain of anything. That was the problem. If I got the blood for the purification ritual, where would that leave me? This gold magic was a curveball, because it seemed to be the sum total of my magic. It wasn’t enhancing or blending with my regular electric magic. If I did the ritual, would I be reduced to my previous levels of power? Lose my magic altogether? I fumbled for the lamp switch, the reassuring glow calming my racing heart.
I toyed with the lighter, remembering first dating Rohan, the early days of my magic, and fighting alongside my friends. Before I’d ever met Lilith. That was the happiest I’d been in a long time. Recently, my happiness had come from training the witches. I’d had such joy being connected to all of them.
I’d lied to my mom, but in the face of all this lighter symbolized, I couldn’t lie to myself.
When I’d frozen Rohan, before the revulsion had kicked in, I’d reveled in my power. That moment was my confirmation that I was untouchable, physically, and emotionally. This wasn’t about legacy or altruism. It was about being the safest I’d felt since Mandelbaum had spirited me away in the Tomb of Endless Night, because I was now the most powerful witch in the world.
Purpose, belonging, love, those were everything to me, but they were meaningless if I didn’t stay alive long enough to enjoy them.
Trouble was, I was scared I lacked the courage to seize what I really wanted.
The only conclusion I’d come to the next morning was that I had to make things right with Rohan and Leo. Mom and Dad were still asleep. I took a hot shower, grabbed a pair of cut-offs and my old “In my defense, I was left unsupervised” T-shirt and wrote my mother a note thanking her for being a great mom.
Mrs. Jepson was putting fertilizer on her still-mangled rhodos next door, when I silently closed my parents’ front door.
“Mom told me someone vandalized your plants,” I said. “I’m really sorry.”
She stood up, running a hand over the fluffy petals. “Who would do such a thing?” Her eyes narrowed on me.
The Unlikeable Demon Hunter Collection: Books 1-6: A Complete Paranormal Romantic Comedy Series Page 171